To be upset at how these friends have behaved?

[Kitonian]

I have been friends with 3 other mums from my DD's school for several years. I will call them A, B and C. We have, for the past couple of years met for lunch once a month and also occasionally gone out for meals/drinks in the evening.

A is quite a negative person and seems to see the worst in people and has had a lot of fallings out in the past with others. Two months ago our DDs had a bit of a falling out at school. It only lasted a week, at the most (they are 8) and then they were friends again.

During this time, friend A:

Deleted me from an ongoing Facebook chat that the 4 of us had to keep in touch with each other.

Deleted and blocked me on Facebook.

Sent me a text saying she was not willing to spend anymore time with me or speak to me again due to the girls falling out, and that I was not welcome at our next planned lunch for the following week.

I replied to her and said that it was a shame that she wanted to fall out over the girls having a spat, but said I would be willing for us to meet with the girls if she wanted to try to sort things out between them. She replied again saying that I was deluded and to fuck off and that she was blocking my number on her phone.

I was upset but decided she couldn't have been much of a friend, but wanted to still be friends with B and C. I sent a text to both of them saying that A was upset with me over a falling out our girls had and had told me she would never speak to me again and wasn't welcome at lunch, but that I would like to keep in touch with both of them and perhaps the 3 of us could have lunch at some point to catch up.

Both sent me texts in reply along the vein of they don't want to get involved and that A was very upset etc. Neither of them said that they would like to meet up with me again. It was just kind of accepted as a given that I had been turfed out of the group. I presumed that they wouldn't go to lunch with A either, but no, the lunch the next week that I was uninvited to still went ahead, as they posted on FB about it on the day!

AIBU to not particularly give a shit about A given her behaviour, but to be very disappointed with B and C? I didn't expect them to get involved, just wanted to try to keep in touch with them and to let them know what had happened. If they see me at school they are both nice and polite with me but quite cool, it's clear their loyalties lie with A. I guess I just thought they would see it more objectively and also I thought they liked me and valued me as a friend but they clearly didn't if they are just willing to drop me on another person's say so?

Whore - that's the daftest thing I ever heard! Way to dismiss a whole group of people based on...well, nothing.

I've made some really nice school mum friends.

Kit ... A sounds awful and you are well rid. However, I would gie B & C one chance. A bright and breezy "would you like to meet for a coffee?" type thing.

If they backtrack, mumble and say "no" you know where you stand. They are pathetic. However, if they say "yes" I wouldn't dwell on A's behaviour when you meet, but I would just say that she has behaved appallingly over a minor spat between your DDs and leave it at that.

However, it's doubtful they will say "yes" unfortunately. They are probably afraid of the same treatment and are weak. and not worth knowing

YANBU - what stupid people. You are well rid. I know it's hard but try not to care at all. It's them NOT you and you don't care about the opinions of nasty stupid people do you?

Hide their threads on the dreaded Facebook and enjoy your other friends. I've found as you get older you get better at making nice friends. I guess it just experience.

Urgh. This is the worst type of 'mum' behaviour...they're as bad as the children but don't have the excuse of age and inexperience.

I'm stubborn, I'd send a message to B and C saying 'I'm surprised we seem to have fallen out over a spat between the children. Obviously schoolyard problems are upsetting for all parents involved but we are all adults and I'd like to get our friendship back on track'. I'd leave it at that though and if they didn't respond I'd consider it their loss.

I think you should suggest a meet up with B and C- in your op you said ' shall we meet sometime'

How about 'coffee on Thursday'

I think it was unreasonable to expect them to boycott the already arranged lunch on your behalf. If they still want to be friendly, give them a chance. Depends how much you value their friendship really.

Milk, as I have said, B and C haven't heard my version of events so there is nothing to disagree with! Doesn't matter op...A got her version in first by the sounds of it, embellished & all, I expect. They have decided that you are the baddie.

Delete & get on with your life. Real friends don't fall out over their kids.

Case in point, my 7yr & friend 7 yr old are best buddies one minute, complete rivals the next. We vowed not to let it affect our friendship & it doesn't!

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here. Not in terms of the way you've been treated, that's horrible. However, if you've been friends with these women for years then you surely had some idea of what A was like. People don't suddenly turn from good friends into bitches who tell people to fuck off out of nowhere. Even if you've never seen it first hand, there is surely some history of A reacting strongly to things/people and becoming very upset over things which have been blown out of all proportion.

Often if you're in a group of people then there is sometimes one who is a bit more bitchy/needy/makes things all about her, but people just laugh it off on the basis that "that's just what A is like," and give it no more thought because they're not on the receiving end. We're not talking about a friend of a few months here but years. I don't believe you had no idea that A was capable of this, but that perhaps you never thought you would become a victim of it as you were friends.

I would speak to B and C, by giving into A's text that you weren't welcome at the lunch it looks as if you are admitting your perceived wrong in the situation.

The lot of them are a waste of space.

A is a nasty piece of work and the other two are happy to follow in her shadow, it's pathetic and needy.

Move on from this OP and delete them from FB to stop any further hurt feelings on your part.

Early on in my parenting "career" I met a mum who told me that she didn't do the mum-playground-friendship thing because the only thing she had in common with the other mums was that their children were the same age at the same school and that this alone was not enough to form the basis of a friendship. It was a refreshing thought and one I then copied. It was good advice.

How bizarre....

Meanwhile, in the normal world....

pictish - I bet you've even managed not to fall out with them ever, either.

I think that they have treated you badly.

For some reason though they don't want to be a new friendship of three.

Was A their friend before you?

Grey the OP stated in the first post she invited B and C to lunch seperatley

Are you sure it was 'just a spat' between the girls? It sounds like the other mum has taken it very very seriously and like you both have different views of what the problem was. Maybe she thinks her daughter was bullied by yours, or some chinese whispers have turned into 'your mum said you are horrible' or something. There has got to be some big misunderstanding at the heart of this. You don't go from being good friends to being an utter bitch at the drop of a hat.

I think you've got problems ahead. If the girls are all friends in school what happens when there are birthdays? Does your DD not get invited? They could extend it to that. I hope not but A sounds like she could.

I also don't get the "don't be friends with the parents of kids at school as the kids are all you have in common" idea.

I don't go looking for friends but you pass the time sometimes chatting and being pleasant and sometimes a friendship evolves naturally over time. I agree don't get too involved too quickly and I have seen fallings out but it's like saying don't make friends with the other mothers at any toddler group. Being a mother can be isolating enough without that advice. You don't have to overshare but helping out with lifts sometimes or taking someone's kid to school one morning as the parent is ill is normal, surely.

Do you tell your kids not to make friends with the kids at school as all they have in common is they were born in the same year and are in the same classroom?! haha

Exactly, annie.

Ji just need to point out that you have not been Wendied. This is not Wendying.

Wendying is when A introduces B to C and then B &C exclude A. B is Wendy.

I used to get Wendoedbut now I am trying a bii of Wendying myself. Quite enjoying it actually.

What has happened to the OP is unpleasant but not Wendying. So what can we call it? Being A'd?

A sounds awful by the way, I couldn't get past that blocking and being told to fuck off.

Early on in my parenting "career" I met a mum who told me that she didn't do the mum-playground-friendship thing because the only thing she had in common with the other mums was that their children were the same age at the same school and that this alone was not enough to form the basis of a friendship. It was a refreshing thought and one I then copied. It was good advice.

I've heard this too and would say that it's correct in many cases. I have met friends via school, university, jobs and hobbies. Not one of my current friends is a school mum (and I didn't stay in touch with my NCT group because they were all too rich and we weren't wealthy enough to fit in - that was probably unfortunate as I'm sure other NCT groups locally had a better social mix). Yes something like work is also by chance, but you have more in common, probably similar educational background, maybe interest in the same sort of work etc. And I don't think people you meet in other contexts are as judgey, so it's easier to build a friendship.

"Early on in my parenting "career" I met a mum who told me that she didn't do the mum-playground-friendship thing because the only thing she had in common with the other mums was that their children were the same age at the same school and that this alone was not enough to form the basis of a friendship. It was a refreshing thought and one I then copied. It was good advice." while this sounds very simplistic I agree that there is some validity in this choice. Generally we make friends with the parents of our dc's friends when they're in primary school, and although meaningful friendships do form, the basis for those friendships is generally the fact that we have children in common who are also friends. What then happens is that when those children leave primary and go on to secondary school, so the friendships disappear as well because the children A, rarely stay such close friends when thrown into secondary, and B, they are making their own way to school and therefore the chance encounters of your friends in the playground no longer exists. IMO especially for women who are SAHMs the transition from primary to secondary can come as a shock because suddenly your social circle disappears as well if you've been used to chatting in the playground, popping to a friend's for coffee on the way home from the school run and then reality hits that that time in your life has passed and you no longer have the friendship group you had before the kids broke up for the holidays.

And once they go to secondary you no longer have anything to do with the parents because the kids are old enough to socialise without you.

Say for example though A thought that OPs daughter was bullying hers & hence no to the meet up between the girls, you still don't tell someone that they are deluded & to fuck off, do you?

I always found children complicated friendships. The above woman is an extreme version but it does feel vaguely familiar. I have also met a fair few bonkers people through having children. I just think the environment doesn't suit everyone. I've met people I like and are ok but not lifelong friends. I am actually looking forward to the children becoming more independent with their friendships so I can meet people in my own right and not because they're dc's friend. I find the whole thing stifling. With Dd, I was quite gung ho about meeting people and it didn't pay off and with ds I've stood back and I am roughly in the same position

Op, these friends do not sound like good friends at all, if they are not prepared to use their common sense and intelligence and think for themselves, on the basis of what somebody has said. Yes you can ask them for coffee individually and have a chat, but this would be a dealbreaker, it would not be the same again.

wannabe I agree and have seen both sides. When ds1 started school I was chatty with the other mums, although didn't actively seek out closer friendships with any of them. Lots of them did form friendship groups, went for coffee together, had dinner parties etc and there were some pretty spectacular fallings out over the years, which served to remind me that I'd done the right thing staying a friendly acquaintance rather than a 'friend' to the majority of them. I don't do FB, but I was told a few of the things that were posted and they were vicious.

I had dd when my boys were older and have followed the same pattern re playground friendships. There are a few mums I chat to in the morning and one or two I've met up with for the dds to play during the holidays, but that's it. I am always happy to chat, but equally happy to stand on my own or just drop/grab and run without waiting around. Having been going up and down to that school for over ten years now I know a lot of other mums, but I wouldn't really say any of them are my 'friends'.

I now have two boys at secondary - one an hour's drive away and the other just up the road and obviously don't see any of the parents of their friends anymore, simply because they no longer wait in the primary school playground.

I have occasional contact with one or two of their mums, as our dcs attend the same outside school clubs and some of them were so upset at their dcs starting secondary, not because of their dcs growing up and moving on, but because of the massive change it caused in their own social lives. It suddenly hit them that the people they'd considered friends for many years throughout primary weren't actually friends at all.

I'm sure people can and do make good friends with other parents they've met in the school playground at drop-off/pick-up, but I suspect true friendships that start in this way are probably in the minority.

So, I would also have to say that I don't do the mum-playground-friendship thing either. I don't think that's strange, I am friendly with other mums/parents but I wouldn't describe my relationship with them as friendship.

The other mum sounds awful. I too am surprised that grown women behave this way, it's like they get a kick out of it

If you want to try and salvage something from the other two, I'd invite them out individually (so they're not in the 'pack' mindset) for a coffee and try and explain what happened and that you don't want to lose their friendship.

If they are horrible about that, they they weren't worth being friends with anyway. At least you'll know.

You sounds nice and like a sensible grown up. A sounds a bit batshit with her "fuck off you're deluded" text!

I'd be interested to know the nature of the spat because if, for example, your dd was accused of bulllying, then I can understand A's reaction.

However, assuming it was just a spat and the 8 year olds are over it, then yes, well, A is for Arsehole, right?

18 months ago I was in similar shoes, Kitonian. I accidentally left friend D off an invite, as I had copied her new email address wrongly. In the space of 12 hours I had become Enemy Number One. No amount of apologies and explanations would do, D was determined I deliberately frozen her out. Of which I have no history of doing, but funnily enough, it later occured to me, she does.....

Friends E, F and then G began to cool off and I was surprised not to be involved in organising something that was my idea in the first place, and that I wasn't invited to something to do with a joint hobby of mine, E and F's. And so it went on. It was hurtful and I made an attempt at talking individually to E, F and G to see if I'd offended them. Not much came of this, really.

Then E "upset" D, and (long story short) was frozen out. Then F......do you see a pattern?

I can't say the friendships with E, F and G have fully recovered but we all steer well clear of D and basically are aware she will lie and gossip and exaggerate about us (as she did about me, to E, F and G when I "actively and purposefully shoved [her] out of the gang" as she put it) and anyone else who upsets her.

D is a deluded bitch.

So I predict that sooner or later B and C will be on the receiving end of A's wrath, and hopefully will be smart enough to see what's going on around them and make it up to you.

Meanwhile, there's little you can do, other than what you are doing, which is fine. Don't let it deter you from making friends - sometimes people take a while to show their friends what useless friends they themselves are. You are better off without A.