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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Only sibling not in wedding party

79 replies

MercuryBrown · 13/01/2016 11:02

My oldest sister is getting married. She has asked my two other sisters to be bridesmaid but purposefully left me out. My other two siblings didn't mention they were in the wedding party, I found out because the bridesmaids (8 of them) were listed on the invitation I received. I am very hurt by this and I'm thinking of declining the invite. I would ask my mother to speak to her but my mother unfortunately has severe Alzheimer's. I don't know how to proceed. I don't want to seem petty by declining the invite but don't really want to constantly come up with an excuse as to why I'm not involved. I have two children but so does one of my other sisters. Why would you guys do? Would you attend and grit your teeth or would you decline? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Bettercallsaul1 · 13/01/2016 11:42

This seems so much of a deliberate insult that I think it would be demeaning for you to accept. I think it would be on your mind constantly before the wedding, on the day itsself and for the rest of your life. Your sister is humiliating you by doing this - don't let her. Take control by declining with dignity. Family events like weddings and funerals are often used as opporunities for reconciliation after a family argument - your sister is using it for the opposite purpose, to alienate you further. Think about yourself and your own self-esteem. In the long-term, you will have far fewer regrets about declining this wedding than attending.

Figwin · 13/01/2016 11:43

How do you know she's not looking after your mum properly if you're not there? Did the others say? I know this is not the point of the thread but just wondering if she's being petty or is justified

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2016 11:47

I would decline, from what you have said this seems to have been done deliberately, if you go, it would really humiliate you, everyone will be talking. It would not be pleasant for you at all.

Sunbeam1112 · 13/01/2016 11:48

Did you ever resolve your issues? What was your relationship like a children? Could you speak to her directly and speak about joining in garious family orientated activities? Could you not go down for the wedding then arrange family get together afterwards when your sis is away on honeymoon?

Waltermittythesequel · 13/01/2016 11:52

You're not there to look after your mother so if you started going on about how she should be cared for by the people who are actually doing it, I can see why that would cause problems.

I don't see why you'd have to explain anything. It's perfectly sensible not to make someone who lives on the other side of the world a bridesmaid! So awkward questions aren't an issue, IMO.

The sightseeing etc yeah, that's a bit shitty.

But then, she can't really stop you going on a sightseeing tour...

Viviennemary · 13/01/2016 11:55

I wouldn't go. If you have been left out of a lot of the preparations deliberately then there is obviously bad feeling. It is really mean of her not to involve you in the other meet ups. If your DH wants to go then he can. Why should you be sidelined in this way.

PGTip · 13/01/2016 11:56

I would go to see other family members. If anyone asks about the bridesmaid or lunches/ days out situations be honest, say you weren't asked/ invited. If they ask why be honest and refer them to your sister

Original poster

MercuryBrown · 13/01/2016 11:56

I know that she isn't taking proper care of my mother because Doctor point nets are cancelled and meds haven't been refilled for months.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 13/01/2016 11:59

And what are your other two sisters doing?

Jibberjabberjooo · 13/01/2016 11:59

So have you spoken to your DM's GP? Or social services?

CFSsucks · 13/01/2016 12:02

So you have fallen out because you have confronted her over her poor care of your mother, she didn't like it and has excluded you quite deliberate and publically. No one puts the names of the bridesmaids on the invites, this seems deliberate and spiteful. You have also been excluded from everything to do with the wedding except the actual wedding.

I'd not bother to waste my time with her wedding. I think your other 2 sisters have behaved badly by not telling you as well. There is wanting to keep out of it and just plain siding with her.

Hihohoho1 · 13/01/2016 12:08

The question of your mothers care or lack of it is far more important than a wedding. If you are seriously concerned then you should contact the relevant authorities.

Regards the wedding any bride who arranges lunch parties and sends out invitations listing the bridesmaids ( how fucking wierd is that) sounds a massive pain in the arse.

I certainly wouldn't go.

Rafflesway · 13/01/2016 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerryMarigold · 13/01/2016 12:11

The question of your mothers care or lack of it is far more important than a wedding.

I agree. You need to get this sorted OP, if it's really true (how do you know it is true?). Do your sisters live in UK with the eldest or in US?

MintyChops · 13/01/2016 12:14

It sounds like she is still pissed off with you for confronting her over your mum. It would be easy not to go but this may well eat away at you. I speak as someone with a similarly fractured relationship with one of my sisters. If you can, I would suggest you take the high ground and go but plan your own activities and stay on afterwards to see your relatives. Oh and if asked why you aren't included don't say any more than "I wasn't included" and if pressed refer them to Cuntface your sister.

Original poster

MercuryBrown · 13/01/2016 12:19

My other two sisters live in the US as well. I did file to have power of attorney because I have proof from the pharmacies and doctors that she is not getting adequate care. She has a nanny as a care taker. Nannies are not medical assistants and she doesn't have any experience with Alzheimer's. I was there for 2 months a year and a half ago and the nanny would tell me it's very hard and she can't do it forever. Also my mother bank accounts have charges from Michael Kors, Jimmy Choos etc. none of those provide medical care. Clearly my sister is using the money for herself.

OP posts:

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/01/2016 12:20

sometimes a situation is so divisive that you need to write out the PRO and CON in a table.

THEN READ THEM, AGAIN AND AGAIN.

your gut instinct will kick in on this - no one can advise a decision

It almost depends on your too, if accepting means you have MONTHS of anxiety beforehand- is it worth it

Original poster

MercuryBrown · 13/01/2016 12:21

The rest of my family agrees but my family is a very "sweep it under the rug" type. I'm the odd ball. I'm no confrontational but I also don't like to let things fester for long without addressing it

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 13/01/2016 12:23

In that case a wedding invitation is the least of your worries!

Seriously? If what you say is actually happening your mother needs instant help.

You need to contact the relevant authorities and get this sorted!

Oakmaiden · 13/01/2016 12:23

How do you know that appointments have been missed and prescriptions not filled? How do you know that your sister is taking money?

Are your other siblings in the UK too?

And how old is your mum?

I don't know if you are reasonable of not about the wedding party - it seems a shame, but if your sister feels you are accusing her of neglecting your mum and stealing from her, I can understand why she would not really want you to have a central role in the wedding.

Jibberjabberjooo · 13/01/2016 12:26

You need to sort out your DM's care, forget the wedding! You can phone the GP. Phone age uk for advice, phone social services (they also provide care packages). There are things you can do.

hippowithsuncreen · 13/01/2016 12:27

I have had similar.
My Dads family are not that close but come together in a crisis and invite all the family to every big event.

When my youngest was born we were really skint and had lost our house after a massive change in circumstance due to serious illness while pregnant. I wanted the dc Christened and because it was one with multi families the Vicar didn't charge me anything. At this point in time I had not seen two particular lots of relatives in ten years but my parents had.

We were having food back at our tiny temporary house put on by my Mum so it was literally God parents and my parents and I did not invite the relative I hadn't seen in a decade.

To punish me for this my Uncle who had taken control of his sons wedding (my cousin) invited EVERY other member of family except my Dad (his brother) to the wedding and made it clear that it was because I hadn't invited them to the christening. It caused WAR.

pudcat · 13/01/2016 12:28

If your sister is inappropriately using your mum's money and this causing neglect, then you have a much bigger problem than being left out of a wedding. You need to do something about this - no matter how much family upset it causes. If it is true about the accounts your sister is stealing and this needs sorting. I cannot abide folk who take advantage of those unable to care for themselves. Please help your poor Mum

Oakmaiden · 13/01/2016 12:28

x post. Still interested in knowing how you have info from pharmacies/doctors etc. And how old your mum is. Does she not get free prescriptions?

How do you know she hasn't told your sister to go and buy herself things?

And does someone with Alzheimers need 1 to 1 medical care? Surely all they really need is a companion to keep and eye on them. And, indeed, to take them to appointments and collect prescriptions... Why hasn't the companion been doing this?

Oldraver · 13/01/2016 12:31

I know that she isn't taking proper care of my mother because Doctor point nets are cancelled and meds haven't been refilled for months.

What on earth does this mean ?

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