To be Seriously Dreading This??! (Long wedding one!)

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Name changed as pretty identifying but really want opinions on this as not sure how much my opinion is clouding facts (as usual!).

DPs brother is getting married in august this year, DP is Best Man and we have all been invited - me, DD(3) & DS(1) & DP, obviously - to the Happy Event with a lovely lodge laid on for us, to be shared with DPs DSis and her partner who we get on well with (although they don't have kids so obviously have a slightly different perspective on life!).... The wedding is quite small, around 50 people, and DPs family (he has two brothers and a sister), especially MiL and FiL, are all v.excited at the lovely family time to come (first wedding in the family, DD & DS are only grandchildren), they all love the kids, & seem to quite like me too.... :)
So far so good.

Now the tricky bits...
Fistly, The wedding is in a place that is quite far away - as in, in the UK but (for us) either At Least a 14+ hour drive (not including stops) with a 1.5hr ferry, or a 2hr flight with car hire at airport followed by 4hr drive (we live 20 mins from local airport our end, so prob a £20 taxi). My objection to this is the horrendous (either way!) travelling time & hassle with 2 tiny ones, plus the cost is prohibitive for us - will cost about £475 for flights alone (we are swinging toward flying), plus car hire and fuel, extra baggage, etc.

Secondly, the wedding is taking place over 3 days; noone is quite sure what's happening over the three days yet but accommodation has been booked for everyone for the duration... general consensus is a lot of it is probably just about making sure everyone is there and relaxed for the Big Day due to the fairly isolated location, and ditto, that there must be stuff laid on but noone knows for sure! My objection to this is I will be pretty much solely in charge of the littlies the whole time as DP has a habit of reverting into "childhood family" mode when with his family, ie just ends up chatting shit with his siblings and playing around, and enjoying getting fussed over by MiL (he was her pfb and clearly still is)... Also, as Best Man he will have lots of duties as well, won't he?? He says this won't happen but he said that at Christmas and (even when clearly Not a Best Man) the same still happened... I can chivvy him but will basically spend 3 days feeling alternately stressed and irritated... MiL is often (too!) keen to help but again, I feel she will be distracted being Mother of the Groom, plus they have invited friends of theirs to the wedding so will be otherwise distracted! The whole 3 day thing for us all will also ramp up the cost, IMO.

Thirdly, although I am pretty good at hiding this I suffer from occasional anxiety and ocd which has got worse since having the kids.... This isn't helped when with inlaws by MiL being a typical Matriarch and always trying to "coordinate" & "guide" the kids, us, and often both.... so am feeling a mild sense of dread at the whole prospect! This could probably be quashed in the absence of first and second issues but combined.... :O

So's not to drip feed: money worries are definitely an Issue with us at the mo as We've recently lost some income (not much but enough to cause is to have to tighten purse strings) so this seems an obvious cost-cutting area (have hardly any savings between us, what we have we are going l saving towards starting our own business next year); DP is also going on the stag do, which is a long weekend in Portugal!!! See above... We couldn't go for longer and try make a holiday of it (even if we could afford it) as DPs job is v.season related and is going to be hard enough taking 3 days off in august as it is!

OK, my Aibu - to tell DP to go on his own, obviously!!

If this was my dh's family and he had a brother (he doesn't) then mil, SIL etc would be devastated if I sent dh in his own without me and ds.
So much so they'd help us finance it. Most definitely.
We'd make a week of it (maybe by breaking the journies) and call it our holiday for the year.

Do you have any babysitters you could persuade to go with you? I used to do that sort of thing a lot - ride shotgun to a wedding with families I au paired for (or even babysat on a casual basis).

I wouldn't feel comfortable if Dp was saying her couldn't afford wedding if he was going on stag do.

Speak to him ASAP out the logistics in his hands. You shouldn't be worrying about this.

I don't think relatives particularly need to hear about money worries when they are obviously going to great expense for this wedding.

Sorry, having read your update on finance I can see your point more. I think your DH probably has to choose between stag and having you all at the wedding. If the money doesn't exist it doesn't exist and no one should go into debt for a wedding.

Or, say, Exeter. You could drive to Bristol or Newquay. I don't know how much difference it would make, but for something like this it's worth looking at it from every angle possible.

There used to be MNers who were expert at sorting out travel plans, and could help people save vast sums. It might be worth asking for help on Short Haul or UK Holidays or Travel Advice or even Weekend Breaks. Have a look under Travel on the topic list.

My DH missed his sister's wedding and my Dsis missed my DB's wedding - in both cases the weddings were (for various reasons) in far-flung destinations that made attending just impossible. I suppose with much faffing, scrimping and so on they could have made it but sometimes it just has to be a no. Missing a sibling's wedding is not, in fact, the end of the world.

I absolutely think you and the DC should go. The only thing on your list that is a real issue is the cost, which does sound hefty.

But if you've never mentioned to family that things are tight, how would they know that this is an issue for you guys? You need to get DP to speak up, fast.

How is DP planning to afford the stag do, if you are only just getting by? Have you discussed this between you?

In our family, if it were a case of a sibling's family missing out on celebrating a crucial event, the money for flights etc. would be found between everyone, I am pretty sure of that. No one in my family (both mine or my DH's side) would have people staying behind because of cost (as long as it wasn't a transatlantic flight and a 4* hotel!).

The other issues - travel time, DP being best man so not so available, that's just run-of-the-mill suck-it-up stuff. But you can't ignore the cost.

Discuss with your DP, and get him to discuss with his family, as soon as possible.

1. DP tells his brother he can't afford to do stag do and for all of you to go to wedding. Between them they decide what is most important - for me it would be wedding and more reasonable stag do would be arranged. They may decide differently.

1. Wedding just has to be sucked up. YABVU about this. It's a sibling's wedding. It just has to be done. There is no way out of it.

1. You and DP need to come up with some kind of code word for when he is reverting to child mode around his family and ignoring you and you need some support so he comes back to you and steps up a bit. He may not even know he does it - most people do it and find it hard not to.

1. Seriously ask on the holidays section about reducing costs of the holiday - things like parking can be massively reduced by doing things like Parkonmydrive rather than airport parking etc. Also if DP really is MIL's PFB she may be happy to give him money to get you all to the wedding.

I think it is very reasonable for family to put themselves out for a close family member's wedding, however it is not reasonable to expect them to get into debt.

I think it is very likely that they just have not considered a. how much it will cost you in total and, b. that you might not have the disposable income to cover it (I never truly appreciated this until we went through a lean couple of years!)

In your position I would sit down with DP and agree how much you can afford to spend in total. Then present him with you budget, grab a pencil and see where you can make changes. It may be that DP misses the Portugal stag do, but you arrive early at the wedding venue for them to do something special but less expensive together. It may be that you drive (I've driven similar distances with young children and it is honestly not as bad as it sounds, plus you can find cheap family hotel rooms for under £50, so doing the journey in 2 or more stretches is always an option). It may be that DP drives with the children and picks you up from the airport

Either way, I think you need to explain to DP's brother that you only have a budget of £X this year. They may well jump in and offer to pay for DP to go on the stag do, or suggest other ways of cutting costs. I imagine that, at the very least, they will ask you not to worry about bringing a gift. There is no shame in having to stick to a budget.

Agree with your dh having to choose.

Travelling with small ones is hard work, but that is a lovely part of the world. Some of my happiest memories of when our children were small is when we took them to far-flung parts of the north of Scotland from our home in the south of England and went for walks on beautiful beaches. And we usually had two dogs, too. It was all crazy, but fun. I love looking at the photos of us all playing on some windy beach in glorious surroundings.

YABU. If your DP is such a pfb why doesn't he ask mil for a bit of help with finances?

I think this kind of thing is so important you just have to put yourselves out for it.

Frankly the stag plans sound ridiculously expensive overall. It's all very well saying the best man has to be there, but really why impose an expensive trip on him that he can't afford? They could make the main stag do an evening out locally, that would effectively meet his best man duties.

OP are your PILS driving?If so I'd ask them to take the extra luggage in the car with them and just take the hand luggage on the plane.

That should save you a good amount.With the food and drinks whilst your there are you staying in a self catering place or a hotel.If it's self catering then the food for a few days shouldn't set you back to much.
If it's a hotel can you do room only?If you can before you go find out about any local supermarkets with cafes or cheap local cafes you can use those for your breakfasts and dinners and for lunch you could pick up sandwiches and snacks.

I don't see why OP has to be there.

Sure, it would be nice if they can all make it.

But the point of it all is that the couple get married.

That's going to happen no matter who turns up!

OP, I don't think cost is the main issue here for you.

You are willing for your OP to go the stag and wedding. That's £600 for the stag and £200 (approx.) for the flights to the wedding.

So if you can afford that, could you not ask your PIL to help with the remaining amount (£500)? Even if they can't help, you need to swallow your pride and talk to your in laws about your financial circumstances. They sound like a lovely family, they may be willing to help with a loan.

You and your DP need to try and make this happen. It's a small wedding. The absence of you and the only kids in the family will be KEENLY felt.
Please don't use this occasion as a way to score points off your man-child husband (you need to get firm with him and dump the kids on him sometimes so you can get free time) and also to score points off the matriarch MIL. If you don't go to this wedding, this will be remembered for the rest of your lives.

Is there a chance that you could be slightly envious that your BIL is getting married but you and your DP can't afford to do yet?

Travelling with tiny children is never fun.

If I were you, and I'm not, but anyway - I would suggest DP goes to both events on his own. And that he tries to keep costs down on the stag do.

That's all. Your children will get little out of a big family event at their age, it's a tremendous amount of money and a huge hassle (four days, ouch) so I would just send my best regards and say we can't all afford to come, and then he can take part in the family stuff himself and you can stay at home with the children.

It's either that or suck it up and you all go.

I think it would be sad if none of you attended though. Talk to DH about it and mention the money side of it and see if he thinks this would work.

Id be telling your DP that if he wants to go the stag do then he needs to borrow the money for that from his family, as all the money you're earning is going to be covering the cost of getting you all to the wedding.

I think it would be vv unreasonable not to attend the wedding. Sorry - but I would be massively pissed off if DH tried to get out of attending one of my sibling's weddings.

Agree with PPs - it will be remembered if you don't go. My db's then-gf threw a massive strop on the day of our cousin's weddings and didn't go - it was "never forgotten." And that was a cousin, not a sibling.

What I would do is get DH to speak to his parents - the wedding is non-negotiable IMHO, that comes first - and I'd insist on flying - so he needs to speak to them about the cost of the stag do, and whether they'd be prepared to put in some dosh for him.

YABU.

Your reasons (other than the financial ones) are not a justification to not go to such a close family member's wedding.

The financial issue can be very easily resolved by your DP not going to the stag do.

If he wants to go to that too, he can get a job at weekends or something for a few months.

It's a matter of priorities, I suppose.

The wedding is way more important than the stag do - to everyone but, apparently, your husband.

I think it's bizarre that his non-attendance for a weekend of fun in Portugal is non-negotiable, but it's fine for his wife and children to miss an important family event.
Obviously, everyone (esp grandparents and the happy couple) will be hugely disappointed if you're not at the wedding weekend.

He needs to not go to the stag of money is that tight.

I would tell your DH that if he doesn't help with the kids then it will be the last time you go anywhere.

The Flight Checker tool on MoneySavingExpert is excellent for seeking out the cheapest flights.

I would personally be devastated to miss my DBs wedding, and I agree with PPs that the wedding should be prioritised over the stag. If MIL is as much of a matriarch as you say, I'm sure she'd rather chip in to cover your costs than have her PFB miss the wedding.

This is a slightly leftfield suggestion (and I wouldn't want to do it myself so completely understand if you dismiss it as ridiculous!) but since you live in Cornwall and the wedding is in August, would you be comfortable letting your home out for the week? I'm sure you would easily be able to cover the costs. Would be a load of extra hassle and stress though, I admit, and definitely not for everyone... but it'd get you a pretty decent chunk of cash fairly quickly.

I sympathise OP. I am in a very similar situation but with 3 small children and not one but TWO weddings abroad, plus stag do abroad!

Would not bringing the children be an option and just you & DP go?

I know you are saying your DH cant miss the stag do because hes the best man but he has to say to his brother that you cant afford the stag and the wedding, its one or the other. I despise the ever inflated and rising costs of stag and hen dos (which should just really be a nightout with drinks and/or dinner etc imo) these days - who suggested Portugal and why did your DH go along with this at the time without thinking of the costs involved?

And I totally agree with this I would tell your DH that if he doesn't help with the kids then it will be the last time you go anywhere.