To feel so awful that my newborn is going to have to have formula

[Givinguph0pe]

Dd was born by c section six weeks early and I wanted to breast feed. However a stay in hospital and the fact I was so stressed about how much milk she was having meant that I swapped to expressing and bottle feeding fairly quickly.
However because I've been so stressed and hardly eating anything (now weigh a stone and a half less than I did pre pregnancy) means that although I'm expressing every three hours I'm not making enough milk for her and she's eating more.

The thought of putting her on formula breaks my heart. I know a lot of babies are ill with you first switch them over and I can't stand the thought of her being ill again. Also I wanted her to have the antibodies from my milk as her immune system must still be vulnerable. She's not quite three weeks old. I have some milk frozen to last maybe another week and then that's it. She will have to have some formula and it will be something else I've let her down on.

The formula smells disgusting too. I keep imagining her little face when she tastes it and realises it isn't breast milk. How do any of them drink it?

Aibu to be so upset about this?

[mommy2ash]

Op you should never feel bad about doing what is right for your baby. I'm not even getting into the formula vs breast feeding debate but just be safe in the knowledge you are doing your best and that's all anyone can do

[IloveJudgeJudy]

Sorry, got to go to bed as on the early shift tomorrow so haven't rtft, but had to write to say I felt like you with DD . I fretted about having to mix feed, especially as DS1 was ff. DB came round, I burst into tears and he and SIL were brilliant. They told me that DD wouldn't come to any harm being ff, but I would be much happier which, in turn, would make DD happier (she was a fretful baby in the beginning). What they said was true. Your DC will be fine, being ff. We mothers put so much pressure on ourselves to have and do everything perfectly. Be kind to yourself. It's stressful enough, having a new baby, without you putting more pressure on yourself. Baby will be fine. I know that breastfeeding is said to be best, but all 3 of mine ended up being ff. They're all perfectly healthy. It seems like such a big deal at the time, but it really isn't. You can only do the best you can at the time, in the circumstances at that time. Good luck!

[OliviaMumsnet]

Evening all
A reminder that while this is AIBU that Mumsnet's raison d'être is to make lives easier,
OP heartiest congrats on the new arrival -

[timemaychangeme]

I forgot to mention in my post that I agree ff smells rather unpleasant, but I tasted it out of interest and it's actually sweet and not at all unpleasant imo. My dd's friend works for the company that produces Aptimil and she says it is formulated to resemble breastmilk in every way possible.

Totally agree with OliviaMumsnet post that guilt is a wasted emotion.
My dd also felt she was letting her dd down. I know I'm biased but she is an absolutely amazing Mum and in no way could anyone possibly think she has let her little girl down. And you haven't let yours down either.

[coconutpie]

timemaychangeme - your dd's friend is giving you false information and this is the main problem with formula companies. Formula companies cannot and never will be able to manufacture formula milk "to resemble breastmilk in every way possible".

Breastmilk contains antibodies, hormones, anti-viruses, anti-allergies, anti-parasites, growth factors and enzymes; none of which can be manufacturered by formula companies.

This is not an attack on those who feed formula - every mother can do as they please but statements like that coming from your dd's friend need to be corrected as they are telling lies.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

YNBU for bottle feeding your baby.
YABU for putting pressure on your self, and feel guilty.

[timemaychangeme]

coconutpie - sorry I think I should have said 'try' and make it as close to breastmilk as they possibly can. It can't be identical I appreciate because it has things in that can't be replicated.

[Woobeedoo]

Please don't feel bad or beat yourself up over this.

My little boy was born with tongue tie, in the colostrum days he fed perfectly well. Once my milk came in, his latch turned into a gummy, biting shark attack. It was beyond agony and feeds would take 8hours.

My OH suggested doing mixed feeds and I was so hung up about BFing my child, I remember saying that "I'm not putting that filth in my baby!" and even though I did feed him the hated formula (which he loved just as much as my milk) I would feel such disgust at myself and that I'd let myself down.

It took a while for me to get myself out of the mood slump I fell in and now I know full well that if I am lucky to have another baby, my mindset will be totally different.

Your baby and you will be fine.

[Kewcumber]

My DS was a 26 week premmie who (for various reasons) has never had a drop of breast milk in his life - not one drop. He's a strapping 10 year old now with an immune system you'd envy.

I understand you want to do your best but out of a lifetime of decisions you foist upon your children, the decision (or even necessity) of switching to formula a few months before you would ideally choose to is probably one of the less damaging things you'll do to them (or they'll do to themselves!).

Think of it in the context of the next 20 years - we all fuck things up a lot and somehow humans keep growing up pretty well on our best efforts rather than perfect parenting.

Good luck.

[chumbler]

Yanbu. I feel for you. Have you seen a breastfeeding advisor?

[Applycrumbly]

OP I completely understand where you're coming from - not to be dismissive of ff babies of which ds is one! I had my heart set on breastfeeding but had an emcs after which ds was really ill -necessitating a weeks stay in the nicu - meaning he couldn't latch on properly. We had to resort to formula top ups when he was just a few hours old. After 6 weeks he stopped bf completely and I was expressing milk for almost every feed and giving top ups as I was so worried about him missing out on breast milk goodness. I eventually realised I was running myself into the ground and actually missing out on enjoying precious time with ds and whilst I had all the worries you have at the time I've never looked back. I'm not saying either is better, I think it comes down to personal choice/situation but despite my fears ds doesn't seem to have missed out and I've observed that compared to several of his bf peers he has never been ill and is quicker to reach certain milestones!

[Pico2]

Your current path (of expressing) may have worked with DC1, but I am under the impression that it isn't at all practical for subsequent DC as it is so time consuming that you won't have time to care for 2 DC while pumping and feeding too. Though I haven't tried, so don't take my word on it

Once we moved on from trying to BF to formula with DD1 I changed my effort to trying to formula feed as well as possible and that helped me to focus on the good that I could do. For me that meant demand feeding, even though many people associate formula with schedules. It also meant either using readymade formula or carefully following the guidelines for making up formula. Many people don't make formula up correctly and that is a genuine health risk that you can mitigate. I'd recommend using readymade formula for the early weeks as it is sterile and quick to sort out for the period of unpredictable, frequent bottles.

I sat this not to add pressure, but to show that you can make a difference for your baby, even with formula feeding.

[breezydoesit]

manamanah anything but hipp is offensive? No wonder the OP feels as bad as she does if that's how people describe formula milk. It's milk, not poison

[RougeEtNoir]

This was me with DS 9 years ago and oh, wouldn't you know, again with DD 5 years ago. I won't bore you with the details of my trials and tribulations but what I think is important is to say that I look back and wish I'd not spent those precious first few weeks and monthd so wrapped up in my obsessive quest to make breastfeeding work at all costs, goddamit! I vowed after the first time that whilst I'd try my best 2nd time around, I wouldn't beat myself up if I had problems. But I did, worse probably as I didn't manage it for as long (despite being hooked up to an industrial double pumping machine for most of the day).. I wish I could turn the clock back and chill out a bit and just enjoy the delicious new babies! (don't get me wrong - I did, hugely, but there was always the guilt).

I didn't listen to myself 2nd time around, but I hope you can take it on board. You've done your best. You are feeding your baby. Just snuggle up and enjoy!

It seems so unimportant to me now but it was everything at the time. Mine wolfed down chilli and tacos for dinner tonight (though they wouldn't eat the guacamole, the buggers!) and it all seems like a lifetime ago.

For what it's worth, I used Aptamil - subjective, but I personally found it had less of a strong smell than some of the others.

[manamanah]

Breezy what an odd, out of context, apparently intentional misinterpretation of a post. Must be hard work being you. I was referring to the smell. OP mentioned that she thought they smelled unpleasant. I was saying I found hipp less offensive than the others

[jorahmormont]

A very very gentle YABU here.

Formula is fab. DD has thrived on it. I can count on one hand (three fingers, to be precise) the amount of times she's been poorly since she was born (and she's almost two and has been in full time nursery since she was 5 months old). Anecdotally I know of BF babies who've been in and out of hospital with one bug or another. It's really not a guarantee of health.

It's also no guarantee of intellect. I was FF from 9 days old; I've just graduated with a first class degree. DD is developmentally ahead. All of these factors are influenced far more by other aspects of how you raise her, rather than the milk you give her for the first months of her life.

We used Cow&Gate and never had any issues with the smell at all, and babies won't turn their noses up. As long as they're getting food in their bellies they're happy

[Euripidesralph]

OP I'm another saying please don't beat yourself up , I completely understand the hormones I'm 7 weeks pp with ds 2, who was 5 weeks early and spent two weeks in special care.... The expressing and feeding schedule in there is brutal and it's tough as he'll bringing them home , give yourself a break

Listen my 3 year old ds1 spent no time in special care was mixed fed from week 2 and is the brightest healthiest (boisterous , worms in the pocket esque) child ever , I've been lucky and am able to beat feed ds2 even after special care but that's what it was ... luck
The stars aligned but honestly all that matters is they are both fed ..... you are a good mother the fact you are researching and thinking about it so whatever decision choice you make it will be the right one

There are misguided over zealous bf advocates and misguided over zealous ff advocates ..... what is right is what is right for you and your child no more no less

When ds1 went to full formula I cried for a week (I was so uninformed i didn't know how to keep him breastfeeding ) but looking at him now it just doesn't matter I promise

Cry by all means , rail and swear and then move on ..... your baby has a loving mother and will be fed and happy and healthy and that's all that ultimately matters

[PacificDogwod]

Please repost this in the feeding topic.

YANBU to feel whatever you are feeling.

YABU if you think that feeding your DD formula will do her any harm, but you may be harming yourself by continuing to beat yourself up, so please stop.

Continue mix-feeding if you want, stop BFing if you want or get all the help you need to continue EBFing, but do NOT put this pressure on you that one is 'better' in some absolute way

FWIW I have bottle-fed, EBF and mix-fed my 4 DSs (including preemie DS2 who was born at 31 weeks and who got expressed BF+FF for a few months) and I cannot tell the difference between who was fed how now that they are no longer babies.

Will your 16 year old DD care how you once fed her?? No, she won't.
Please be very kind to yourself

[Chuggsbugs]

I can totally understand your feelings and think some of the responses here have been harsh and lack any empathy.

If you proceed with formula that is a perfectly valid way to feed your little one. If you feel it's too late regarding breastfeeding, it truly is not too late at all - you can continue if that is what you wish to do. You'll just need a little support from a lactation consultant / breastfeeding counsellor.

Congratulations on the birth of your little one btw! You have had a very stressful start so be gentle on yourself. Sounds like you're already doing an amazing job!

[Brummiegirl15]

I'm another in the same situation. I have a 3 wk old DD who was 6 wks prem and I was on the TCU.

She was too young and tiny for breastfeeding so she was tube fed and I expressed. Agree with pp that the feeding and expressing regime is brutal.

Came home and she just couldn't cope with breast feeding, would struggle and get frustrated and upset or she's fall asleep on the boob and take nothing.

In the end she started losing weight and the midwives very kindly and firmly told me that now was the time to use bottles and switch to formula and if I could, continue expressing.

I'm upset I haven't fed her myself but the guilt I felt for my poor baby losing weight far outweighs the guilt of FF. She won't care anyway!

It's not poison and the only thing that matters is that your baby is fed and putting weight on. And if that's FF, then so be it.

But I'm in the same position as you and I do understand

[minifingerz]

I think the fact that 9/10ths of the posts here encourage the OP to use formula and give up on breastfeeding before she gives any details about what sort of help and support she's had to overcome her feeding problems says volumes about the value people place on breastfeeding (pretty much none) in the UK, despite the apparently appalling pressure to do it.

OP - have you seen a lactation consultant?

One day I'll post a 'my baby isn't getting on with formula and I feel so upset about it' and see if 95% of the posts that follow tell me that it doesn't matter and that I can just relactate and breastfeed instead! Hurrah!

[OfaFrenchmind2]

And right here is one of the consequences of the ridiculously fanatic side of the BF movement. While you have quite a lot of BF advocates that are truly lovely and understanding, you have some that will not flinch in the face of a stressed out mother and thinning baby and tell them to persevere trying to get a baby that cannot latch on the boob or trying to express whatever meagre BM they have at the cost of their mental and physical health.
Congratulation OP for your little one! Enjoy them, rejoice, and give the whatever they need to be correctly fed. They also need to have a mother that is in peace, able to give them a relaxed and loving environment to grow in. Formula may smell bad, but babies do not care, they just care about not being hungry and having happy parents that can dedicate themselves to cuddles, kisses, and not how much ml of BM they are able to produce.

[Only1scoop]

Ofa

Quite