To deal with MIL's lateness like this (sorry bit long)

[breezeharbour]

MIL is always, always late. I love her but it's getting to the point where I'm finding it really inconsiderate. It's already spoiled things I've done with her in the past- things we used to do regularly which I ended up backing out of because it took up so much of my spare time just waiting for her. She's very big on guilt trips too, so if she'd ask if I was waiting and I'd say yes, I'd get a very long spiel of how busy she's been, how much she's had to do to rush round. Usually found out afterwards it's not been true and she's just farted around basically not holding our arrangements in any kind of priority.
She does do this with everyone in the family and seems to find it as some kind of funny quirk, so it's not just me.
However DC is our only child and to me, as they're under 1, I don't feel like I can just spend hours hanging around for her as it's not fair on me or DC.

So today, DH is out and we asked MIL if she'd like DC so I can have a day off. We arrange for her to come round at 9:30. This is pretty much at DC's nap time so I figured it would be good as DC can sleep in the car. I knew she'd be late so I gave it 15 minutes or so, keeping DC busy.
She was fucking 45 minutes late with no apology, just swanned in. I'm so sick of it! It's my day off, she chose the bloody time to collect DC. I know to some, it's not a lot of time to wait, but it's every single time we do something. I didn't want to put DC down to sleep as they have an hour and I didn't really want to then have to wake them mid-nap (always has a bad ending).

So as soon as she got in, I just turned on the fake smiles and merriment and said "you might have a grumpy DGC today, it's nap time but we've been waiting up for you!" Of course the reply is "No, you won't be grumpy with me will you!" Cue DC whining.
The other thing she will do is hang around and talk for as long as possible, just about absolutely nothing and usually things she's already said to DH on the phone the day before she comes round. I got DC's bag, picked up the car seat, went to the door and was just like, right there's everything you'll need, and started to say goodbye to DC. So kind of herded them both out the door. IMO 45 minutes late means you've lost your time to chat.

Was this the right thing to do? I have said thank you, several times before they left, for having DC. I am very aware as well that every time this happens, she is doing me a favour, which makes it worse because I think she sees that as "well I'm doing this for you so how can you complain?" But to me, it's my time sat waiting as is DC's. And is having her DGC for the day doing me a favour when she'd get so much out of it too?

In future I am going to specify a time at least an hour earlier than I mean. But she probably would still be late. It's like she has to make sure she's never waiting for anyone, that whatever she's doing it has to be her time that comes first.

[DoreenLethal]

Why can your DH not just take DC to grandma and you have your day off?

Why can't you read the thread and absorb the information that her husband is away at the moment?

[diddl]

She's never usually on time.

Why would this be any different?

[Tanith]

Iampissed: if you'd bothered reading the thread properly instead of being hell-bent on sticking the boot into the Op, you'd know why her DH couldn't help on this occasion!

[RavioliOnToast]

pissed has already corrected themselves

[zaraduckface]

I must remember that next time I offer to babysit for my sister or a friend I'll just turn up whenever I want. Good to know.

[FuzzyDucker]

Ignore the overly critical responses. You can have a day off and I think it's rude for someone to be late collecting your child on your day off, just as it is to be late to pre arranged events and so on. I would be cross if my dh was giving me a day off and said he'd take the DC out at 10am and he was in the shower or drinking coffee while I entertained the DC at 10.30 or whenever.

Fwiw my mil is very similar to yours and I now have to add 45 minutes to any time I give her. She doesn't have my DC when I work because she won't arrive on time and I need to be at work on time, my dm has them in the morning and mil picks them up from her later in the day for a bit.

Neither my mil or my do have my DC so I can have a day off, only when I work. Dh gives me half a day off occasionally, in which time I usually do the food shop! It's not a competition about who gets time off and how much and so on and you are within your rights to be annoyed your mil messed up your DCs nap routine and, for all she knew, you may have had a hair appointment booked for 10am which you would have missed. Be on time people, it's rude to be consistently late.

[diddl]

Well I do think that knowing your MIL's form for tardyness, if time was important then you should have taken yourkid to her.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

"she wants her MIL to have quality time with her child which nakes her a bloody awesome DIL quite frankly"

What a load of bollocks! You make it sound as if OP is doing her MIL the favour!

Everyone knows that looking after small children is tiring and can be stressful. Grandparents are usually older and it's doubly so for them. The fact is that they have grandchildren for The day because they KNOW it's hard being a parent and so like to give their adult children a break from it. The fact that they are spending time with their grandkids is a byproduct of this. They could still have a quality relationship with their grandchildren even if the parents were also around to help with the more difficult bits. or by minding them alone for just a couple of hours regularly rather than the whole day every couple of months.

Parents who think that they are doing the grandparents a favour by "letting" them mind them for a whole day so that they themselves can spend the day how they wish are really very naive and need to start seeing things from a less self-centred point of view. "I" am letting her have "my" precious child for the day. Try and see things from others' point of view occasionally and it might make you less entitled.

[Gobbolino6]

My parents are always late. They're hyper organised in every other area of life, so it does bug me, because somewhere they must be making the decision that their time is more important than other people's. I have learned to say 'see you there ' for anything vital. That said, if they are doing something relaxed like taking the children out or to theirs, I don't mind, it doesn't really affect anything and I appreciate the time they invest in my DC. I certainly wouldn't ask them to have them so I could have a day off, though they would, and if I did, I'd think it was rather audacious to complain if they were delayed.

[NerrSnerr]

It does come across as spoilt I'm afraid. It's not her fault that you can't drive your child to her house, she is doing you a favour and you knew she was going to be late so should have factored it in.

Maybe it's the way you've written it OP but it does sound like you feel like you have the right to your day off and you're doing your mil a favour in letting her babysit.

[theycallmemellojello]

You were rude. There are times when lateness is inappropriate; when you're popping over to take your GC out for an entire day is not one of them. If you'd said that you needed to be somewhere at a certain time, that' s a different matter. But I sincerely doubt she considered that this appointment was time sensitive. I think you need to make it clearer when you arrange babysitting with her that you expect her to be there "on the dot" and will not tolerate lateness. If you don't feel comfortable demanding this, it's probably because it's inappropriate.

[TheDayIBroke]

breezeharbour I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would get fed up with the lateness, too. As mentioned upthread, you are going to have to get tough - start adjusting the times she needs to be somewhere, so that her lateness will make her on time. If she tells you a time to be at her house and she is not there, wait for a few minutes, then leave. Place a note in her letterbox saying you had been but she was not there. She will not change until it affects her, which it will. It is selfish to be continuously late for everything and it is not some funny little quirk of hers.

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

You have to love the spin some people put on free childcare, it's about the GPs having quality time with the children and not that the parents want time off.

You come across as very entitled, poor you not having a day off from your children that you chose to have. How very dare your MIL be late when providing free childcare and doing the collecting and then have the nerve to chat rather than doing her duty of simply collecting the children in ten seconds flat.

[Samantha28]

One of my brothers is like this . He missed my others brother's wedding at which he was supposed to be the best man . A few years later , he missed a christening at which is he was one of the godparents ( yes, the same brothers child ) .

You would think they would have learned never to rely on him.

There was no good reason for him missing both these events BTW eg car broke down, pile up on motorway . He simply didn't allow enough time for the car journey . Twice .

[IguanaTail]

YANBU. Lateness is rude. Arrange it for an hour earlier than planned in future and keep her waiting.

[Samantha28]

I forgot to say - I agree that it's rude and controlling to be always late . If I were the op I'd be pissed off too

[Kryptonite]

YADNBU, I cannot stand it when people are consistently late it's so damn rude and inconsiderate. Like their time is more important than anyone else's and stuff the rest of us.
No idea why there's some people being arsey on the first page, the OP said that it's not just for childcare, it's being late for EVERYTHING, including shopping trips and more mundane stuff.
I'd be pissed off as well.

[IguanaTail]

It's theft. She is stealing your time.

[HairySubject]

The babysitting is neither here nor there, take that out and just ask if it is reasonable for anyone to continuously be late and the answer is of course they are being rude!

My ex MIL was the same, even when ds had hospital appointments I just lied about the time.

[suzannecaravaggio]

It's theft. She is stealing your time
Hehehe
(You're damn right though!)

[chocolatemademefat]

If you give her a time and she's late put your DC down for the nap and that way you still get time to yourself. And if she arrives during the nap she has time to repeat her stories to you while DC sleeps.

My MIL stated from the minute I told her I was pregnant that she wouldn't be babysitting and she stuck to her word. You're on here looking for opinions and mine is that you have to suck it up during the baby years and forget me time. You might get some but you might not.

[SanityClause]

It's theft. She is stealing your time.

Only if you think the OP is entitled to child free time.

Which she's not.

[Nospringflower]

I think people who are late all the time are really annoying but I don't think most of them think 'right I'll keep them waiting'. I just think they tend to be useless at prioritising, thinking ahead, planning etc and then suddenly find themselves late. I think if you know people who are always like this then if you make arrangements with them you just have to accept that they are likely to be late. If you can't accept that then you have to not make arrangements because they're not going to change.