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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at how these friends have behaved?

157 replies

Kitonian · 14/01/2016 22:51

I have been friends with 3 other mums from my DD's school for several years. I will call them A, B and C. We have, for the past couple of years met for lunch once a month and also occasionally gone out for meals/drinks in the evening.

A is quite a negative person and seems to see the worst in people and has had a lot of fallings out in the past with others. Two months ago our DDs had a bit of a falling out at school. It only lasted a week, at the most (they are 8) and then they were friends again.

During this time, friend A:

Deleted me from an ongoing Facebook chat that the 4 of us had to keep in touch with each other.

Deleted and blocked me on Facebook.

Sent me a text saying she was not willing to spend anymore time with me or speak to me again due to the girls falling out, and that I was not welcome at our next planned lunch for the following week.

I replied to her and said that it was a shame that she wanted to fall out over the girls having a spat, but said I would be willing for us to meet with the girls if she wanted to try to sort things out between them. She replied again saying that I was deluded and to fuck off and that she was blocking my number on her phone.

I was upset but decided she couldn't have been much of a friend, but wanted to still be friends with B and C. I sent a text to both of them saying that A was upset with me over a falling out our girls had and had told me she would never speak to me again and wasn't welcome at lunch, but that I would like to keep in touch with both of them and perhaps the 3 of us could have lunch at some point to catch up.

Both sent me texts in reply along the vein of they don't want to get involved and that A was very upset etc. Neither of them said that they would like to meet up with me again. It was just kind of accepted as a given that I had been turfed out of the group. I presumed that they wouldn't go to lunch with A either, but no, the lunch the next week that I was uninvited to still went ahead, as they posted on FB about it on the day!

AIBU to not particularly give a shit about A given her behaviour, but to be very disappointed with B and C? I didn't expect them to get involved, just wanted to try to keep in touch with them and to let them know what had happened. If they see me at school they are both nice and polite with me but quite cool, it's clear their loyalties lie with A. I guess I just thought they would see it more objectively and also I thought they liked me and valued me as a friend but they clearly didn't if they are just willing to drop me on another person's say so?

OP posts:
Soooosie · 14/01/2016 23:09

I think you should have turned up to the lunch. It could look like you've left the group

SuckingEggs · 14/01/2016 23:09

What odd people. You're well rid!

PastaLaFeasta · 14/01/2016 23:10

Is it just because they are cowardly/want an easy life and so appease A by excluding you - squeakiest wheel and all that. This situation and similar are so common on MN. I've tended to keep people at a distance and not have friendship groups due to bitchiness and politics, I have a few random friends who I'm closer to instead so 1:1 only. Possibly not healthy but groups of women can be tricky, less so men for some reason.

Original poster
Kitonian · 14/01/2016 23:10

Can't believe tbh that Milk thinks that it acceptable for A to tell me to fuck off and be so nasty even if I had have handled things badly. Normal parents don't go around reacting like that to kids having a falling out at school.

OP posts:
Pedestriana · 14/01/2016 23:11

What a trio of shitbags! You're well rid.

Original poster
Kitonian · 14/01/2016 23:12

Pasta, groups often end badly for one or other group members don't they. Most of my other friends are on a 1 to 1 basis as I'm not normally brilliant in groups. I did think that this group were decent, mature individuals but clearly not.

OP posts:
CFSsucks · 14/01/2016 23:13

No you didn't handle it badly, you did the adult thing. A acted like a total twat. She is going to look really stupid when the girls become friends again, as they inevitably will.

I would never engage with A again though for the things she has said and how she has acted. I can hold a grudge though and I don't forget! B and C would go way down in my estimation too.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/01/2016 23:13

They are no friends of yours, friends don't treat each other like that. I woukd distance myself from the log of them.

Original poster
Kitonian · 14/01/2016 23:14

The girls already are friends again; the fall out only lasted a few days and they've been friends again ever since.

Definitely won't be engaging with A ever again, she's shown her true colours and that she's a nasty bitch.

OP posts:
updownnconfused · 14/01/2016 23:14

Seems really petty, falling out with you over that. I can see why you're confused about it. Just leave it now though, they sound mean and have displayed a lack of empathy posting the lunch outing on Facebook.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/01/2016 23:14

Hmm. That does sound difficult to work with.

I suppose I was just thinking along the lines of three people seemed to agree with each other and disagree with you, and maybe if you could work out what exactly it was it would help.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2016 23:15

God, life is way too short. Get shot of these people. They are not real friends. Just hide/unfollow/block/delete them out of your life completely. Go cold turkey.

knobblyknee · 14/01/2016 23:16

Purplehonesty Thats just awful Flowers

Original poster
Kitonian · 14/01/2016 23:17

LOL expat, that's what I have/plan on doing. They can shove their group lunches up their arses!

Milk, as I have said, B and C haven't heard my version of events so there is nothing to disagree with!

OP posts:
hollieberrie · 14/01/2016 23:17

This happened to me a year ago and it was so upsetting. I still cry about it sometimes! I handled it by saying a big fuck you to those so called friends and totally eliminating them all from my life.

Tbh I'm not sure it was the best course of action - added a lot of stress - but I was so hurt I just couldn't have managed to keep cool and calm about it. With time the hurt has faded a bit, & I've got other lovely friends so that helps.

Sorry you're going through it. Just be true to yourself and handle it in the way you feel is right for you. Either friendly but cool and distant or tell them to get fucked Grin

5Foot5 · 14/01/2016 23:17

Honestly they all sound about eight. Time to get some new friends.

Original poster
Kitonian · 14/01/2016 23:18

Oh I have other friends too.

Just hate unfairness and injustice and feel frustrated and disappointed by it all.

OP posts:
Herrerarerra · 14/01/2016 23:19

A is a really nasty piece of work from what you say!
Honestly, I think you're well rid of them. It's a horrible situation though and YANBU to feel upset.
Do you run into them at school? If so, how are they with you?

AdrianlovesPandora · 14/01/2016 23:19

I'm the same I don't get involved with the school mums groups ! I dot about having the occasional one on ones and hear about the fall outs. If a person gossips about someone I know to avoid that person from then on as if they do it about you they will do it to you.

Her texts were very aggressive I wonder if B and C are intimidated by her ?

Pico2 · 14/01/2016 23:21

Do B & C know that she told you to fuck off?

Original poster
Kitonian · 14/01/2016 23:22

I run into all of them at school. I totally blank A, she tries to stare me out but I just stare back.

B and C are nice enough when they see me but also quite cool.

OP posts:
hollieberrie · 14/01/2016 23:23

Yes, is A a queen bee type? That might explain things. They are too weak minded to see there's another side to her story?

gandalf456 · 14/01/2016 23:23

Send b and c her abusive text and say that's the sort of woman they prefer to lunch with and good luck!

What will happen when b and cs kids have a row? Same.probably then you can say I told you so.

PastaLaFeasta · 14/01/2016 23:28

1:1 is much safer, I've fallen out with a friend recently - a miss understanding with a third person involved which complicated communication I guess, no ones fault as such and I'm kind of ok with it ending anyway. It's great that it has had no impact on any other part of my life or any other relationship. I've been like this since the end of school, more than half my life sadly. Bad experiences with bitching and people suddenly being weird with me.

Just keep busy with other friends and doing things you want to do instead. Most friendships only last as long as it's easy and aren't meant to last.

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/01/2016 23:33

Not a lot you can do, Kitonian. Just walk away ... but take heart from the likelihood that their threesome will probably not last long and will certainly not be comfortable. Grin

'A' sounds like a 'divide and conquer' type. Very quickly she will start favouring one over the other.

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