To deal with MIL's lateness like this (sorry bit long)

[breezeharbour]

MIL is always, always late. I love her but it's getting to the point where I'm finding it really inconsiderate. It's already spoiled things I've done with her in the past- things we used to do regularly which I ended up backing out of because it took up so much of my spare time just waiting for her. She's very big on guilt trips too, so if she'd ask if I was waiting and I'd say yes, I'd get a very long spiel of how busy she's been, how much she's had to do to rush round. Usually found out afterwards it's not been true and she's just farted around basically not holding our arrangements in any kind of priority.
She does do this with everyone in the family and seems to find it as some kind of funny quirk, so it's not just me.
However DC is our only child and to me, as they're under 1, I don't feel like I can just spend hours hanging around for her as it's not fair on me or DC.

So today, DH is out and we asked MIL if she'd like DC so I can have a day off. We arrange for her to come round at 9:30. This is pretty much at DC's nap time so I figured it would be good as DC can sleep in the car. I knew she'd be late so I gave it 15 minutes or so, keeping DC busy.
She was fucking 45 minutes late with no apology, just swanned in. I'm so sick of it! It's my day off, she chose the bloody time to collect DC. I know to some, it's not a lot of time to wait, but it's every single time we do something. I didn't want to put DC down to sleep as they have an hour and I didn't really want to then have to wake them mid-nap (always has a bad ending).

So as soon as she got in, I just turned on the fake smiles and merriment and said "you might have a grumpy DGC today, it's nap time but we've been waiting up for you!" Of course the reply is "No, you won't be grumpy with me will you!" Cue DC whining.
The other thing she will do is hang around and talk for as long as possible, just about absolutely nothing and usually things she's already said to DH on the phone the day before she comes round. I got DC's bag, picked up the car seat, went to the door and was just like, right there's everything you'll need, and started to say goodbye to DC. So kind of herded them both out the door. IMO 45 minutes late means you've lost your time to chat.

Was this the right thing to do? I have said thank you, several times before they left, for having DC. I am very aware as well that every time this happens, she is doing me a favour, which makes it worse because I think she sees that as "well I'm doing this for you so how can you complain?" But to me, it's my time sat waiting as is DC's. And is having her DGC for the day doing me a favour when she'd get so much out of it too?

In future I am going to specify a time at least an hour earlier than I mean. But she probably would still be late. It's like she has to make sure she's never waiting for anyone, that whatever she's doing it has to be her time that comes first.

[SoupDragon]

Herding her out when she is doing you a favour is incredibly rude. Did you have something important you needed to be doing?

[breezeharbour]

Thank you for your responses, it is interesting to see how people read and interpret things. :) Thank you for the constructive advice, I will start to re-plan times to do things with her.

Thank you to the people who have noticed that she is late all the time. Today was the last straw, but as Pico has said I've been silly enough to write about today and not another time that wasn't about her spending time with her DGC.

suzanne you have hit the nail on the head, she is incredibly controlling, which is why I tried to point out the guilt trip thing. If anyone keeps her waiting, even 10 minutes, she is visibly annoyed. I think she enjoys having people wait because it shows that she is needed. And that she is at the centre of everything, which she is obsessed with in one way or another.

[myusernamewastaken]

I think its rude too....my ex husbands family were like this and it used to really piss me off....especially when you are cooking for them and food is in danger of being ruined because they are so late x

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

that she is also late bringing DC home, sometimes up to two hours past their bedtime

This is not on. Especially on school days.

It is important that grandparents and grandchildren have a relationship but I think you're going to have to do that at weekends and not rely on her.

It is rude to turn up significantly late repeatedly. It also makes things damn difficult if you have an appointment. It's not a charming idiosyncracy - or if it is, it's one that you have to work around by not relying on her. Specially if it's causing trouble between you, and it is. Your frustration is clear.

So I think the best thing is to arrange to see her or for her to see you when it's pleasure and not a matter of relying on her.

[OttiliaVonBCup]

YANBU.

Being late is rude, favour or not favour.

[CheesyWeez]

I think GPs forget how busy we are with children and don't realize how we are REALLY counting on them once they've offered. We've had this when GM offered to have DS (9) overnight and then brought him back saying she had some things to do. It is hard to say something as they are being good to take him at all, but it is frustrating to not stick to the arrangement.

YANBU, a morning/day/afternoon off can make the difference between keeping it together and going crazy.

[Pseudonym99]

People who are like this I tell them an hour earlier than I need to. Some people just faff / are disorganised / cannot manage their time / cannot tell the time / have no concept of time, or the disruption to others it causes.

[SoupDragon]

And is having her DGC for the day doing me a favour when she'd get so much out of it too?

Of course if is doing you a bloody favour!

[breezeharbour]

SoleBizz that is a big assumption to make from one post.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

According to MN, you must be eternally grateful for ANY family help - the person helping you can be five hours late and feed your DC nothing but ice-cream, but because they're helping you for free, heaven forbid you complain about it

She agreed to be there at a certain time. Why is it okay for her to swan in nearly an hour later? What if OP had an appointment to get to? Or would she just have to miss that to appease MIL?

IMO, if you agree to do something, you do it properly and punctually, whether you're getting paid or not. If you don't want to turn up on time and return the DGC on time, don't agree to do so!

[SuperCee7]

It's rude to be late but in this instance you were ruder and come across as very ungrateful.

My mum is like this, she's very breezy and doesn't see it as "late", but if I have somewhere to be she will always be on time. If it was for a day off with no plans then she can be very like your MIL and I am just very grateful to have a mother who will happily take my LO off for the day and have some one on one time.

[MrsH1989]

I wonder if people saying yabu have had to deal with lateness on a regular occasion? My parents are late ALWAYS it is very frustrating. DH is also late for everything and has considered me ungrateful for things like him "offering me a lift to work" but then not getting dressed and making me late. That is not helping, it causes unnecessary stress. For people I know are always late I make exceptions such as assuming they will be late for things. If we make an arrangement to meet at 2, I aim to be there for 2.15. That way if by some miracle they are on time, they haven't waited too long and if they are true to form you don't wait too long. If you told MIL that the 9.30 pick up was to coincide with nap time then I really would be pissed, that is inconsiderate and undermines the fact that she is "doing you a favour". Unfortunately when someone is constantly late you lose the ability to be entirely grateful for their help. It is always tinged with a little frustration. I totally understand why you would be annoyed but as she is doing you a favour I wouldnt say anything.

[Pickitup]

If it was me, I would be dropping dgc with her & picking up at the times you have said.
She needs managing by the sounds of it.

[Cleensheetsandbedding]

I think looking at the bigger picture i wouldn't invite her to anything anymore. It would annoy me too as I manage to be on time. I would also drive off if she wasn't were she should be - so stop doing it. If she is two hours late dropping your kids off did you ring her? Was it past bed time ? I sound have been annoyed at that.

Today though I would have said 'thanks' through gritted teeth and took it on the chin as you already know she was doing you a favour.

It's shite when your the one stuck holding the baby with no break for weeks on end especially when their other parent is around having 'breaks' . I was the same untill I put my foot down.

[wotoodoo]

She is always late so then why not ask her one hour earlier each time so that she won't be?

[SaucyJack]

I think you should've picked a different example of your MILs lateness with which to start this thread (!)

[suzannecaravaggio]

she enjoys having people wait because it shows that she is needed. And that she is at the centre of everything, which she is obsessed with in one way or another
In that case Breeze you've got her number haven't you and it should be easy to deal with her
Don't say anything but stop needing her, if she doesn't fit in with you then just leave her out of your plans, make sure you call the tune

[AnotherCider]

Enough with the 'I never had any time off' one upmanship!!

The op has CLEARLY stated it would be a damn sight easier for her to pay for babysitting, but she wants her MIL to have quality time with her child which nakes her a bloody awesome DIL quite frankly!!

Op, i think you're going to have to get tough. If she's late for something, start without her. If she's late for babysittng, make a point of hiring a babysitter next time you are doing something that is time sensitive and say why. Its not until SHE is impacted by the results of her lateness that you will ever have a hope of getting her to change i'm afraid. But be prepared for the guilt trips, and be prepared to turn them back on her. Nothing wrong with turning on the tears if you miss something important etc if thats what she does to you. Fight fire with fire....

[BackInTheRealWorld]

My aunt is late to everything. Incredibly late. To everything.
We usually tell her events are an hour earlier to try and balance it out. It doesn't always work. She missed one of her grandchildren christening because she didn't get there til it was all over. Which is her loss. However on that occasion she was also giving her mother a lift to the event which was heartbreaking because great grandmother kept bursting into tears as she had missed seeing her probably last great grandchilds christening.
I have no idea why it was arranged for my aunt to give her the lift. It was bound to mess up like this.
I feel sad for her, she adores the whole family and wants to help everyone and ends up annoying them instead. I don't see why people can't just accept that's what she is like and work round it. I love my aunty.

[DoreenLethal]

All you lot saying you never got a day off seem to be missing the point of the fucking thread. Which is that she is ALWAYS late. And it's not the OP's fault that you never got a day off. Competitive angst or what.

OP - you need some strategies.

When she is 15 mins late, go out or do something else and when she texts you 'where are you' respond 'Oh dear, we thought you weren't coming so went out. Will be back in 10 mins. Then be back in 30. Until she starts to see that wasted time is actually fucking annoying, she will never change. So waste some of her back.

[suzannecaravaggio]

DH is also late for everything and has considered me ungrateful for things like him "offering me a lift to work" but then not getting dressed and making me late. That is not helping, it causes unnecessary stress

Classic passive aggressive behaviour
Offer a favour but spin it/ twist it into something which hinders far more than it helps
Then you're in a bind because complaining about a favour makes you local bad and they won't actually acknowledge that they did anything wrong by being late
It's a real headfuck for the victim

[suzannecaravaggio]

Look bad
Not local!

[zaraduckface]

God some martyrish responses on here, lateness is lateness no matter what it's for. Just cos you're doing someone a favour it doesn't mean you can swan in whenever you like, is that really what people think? Do those people do that themselves?!