To deal with MIL's lateness like this (sorry bit long)

[breezeharbour]

MIL is always, always late. I love her but it's getting to the point where I'm finding it really inconsiderate. It's already spoiled things I've done with her in the past- things we used to do regularly which I ended up backing out of because it took up so much of my spare time just waiting for her. She's very big on guilt trips too, so if she'd ask if I was waiting and I'd say yes, I'd get a very long spiel of how busy she's been, how much she's had to do to rush round. Usually found out afterwards it's not been true and she's just farted around basically not holding our arrangements in any kind of priority.
She does do this with everyone in the family and seems to find it as some kind of funny quirk, so it's not just me.
However DC is our only child and to me, as they're under 1, I don't feel like I can just spend hours hanging around for her as it's not fair on me or DC.

So today, DH is out and we asked MIL if she'd like DC so I can have a day off. We arrange for her to come round at 9:30. This is pretty much at DC's nap time so I figured it would be good as DC can sleep in the car. I knew she'd be late so I gave it 15 minutes or so, keeping DC busy.
She was fucking 45 minutes late with no apology, just swanned in. I'm so sick of it! It's my day off, she chose the bloody time to collect DC. I know to some, it's not a lot of time to wait, but it's every single time we do something. I didn't want to put DC down to sleep as they have an hour and I didn't really want to then have to wake them mid-nap (always has a bad ending).

So as soon as she got in, I just turned on the fake smiles and merriment and said "you might have a grumpy DGC today, it's nap time but we've been waiting up for you!" Of course the reply is "No, you won't be grumpy with me will you!" Cue DC whining.
The other thing she will do is hang around and talk for as long as possible, just about absolutely nothing and usually things she's already said to DH on the phone the day before she comes round. I got DC's bag, picked up the car seat, went to the door and was just like, right there's everything you'll need, and started to say goodbye to DC. So kind of herded them both out the door. IMO 45 minutes late means you've lost your time to chat.

Was this the right thing to do? I have said thank you, several times before they left, for having DC. I am very aware as well that every time this happens, she is doing me a favour, which makes it worse because I think she sees that as "well I'm doing this for you so how can you complain?" But to me, it's my time sat waiting as is DC's. And is having her DGC for the day doing me a favour when she'd get so much out of it too?

In future I am going to specify a time at least an hour earlier than I mean. But she probably would still be late. It's like she has to make sure she's never waiting for anyone, that whatever she's doing it has to be her time that comes first.

[breezeharbour]

Rogan That probably doesn't make much sense, I wrote a different sentence out and changed it because I wanted to try and keep details a bit less identifying. Just ignore the bit about DC as first child!

Thank you everyone for the opinions. I do agree that I do look ungrateful as she is doing me a favour. Which makes it worse as I still find her inconsiderate but on top of that guilt that she's babysitting for me. Which makes it even more frustrating.

I would also point out which I didn't mention in OP, that she is also late bringing DC home, sometimes up to two hours past their bedtime. Never been a good reason for it, she'll just decide to go shopping at 6pm or call round someone's house for nothing specific. So that adds to it as well.

I am aware that I could hire a babysitter but I'm trying to do it for DC's sake as their other DGP's live far away enough they can't see DC regularly, I want there to be a positive relationship between them and let them spend time together without me there. If MIL doesn't see DC she complains. So it feels like I'm between a rock and a hard place.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

Your mother-in law is babysitting your child for the whole day so you can have a day off, and you speak of her with utter contempt, because she is 45 minutes late!!!
Not making you late for work or an appointment, but because your child might be grumpy, when you won't even be there to deal with it.

Just read And is having her DGC for the day doing me a favour when she'd get so much out of it too?

You really are an ungrateful article. Are you for real?

[wannabestressfree]

Trips I get...
'Your day off' you sound completely unreasonable sorry. She is doing something nice for you.

[TendonQueen]

Do people have to be so Four Yorkshiremen in their replies? If it was someone posting about waiting for a friend who had arranged to come round, the replies would be all zero tolerance, 'give her 15 minutes then leave' and so on.

I think always telling her an hour earlier than you want her, or dropping your child off at hers, are your best practical solutions when you're getting her to babysit. If it's meeting for shopping,meals etc I would just go ahead, eat or shop or whatever and not wait around.

[knobblyknee]

YANBU, this is self centered behaviour. And you werent rude, you were brusque.

[manamanah]

I don't think yabu, but I think you chose the wrong occasion to make a stand. Perpetually being late because someone is unable to prioritise is incredibly frustrating, and imo, rude. My mum is the same (doesn't babysit so we're talking visits/meals/outings). I tend to go for 2 strategies-if start time doesn't matter then it's adjusting my expectation of her behaviour, if it does matter then I lie about times. Oh and ignore the 'I never had a day off' brigade they seem pretty happy in their martyrdom.

[whatdoIget]

She sounds like a pain in the arse.
Whatever anyone on mn may say, babysitting for her own grandchild doesn't mean she owns you.
It's still bad manners and annoying if she's constantly late for everything

[TendonQueen]

It's also rude and self centred to arrive late for every arrangement you ever make. It's a red herring that one of these events is looking after a child. Doesn't mean the late person isn't being generally thoughtless. They are.

[19lottie82]

Why not just tell her to be there 30/45 minutes before you actually want her there?

[Tanith]

I have a MIL who does this.

It doesn't bother me, but DH gets very annoyed when she turns up a good hour late for meals - and she always asks what time it will be ready.
She also turns up (on time!) at times we've told her NOT to come, so I think she does it deliberately rather than because she's disorganised.

My way of dealing with it is to do what you propose: tell her an earlier time. We told her Christmas dinner would be 2 hours earlier than it was. She was bang on time. Had we told her the real time, she'd have ruined the meal.

We have also tried being late for her. She doesn't like that, though - thinks it's so rude

[suzannecaravaggio]

I think the Mil's lateness is a bit passive aggressive, and a control thing
Yes she's doing you a favor but its still rude to agree to an arrangement and then blithely not keep to it

She is saying that her time is more important than yours
I would stop asking her to babysit and make other arrangement
Then you'll see whether she needs to be needed more than you need her as a baby sitter

[Pico2]

You've made a MN mistake. She is habitually late, but the time that you have chosen to post about is when she is babysitting for you. On MN anyone looking after your child without pay can do no wrong as long as the child is returned with all its limbs. Apparently you should never be able to rely on a GP to do what they have offered to do and should always have a paid alternative available as back up.

If you had posted about her habitual lateness with another recent example as the main story you'd have had a different response.

[BoGrainger]

Here's a thought. You or dh take dc to mil's and you or dh collect dc from mil's. Then there's no need to waste your precious time drumming your fingers waiting for this inconsiderate person. And in the 4 Yorkshireman vein, I never had or felt I needed a 'day off' from my dcs for about 17 years

[LadyLuck81]

YANBU to be annoyed. Whether other people have if hardener easier is irrelevant. Whether she is helping out or wanted to have the kids is irrelevant. Clearly the examples you used have pissed people off because not everyone has support on the doorstep. However, repeated lateness to all and any plans, is rude and inconsiderate. I would t have hunga round either.

But equally you sound like you get on with your MIL otherwise so can you not just say that her being late is a pain and makes your life tough and ask her to be more aware of others (you!).

[Dollymixtureyumyum]

The op has said it is constant lateness and not just this occasion, give her a break have you never heard the term "the straw that broke the camels back"
She had said if it was just this time she would not have bothered at all but to have it constantly done to you is bound to grate

[Youarentkiddingme]

As others have mentioned you won't get a fair trial here because you've mentioned 'MIl, babysitting, time to yourself' and so you'll get the 'yiu are lucky to have time to yourself - be great ful' replies and the 'it was a favour so don't complain replies'.

But... Meanwhile back in the real world....! Of course Yanbu. Whatever the reason you make plans and arrangements with someone it's rude to just continually turn up late with no reason.

[bakingaddict]

I love all these bleeding hearts saying I never got a day to myself blah blah blah till my kids went to university so you're BU. If she is constantly late then it's rude. It's effectively saying that your time is less important than what she is doing to arrive late.

If you've got a day-out planned or a lunch and she hasn't arrived within 30 minutes of the agreed time go without her. It will make her realise that you're not to be messed around. People like your MIL do this because they know the recipient puts up with it

[SoleBizzz]

Your life is so easy. You have no idea. A day off? Pmsl

[JenEric]

My step dad is like this. My mum just used to lie about the times of things by an hour. After years of him being oblivious to consequences we just lied. He won't ever change and by giving him a time an hour before you want him there or expecting him an hour after he says you learn to cope. It still winds me up but I can't change it.

[G1veMeStrength]

YANBU

Mil wants to spend time with DC as much as you want the day off, you're doing each other a favour in my eyes. Being late when small children and naps are involved is just being an utter PITA.

In future can you agree a time 'slot' rather than precise time, eg 'between 9 and 10' and ask her to call you when she is setting off.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

She does sound intensely irritating, yes, but then so do you. Why could you not take your child round to her house?

In general, just tell her a meetup time half an hour or so earlier than you actually want to meet. She is always late, it is annoying, but she's not going to change just for you no matter how you "handle" her. I absolutely cringed to read about you hurrying her out of the door because she dared to want a chat.

[tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit]

YABU to be annoyed with your MIL when she's doing you a favour.

It's been a month since you had whole day to yourself? You don't know how lucky you are, we don't have family nearby and I haven't had one of those for I can't remember how long. Certainly not since DD was born and she's nearly 3.

[Thumbcat]

OP my MIL is exactly like this so I do understand, but you won't change her so you need to find a way to work around her terrible time keeping without getting so stressed.

Definitely give her a time at least half an hour before you want her and if she's taking DC back to her house just drop them off yourself so that you're in control of the time. Don't hold off naps/meals while waiting. Just carry on with your normal routine until she arrives and then take it from there. The bringing them back late is very annoying but all I can say is it matters less as the child gets older (if you make sure she doesn't have them on a school night). Most importantly, if something is absolutely time critical then ask someone else to babysit!