To deal with MIL's lateness like this (sorry bit long)

[breezeharbour]

MIL is always, always late. I love her but it's getting to the point where I'm finding it really inconsiderate. It's already spoiled things I've done with her in the past- things we used to do regularly which I ended up backing out of because it took up so much of my spare time just waiting for her. She's very big on guilt trips too, so if she'd ask if I was waiting and I'd say yes, I'd get a very long spiel of how busy she's been, how much she's had to do to rush round. Usually found out afterwards it's not been true and she's just farted around basically not holding our arrangements in any kind of priority.
She does do this with everyone in the family and seems to find it as some kind of funny quirk, so it's not just me.
However DC is our only child and to me, as they're under 1, I don't feel like I can just spend hours hanging around for her as it's not fair on me or DC.

So today, DH is out and we asked MIL if she'd like DC so I can have a day off. We arrange for her to come round at 9:30. This is pretty much at DC's nap time so I figured it would be good as DC can sleep in the car. I knew she'd be late so I gave it 15 minutes or so, keeping DC busy.
She was fucking 45 minutes late with no apology, just swanned in. I'm so sick of it! It's my day off, she chose the bloody time to collect DC. I know to some, it's not a lot of time to wait, but it's every single time we do something. I didn't want to put DC down to sleep as they have an hour and I didn't really want to then have to wake them mid-nap (always has a bad ending).

So as soon as she got in, I just turned on the fake smiles and merriment and said "you might have a grumpy DGC today, it's nap time but we've been waiting up for you!" Of course the reply is "No, you won't be grumpy with me will you!" Cue DC whining.
The other thing she will do is hang around and talk for as long as possible, just about absolutely nothing and usually things she's already said to DH on the phone the day before she comes round. I got DC's bag, picked up the car seat, went to the door and was just like, right there's everything you'll need, and started to say goodbye to DC. So kind of herded them both out the door. IMO 45 minutes late means you've lost your time to chat.

Was this the right thing to do? I have said thank you, several times before they left, for having DC. I am very aware as well that every time this happens, she is doing me a favour, which makes it worse because I think she sees that as "well I'm doing this for you so how can you complain?" But to me, it's my time sat waiting as is DC's. And is having her DGC for the day doing me a favour when she'd get so much out of it too?

In future I am going to specify a time at least an hour earlier than I mean. But she probably would still be late. It's like she has to make sure she's never waiting for anyone, that whatever she's doing it has to be her time that comes first.

[LordBrightside]

If someone is continually late, they are continually letting you down. Doing that continually to a tired mum with a young baby is beyond inconsiderate and sends a message that the person being late doesn't care.

OP is NBU at all.

[breezydoesit]

I get she was doing you a favour as other PPs have said but continual lateness is intensely annoying and incredibly rude

[LalaLyra]

Be warned OP -if you do look for a local babysitter and "deprive" your MIL of the chance to look after your DC then you'll probably be the bad guy too.

When it comes to babysitting they can do no wrong because they are doing you a favour. Even when they've gone on and on and on and on about wanting more time with the DC and would be mortally offended if you ask anyone else.

It's a weird quirk. Any "free babysitting" has to be accepted with huge gratitude even if they are late, feed your child junk food, don't let them sleep (or in my SIL's case let them sleep for 3 hours until an hour before bedtime) or anything like that. You should be grateful because it's free and other people would love free babysitting.

I think my SIL and your MIL are related. Every sodding time. Under no other circumstances is acceptable to be late every time.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

"Curly, I was referring to the people who's only comment was that they've never had a day off. Not. The. Point." Coffee, I know you were. The point I was making was that the OP made a big deal of this in the first post as if the main problem was that the bad time-keeping had affected her "day off". Which quite rightly sounded a bit entitled, which was what prompted people to say that she should be grateful for any (free) time off as it's worse not to get any at alI. Which it is. I don't think it misses the point. It was still part of the issue, whether someone is right to complain about lateness when they are not paying for the childcare, or whether a relatively minor "misdemeanour" in this instance is forgive able.

Put it with all the other stuff, and OP has a point about the timekeeping being a problem to others overall.

OP, I'm glad you have a plan re future arrangements. Sounds like your DC had a nice day and hopefully you got your decorating done (but fitted in some "me time" as well - we all need that, whether we get it or not!)

[breezeharbour]

Hi everyone, thought I'd come back to update.
DC home an hour late, I didn't get cross but made a casual comment about time only because MIL had said she had an engagement immediately after the time she said she was bringing DC back, so I asked if she was still going. She didn't appear to remember saying she was bringing DC back at that time, but I don't know if that's genuine or that she was surprised that I remembered. Apparently all DCs feeds were late and they didn't sleep either. So there you go. But I'm glad they're home and they did have a nice day which I am happy about.
We had a lovely chat and a hug when she left. I'm not horrible to her! However I am going to be speaking to DH to arrange that we alter times with her (for things beyond having DC as well). Considering looking at a local babysitter too, but I'm not sure.

Thank you for all your advice! It's been really helpful and next time I post I will definitely give myself time to let go of the anger so my posts say what I mean, haha.

[chumbler]

I always arrange a time 30min before so that if mil is due 10am, I'd arrange it for 9.30, she'd arrive late at 10am so she's kind on time for me!

[Zorigami]

Hope you enjoyed your champagne bath and leg waxing

I know you've probably signed off from here now, but OMG, what happened to honouring commitments made. Fair play to you for trying to encourage a relationship with your MiL, but I think I'd have given up by now. Just out of curiosity, the things you have stopped doing with her - does she know its because you can't take her time-keeping any more.

Basically, she isn't treating your family with respect. Perhaps you should challenge (conversation, not action) some of her expectations of the way she expects to be treated. And for all the people saying get your DH to do it. If OP was doing that, she'd then get a flaming for being a crap DiL.

[diddl]

Oops! INBU!

[diddl]

OP of course IBU to be annoyed that MIL was late.

But if MIL can't be on time when they are actually going somewhere, she's hardly going to bother to be on time when she is the one collecting, looking after & then taking back her GC, is she?

For me there wouldn't be a next time of this and if we were supposed to go somewhere together & she was late I would go without her.

[buildingafootieteam]

YANBU, in all honesty I think you're married to me! That's exactly what my DM is like. I now always tell her 30-45 mins earlier to be there than I need her. She asks me if she can take DC and then still cannot be on time. It's very frustrating

[Iwonderif]

Constant lateness is rude. A one off is fine, we've all done it due to one thing or another.

Constant lateness with no apologies is simply bad manners. She'll never change OP. Accept she's rubbish at time keeping always will be and allow extra time for all occasions thus hopefully halting your BP from rising.

Hope you enjoyed your day (in the end)

[gruffaloshmuffalo]

My Mil does the same.

One day she asked for ds1, so I made plans with friends. She called 5 mins after she was supposed to be at mine and said she'd just woken up and she'd be there within the hour. I had had enough at that point so I said no. I'd take ds1 with me and she could see him another time. She wasn't that late again for a long time.

It's starting to creep up now, the lateness. She'll be late then want to chat, then will bring the boys back after 2 hours meaning I have no time to do anything. Then she'll want to chat again. Why offer?!

So no. I don't buy into the "she's babysitting so doing you a favour. Don't conplain" route. It's rude to be late, no matter what the plans

[shazzarooney99]

My word! shes doing you a huge favour by babysitting when you have your day off! if it werent for her you would have to pay a childminder, im sorry but your attitude is disgusting.

[coffeetasteslikeshit]

Curly, I was referring to the people who's only comment was that they've never had a day off. Not. The. Point.

[tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit]

"she's very controlling and if any of the family get annoyed she turns on the guilt"

OK, that's a different kettle of fish entirely.

Lateness can be for a variety of reasons. Many of my friends are constantly late and it's no big deal to me. I wouldn't arrange to meet at 9 and then be angry when they turn up at 9:45 - I know what they're like and make allowances. Probably why we're still friends.

But controlling and using guilt to manipulate are a different thing entirely and no they're not on, or course not.

But even so, what can you do other than be one step ahead? When you say 9, expect her at 10 (or however late she usually is).

[mrsb26]

I'm so sick of it! It's my day off,

I was to sympathise with you, I really do, as I hate it when people are late. However, I had to actually re-read what you'd written above as I couldn't actually believe you'd written it. Like it's your entitlement or something!! Welcome to parenthood, op, where 99% of the population are lucky if they get an hour off! Wow.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Some are even stating that lateness is rude BUT IN THIS pARTICULAR instance, re nap time, it wouldn't bother them.

I do wish people would stop saying "I wish people would stop missing the point!"

[TheDayIBroke]

breezeharbour don't forget to get a facial and massage whilst you're about it!

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Coffee, of course they're not missing the point. The lateness impacts on this particular part of childcare and some posters are specifically addressing that complaint only.

[chanie44]

Op, I would be annoyed too!!!

My MIL runs on a different internal clock to me. I like to know roughly what I'm doing and when but her approach is more laid back.

It does drive me mad, but I've accepted we are the way we are and plan around it. For example, if we are going anywhere, I get her to come here and phone before she is leaving. I won't start to get ready until I know she is on her way.

I guess from MILs point of view, if you didn't have any planned appointments then it probably didn't matter what time she arrived, so she probably doesn't see herself as being late.

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

enjoy the hot tub & champagne breeze ;)

You can leave a hair shirt for your MIL as a thank you?

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Op, you have explained things much better in your last few posts. She sounds as if she wants to have your DC and make these other arrangements to do things but for it to fit in around HER plans, even if her "plans" are "the ability to go and buy a jumper on a whim if I want, even if it makes me late for X, Y, Z".

It may not be a control thing, it may just be a selfish thing. It may even be as simple as her feeling like she has spent her life fitting in with other people's plans or her obligations to others and now sees all her time as her own, to spend it how she sees fit.

Which I'm sure most people could understand, but it does make things difficult for others. She has proved she is unreliable, so surely the only answer is not to rely on her. Factor in a period of lateness when you are arranging activities your end. That's your only option. Other than to fall out with her. But it doesn't seem a good enough reason to fall out with someone if she is otherwise a nice person.

[coffeetasteslikeshit]

This thread is making me want to scream arghhhhhhhhhhhh! I've never seen so many posters miss the point so often.

YANBU.

[breezeharbour]

Anyway I'm going to stop checking this for a while because I need to spend my day sitting in my hot tub drinking champagne while having my legs waxed, as I do every month when I drag my sobbing MIL round to care for my DC for 12 hours straight