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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Only sibling not in wedding party

79 replies

MercuryBrown · 13/01/2016 11:02

My oldest sister is getting married. She has asked my two other sisters to be bridesmaid but purposefully left me out. My other two siblings didn't mention they were in the wedding party, I found out because the bridesmaids (8 of them) were listed on the invitation I received. I am very hurt by this and I'm thinking of declining the invite. I would ask my mother to speak to her but my mother unfortunately has severe Alzheimer's. I don't know how to proceed. I don't want to seem petty by declining the invite but don't really want to constantly come up with an excuse as to why I'm not involved. I have two children but so does one of my other sisters. Why would you guys do? Would you attend and grit your teeth or would you decline? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Melonaire · 13/01/2016 11:04

What's the history between you? Does she have form for this kind of thing?

Jibberjabberjooo · 13/01/2016 11:06

Do you get on with her? Have you fallen out?

Original poster

MercuryBrown · 13/01/2016 11:08

We had a disagreement a year and a half ago about how to take care of our mom who has severe Alzheimer's. Even though my two other sisters agreed, I was the only one that spoke up which angered her severely. I've been left out of all lunch and dinner parties the days before and after the wedding so I will only get to see the rest of my family minimally since they will be busy with the festivities.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 13/01/2016 11:10

I'd decline, life is too short to let people let you make you feel like this.

Figwin · 13/01/2016 11:12

Are you close with your other sisters? Any chance of an ear there?

MLGs · 13/01/2016 11:12

I would decline too.

Other possibility would be to speak to one of the other siblings about how she is making you feel. They may be willing to intervene.

Listing the bridesmaids on the invitation is really unusual, so also smacks of being deliberate.

DoreenLethal · 13/01/2016 11:13

Didn't you post about this already today? You are obviously being ostracised by your family, for speaking out.

Jibberjabberjooo · 13/01/2016 11:14

How many lunch and dinner parties before a wedding does she need?

Does she not like you having an opinion normally then?

Figwin · 13/01/2016 11:15

If it was a big wedding I would go to see other people I knew etc. take the high road.

If it's a smaller do I would not go as it would feel more awkward and more contact with her. This is not the low road, the load road is kicking up a massive row and storming into the ceremony screaming "why do you hate me!?!"

coconutpie · 13/01/2016 11:15

I would decline. Listing the bridesmaids on the actual invitation is really poor form and is incredibly passive aggressive. And when everybody else sees the invitation they will think the same.

perpetuallybewildered · 13/01/2016 11:15

Just wondering why you've started a second thread about this?

Waltermittythesequel · 13/01/2016 11:18

So things are very strained then.

If you don't go that will probably be the final nail in the coffin.

If you're willing for this to be the end of all contact/relationship then decline.

I'm not saying you should go, I'm just saying keep your eyes open about the consequences of not going.

Figwin · 13/01/2016 11:19

Why have you started two identical threads?

Pootles2010 · 13/01/2016 11:22

So you've fallen out, then if she was to have you as bridesmaid that would be a bit odd, wouldn't it?

You need to decide what you want, as Walter says. If you go, tow the party line, that would be the start of an improving relationship, if that is what you want?

If you don't go, I agree that would be the nail in the coffin.

CarbonEmittingPenguin · 13/01/2016 11:26

I wouldn't go but then again I am as stubborn as white on rice. Don't make any excuses for why you aren't attending suffice to say "Wish you both well, I can't make it." End of. Life is far too short for this sort of thing and you are right in thinking that the whole day will be spent by unsuspecting guests asking why you're not part of the brides maids or whatever. Live and let live.

Sunbeam1112 · 13/01/2016 11:31

What happened to the previous thread? You don't get on, your not close so therefore she doesn't have to have you as a bridesmaid because your relates but you should still go. I wasnt involved in my brothers wedding party but my other brother was best man and my son was page boy. I didnt batter an eyelid and enjoyed myself

Pickitup · 13/01/2016 11:32

You could use it as an opportunity to build your relationship if you wanted to. Or leave it.
Depends on what you want to do.

Original poster

MercuryBrown · 13/01/2016 11:34

I started another because as I was trying to read up on similar situations most of them seem to be on the AIBU threads. I thought I would get more opinions on this one.

OP posts:

Wolpertinger · 13/01/2016 11:35

If you dont go, it will be the final nail in the coffin. If you are happy for that to happen don't go.

If you can suck it up, go and are happy to have a sort of Christmas and birthdays relationship with her, then go.

TBH if she's the sort of person who needs lunch parties before her wedding, I wouldn't want more than Christmas and birthdays with her, life's too short for that sort of drama.

Jibberjabberjooo · 13/01/2016 11:35

Are you in the uk? In your other thread you say your sister spends your mother's money on herself rather than refilling her medications.

Wolpertinger · 13/01/2016 11:36

Also if you don't go, ther relatives who you do like, may fall out with you. Is it worth it?

GoblinLittleOwl · 13/01/2016 11:37

Go to the wedding ceremony, but don't attend the following party if you feel you are being ostracised. But does the invitation include your husband and children? Difficult if it does.

Original poster

MercuryBrown · 13/01/2016 11:37

I don't want her to make me a bridesmaid. It wouldn't really bother me so much if I was invited to the lunch and dinner parties as my family who live in other countries and states will be there. I get to see them once a year so it cuts out the time I can spend with them. The parties have events planned such as group sight seeing tours which I won't be able to attend with the other family members I am in usual contact with. It would also have been nice to hear it from my other two sisters whom I talk to constantly rather than finding out on the invitation. I've tried talking to my other sisters about it but they don't want to get caught in the middle and I don't want to put them in a weird spot.

OP posts:

MoMoTy · 13/01/2016 11:38

You both had a fallout, I'm not sure why you are surprised she has left you out. She's left you out from other stuff too, so this must be expected. You have a choice to go because it's your sister and she invited you or just not because it will be obvious to everyone there that you are left out.

Original poster

MercuryBrown · 13/01/2016 11:38

I'm in the US but my eldest sister and mother live in the UK.

OP posts:

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