To be upset at how these friends have behaved?

[Kitonian]

I have been friends with 3 other mums from my DD's school for several years. I will call them A, B and C. We have, for the past couple of years met for lunch once a month and also occasionally gone out for meals/drinks in the evening.

A is quite a negative person and seems to see the worst in people and has had a lot of fallings out in the past with others. Two months ago our DDs had a bit of a falling out at school. It only lasted a week, at the most (they are 8) and then they were friends again.

During this time, friend A:

Deleted me from an ongoing Facebook chat that the 4 of us had to keep in touch with each other.

Deleted and blocked me on Facebook.

Sent me a text saying she was not willing to spend anymore time with me or speak to me again due to the girls falling out, and that I was not welcome at our next planned lunch for the following week.

I replied to her and said that it was a shame that she wanted to fall out over the girls having a spat, but said I would be willing for us to meet with the girls if she wanted to try to sort things out between them. She replied again saying that I was deluded and to fuck off and that she was blocking my number on her phone.

I was upset but decided she couldn't have been much of a friend, but wanted to still be friends with B and C. I sent a text to both of them saying that A was upset with me over a falling out our girls had and had told me she would never speak to me again and wasn't welcome at lunch, but that I would like to keep in touch with both of them and perhaps the 3 of us could have lunch at some point to catch up.

Both sent me texts in reply along the vein of they don't want to get involved and that A was very upset etc. Neither of them said that they would like to meet up with me again. It was just kind of accepted as a given that I had been turfed out of the group. I presumed that they wouldn't go to lunch with A either, but no, the lunch the next week that I was uninvited to still went ahead, as they posted on FB about it on the day!

AIBU to not particularly give a shit about A given her behaviour, but to be very disappointed with B and C? I didn't expect them to get involved, just wanted to try to keep in touch with them and to let them know what had happened. If they see me at school they are both nice and polite with me but quite cool, it's clear their loyalties lie with A. I guess I just thought they would see it more objectively and also I thought they liked me and valued me as a friend but they clearly didn't if they are just willing to drop me on another person's say so?

Oops, almost forgot.

OP imo, YANBU for feeling upset, person A's behaviour was spiteful and childish and B and C were spineless in not standing up to her, I suspect because they didn't want to be on the receiving end of similar treatment. I think anyone in your situation would be feeling upset and angry at having been treated so unjustly.

I can't stand it when people are so over-involved in their childrens' friendships/fallings-out that they involve the parents and get things all out of proportion. Children fall out all the time, sometimes several times a day. Unless there's deliberate bullying or the parents have said something that has been passed on through their child to yours I can't see a reason to involve the parents in playground squabbles at all - and to be honest, bullying should be dealt with through the school, rather than via parents anyway.

Drop the lot of them. A sounds a bit unhinged, telling you to fuck off. I wouldn't chase B&C to be your friends as it were - if they don't want you as a friend and you try to please them, the friendship is not worth having anyway.

Ditch the lot, mourn the loss of 3 friends and associated activities and move on without them. Keep polite, say a brief hi and move on as though busy.

Oh and the great thing about being an adult and not being in a class with these people is that you can just ditch them and get on with the rest of your life.

I'd invite b and c to coffee or lunch either together or individually just Ri make sure they have absolutely sided with a or not. If they see you then fantastic carry on your friendship with them, if not then cut them all out and concentrate on your real friends.

I'm still chuckling at your earlier post, describing A trying to stare you out in the playground . She sounds like my teenagers, not a grown woman with kids. .

"Early on in my parenting "career" I met a mum who told me that she didn't do the mum-playground-friendship thing because the only thing she had in common with the other mums was that their children were the same age at the same school and that this alone was not enough to form the basis of a friendship. It was a refreshing thought and one I then copied. It was good advice."

Not really good advice, IMO. OK, but doesn't go far enough.

We tend to end up in groups, based on work, hobbies, lifestyle, whatever - so we are spending time with people with whom we have something in common - like having children at the same school. This is not ever going to be a guarantee of close friendship, but it is somewhere to start. It gives you common reference points, to start a conversation. Plus, as you spend time with these people (at the school gates, or when your dc are having theirs over to play, or vice versa), you get more time to have more conversations about more things - and this may lead to friendships developing.

IMO, it would be equally foolish to expect close friendships to develop as it would be to assume that, with only your children in common, there's no chance of friendship.

Frankly, the chances of a good friendship developing are the same in the playground as they are in any other group (work colleagues, knitting group, art class, book group, sports team, religious group etc etc) - so my advice would be don't close yourself off to the possibility of friendship, but be phlegmatic if you don't end up making lifelong friends.

I made some very good friends at the school gate - I am still in touch with two women who I met when our children started school together - the three boys are now 22, graduates and working, and I have moved to the other end of the country, but we are still in touch, and when I saw one of them last summer, we picked up the friendship as if no time had elapsed - it was lovely. I've got other friends who I met through the dc, who I have known even longer - one I met when my ds3 and her dd2 were in utero, and another who I met when my ds2 and her ds1 were 18 months old. All we had in common, to start with, was the children - but we have built amazing friendships.

I am lucky that I have never been in the OP's situation - and I can absolutely appreciate why she is so upset by what her so-called friends have done. In her position, I might be tempted to accept that the friendships with B and C are over, and I'd got nothing to lose, and based on that assumption, to think I had nothing to lose, and to send them each an email or message, politely but clearly telling them how hurtful their behaviour was, and how much they had upset me.

I can't believe when I read threads like this that some grown adults actually behave this way! Just - what the actual fuck?! Is this some weird 'playground' mode that some people revert back to when their kids are school age?! I don't get it. I don't want to get it. Sorry this has happened to you OP but honestly, ditch the silly cows. Life is way too short for this shit!

I also think the Key lies in the nature of the Spat!

If a child stole from my child...
If a child bullied my child....
If a child lied about my child....
if a child punched my child .... (beyond infant school)
If a child tried to manipulate friends away from my child....

I might have a hard time remaining friends with that childs mother. Especially if it had been an ongoing issues, and the spat one of many, or a culmination.

but it's a child that did it not the mother and she did offer to sort it out I can't see what she did wrong here

No, you are right.

I posted too quickly. If a child did any of these things and I had a hard time with the friendship with the mother, I would not behave like A, I would just take some quiet time off from the friendship for a little while.

It does not justify what A did, but can explain how she feels. She may just be an immature playground bully herself.

I know what you mean. If a child behaves a certain way, you do wonder who it's come from but I also would not be like a. Some girls dd had problems with at 8 are nice now at 11/12

I still find it impossible to believe that the op didn't have any idea that A was like this. Come on, you don't have a friendship with someone for years and suddenly have a falling out like this out of nowhere. The thing is that people often excuse or laugh off the behaviour of their friends because they're not subjected to it iyswim, but let's be honest, if A's reaction was so vastly out of character then the op would surely have questioned it rather than just assuming that she wasn't welcome at the lunch. You wouldn't just crumple if a friend of many years standing told you to fuck off and you were no longer welcome would you? Most people wouldn't anyway.

There has to be more to this that the op isn't telling here.

It sounds like you need to find out from your Dd exactly what happened in this 'spat'. From your friends reaction it seems it was alot more serious than you think. If a friend had called me deluded and told me to Fuck Off I think I'd do my utmost to get the full facts. The fact your other 2 friends are supporting her makes me think there must be something that you don't know about the situation.

JerryFerry "I used to get Wendoedbut now I am trying a bii of Wendying myself. Quite enjoying it actually."

You sound so proud of yourself Don't let the thought of upsetting someone who has done nothing to deserve it put you off though. Who knows, maybe the maths has been wrong all these years and two wrongs really do make a right.

OP You are better off without any of them. B and C are sheep, who lack even the basic common sense to get your side of the story before deciding to side with A. A, quite frankly, sounds batshit, with the abusive text and the staring-out at the school gate.

I knew an A in reception class. It is disappointing that B and C seem to be taking sides. But time is a great thing. Eventually they'll realise what A is like. You'll probably find A comes back to you after blanking you for several weeks because her dd wants yours round to play. She's shooting herself in the foot.

Surly - I saw that comment from JerryFerry too, and I agree with you.

If Jerry genuinely is 'Wendying' someone else, deliberately, and is happy about what they are doing, I find that very unpleasant.

Jerry - are you saying that you have been introduced to a friendship group, and are now deliberately (and maliciously) excluding from that group the person who introduced you? And you are enjoying that? If so, I think that is despicable of you.

This is crap Kitonian. I was frozen out of a group a few years back over a complete misunderstanding but when I tried to explain what had actually gone on, friend A didn't want to know and friend B sided with her. Friend C, who had stayed loyal to me as she knew I'd done nothing wrong, was also frozen out for being on my side so to speak. We'd all known each other for years so I couldn't believe A and B had chosen to think so badly of me when they must've known that I wouldn't have done what they were accusing me of. I came to the conclusion that they were tired of the friendship anyway (things had become a bit strained between the four of us and A and B had become really cliquey) and were just looking for an excuse to turf me and C out. Once I realised that I felt better and moved on with a clear conscience as knew I'd done nothing wrong. I think the dynamics in female friendship groups can be so childish and tiresome at times, not to mention hurtful. for you, forget about them, they are not worth it.

Remind me, who are the adults here...and who are the children?
You couldn't have know any of these silly cows would behave so badly, but now you have seen them in their true colours it's time to move on.
God, these 'mummy friends from school' really get on my t*ts!

Jerry I've never really seen the 'newbie element' as being essential to the Wendy label. A Wendy (from my experience of when the term has been used on MN) is simply a person who seeks to exclude one person from a friendship group for selfish (and usually quite pathetic) reasons. From how many times Wendy has been mentioned on this thread, I think there are quite a lot of posters who use the term n this way

you don't have a friendship with someone for years and suddenly have a falling out like this out of nowhere

OP's OP says: A is quite a negative person and seems to see the worst in people and has had a lot of fallings out in the past with others.

I think most of us have imperfect friends; we'd be pretty lonely otherwise!

Knowing about a friend's unhelpful qualities doesn't protect you from being hurt when that friend unleashes the full force of their crapness on you. Given that they'll naturally have downplayed their role in disasters past, you couldn't possibly know unless you did a thorough background check on them. Which would make you the peculiar one!

When Wendy & I bumped into her previous flatmates, they asked lots of 'jokey' questions about how I found living with her. I didn't recognise any of what they said so put it down to daft in-jokes from their times together. How could I have known the weirdo had a radical personality change each time she shifted targets? (Mind you, I'd be a bit more alert to that possibility now!)

This may apply -personalties and behaviour patterns can be frozen in a time of great emotional/psychological significance e.g. a girl who excelled socially in high school or a child who was bullied in primary school. Or this- teachers know that the first child who arrives hotfoot to tell on the other is often the one who caused the problem. Or this-in adult female life , the cause of strife can often be envy/jealousy. Or this- is it possible that the dominant female saw that you were not being properly subservient to her ,op? In a baboon troop, the alpha has to fight the wd be usurper and the others take the side of the winner. Are we all that different?

Oh I see that op on the first post has said she invited them out for coffee to have a chat, they have made excuses not to, then distance yourself and move on. They are silly babies, whose behaviour belongs in the school playground. Now you know where some children get their behaviour from! The parents are no better.

You'er better off without these people OP.

A is a cunt.

B&C are spineless cowards.

At some point A will behave like a cunt to B and/or C and they will realise how nasty she is. At the moment they will justify her behaviour with shite like "she's always been alright with me" or "you must have done something to upset her".

On a side note, this really isn't a "Wendy" situation because there really is no such thing as a Wendy anyway.

If you introduce a new friend to your social circle and they all drop you like a hot brick in favour of the shiny new friend, they weren't your mates anyway.

You might change your mind about that if you ever get one of your own, Captain. They wage long wars.