To deal with MIL's lateness like this (sorry bit long)

[breezeharbour]

MIL is always, always late. I love her but it's getting to the point where I'm finding it really inconsiderate. It's already spoiled things I've done with her in the past- things we used to do regularly which I ended up backing out of because it took up so much of my spare time just waiting for her. She's very big on guilt trips too, so if she'd ask if I was waiting and I'd say yes, I'd get a very long spiel of how busy she's been, how much she's had to do to rush round. Usually found out afterwards it's not been true and she's just farted around basically not holding our arrangements in any kind of priority.
She does do this with everyone in the family and seems to find it as some kind of funny quirk, so it's not just me.
However DC is our only child and to me, as they're under 1, I don't feel like I can just spend hours hanging around for her as it's not fair on me or DC.

So today, DH is out and we asked MIL if she'd like DC so I can have a day off. We arrange for her to come round at 9:30. This is pretty much at DC's nap time so I figured it would be good as DC can sleep in the car. I knew she'd be late so I gave it 15 minutes or so, keeping DC busy.
She was fucking 45 minutes late with no apology, just swanned in. I'm so sick of it! It's my day off, she chose the bloody time to collect DC. I know to some, it's not a lot of time to wait, but it's every single time we do something. I didn't want to put DC down to sleep as they have an hour and I didn't really want to then have to wake them mid-nap (always has a bad ending).

So as soon as she got in, I just turned on the fake smiles and merriment and said "you might have a grumpy DGC today, it's nap time but we've been waiting up for you!" Of course the reply is "No, you won't be grumpy with me will you!" Cue DC whining.
The other thing she will do is hang around and talk for as long as possible, just about absolutely nothing and usually things she's already said to DH on the phone the day before she comes round. I got DC's bag, picked up the car seat, went to the door and was just like, right there's everything you'll need, and started to say goodbye to DC. So kind of herded them both out the door. IMO 45 minutes late means you've lost your time to chat.

Was this the right thing to do? I have said thank you, several times before they left, for having DC. I am very aware as well that every time this happens, she is doing me a favour, which makes it worse because I think she sees that as "well I'm doing this for you so how can you complain?" But to me, it's my time sat waiting as is DC's. And is having her DGC for the day doing me a favour when she'd get so much out of it too?

In future I am going to specify a time at least an hour earlier than I mean. But she probably would still be late. It's like she has to make sure she's never waiting for anyone, that whatever she's doing it has to be her time that comes first.

[HannahHobbins]

YA sooo NBU
My late MIL did this every single time we saw them, and it was so annoying, we missed out on meeting friends, going to places, food was regularly burnt and she just didn't give a shit.

You are getting a harsh ride here and I don't think people can understand how intensely annoying it is and how dismissive it seems that of the person doing it. Is so disrespectful.

So yes it is nice that she is helping you and I can see you are not ungrateful but it kind of spoils it, I understand!!!

[brightnearly]

to all posters who "never had a single day off ever" in 100 years. Actually, 3 s to them.

And they're missing the point by about 100 000 000 miles.

YANBU but you won't be able to change your MIL, you have to find a way to roll with it.

[zaraduckface]

You come across as very entitled, poor you not having a day off from your children that you chose to have. How very dare your MIL be late when providing free childcare and doing the collecting and then have the nerve to chat rather than doing her duty of simply collecting the children in ten seconds flat.

I don't get this, presumably no one is forcing the MIL to spend the day with her grandson, presumably she has offered...some people on here sound hella bitter.

So if I offer to give you a lift somewhere for example, and then I am 45 mins late, are you not allowed to be annoyed with me because I am still doing you a favour? You're crackers.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Ugh, you do sound ungrateful however I totally get what you mean. I can't rely on ds grandmother for babysitting because she is awful with time keeping. She sees him once a week (not babysitting) and I can't arrange anything for that time because she never collects on time, or drops off when she says she will. I've tried offering pickup and drop off but get told no. So, whilst your post perhaps isn't worded well, I do get what you mean. Just got to grit your teeth though!

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

Zara, the MIL didn't offer anything. She likely couldnt say no after her DIL asking her for fear of being branded selfish etc or fearing she won't see her grandchild again if she doesn't conform.

It didnt matter what time she turned up today really as OP wasn't on a deadline and simply wanted a day off as she hadn't had one in a month. Now given the baby is only six months old so she'll be on maternity so at least nine months off work and the fact that she has a DH to help out when he's not working its not like she's hard done too. Yet it's the MIL that's in the wrong for being late and daring to want to chat?

If I turned up to offer free childcare and was greeted with that kind of reception then it wouldn't be an issue going forward as it wouldn't happen again.

[mintoil]

Gosh I think you have had a rough ride on this thread OP. I absolutely hate lateness and consider it dreadfully rude.

So to go back to your original question about how to deal with it - I would use her as little as possible for childcare, especially if timekeeping is particularly important. I would also try to be the one to drop DC off at hers rather than have her coming to you. If she isn't home I would swan off somewhere else and text her explaining why.

If she asks why she isn't seeing you so much I would be honest and explain it is because she is so unreliable.

[knobblyknee]

AutumnLeavesArePretty You;ve completely missed the point the point of the post is about poor timekeeping, and this event being the straw that broke the camels back.

OP said she loves her MIL.
No where did she threaten to break contact.

[BackforGood]

I hate lateness with a passion.
Unless it's a one off or there is a good reason for it, it drives me barmy.

However

You have come across on here as being very self-entitled and rude yourself.

The "I haven't had a day off for a month" comment was probably the one where most parents lost sympathy with you. You may be lovely OP, but it's just not the impression you are giving on here, hence the responses you are getting.

[SoupDragon]

The point of the post what the OP asking whether she was unreasonable to have herded her MIL out without taking any time to chat.

[stardusty5]

YANBU. Lateness is rude, and as you say, if it had been a one off you wouldn't have minded

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

If the OP doesn't like the timekeeping of her MIL it's pretty simple to deal with. Stop asking for childcare or lifts to the shops and just visit phoning first to check she's in. Simple.

[BarbarianMum]

You get to dictate the terms best when you are paying. Sounds like a baby sitter would suit you better, why not find one? Unpaid help do often expect social niceties like conversation.

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

Goodness me, so NONE o fthe critical posters on here thinks it matters if children are two hours late to bed, not having been fed? From the tone of the original poster, this hasn't happened once but several times.

I think it's important that that children have regular bed times and, you know. Food at regular times. Especially when they're small.

this Grandmother gets upset if other people are late but finds it just fine for her to be late. She wants to be the centre of attention and is very controlling, the OP has said.


The OP is trying to foster a good relationship between her and the grandchildren. I don't see how on earth she can be expected to regularly wait around for 45 mins, 90 mins, 2 hours for the GM to keep to agreements.

That's not the OP being ungrateful, that's normal. A one - off? fine. Regularly? No.

[BarbarianMum]

Of course it would matter to me. So much so that I wouldn't put my children in that position. Perfectly possible to foster a good relationship with a grandparent without them having sole charge for the day, or relying on them for collection and drop off

[diddl]

MIL IBU for always being late.

OP I think was rude to just chivvy her out the door.

Best thing, don't use herfor childcare, let husband sort out the relationship between his mum & his child.

[AnotherCider]

Oh FFS, my DM and DMIL live on the other side of the world as do the rest of our families. DH travels and is away more than he is here. I haven't had a moment of child free time that i haven't paid for, i've travelled long haul with both DSs on my own which bloody hard work, traveling long distances just so both sides of the family can develop relationships with both DSs (and sometimes not getting family holidays with DH as a result), and I still think all of you giving the op a hard time are a bunch of bloody martyrs.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

The OP made the mistake of making the first post about a specific childcare issue but then saying that really it was about other things too. People then quite rightly assume this is her main complaint. They do understand the general problem with lateness in all areas of life, but people tend to respond to what the OP first asked.

[amarmai]

been threads about the perpetually late people before. They tend to be dropped as friends. This being your mil-your idea of giving a time an hour earlier may help -until she cottons on-as a behaviour pattern indicates it is deliberate and it serves a purpose for the person choosing to do this. Pay attention to her face and eyes when you try the new plan. Is she watching you to see the micro expressions of annoyance? If she no longer sees them then the game is on. As she initiated the game and has been at it for a loong time , she will be more skillfull than you . Let us know how it works out. Fascinating!

[BeaufortBelle]

I think you are extremely lucky to have a grandparent who is prepared to give you a free day. I didn't have one of those until my DC were 3.5 and 7.

I also think lateness is extremely disrespectful and discourteous. My MIL is exactly the same although not as helpful as yours. She is always late and nowadays I am extremely no nonsense and firm with her. When dd was about 5 she had a hospital appointment, I was working and rushed back to collect her from MILs care. DD was not ready, was not clean, was not dressed and it was a good job I had factored in 20 minutes. I was livid.

MIL is continually late for things like hair appointments, etc., and cuts it fine for the doctor/dentist. She likes to come to church when she stays with us and I often have a duty to do and have to be there early. I have made it extremely clear that we have to be in the car at 9.05 and I will give her one warning call. If she isn't downstairs with her coat and gloves on and ready to go at 9.05 (there's a bit of slack) I leave without her. It only happened once and she was extremely shocked but I think took on board "I'm sorry, but I have a commitment and I will not let other people down by being late".

After nearly 30 years I still don't understand why she does it. I think it's a combination of lack of organisation and lack of respect for the time and obligations of other people. I think part of it is about her self importance as a previous deputy headteacher but how she ever held down a responsible job I'll never know although I have heard her say things like, well the parents wanted to see me so they could wait or why should I worry when other people were late.

[breezeharbour]

That is true, curlyassassin. I've read my OP and it is a lot angrier than I would write now and I wouldn't have worded a lot of it the same/would have put it in a bit more context.

I suppose that's why a lot of people come here though, to vent when they're annoyed. And that's why I added posts later to clarify.
But I can see how it could come across! I'm just grateful to the people who got what I meant without jumping on the bits that were written in frustration. I'm really not self-entitled or spoilt, despite the online foot-stamping, and I rely on other people as little as possible.
But Everyone is entitled to an opinion and I'm not taking offence to anything :)

[breezeharbour]

CurlyHairedAssassin, sorry!

[PixieChops]

I don't think you're BU. Winds me up if someone is late all the time. There's someone in my life who says they'll come at a certain time on a certain day and they're always about 40 minutes late. It annoys me as they point out they don't get to see my children enough. I now have the attitude of "it's not my problem".
Agree with pp though, if you would've used a different scenario you would've got a very different response. Don't you know mums aren't entitled to ANY time off for themselves and must look after their children until they're 40 and continue to wipe their backsides for them? How very dare you want any time to yourself I've got two kids under two and if I don't get any time to myself I lose the plot. If anything it's for your own sanity, so bugger everyone else.

[definitelybutter1]

My ds has no grandparents living. No family very close. I guess I have had someone take him for an afternoon less than a dozen times in the last nine years. From that perspective...

YANBU It isn't about you getting a chance to decorate. It is about her making your life harder.

I suggest that you phase out the chances she has. Don't plan anything that will leave you waiting if she doesn't show but allows you do keep doing stuff. Use paid babysitters, but don't mention anything to her about you going anywhere. I suggest that you plan nothing with her that she can make you miss.

How is DH with this?

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

"We arrange for her to come round at 9:30" because of DC nap time. If she only lives a 10 min ride away then I don't see your reasoning about him having it in the car. It's hardly a long enough nap time. And if he woke up when they got to hers then he probably would be grumpy. She probably wouldn't have wanted to leave him asleep in the car so she probably calculated that maybe if she came a bit later you would have let him have his nap by the time she got there. i don't understand why you didn't call her when she was about 20 mins late asking whether you should put DS down for his nap before she came as you didn't want him overtired when she arrived. That's exactly what I would have done given she is often late.

Seems better communication from YOU about your reasons behind your choices would alleviate a lot of this.