To feel so awful that my newborn is going to have to have formula

[Givinguph0pe]

Dd was born by c section six weeks early and I wanted to breast feed. However a stay in hospital and the fact I was so stressed about how much milk she was having meant that I swapped to expressing and bottle feeding fairly quickly.
However because I've been so stressed and hardly eating anything (now weigh a stone and a half less than I did pre pregnancy) means that although I'm expressing every three hours I'm not making enough milk for her and she's eating more.

The thought of putting her on formula breaks my heart. I know a lot of babies are ill with you first switch them over and I can't stand the thought of her being ill again. Also I wanted her to have the antibodies from my milk as her immune system must still be vulnerable. She's not quite three weeks old. I have some milk frozen to last maybe another week and then that's it. She will have to have some formula and it will be something else I've let her down on.

The formula smells disgusting too. I keep imagining her little face when she tastes it and realises it isn't breast milk. How do any of them drink it?

Aibu to be so upset about this?

[eatingworms]

I applaud you Mini you talk absolute sense.

[Focusfocus]

How's it going op? Remember lots of us are thinking of you.

[minifingerz]

"Or to carry on breastfeeding minifingerz"

No - that's exactly the point I'm making.

Feeding decisions have to be the mother's.

[Givinguph0pe]

Hi
Thanks to all those who have messaged me to say they are thinking of me.
I have had contact with the perinatal mental health team but I'm still struggling. I've been prescribed anti depressants but dh doesn't want me to take them whilst I'm still expressing.
The breast feeding support lady advised me to stop expressing and put dd on formula. She said she couldn't in all good conscience advise anything else as I'm so tired and run down.
However I can't bring myself to do it so I'm still expressing. I love dd so much but at the same time I really regret having her as my life is now a thousand times more difficult and I'm not able to do anything with ds. My house is a tip and I will never be able to catch up with everything that needs doing. We waited so long for her and it all just feels like a big disaster.

[AbbyCadabby]

My son is 5, so only a tiny bit younger than yours, and my daughter is a few months old, so near enough the same gap as you - he utterly adores her, his life is better now she is here. Get past the first few weeks when babies don't do much, and when she is more interactive, and he will be bowled over.
The house can be messy, overlook that! Or get some help in.
Is your husband not home yet?

And have you looked into Human Milk for Human Babies? A great alternative to formula. Where are you based? I'd donate if you were close.

[BeaufortBelle]

Oh love. This us about you, not your DH. I have been where you are. Thinking of you. I'd neck the anti depressants and switch to formula. I felt better once I switched physically and it meant I could handle all the other stuff. Do what assures you get more rest and everything else will get more manageable and then more enjoyable. Your baby has had a fabulous start and your determination has given her that. You deserve a better time now. If I'm close enough pm me and I'll come and do some gentle tidying and help you with some bottles. I think I told you where I live xx. Free until 4 ish and before 11.30 tomorrow x

[Pyjamaramadrama]

Hi giving.

My ds1 is 7 and I have a baby and really struggled. It's only really the past couple of months I've started to find it easier. I did the whole expressing for a bit but gave up quite quickly as it was never ending and I still beat myself for up not bf. So I truly sympathise with you. I can't pretend, ds took a while to settle with formula we had to try a couple of different brands. But he's 7 months now, eating solids and so much better.

How old is your dd now? Remember you've given her so much wonderful breast milk already. Your health is so important too.

Your children love you and need you and this difficult time will pass, whatever happens with the feeding.

[Givinguph0pe]

Dd is 4 weeks today.
The formula doesn't seem to have upset her but she's only having one or two bottles of it a day at most.
I know it's mainly because I'm so tired but I feel so sad and low. Bloody In laws are coming this afternoon too, I don't need it. Anything apart from feeding and expressing feels too much. Even cooking dinner or reading with ds. I wish I could just go away and leave it all behind. I don't want to do it anymore.
Dh home now but makes very little difference to be honest.

[coconutpie]

You can still take ADs while breastfeeding. Wendy Jones is a pharmacist who specialises in breastfeeding. You can message her and have a read of her factsheets to see if the ADs you were given are compatible with breastfeeding:

www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk

[bumbleymummy]

Sorry to hear you're still feeling so down. :(

Some antids are ok while breastfeeding so check with your GP and then you can decide if you want to start taking them.

Your DH needs to start pulling his weight with dinners, cleaning and helping look after your DS! Maybe your PIL can help out this afternoon? The first few weeks are so tough. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[bumbleymummy]

Sorry cross post with coconut - great link.

[Pyjamaramadrama]

Four weeks of breast milk even mixed feeding is amazing you know that? You've given her a brilliant start.

Expressing is so hard because you've got to do that and still feed the baby. You're still recovering yourself.

Been there with visitors, if I could rewind I'd tell them that unless they're going to hoover, hang out washing and make my tea then don't bother. At the very least take yourself off for a nap while they're there. Don't feel guilty, don't worry what they'll think, you are important right now.

So easy to say but try not to worry about the house aside from the bare essentials. Cooking, well if you have to all live on beans on toast and sandwiches for a while you'll all survive.

Have you tried nipple shields for her latching back on? I imagine you can't even think about it at the moment.

[SauvignonPlonker]

for you, OP.

I suggest you have a lie-down when your PIL's are here that way you can avoid them

I'm sorry your DH feels that way about anti-D's. It would be better if he prioritised your mental health over breastmilk.

Maybe reduce the expressing as an initial step if it seems too much to stop altogether? It will also help avoid engorgement/mastitis if you cut down slowly.

Be kind to yourself xx

(Ps I have been there too with the expressing/premature/non-latching baby. Making the decision & giving myself permission to stop were so hard).

again

[Jaboo65]

I rarely ever post but I really feel for you. I can tell how low you are feeling by your last couple of posts.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, that is completely up to you. I do feel however that as mums we are way too hard on ourselves. It's so easy to feel like a complete failure and that our children would be better off without us. It's no surprise really as you are constantly under scrutiny from the moment the test turns positive.

In my opinion as long as your babies/ children are loved, fed, warm, and happy then everything else just falls into place somehow.

There will be plenty of bad days/ weeks/ months to come but they will be broken up by moments where you feel loved like you have finally 'got it'. It's those days where you feel like 'super mum'. Embrace those moments, they get you through the rough patches.

[Pyjamaramadrama]

I second jaboo. You probably feel torn apart with everyone's opinions.

What stands you is that you have had a really difficult time. You care very much about your two lovely dc. You've given both of your dc a brilliant start, you got nothing to feel bad about and everything to feel proud of.

[PacificDogwod]

I've been prescribed anti depressants but dh doesn't want me to take them whilst I'm still expressing.

Giving, have you told anybody from the perinatal MH team that this is what your H's opinion is? And that he is putting you under pressure to not take them??
I am sure that both of you want what is best for your DD, but sabotaging your MH is NOT best for her or you.

It sounds to me that it is very important to you to keep BFing and the support should be there for you to help you to feed as long and as much as you wish. Many a mother with PND or other MH issues has found it very important to keep doing what is a priority to them, so facilitating BFing can be a way to support a woman's recovery from a perinatal MH problem.

The Breastfeeding Network link is an excellent one - evidence based advice on what medication is and is not safe to use when BFing; not just some kind of nebulous "I don't want you to take anything that could go through to the baby".

None of us here can diagnose you with anything or give you medical advice, but you must be free to follow the advice your RL HCPs give you - please talk to them AND listen to them.



Why does it not make much of a difference when your H is at home? He cannot BF for you, but he can hold/comfort/carry/change/walk her in her pram and any number of other things to allow you to rest/sleep. He can also entertain his parents when they visit and play host to them.

[PacificDogwod]

BFing and perinatal MH

ADs and BFing

Let your H read these.

[bumbleymummy]

Good post Pacific. I think pushing someone to ff when they don't want to can be as damaging as pushing someone to BF when they don't want to.

[Pyjamaramadrama]

From personal experience if bf means a lot to the op she needs to be supported to do so.

[PacificDogwod]

It's a decision for Giving to make and those looking after her to support.
And there are many, many ways a husband or other family members can support that choice.
What Giving will do and what the right thing to do is for her has nothing to do with our experiences of how we fed our children or what our opinions of BFing/FFing are.
It is my impression that how strongly Giving is feeling on the subject is part of how difficult things are for her currently.

Giving, this needs saying: you will not always feel the way your are feeling right now. You WILL get better. You ARE already a good mother.
Your job right now is to find a way to keep on keeping on (trite but true) and whichever way to feed your baby is a small part in that.
[pint of Guiness]