To be Seriously Dreading This??! (Long wedding one!)

[Eeeek686]

Name changed as pretty identifying but really want opinions on this as not sure how much my opinion is clouding facts (as usual!).

DPs brother is getting married in august this year, DP is Best Man and we have all been invited - me, DD(3) & DS(1) & DP, obviously - to the Happy Event with a lovely lodge laid on for us, to be shared with DPs DSis and her partner who we get on well with (although they don't have kids so obviously have a slightly different perspective on life!).... The wedding is quite small, around 50 people, and DPs family (he has two brothers and a sister), especially MiL and FiL, are all v.excited at the lovely family time to come (first wedding in the family, DD & DS are only grandchildren), they all love the kids, & seem to quite like me too.... :)
So far so good.

Now the tricky bits...
Fistly, The wedding is in a place that is quite far away - as in, in the UK but (for us) either At Least a 14+ hour drive (not including stops) with a 1.5hr ferry, or a 2hr flight with car hire at airport followed by 4hr drive (we live 20 mins from local airport our end, so prob a £20 taxi). My objection to this is the horrendous (either way!) travelling time & hassle with 2 tiny ones, plus the cost is prohibitive for us - will cost about £475 for flights alone (we are swinging toward flying), plus car hire and fuel, extra baggage, etc.

Secondly, the wedding is taking place over 3 days; noone is quite sure what's happening over the three days yet but accommodation has been booked for everyone for the duration... general consensus is a lot of it is probably just about making sure everyone is there and relaxed for the Big Day due to the fairly isolated location, and ditto, that there must be stuff laid on but noone knows for sure! My objection to this is I will be pretty much solely in charge of the littlies the whole time as DP has a habit of reverting into "childhood family" mode when with his family, ie just ends up chatting shit with his siblings and playing around, and enjoying getting fussed over by MiL (he was her pfb and clearly still is)... Also, as Best Man he will have lots of duties as well, won't he?? He says this won't happen but he said that at Christmas and (even when clearly Not a Best Man) the same still happened... I can chivvy him but will basically spend 3 days feeling alternately stressed and irritated... MiL is often (too!) keen to help but again, I feel she will be distracted being Mother of the Groom, plus they have invited friends of theirs to the wedding so will be otherwise distracted! The whole 3 day thing for us all will also ramp up the cost, IMO.

Thirdly, although I am pretty good at hiding this I suffer from occasional anxiety and ocd which has got worse since having the kids.... This isn't helped when with inlaws by MiL being a typical Matriarch and always trying to "coordinate" & "guide" the kids, us, and often both.... so am feeling a mild sense of dread at the whole prospect! This could probably be quashed in the absence of first and second issues but combined.... :O

So's not to drip feed: money worries are definitely an Issue with us at the mo as We've recently lost some income (not much but enough to cause is to have to tighten purse strings) so this seems an obvious cost-cutting area (have hardly any savings between us, what we have we are going l saving towards starting our own business next year); DP is also going on the stag do, which is a long weekend in Portugal!!! See above... We couldn't go for longer and try make a holiday of it (even if we could afford it) as DPs job is v.season related and is going to be hard enough taking 3 days off in august as it is!

OK, my Aibu - to tell DP to go on his own, obviously!!

Umm. Tricky one.

I think YANBU at all, actually, but I do think you might need to find a way to make it work - this time. And if it does all go completely tits up for you, then remember it and tell him that next time, he'll be going by himself.

The money is a massive problem - so you're going to have to take the cheap option. If it means your DP missing more work, because it takes so long, then so be it (unless that would cost more than the flights!)

Have you discussed the possibility of him going alone? I'd definitely bring it up as an option and see how he feels about it. Since he has form for reverting to child status around his family, he might actually appreciate a chance to behave like one, unfettered by any responsibilities.

But if he insists he wants you there, then I think, as I said, that you need to find a way to manage. Somehow. But as much on your terms as possible.

If the stag do is that important to him, then you don't go. And why is it your job to play around with dates/airports so you can all fly? He wants you all to go he does that and finds a solution. YANBU.

Could either of you get a part time job to save up the money? It would be about 180 hours at minimum wage, if the wedding is sometime away babysitting or a couple of shifts in a bar or some cleaning would be enough. You mentioed having some small emergency savings, I sometimes dip into mine and pay it back in - but you do need to be disciplined if you do this.

I'd agree the stag do should go first, but don't think you will be able to persuade your partner about that.

Unfortunately OP I think you will have to suck it up and go. But conversations need to be had regarding the financial implications of doing both the stag do and wedding. Why can't they have the stag do in UK? I think that's a fair compromise.

I do think you have to go to the wedding really - BUT I think the ball has to be put firmly in DP's court. Sit him down and put it to him - print off your OP if that makes it easier - write out your finances and explain to him that he needs to make some tricky decisions. It is clear that you can't really afford for him to go on the stag do - so HE needs to decide what is a priority, this or your whole family going to the wedding. If the decision is made that you are going then you need to agree childcare between you - it is NOT okay for him to wander off and leave you to it. I think I would make sure something is firmly agreed between you and written out - and then when he inevitably deviates from it you pull him aside and remind him of this.

Thanks loads, everyone! Feeling massively more optimistic about the "coping" aspect.. Lots of people have said I'm being miserable but I'm honestly not! As I said - I'm pretty good at hiding it, even from myself I can usually Fake it till I Make it! The real problem is definitely cost....
The £1300 is IMO calculated as follows:
Stag do: £5-600, say £600 as I know DP and his appetite for food and drink, plus they are planning tours to sherry factories, clubs, surfing, etc.
Flights: checked 3 times (from different machines, clearing cookies!) and flights for three of us (DD counts as normal paying person at 3) plus bit extra for DS, come to £425, bags are £40 each, figuring we will need at least 2 between us for that long, with clothes, toys, bedding? Car hire usually £35 a day? 8hrs fuel, £50? Taxi to airport, £20... Therefore traveling alone, £6-700.... Then there's food and drink for 4 people over 4 days... (Wedding meal paid for but the rest will be up to us)...
Could actually be more than £1300 on those calculations!!

Pretty sure noone would've given a thought to us not being able to afford it - we don't discuss finances with family (never had cause to!) and MiLs idea of helping was we all drive (??) in convoy (how would that help??!)...
£1300+ is a lot to just ask people for!! Don't know what to do....

So, ditch the stag do.

Drive through the night. That'll save you hundreds.

However you sort it, YWBU to not go.

OP you're going to eat wherever you go and if you're in a lodge presumably you can self cater?

The costs of travel sound way in excess of anything I'd be looking at for a similar destination but obviously I don't know where you are or exactly where you're going to. Is your local airport a large easyjet type one or a BA/flybe type one?

Yabvu, its your husbands brother wedding and you can't see why you should go and why him and his family might be upset if u don't go?

Tbh, this is a time when if you're that financially stuck, I'd dig slightly into ur savings.

It seems from op that its travelling with children that's the big issue, think u only emphasised money more on later posts. Drive up , with a lot of driving at night if u can. Don't really get the fear of travelling long journey with ur own children tbh.

Once u go, if u do, try and not let anxiety stop u enjoying break. Dont be onsessed with kids routines etc. Your in laws sound v nice.

Pretty sure noone would've given a thought to us not being able to afford it - we don't discuss finances with family (never had cause to!)

Well, now you do have cause to, so open the dialog (or have your DH do so) instead of stewing silently. It sounds like your DH's family are close and would be receptive to hearing your concerns.

"Don't know what to do"

Well I know what I wouldn't be doing, & that's sitting in a car for 14hrs or getting a job so that my OH could have a jolly in Portugal.

If you do find a way of affording flights for all of you, then you'll have to get assertive with making sure you don't end up doing all the childcare.

Is your OH likely to be drinking a lot & not up to looking after the kids with you?

If so, I'd just say know that I'm not going.

now

Oh gawd I can see your dismay at this situation, although it's very difficult not to go.
And it's essentially two whole days travelling on top of the 3 nights away which is a big load for a young family. Particularly if you are going to get lumbered with all the responsibility and difficulty of looking after 2 kids away from home and not much fun.
I did a similar wedding recently (2 nights away in remote location, though travel wasn't nearly so far) with DP having wedding band duties and as a result there was pretty minimal relaxation time for me over the weekend. And we only have one child.

Agree you need to sit down with DP and go through all the logistics very closely, and get him on board with making hard choices. He doesn't have any motivation to at the moment as he gets to have a nice time in the plan thus far.

Also you'll have three cabin bags which fit a good amount, MIL can take bedding in her car and car hire is not usually £35 a day unless you're renting actually on an island.

Well I know what I wouldn't be doing, & that's sitting in a car for 14hrs or getting a job so that my OH could have a jolly in Portugal

Why not? My DH would happily do this for me to have a once in a lifetime trip with my siblings, and I'd happily do the same for him.

Isn't that what families do?

I'm thinking it must be very top of highlands to be 4 hours from UK airport? Any possibility of flying into smaller regional airport presuming you have checked all carriers.

You do sound a bit like you think you won't get much help. Just voice your opinions to your Dp before you go if that's a big concern.

It sounds like a lovely event. Seems a shame not to go although with 2 small DC car seats loads of luggage it can be a faff.

I'd speak to your Dp regarding the budget for stag do etc and just sit your fears re cost. Do you think he would be happy to go solo.

If this is your plan I'd let them know ASAP,

If I tried to drive all night there's a serious chance we'd have an accident. Did someone seriously suggest the OP take on extra employment for a fucking wedding?!

He wants to go to the stag do. So you tell him, 'Here's how it is financially: if you go to the stag do, we cannot afford for all of us to go to the wedding and I'll need to stay home.'

To all those saying the OP's partner should ditch the stag do -- he's the Best Man! And it's his brother. Very difficult in those circs, I would have thought. It's a tough one but it seems to me that the OP really doesn't want to go to the wedding and in that case, why would she?
I think she will have to sort it out with the DP beforehand that it's out of the question for her unless he promises she will get the help she wants and needs over the four days of the event.

I can well see the cost being £1300 for the stag and the wedding, it soon mounts up.

With a 3-year-old and 1-year-old I wouldn't have done it, even for my own sister. People who want to have weddings like this need to accept that it's a pain in the fucking arse for a lot of people.

"To all those saying the OP's partner should ditch the stag do -- he's the Best Man! And it's his brother."

But there are others to think of besides just him!

Being the best man & brother doesn't mean that your OH & kids disappear!

The only way to allay your fears about the financial aspect is to tell your DH you want to start planning for this event and you need to sort out costs, where the money's coming from, etc.

Once you've sat down together and done your costings and know how you're going to pay for each element of the event, only then will your DH be made aware of whether you can afford the whole thing it not.

OP, YANBU! This obviously worries you and you've come on here to talk about it and get advice. This is one where you need to have the talk with your DP. Sit down with him calmly and discuss the issue and ask him how you are all going to manage with all of it: finances, keeping kids busy, managing kids, the food etc. Perhaps he can discuss with his DM and his DB. He needs to man up and face the problem. But you must go to the wedding just for the sake of future family relationships. I like the idea of doing an overnight trip. Top car up with lots of grub, rolls, packets of ham and tomatoes in a picnic bag, so that you can do some meals very cheaply when there. DP will have to decide about stag do and needs to be aware of the finances. Share your anxiety with him!

And by the way, under no circumstances spend your own nest egg on this. Please promise me that. That is yours and not to spent on this kind of event.

Sorry, yabu though I can see why you would be dreading it.

I think you have to suck it up a bit when it's family assuming you all have good relationships/are close etc, which it sounds like DP is to his.