To deal with MIL's lateness like this (sorry bit long)

[breezeharbour]

MIL is always, always late. I love her but it's getting to the point where I'm finding it really inconsiderate. It's already spoiled things I've done with her in the past- things we used to do regularly which I ended up backing out of because it took up so much of my spare time just waiting for her. She's very big on guilt trips too, so if she'd ask if I was waiting and I'd say yes, I'd get a very long spiel of how busy she's been, how much she's had to do to rush round. Usually found out afterwards it's not been true and she's just farted around basically not holding our arrangements in any kind of priority.
She does do this with everyone in the family and seems to find it as some kind of funny quirk, so it's not just me.
However DC is our only child and to me, as they're under 1, I don't feel like I can just spend hours hanging around for her as it's not fair on me or DC.

So today, DH is out and we asked MIL if she'd like DC so I can have a day off. We arrange for her to come round at 9:30. This is pretty much at DC's nap time so I figured it would be good as DC can sleep in the car. I knew she'd be late so I gave it 15 minutes or so, keeping DC busy.
She was fucking 45 minutes late with no apology, just swanned in. I'm so sick of it! It's my day off, she chose the bloody time to collect DC. I know to some, it's not a lot of time to wait, but it's every single time we do something. I didn't want to put DC down to sleep as they have an hour and I didn't really want to then have to wake them mid-nap (always has a bad ending).

So as soon as she got in, I just turned on the fake smiles and merriment and said "you might have a grumpy DGC today, it's nap time but we've been waiting up for you!" Of course the reply is "No, you won't be grumpy with me will you!" Cue DC whining.
The other thing she will do is hang around and talk for as long as possible, just about absolutely nothing and usually things she's already said to DH on the phone the day before she comes round. I got DC's bag, picked up the car seat, went to the door and was just like, right there's everything you'll need, and started to say goodbye to DC. So kind of herded them both out the door. IMO 45 minutes late means you've lost your time to chat.

Was this the right thing to do? I have said thank you, several times before they left, for having DC. I am very aware as well that every time this happens, she is doing me a favour, which makes it worse because I think she sees that as "well I'm doing this for you so how can you complain?" But to me, it's my time sat waiting as is DC's. And is having her DGC for the day doing me a favour when she'd get so much out of it too?

In future I am going to specify a time at least an hour earlier than I mean. But she probably would still be late. It's like she has to make sure she's never waiting for anyone, that whatever she's doing it has to be her time that comes first.

[breezeharbour]

Another that is a lovely thing to say, thank you.

For those who asked, Lateness coming home has always been past DCs bedtime. Sometimes That includes missing a feed by hours too.
I could, to be fair, go into more detail about MILs care of DC which might change people's opinions, but it would be going off-topic and I'm not trying to be woe-is-me. I just wanted to have a vent and get some advice on the changing time idea really, because I want to put aside problems and my worries so they can have a good relationship and DC can be part of a loving family.

[Thaila]

You sound very spoilt if I'm honest. You are VERY lucky to have a MIL to babysit your child. Also, why is she picking your child up? If you ask her to babysit, then offering to take the child to her's would be fairer, surely? Just be grateful you have her help and buy her a big bunch of flowers to show your appreciation.

[DickDewy]

Perhaps, as it's Saturday and you're just having a day to yourself, she didn't realise how important it was to you that she arrived promptly.

Tbh, you sound quite whiny and ungrateful.

[PuppyMonkey]

Maybe you SHOULD start arranging another babysitter - and TELL HER that you've done that too.

So when she moans: "But I would have babysat for free" you can explain that she's let you down with timings so often in the past, you needed someone to reliably be there at the agreed time.

Repeat this exercise as necessary. Either she'll get the message or she'll miss out on her time with dgc.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Ooh you're harsh, OP. 45 mins late? You didn't have any appointments or arrangements to meet with anyone else? And she's having your DC for the whole day? AND came to pick him up rather than you or your DH going to her home? Can't see what you're complaining about in that instance. On its own you sound very entitled. What is the "haven't had a day off in a month" got to do with it anyway?! That's your problem, not hers. And it's not a big problem in my eyes. I thought I had an incredibly generous mum to have my kids every 2 or 3 months for the day or an overnighter. Anyway it's an avoidable "problem" - why can't DH have your son for the day while you go off out somewhere, or take him to MIL's for the day if you want the house to yourself/a nap. Then your MIL gets to see her grandson, DH gets a chance to relax a bit and you get your time alone.)

The other stuff i would have a problem with. Not being home when you turn up at an agreed time. Or lateness to a meal that someone had arranged. That's rude. Wouldn't be too happy with returning the kid 2 hours past bedtime either. Although I would have gone to pick him up so wouldn't have this problem.

[Nydj]

OP, I agree that favour or not, it is very rude to be late all the time.if people don't want to or don't have the time to do something then say so or just say no but if they agree to do something at a specific time then bloody well do it at that time! By being late all the time, she has changed it from a nice thing to do into a power struggle to show that her time is more important than yours.

[knobblyknee]

YANBU and you've had some really ignorant responses. I doubt half the people that answered even bothered to read your post.

And no, you dont have to be grateful she bothered to turn up an hour late, as she is self centered and controlling, not doing you a favour.

If this was her Dad, the answers you got would have been very different IIMO.

[BackInTheRealWorld]

Can you tell us why she has to pick him up and drop him off? If you are so concerned about time wouldn't it make more sense for you to drop him off and collect him. It would make you more in control of the time thing. And also it's the decent thing to do I think when someone is doing you a favour like that.

[breezeharbour]

Iampissedoff that's really interesting.

Day off, I meant away from DC. I don't think I've said how I'm spending my day. People do make assumptions!

[OttiliaVonBCup]

Blimey, just because OP has the temerity to want a day off she get slaughtered?

MIL offered, and she gets the grandchild for the day. I call that even, it's not even a favour.

[breezeharbour]

Unfortunately I can't drive and where MIL lives there are no regular buses. However it's only a 10 minute drive so she offers to come over. When DH is here and she babysits we drove DC over. As I've said, DH is away so he can't take DC. Sorry, missed that question.

[iwasyoungonce]

OP, you are being given a very hard time for no good reason. Yes, it IS bloody annoying when people are late. Yes, it's still annoying even when they are doing you a favour. If your MIL couldn't get there til 10.15, then she bloody well should have let you know. An arrangement is an arrangement, and it's inconsiderate to just turn up late with no apology or explanation.

I don't think you sound ungrateful. Just understandably pissed off with your MIL's inconsiderate attitude.

I think I'd have to say something (or get DH to do it).

[Cleensheetsandbedding]

breeze enjoy your time now and relax!

[breezeharbour]

cleansheets I am actually finishing decorating DCs nursery! But I will enjoy it maybe with some cake :)

[tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit]

"Enough with the 'I never had any time off' one upmanship"

I'm sorry but the OP is being incredibly precious and ungrateful.

Her MIL is doing her a favour, however she frames it.

I agree that the OP needs to accept she's like this and work round it. What else can you do?

I have friends who are always late. I make plans with them that accommodate that.

If someone who was always late was looking after my DC I would drop them off at theirs if possible.

I certainly wouldn't forgot my manners and be rude to them when they've just arrived to look after my DC.

[RavioliOnToast]

I think you should organise things for half an hour later than the time you tell her. That way she'll be on time/ 10-15 minutes late, which is more bearable. I agree lateness is not on, but she's Doing you a favour tbh. Not everyone gets a 'day off' and especially not a monthly one!

[clockbuscanada]

Agree with PissedOff. My ILs are chronically but randomly late, in our case it's somewhere on the spectrum between thoughtlessness, not remembering that some people aren't retired and don't have that much time on their hands, and occasionally a control/know your place thing, and DH is onside with seeing it for what it is. He deals with them, I smile and wave, we don't rely on them in any way.

If I want a day off (and there's nothing wrong with that, by the way, in fact I would say it's VITAL to my mental health and sense of self to do that once in a while) I outsource it and pay - it's worth the money I otherwise would have spent on a week's worth of bought lunches/massage/haircut/half price shoes/new perfume etc and I see it as another treat to myself, and DD enjoys the change of scenery and other kids to play with.

[abbsismyhero]

my family has form for this so i told them my wedding was an hour before it actually was they arrived on time for once!

this is the family where my aunt was frantically applying mascara and curling her hair while driving to her own father's funeral (my mom ordered her to pull over and she drove by the way as she was actually ready)

yanbu its irritating i tend to go out now if they dont show up im gone!

[breezeharbour]

Just one more thing before I go-

I did not say I get time away from DC every month

I said the last time was a month ago

I know to the people who raise 300 children on their own hundreds of miles away from anyone 24/7 it doesn't matter but I haven't said when, or if, I had any time away from DC before that at all.

[clockbuscanada]

Agh, the thread has moved on, I agree with PissedOff that you should bat it back to your DH, I mean.