To be Seriously Dreading This??! (Long wedding one!)

[Eeeek686]

Name changed as pretty identifying but really want opinions on this as not sure how much my opinion is clouding facts (as usual!).

DPs brother is getting married in august this year, DP is Best Man and we have all been invited - me, DD(3) & DS(1) & DP, obviously - to the Happy Event with a lovely lodge laid on for us, to be shared with DPs DSis and her partner who we get on well with (although they don't have kids so obviously have a slightly different perspective on life!).... The wedding is quite small, around 50 people, and DPs family (he has two brothers and a sister), especially MiL and FiL, are all v.excited at the lovely family time to come (first wedding in the family, DD & DS are only grandchildren), they all love the kids, & seem to quite like me too.... :)
So far so good.

Now the tricky bits...
Fistly, The wedding is in a place that is quite far away - as in, in the UK but (for us) either At Least a 14+ hour drive (not including stops) with a 1.5hr ferry, or a 2hr flight with car hire at airport followed by 4hr drive (we live 20 mins from local airport our end, so prob a £20 taxi). My objection to this is the horrendous (either way!) travelling time & hassle with 2 tiny ones, plus the cost is prohibitive for us - will cost about £475 for flights alone (we are swinging toward flying), plus car hire and fuel, extra baggage, etc.

Secondly, the wedding is taking place over 3 days; noone is quite sure what's happening over the three days yet but accommodation has been booked for everyone for the duration... general consensus is a lot of it is probably just about making sure everyone is there and relaxed for the Big Day due to the fairly isolated location, and ditto, that there must be stuff laid on but noone knows for sure! My objection to this is I will be pretty much solely in charge of the littlies the whole time as DP has a habit of reverting into "childhood family" mode when with his family, ie just ends up chatting shit with his siblings and playing around, and enjoying getting fussed over by MiL (he was her pfb and clearly still is)... Also, as Best Man he will have lots of duties as well, won't he?? He says this won't happen but he said that at Christmas and (even when clearly Not a Best Man) the same still happened... I can chivvy him but will basically spend 3 days feeling alternately stressed and irritated... MiL is often (too!) keen to help but again, I feel she will be distracted being Mother of the Groom, plus they have invited friends of theirs to the wedding so will be otherwise distracted! The whole 3 day thing for us all will also ramp up the cost, IMO.

Thirdly, although I am pretty good at hiding this I suffer from occasional anxiety and ocd which has got worse since having the kids.... This isn't helped when with inlaws by MiL being a typical Matriarch and always trying to "coordinate" & "guide" the kids, us, and often both.... so am feeling a mild sense of dread at the whole prospect! This could probably be quashed in the absence of first and second issues but combined.... :O

So's not to drip feed: money worries are definitely an Issue with us at the mo as We've recently lost some income (not much but enough to cause is to have to tighten purse strings) so this seems an obvious cost-cutting area (have hardly any savings between us, what we have we are going l saving towards starting our own business next year); DP is also going on the stag do, which is a long weekend in Portugal!!! See above... We couldn't go for longer and try make a holiday of it (even if we could afford it) as DPs job is v.season related and is going to be hard enough taking 3 days off in august as it is!

OK, my Aibu - to tell DP to go on his own, obviously!!

Just to echo what pp's have said, I don't think you can really not attend the wedding. Have a conversation with your DP beforehand and insist he needs to pull his weight with the kids while you're away, except maybe on the day of the wedding itself. Then if he gets arsey at the time, you can point out what the two of you agreed in advance.

I can see why you are concerned about money however and YANBU about that. I would suggest that if your DP wants to go abroad for the stag do, he needs to find the money for it himself by doing overtime at work/selling some of his stuff on eBay etc so that it doesn't come out of family money. Or he can ditch it. If you have limited funds then the wedding is the priority.

What has your DP actually said about paying for all this? It seems like you are the one worrying how you are going to manage. It's his brothers wedding and stag so if he wants to go to both then he should be the one who sorts out the travel arrangements and the money to pay for it all.

You said up thread that he may get a bonus and he would pay for the stag with that. Are you sure he isn't going to ask you to spend your savings on the wedding?

He sounds like he is burying his head in the sand in the hope that you will sort everything out for him, travel, money, kids.

You need to put your foot down and tell him it's his problem to sort. Tell him you will help him with the arrangements but won't be doing everything yourself. If money needs to be borrowed then that's up to him to arrange.

I also think that a code word suggested by a PP is a great idea to remind him that he needs to help with the kids.

Good luck

Is driving up to Wales and doing a boat to Dublin (from Holyhead) or Rosslare (from Pembroke) any good?

Easy - ditch stag do you all go to wedding.

Above posters idea is a good one. We home exchange, friends let their houses out when they go on holiday, Very common now, look at air Bnb. You could recoup most of your travel costs doing this.

Haven't read the whole thread but why do you need extra luggage? You're only going for 3 days? I appreciate you need wedding clothes, but I would put those in a suit carrier and have those as one person's hand luggage.

Then you have 2 "hand luggage" allowances if you're paying for 3 tickets - more than enough for clothes for 2 v small children and 2 adults for 3 days. We (as a family of 5) have just been skiing for a week and only took 1 suitcase plus hand luggage size suitcases x 5.

I'm just trying to cut corners for you to bring the cost down.

I agree that it would BU not to go. I think you have to find a way of financing it. I don;t think the children / hassle / travel factor come into it really - you make that work for the sake of the extended family, but I understand your issues with finances. I think if there is anyway to fund it, you should go as a family.

I would give him the choice. He sacks off the stag do you can all go to the wedding or goes to both alone. Or he can find the money and if he can't then the choices are still there.

I really wouldn't stew over it any longer.. Give it to him to sort out.

Is there somewhere cheaper you could fly to in Ireland, but with a longer drive?

I actually think you are coming up with every possible reason not to go, because you don't really want to.

Which is understandable, but - YABVU.

OP has said her DP won't want to give up the stag, he wants to go.

OP discuss the details minutely with your DP. Tell him the money situation that it's either the stag and he attends the wedding alone or he skips the stag do.
Also won't DP skipping the stag do upset his brother?

Tell DP he will be taking care of kids bath bed time whatever so he's not allowed to be hammered.

I think it's ridiculous to suggest op drive all night with two toddlers, has anyone gone on long car journeys with two toddlers? Mine would have been crying and being car sick, and mithering they wouldn't be happy to be cooped up in a car for an all night/day journey.

Also op you've missed out cost of outfits, and gifts. Even if accommodation is self catering it still costs money and effort to buy food and then cook it, which increases cost. More importantly won't the family want to be going out and eating and all that?

I wouldn't go if you haven't got a decent budget, how will you cope if you've gone over your expected budget (which I reckon you will).

Tell the family you can't afford it, that way if they help out and you do go they won't expect you to join in expensive restaurant meals etc, which I'd imagine will happen.

Plus, you're exaggerating about the 4 hour drive in NI if you fly, have you seen what size NI is? You could go from one side to another in 90mins-2hrs, and the airport is in the middle!

You don't want to go because of your own reasons, so you're putting obstacles in your own way.

How would DP travel if you and DC don't go?

If he'd fly - you're maybe saving £350 by three of you not going (fixed costs except flights).

If he'd drive - maybe £50 saving (ferry)

£350 is a lot of money - but considerably less that £500-600 for a long weekend (I agree that if you can't afford to go, as a whole family, to the wedding, your DP can't afford the stag do).

If he'd get a lift with his parents (you mention a convoy, so must live nearby) - could you hire a big car, and travel together? More people to amuse the DC, more of an adventure for DC, 4 adults to run around with and exhaust your DC when you have a brief stop,...

You and DP need to cost everything, look at all the options, and work out together what you can afford - if necessary asking the bride and groom for input into what is more important to them.

I think you need to all go to the wedding, and you make sure dp pulls his weight.
The only serious issue I see here is money, so in order for all of you to go to the wedding, your dp doesn't go to the stag do.
Bil is U IMO for having both a wedding and stag do abroad! Assuming he lives in the uk and/or most people would be travelling from the UK.

Oh and your dp is U for prioritising the stag do.

If you travel with in-laws in a big car, they could drop you at the airport on the way back, and you could fly home - halves the cost, and you only have one mammoth journey to cope with.

(If in-laws know you're short of money, they may well offer to hire the car, and put fuel in it, but you'd obviously need to discuss with them.)

Go on the travel boards, give details of home, destination, and dates, and MNers will come up with some good suggestions to save time and/ or money.

Are you self catering? If so, food costs shouldn't be different to being at home.

I don't think you should use savings you had before meeting DP to fund this wedding, unless the plan is to immediately start replacing it.

It's all very well to say he will not miss the stag do. Ask him how HE expects to pay for it.

Do you think your money worries are likely to be temporary or long term? If the former I would as the PILs if they could lend you some money, or (maybe) borrow from your savings with a strict repayment plan. I think you need to go if it is at all possible.

I would not touch my savings for this. No way.

*Today 10:52 SkodaLabia

Is driving up to Wales and doing a boat to Dublin (from Holyhead) or Rosslare (from Pembroke) any good?*

That's over 12 hours drive, and 645 miles!

Assuming you both drive and could take the time off then I would do that. It will be massively less stressful to be able to load up the car with bedding, clothing [for a variable climate] and food. Just being able to take pre-made food frozen for your DC in a cool bag will make your life massively easier on arrival. The same goes for formula and nappies which take up a lot of space for flights, or require you to go shopping at the other end which no doubt you will be lumbered with.

Alternatively, start a list to give your MIL for Tesco.com to be delivered to the venue.

Plus ferries are usually a bit more flexible than flights ie. you can miss a boat and catch the next one which is dead handy when travelling with small children. If you do travel in convoy there's a few more adults around to go and find some food while you take the kids to the loo etc.

I'd look at sailing times from Wales and Holyhead as the latter has more sailings so more likely to have special deals.

I'm also of the opinion that you need to suck it up but the starting point should be the wedding and the presumption that the family holiday budget will be used for that. Your DH will need to find the extra cash for the stag.

I'm sure DP and his brother want him to go on the stag. They probably haven't considered that money doesn't grow on trees and what the implications will be to their mum that OP and grand kids (and possibly golden boy DP) didn't go to the actually fucking wedding, or what relations with future SIL will be that DP would rather go to a piss up than her wedding.

Trust me, this is the sort of thing that will never be forgotten just because they decided to behave like a bunch of kids.

He needs to grow up, fast.

It would affect your relationship with the in-laws if you drop out now. It is going to be tough but short of trying to get the best deals I guess you have to take it on the chin.

Or, DP or both of you convey to his parents that it is going to hit you hard in the pocket. If they could possibly lend you something you would pay it back over a set time. (Knowing that any "I know best" tendency from MIL will probably go into over-drive thereafter).

Do not touch your savings.

At the back of your mind you might be reflecting that all this fuss and expense, (and DP willing to take time off during his most profitable month) might have been over you and DP had he proposed a while back. Maybe you felt a little pang when this DB got engaged and the wedding plans kicked off. Maybe you wonder if the rest of the clan would take as much trouble attending your Big Day.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to have reflected on all that but now you have to face up to this wedding in 7 months' time.

As for DP tending to focus on his family and regress to Pre You days at reunions - remind him he has created a new family with you and Best Man duties don't get him off the hook when it comes to Daddy duties.

Yes Marry, I should have google mapped it!

I've done the Liverpool boat in the past to avoid flights, but it's really expensive.

What about driving to Luton or Stansted (takes us about 6 hours from St Ives to nearby) and getting cheaper flights from there? Def get PIL to take anything that doesn't fit in cabin baggage allowance.

Or, is this a possibility? DP to drive woven in PIl's car and be there for whole time. You to fly over from Newquay just for the wedding and would your family have children. That way you're making the effort but costs aren't quite so horrific. DP could go on parents car insurance and pick you up. I think you have to go but I also think your DP needs to be honest with his brother about the financial problem of finding so much money to attend their wedding.

That's over 12 hours drive, and 645 miles

According to google it's 7hrs drive and 411 miles from Newquay to Holyhead [which admittedly the OP hasn't confirmed is her general location.

Its 4hr45/283 miles mins to Pembroke but that's a longer crossing with less options. Further to drive at the other side but it depends on the final destination. Frankly if its the wilds of Donegal, the OP would probably be faster getting the train to London, Easyjet to Derry and hop across the border. My friends parents live there and they say it's faster to fly to London than drive to Dublin.

Granted it's a bit of a sod but I have done 9-11 drives to southern France before with v small kids. The key thing is the keep stuff only in the boot and out of the car so you can climb in the back and read some stories, sing stupid songs and possession of an ipad for an older child.

If you plan it so that you can get a 3 hours of decent driving in before a break for lunch and keep to their normal times rather than push on through it can work quite well.

One option is to pack the car in the morning, eat an early lunch and stick the kids in the car right when they would normally be getting ready to nap. You could be 200 miles down the road before they wake. Stop for a quick run around [you'll need petrol anyway], back in the car for afternoon entertainment for no more than 2 hours, then stop for tea/picnic at services, put them into PJ's and get to Holyhead on time for the last overnight crossing and to book a sleeper cabin. Find somewhere in Dublin for some v early breakfast and then crack on for the morning.

I will completely admit that sort of trip is more bearable when you are looking at a 2 week holiday though.

OP do you have family anywhere en route ? ie would you be prepared to drive, leaving a few days/week earlier while your DH catches you up in Dublin for example?

Agree 100%, Wolpertinger