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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this a little bit strange

146 replies

Chamonix1 · 14/01/2016 13:18

My mil adores 3 year old dd, she's her only granddaughter and dd is lucky to have her, however I have found myself a bit confused about my mil's decision to go onto my Facebook (we are not friends on there as I wasn't aware she used it!) and save every single photo of dd, and me and dp.
I would understand if this had been because these photos had popped up in her news feed and she thought "oh what a lovely photo I'll save that" however when showing me some recent photos of dd she flicked through maybe 30 photos of dd, me and dp, and even dd with her godfather (dps best friend) basically she has saved every profile photo I have (they were the only ones people who aren't friends with me on there can see) saved every single one and not even added me.
Again,this would be understandable if she never saw dd, but she takes her at least once a week because she wants to see her and we all see them regularly. Why would you want photos of someone else's memory, and why an earth would you search someone out on Facebook. Save all their photos and not bother adding them.
She flicked through and dh said "where doped you get these from mum" to which she replied, "that was in dgd's godfathers page" pointing to the 1 photo of dd and her godfather, I couldn't help but find the other 20+ photos a little odd, I've at least learnt something from thus and have changed my privacy settings!
Maybe I am yet to understand and when I'm a grandma I'll do stuff like this, I just can't imagine doing it myself, unless it's a memory I've shared with someone, a special moment to look back on I don't get why I'd want the photo, I can't see myself hunting them out anyway.
I'm being unreasonable, aren't i?

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/01/2016 02:59

We're all odd in our own ways OP. And there are much worse ways to be odd than to save all the family photos you can get your hands on.

aurynne · 15/01/2016 03:47

I must be very weird, but honestly, when people publish photos online in order for other people to see them, and the option to download and save them has been there from the very beginning... why exactly is it "odd" that people see them, like them and save them to print or see later? What was the initial intention of the person who posted them if not let people see them? What is the difference between seeing these photos on someone's FB profile and seeing them at any other time on their computer, or printed on photo paper? What strange social rule has been broken here?

I normally do not save photos off FB simply because I don't find them interesting enough to save. But when friend publishes a photo of me, or one of themselves that I particularly like, I do save them to keep them, and "asking for permission" would not even feature in my mind. Considering she has published them and made them available for sharing, hasn't she implicitly given permission for people to save them?

nooka · 15/01/2016 05:19

Going against the grain here, but I'd find it weird and intrusive if members of my family (IL or not) were that obsessive about my children. We all take photos of each other when we are together, and if one of us took a really nice picture of course we'd share. But making sure you have a copy of every single photo that has been taken of your granddaughter? That's beyond doting in my book and into very odd indeed.

I'd also feel really strange having my entire life documented in such detail if I was the granddaughter growing up.

theycallmemellojello · 15/01/2016 05:30

Why not as mil to edit some of your photos and send them you? I'm getting the feeling this is all about anxiety about mil's affection for dd. I think you'll feel better if you try and make peace with her.

Original poster

Chamonix1 · 15/01/2016 07:46

It's really just that I feel it's a step to far, I may have put them on facebook, yes but I wouldn't of if I'd known people think that makes them fair game to save and keep, with out asking especially.
If my mum, sister, auntie, whatever did this with out saying they were doing so, then avoided the subject when I saw the photos I'd feel uncomfortable.
My mil oversteps many boundaries on a regular basis, maybe that's why this has got my back up? But as I said I would find it odd if my own mother did this with every single photo on my Facebook.
1 or 2 she loved, fair enough, my whole profile picture album? Just seems excessive but I can see from this thread it's mainly me and a handful that find it odd, I've taken it odd board, and that's fine, I'm cool with being the odd one out.

OP posts:

FairiesAreReal · 15/01/2016 09:34

she has refused to give her back before, so maybe she would apply for custody if she thought she would get it.

What? She has refused to give her back to you? Tell us more!! (this could be the difference between us thinking she is a creepy stalker not a doting granny)

Starbores · 15/01/2016 11:39

I was going to ask if she has boundary issues as on its on it own it doesn't seem so bad although it would piss me off.

I think people are missing the point, it's not about her having the photos but the way she's obtaining them is sneaky and I think underminds you in a way.

She should ask you if you mind her printing them out or at least add you as a friend so you know she has access to the photos your posting.

Original poster

Chamonix1 · 15/01/2016 12:18

She had her for a day one weekend, after she hadn't seen her in a few months due to them going on holiday, when we rang to ask what time she was being dropped off/picked up, mil got very upset demanding she had her overnight as she had asked before and we said no, that she was her nana after all and she should be able to have her overnight, we said no, that we hadn't packed for overnight and we were trying to get her into a routine, she hung up and got upset, when we called back her dh (grandpa) basically said look your mums really upset she just wants her dgd overnight what's the big deal, just let her as it's easier than her crying and getting upset. Basically we backed down to keep her quiet, she didn't hold the baby hostage or anything. Although she could've just let her pick her up and taken her the following weekend (we offered, wasn't enough)
And yes, the issue is the sneakiness of it, and the excessiveness too.
She does love dd though, an awful lot, which is nice, just is a bit over the top sometimes.

OP posts:

BIWI · 15/01/2016 12:58

Chamonix - that is a bit worrying, actually. And I'd be concerned about that too. Not that I think she might abduct your DD, but because it's a bit of an unhealthy way to behave that also doesn't respect you/your boundaries.

GarlicBake · 15/01/2016 13:03

Thanks for that Chamonix, it does explain more about why the photo business makes you uneasy. Sounds like she borders on the line between doting and obsessed.

I still think you've done the right thing re photos/FB, but now understand why you felt edgy. Let's hope she turns it down a bit over the years.

Original poster

Chamonix1 · 15/01/2016 13:03

Yeah, we do have some boundary issues with her but it's usually just over eagerness. Can't blame her for being very eager really. Just prefer she was open about it.

OP posts:

FairiesAreReal · 15/01/2016 13:07

Hmm, after reading that, she does sound a little weeny bit mad
I don't think crying because your DGD is going home is a normal reaction, is it? Does she have any other interests in her life, other than your DD?
I think she needs a hobby

GarlicBake · 15/01/2016 13:08

I wonder if she withheld her kids from their grandmother, with or without good reason?? Could go some way to explain why she's a little underhand with you.

GarlicBake · 15/01/2016 13:08

I think she needs a hobby

Original poster

Chamonix1 · 15/01/2016 13:11

MMm, she did a bit she moved to the other side of the country to "get away" from both her family and her husbands, she sees very littl of both side of the family. They live very different lives I guess.
When we mentioned moving she told us we can move where we want we will never get rid of her, which is true we won't But she may of been having a joke.
She has a lovely son, but is a little bit needy with him too. I just think she adores her family on a whole new level.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 15/01/2016 14:54

She sounds needy. Kinda bratty but with underlying issues like DD is the only thing in her life and she has got too caught up in it. Is be careful giving into her too much as it maybe become second nature getting her way. It's sad because it comes from a good place but very over the top (and a little scary)

Original poster

Chamonix1 · 15/01/2016 15:06

Yes, it does come from a good place she just adores dd. she's not so nice to dh anymore, he doesn't live up to expectations and can't keep up with her neediness basically but dd can do no wrong I think. She's used to having her way, it's always just been the three of them (her, her dh and her son) and now her son has a baby and a life and I think she struggles with that, which is understandable really. She's got her hobbie now, it's dd! At least I'll always have a babysitter

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 15/01/2016 15:09

Get her a knitting book, needles and wool or something she can make "for DD" but hope it becomes a new obsession and eases off dd lol

MiddleClassProblem · 15/01/2016 15:10

I wish we had a baby sitter

BeanGirls · 15/01/2016 18:59

Yabu of course it isn't strange. My mil has taken photos off of my page over the years to make calanders and such.

catgirl1976 · 15/01/2016 19:04

Not weird at all.

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