Only sibling not in wedding party

[MercuryBrown]

My oldest sister is getting married. She has asked my two other sisters to be bridesmaid but purposefully left me out. My other two siblings didn't mention they were in the wedding party, I found out because the bridesmaids (8 of them) were listed on the invitation I received. I am very hurt by this and I'm thinking of declining the invite. I would ask my mother to speak to her but my mother unfortunately has severe Alzheimer's. I don't know how to proceed. I don't want to seem petty by declining the invite but don't really want to constantly come up with an excuse as to why I'm not involved. I have two children but so does one of my other sisters. Why would you guys do? Would you attend and grit your teeth or would you decline? Am I being unreasonable?

Ow could you get power of attorney of your mother if she and your sister live in the UK and you are in the US?

Would you prefer your mum to be in care? Completely legitimate if you feel the care would be better.

You seem more concerned with the wedding though op but sorry if that's not the case.

oldraver op is in the states so she needs to enlighten us. No idea.

I assumed it was autocorrect and she meant 'doctors appointments'.

You have had a falling out with her so shouldn't expect a bridesmaid invite surely?

I think that you should go to the wedding and spend some time the UK looking at your Mums care plan rather than criticize it from a distance.

If you're so far away then I think it is difficult for you to know enough about your dm's care.

Both my parents ended up being the closest child to their parents when they needed care. In both cases siblings thought they weren't doing the right care until they came and saw for some time what was actually going on. In both cases caring put huge pressure on them, which the siblings didn't ever fully realise.

In dm's case if her siblings hadn't trusted her, then they probably could have accused her of spending their money. In her case what used to happen was dm would go to the supermarket, think "oh they need some more X Y Z" and take it round to them later. So she'd then arrive, put the shopping away, change the sheets, do a couple of meals for the freezer, empty the dishwasher.... and dgd would then say to her "I was thinking, could you get me another pen next time you go to Smiths. They're so good, get yourself one too". and give hert £10 to get two pens.

So dm would have spent £20 on shopping, 3 hours on caring and get a £5 pen out of it. Good thing she did it for love wasn't it?

But if the siblings had seen she'd taken £10 and bought a pen for dgd and a pen for herself, they could easily have thought she'd told him pens had gone up and pinched the money/used ti on herself.

I wouldn't go.

I think what hurts the most in situations like this is the fact that no one else bothered to tell you so you found out almost by mistake.

My decision on whether to go or not would depend upon how much I really wanted to see other family though - if you think going just so you can see them is worth it then grin and bear it. If not then just don't go.

Are you able to talk to your other two sisters about how hurt you are feeling?

Ok.
Obv don't go to the wedding.
Get legal advice re: your mothers money going missing and being spent by your sister.
I know you are in the US but you can contact the local authority to express your concerns.
Your mother needs specialist care, I realise your other family might not want to spend her money on care, but it's what she needs.
Does your sister have POA?

Also...and I am not excusing her behaviour....but could she be angry that the rest of you have moved away and it has become her responsibility to care for your mother?
How much help do you and your siblings provide?

How have you got proof?

I think if you and your sisters can afford to fly home for a wedding then you can afford to fly home and see to sorting out what's going on with your mother, tbh.

I would go. But I would mentally log how she's excluded you and keep her at arms distance

She doesn't live with my mother and from my mother care taker (the nanny) my sister drops in once a week. I've always kept in touch with my mothers doctors and they have told me she hasn't been seen or had tests done in over a year. Her nanny told me that meds haven't been refilled and the pharmacy she uses confirmed that. As for the money issue I have bank statement that show where money has been spent. All my siblings are listed with the banks so they can get statements as long as my mother is present. My mother doesn't know what or who Michael Kors is. She doesn't know what Brand Name is....never has. She has always been wealthy but would shop at discount stores because she felt paying high prices just because you can afford it was unnecessary. My sisters have both seen the evidence and talked to doctors. I also have texts and emails from my sisters showing concerns about my mothers wellbeing. Last time I visited she had been wearing the same outfit for over a week and hadn't been bathed. She smelled very bad and I was worried for her hygiene. I understand I can't take care of her from a different continent, the plan (that had been discussed with my other sisters) is bringing her to the US since there are 3 of us here and taking care of her here. My eldest sister is getting married in the US and will be moving here with her husband at the end of the year. Leaving her in the UK alone makes no sense whatsoever. I'm not more concerned about the wedding than my mother. I've spent a lot of money on my attorneys in the UK to get the ball rolling. We've had investigators over and their findings support what I have said.

Can your sister completely step down from caring for your mum. I think it's perfectly fine for her to be reinburst for her time if it's substantially more then what you give. However it needs to be above board and honest

So nhs gps contact you in America telling you she hasn't been to appointments?

Your sister clearly doesn't want to care for your mum and you shouldn't expect her to. Making alternative provisions is a good idea.

Am I understanding correctly that you last saw your Mum a year and a half ago, when you criticised how your sister was looking after your Mum?

Did you suggest having your Mum come to live near you so you could look after her instead?

If she hasn't bathed or changed clothes for a week, and your sister only goes once a week this must be down to the "nanny". Why not a nurse, who knows? Get another one and report this one for miss conduct

Are you sure it is your sister spending your mum's money and not the carer...?

Sod the wedding, I'd report your sister for theft, fraud and negligence.

Kind of makes you wonder what the 'caretaker' does if she doesn't wash/bathe you mother, doesn't take her to Drs appointments.

Is your Mother formally diagnosed?

Even if he is, she doesn't need a qualified carer. Not sure what the difference between a carer and a nanny is to be honest- someone who cares for the elderly is usually called a 'carer' in The UK.

Having been a carer for my mother with Altzheimers with POA, how do they get bank statements- how do you for that matter?

The wedding really is the least of your worries

I've spent a lot of money on my attorneys in the UK to get the ball rolling

What do you mean? What are you looking for your lawyers to do?

YANBU - it sounds a rather mean thing to do and it is very odd to have a list of bridesmaids on an invitation. But the wedding is a red herring. You need to concern yourself with your mother's needs here rather than your sister's wedding.

Your mother needs to be taking her Alzheimer's medication or she will continue to get worse. If you are in contact with her GP can you not arrange for her prescriptions to be sent to the local chemist and delivered directly to her in a Dosette box? Bypass your sister's involvement on this, get rid of the Nanny and get someone to help your mother who will actually take care of her needs until you can get her over to the US - which I hope is sooner rather than later.

You mentioned POA - is it actually in place or have you just applied for it? Does your sister have POA over her health and/or finances? You can report her to the Office of the Public Guardian if she is fraudulently spending your mother's money on gifts for herself.

The wedding is - or should be - the least of your concerns. A lot of things don't add up here - how is it you have access to so much information about your mother's care from another country, but - given that it is so damning and suggests serious fraud and negligence - have done so little about it? And even if your US-based sisters are timid types, isn't your mother's care more important than not wanting a confrontation with the UK sister? There are three of you, after all! Why is the 'nanny' (?) telling you the meds haven't been refilled and doctor's appointments haven't been attended - surely that's her job, if your UK sister only sees your mother briefly once a week? Shouldn't the carer be investigated?

Honestly, your obsession with the wedding and not being a bridesmaid makes you sound as if you have very strange priorities. If you and the UK sister had a serious falling out over your mother's care, and have hardly seen one another since, are you surprised you're not a bridesmaid? And what does it matter either way if your mother is unbathed and without proper care in the UK?

Do you realise the impact you can have on an elderly person travelling them 8 hours on a plane to America to live let alone someone who has dementia? If theres hygiene issues its down to the carer. Also it could be the carer thats fincially abusing your mum. I think this is bigger than a wedding. I think all four of your sisters are at fault and the care of your mother should be managed more effectively not on just one person, its unfair to blame your sister when shes physically in the uk and you and your sisters aren't. Its easy to pass judgement when your not physically there.

I don't think its approiate to leave an elderly vunerable adult in the uk on her own but nor is it wise to have her completely relocate either. You need a care package in place. I would suggest you find a sutable care home who are able to meet her care needs on a 24/7 basis with access to medication reviews,hospital appointments and trained professionals. I think its unreasonable to put fault on one sister when your at a distance and limited to what you can do. ( i work in a care home and reading through your post i would suggest this is the best solution for mum. Her dementia is going to get progressly worse and is a huge concern she will be left without any family members in the uk.