To deal with MIL's lateness like this (sorry bit long)

[breezeharbour]

MIL is always, always late. I love her but it's getting to the point where I'm finding it really inconsiderate. It's already spoiled things I've done with her in the past- things we used to do regularly which I ended up backing out of because it took up so much of my spare time just waiting for her. She's very big on guilt trips too, so if she'd ask if I was waiting and I'd say yes, I'd get a very long spiel of how busy she's been, how much she's had to do to rush round. Usually found out afterwards it's not been true and she's just farted around basically not holding our arrangements in any kind of priority.
She does do this with everyone in the family and seems to find it as some kind of funny quirk, so it's not just me.
However DC is our only child and to me, as they're under 1, I don't feel like I can just spend hours hanging around for her as it's not fair on me or DC.

So today, DH is out and we asked MIL if she'd like DC so I can have a day off. We arrange for her to come round at 9:30. This is pretty much at DC's nap time so I figured it would be good as DC can sleep in the car. I knew she'd be late so I gave it 15 minutes or so, keeping DC busy.
She was fucking 45 minutes late with no apology, just swanned in. I'm so sick of it! It's my day off, she chose the bloody time to collect DC. I know to some, it's not a lot of time to wait, but it's every single time we do something. I didn't want to put DC down to sleep as they have an hour and I didn't really want to then have to wake them mid-nap (always has a bad ending).

So as soon as she got in, I just turned on the fake smiles and merriment and said "you might have a grumpy DGC today, it's nap time but we've been waiting up for you!" Of course the reply is "No, you won't be grumpy with me will you!" Cue DC whining.
The other thing she will do is hang around and talk for as long as possible, just about absolutely nothing and usually things she's already said to DH on the phone the day before she comes round. I got DC's bag, picked up the car seat, went to the door and was just like, right there's everything you'll need, and started to say goodbye to DC. So kind of herded them both out the door. IMO 45 minutes late means you've lost your time to chat.

Was this the right thing to do? I have said thank you, several times before they left, for having DC. I am very aware as well that every time this happens, she is doing me a favour, which makes it worse because I think she sees that as "well I'm doing this for you so how can you complain?" But to me, it's my time sat waiting as is DC's. And is having her DGC for the day doing me a favour when she'd get so much out of it too?

In future I am going to specify a time at least an hour earlier than I mean. But she probably would still be late. It's like she has to make sure she's never waiting for anyone, that whatever she's doing it has to be her time that comes first.

[user7755]

Presumably you have a good relationship with her. Why don't you just talk to her about it? Just don't do it when she is doing you a favour spoken as someone who is perpetually late because it might not be well received.

Have to say if you were snidey like that with me when I was doing you a favour, you wouldn't need to worry about it any more.

[SanityClause]

I agree that lateness is rude and a PITA.

But you know what she is like, so why would you rely on her? Why are you expecting a different outcome from the same set of variables?

Rant away, if it makes you feel better. (In fact, sometimes I think there should be a "ranters corner" on MN, where posters can safely have a rant, without solutions being suggested, or opinions given.)

But perhaps you need to change your behaviour, because you're not going to be able to change hers - only she can do that.

[breezeharbour]

I have tried contacting her before to ask where she is and I got snapped at, going back to what I said about her rushing round doing other things. at the time she will make it sound like she's doing her upmost best to get to us and we're being unreasonable wondering where she is. Then when she gets to us it'll be "I went to the shops because I wanted to buy a jumper" or something of equal importance.

I've also spoken to her about it, when it began to affect something we used to regularly together (which I now do on my own because she kept me waiting all the time). It just turned into a competition where if I said I couldn't really be waiting because I had to do x, she'd be 10x busier with xyz. Plus a lot of self pity and guilt trippiness thrown in.

DH is resigned to it, like I said she's very controlling and if any of the family get annoyed she turns on the guilt so they just accept it now. He has spoken up about other issues so he's not hiding behind me. I think she's just used to getting her own way with everything and having everything on her own terms, which I find difficult because I'm used to everyone making effort and not just doing things as you like.

[Anotherusername1]

Just start telling her a time half an hour before you actually want to meet her and turn up 15 minutes in or something. Then if she is actually on time, she won't have to wait so long, and equally if she's late you won't.

I don't think YABU at all. Lateness is rude and usually unnecessary. If I were doing someone a favour and they asked me to come at a certain time I'd be there at that time. I wouldn't think I could be 45 minutes late because it was a favour.

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

IAm, agree. From the opening post it sounds like MIL is expected to step up every time the OP or he DH want to do something.

The DH needs to step up if it's that bad his wife needs frequent days off and if they want to go together then they can book a sitter who's arrival time and schedule they can control.

Maybe she's late on purpose as is sick of being put upon and being used. I mean, God forbid she use her own time as she pleases rather than jumping to the demands of her son and DIL as clearly her own time is worth less than theirs.

[TheDayIBroke]

If she continues to guilt trip you, then detach, step back a bit. You would not put up with this kind of behaviour from a friend, so why tolerate it from MIL? I certainly would be ringing her if she was late bringing my DC back home! She can't be that busy, she is not running the country, is she?

I would be very fed up of this, too.

[happygoluckylady]

Only in MN world is it acceptable and perhaps even admirable to never have a day off from children or some time to yourself.

Your MIL sounds difficult. I would suggest telling her a time an hour before you plan to meet. It's the only way.

[breezeharbour]

because ipissedoff I find that when DH is at home it's easier to get things done I need to do. DH is away and there are things I needed to do today which I would have struggled to do if DC was home (high maintenance baby). So he suggested MIL might like to have them as she hasn't seen them in a while. Which she did, she jumped to do it. We asked first what she was doing that day before we asked about having DC. Also, DH doesn't have a lot of time at home so when he is home it's nice to have time together.
Why should DH "deal with it"? He doesn't hide behind me same as I don't him. It's going to crop up at some point with me involved anyway, as DH doesn't do anything individually with her and I do/did.

autumnleaves you are making huge assumptions and I don't know how you've got to that conclusion. Frequent? Have you read my posts? And my MIL wants to see DC. She said before they were born she wanted to have time with them. In her opinion it's not enough because I try to do as much as possible myself. She's not put upon, we don't use her. We put a hell of a lot of time going round to their house on the few days we do all get together as a family, we make a lot more effort than they do. She's had DC without us maybe four times since DC was born.
I get you feel strongly about this but you're making things up! At least read my posts.

[breezeharbour]

Anyway I'm going to stop checking this for a while because I need to spend my day sitting in my hot tub drinking champagne while having my legs waxed, as I do every month when I drag my sobbing MIL round to care for my DC for 12 hours straight

[coffeetasteslikeshit]

This thread is making me want to scream arghhhhhhhhhhhh! I've never seen so many posters miss the point so often.

YANBU.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Op, you have explained things much better in your last few posts. She sounds as if she wants to have your DC and make these other arrangements to do things but for it to fit in around HER plans, even if her "plans" are "the ability to go and buy a jumper on a whim if I want, even if it makes me late for X, Y, Z".

It may not be a control thing, it may just be a selfish thing. It may even be as simple as her feeling like she has spent her life fitting in with other people's plans or her obligations to others and now sees all her time as her own, to spend it how she sees fit.

Which I'm sure most people could understand, but it does make things difficult for others. She has proved she is unreliable, so surely the only answer is not to rely on her. Factor in a period of lateness when you are arranging activities your end. That's your only option. Other than to fall out with her. But it doesn't seem a good enough reason to fall out with someone if she is otherwise a nice person.

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

enjoy the hot tub & champagne breeze ;)

You can leave a hair shirt for your MIL as a thank you?

[chanie44]

Op, I would be annoyed too!!!

My MIL runs on a different internal clock to me. I like to know roughly what I'm doing and when but her approach is more laid back.

It does drive me mad, but I've accepted we are the way we are and plan around it. For example, if we are going anywhere, I get her to come here and phone before she is leaving. I won't start to get ready until I know she is on her way.

I guess from MILs point of view, if you didn't have any planned appointments then it probably didn't matter what time she arrived, so she probably doesn't see herself as being late.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Coffee, of course they're not missing the point. The lateness impacts on this particular part of childcare and some posters are specifically addressing that complaint only.

[TheDayIBroke]

breezeharbour don't forget to get a facial and massage whilst you're about it!

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Some are even stating that lateness is rude BUT IN THIS pARTICULAR instance, re nap time, it wouldn't bother them.

I do wish people would stop saying "I wish people would stop missing the point!"

[mrsb26]

I'm so sick of it! It's my day off,

I was to sympathise with you, I really do, as I hate it when people are late. However, I had to actually re-read what you'd written above as I couldn't actually believe you'd written it. Like it's your entitlement or something!! Welcome to parenthood, op, where 99% of the population are lucky if they get an hour off! Wow.

[tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit]

"she's very controlling and if any of the family get annoyed she turns on the guilt"

OK, that's a different kettle of fish entirely.

Lateness can be for a variety of reasons. Many of my friends are constantly late and it's no big deal to me. I wouldn't arrange to meet at 9 and then be angry when they turn up at 9:45 - I know what they're like and make allowances. Probably why we're still friends.

But controlling and using guilt to manipulate are a different thing entirely and no they're not on, or course not.

But even so, what can you do other than be one step ahead? When you say 9, expect her at 10 (or however late she usually is).

[coffeetasteslikeshit]

Curly, I was referring to the people who's only comment was that they've never had a day off. Not. The. Point.

[shazzarooney99]

My word! shes doing you a huge favour by babysitting when you have your day off! if it werent for her you would have to pay a childminder, im sorry but your attitude is disgusting.

[gruffaloshmuffalo]

My Mil does the same.

One day she asked for ds1, so I made plans with friends. She called 5 mins after she was supposed to be at mine and said she'd just woken up and she'd be there within the hour. I had had enough at that point so I said no. I'd take ds1 with me and she could see him another time. She wasn't that late again for a long time.

It's starting to creep up now, the lateness. She'll be late then want to chat, then will bring the boys back after 2 hours meaning I have no time to do anything. Then she'll want to chat again. Why offer?!

So no. I don't buy into the "she's babysitting so doing you a favour. Don't conplain" route. It's rude to be late, no matter what the plans

[Iwonderif]

Constant lateness is rude. A one off is fine, we've all done it due to one thing or another.

Constant lateness with no apologies is simply bad manners. She'll never change OP. Accept she's rubbish at time keeping always will be and allow extra time for all occasions thus hopefully halting your BP from rising.

Hope you enjoyed your day (in the end)

[buildingafootieteam]

YANBU, in all honesty I think you're married to me! That's exactly what my DM is like. I now always tell her 30-45 mins earlier to be there than I need her. She asks me if she can take DC and then still cannot be on time. It's very frustrating