To feel so awful that my newborn is going to have to have formula

[Givinguph0pe]

Dd was born by c section six weeks early and I wanted to breast feed. However a stay in hospital and the fact I was so stressed about how much milk she was having meant that I swapped to expressing and bottle feeding fairly quickly.
However because I've been so stressed and hardly eating anything (now weigh a stone and a half less than I did pre pregnancy) means that although I'm expressing every three hours I'm not making enough milk for her and she's eating more.

The thought of putting her on formula breaks my heart. I know a lot of babies are ill with you first switch them over and I can't stand the thought of her being ill again. Also I wanted her to have the antibodies from my milk as her immune system must still be vulnerable. She's not quite three weeks old. I have some milk frozen to last maybe another week and then that's it. She will have to have some formula and it will be something else I've let her down on.

The formula smells disgusting too. I keep imagining her little face when she tastes it and realises it isn't breast milk. How do any of them drink it?

Aibu to be so upset about this?

[GlitteringJasper]

And I'm sorry if my responses are quite short, it's just my baby dd had quite a bad accident this week and it really helps put things in perspective. Angst over BF or ff really in nothing in the great scheme of things and the whole well being of a child.

[KP86]

Have skimmed but not read all the posts, but if you are keen to continue breastfeeding, have you sought the assistance of a lactation consultant to get your baby to latch properly? It can take a couple of months to sort out. My son was 9 weeks when he finally got it, and until then I was expressing like a mad person.

BTW, there is nothing wrong with formula. Prepared properly, it is a perfectly safe and healthy alternative to breast milk. As another poster said, once they reach 3 or 4yo, you will not be able to tell who was BF and who was FF out of your daughter and her friends. Even as a baby the only reason you know is you see parents feeding!

[goodnightdarthvader1]

GlitteringJasper Give it a rest. This isn't the "Concerned Parent" Olympics. As a new mum, having just given birth, with all the hormones flowing, it's very easy to get caught up in the guilt-ridden "breast is best" movement. Every decision you make for your baby seems like a huge deal. Have some sympathy.

[WhetherOrNot]

No-one looking at my son now would know that for 3 weeks he was breastfed, then was found to be lactose intolerant and was switched to soya formula. He has an IQ of 126, has a good job, and is getting married soon. He is 31. I defy anyone to tell me they 'know' he didn't get the best!!!

[purplefizz26]

What do you think formula is going to do ?! It is not poison and your post is a little insulting to mums who FF.

Your baby will not be disgusted or realise it isn't breastmilk.

[EndothermicVertebrate]

You haven't let your baby, or anyone else, down at all.

I switched my DD to formula after 2 weeks struggling to bf following a less than ideal birth.

11 years later she is a strapping, healthy, funny, affectionate teenager and we are as close as any mother or daughter you can imagine.

Do what you need to do. Feeding is just a tiny part of parenting - really not worth the angst.

It might be an idea to have a chat with your midwife/HV too, as the phrase 'let her down' reminds me of how I felt when I had PND.

[Heatherplant]

The pressure to BF is immense so I get why you feel the way you do but please try not to let it get to you. My little guy was BF and my little nephew was FF (similar circumstances to yourself) both babies are doing fine and you can't tell the difference. You've not let her down at all.

[smileyfacestar]

You are not letting your baby down but you are causing unnecessary stress! There is nothing wrong with formula. Millions of babies thrive on it (as did mine). I wish there wasn't such an issue with it.

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

I know they are often frowned upon but if you want to continue breast feeding have you tried nipple shields? Babies who have been used to a bottle often take well to a nipple shield.

[RivieraKid]

Just chiming in as someone else who was on formula from the word go - she'll be fine.

It sounds as though you're very wobbly in general, which is only to be expected. I hope your C section wasn't traumatic but you say it was 6 weeks early - how are you feeling about the birth? You say you've been hardly eating anything and this is 'something else' you've let her down on - are there other things going on here that are contributing to how bad you feel? Most importantly, do you have good support at home as you're feeling this vulnerable and stressed?

Congratulations on your daughter

[justneedsomehandholding]

OP about 20 years ago I felt guilty and sad because I failed to give my slightly premmy son the best possible start in life because I couldn't carry on breastfeeding. I was wracked with hormones and guilt and worried so much.

That tiny baby is now 6ft, heading for a first, clever, sporty, fit, funny, and as adorable as he was then. I told him once about the breastfeeding stuff and apologised. He almost spit tea across the room and told me I was an oaf. He said he'd had a lovely childhood and life and now, at uni, really appreciated everything he'd had. His education, his support, his comforts, his home cooked food, his love, his sister, coming home.

Children don't remember sections and breast feeding. They remember love and the things that make childhoods special. The first goal, the first nativity, the first graze, the first day at school, learning to ride a bike and to swim, the occcasional really fabulous family holiday. They remember the laughs and the fun and the fact that their mum (and dad) made it all possible and was there for the ups and made the downs better just because they were there.

Good luck. I'm sorry you have both had a tough start and I hope someone is loving and caring for you as well as you are doing for your children.

Oh, and both mine were fine when they switched to formula.

[justneedsomehandholding]

Lest it all sounds too perfect he was a little from about 15-19 - rude, argumentative, etc., and he and his sister have never let me forget the day I lost it and flung a box of Cornflakes across the kitchen. When we moved last year (x years on) there were still little bits of cornflake on top of the kitchen cabinet .

[yankeecandle4]

YANBU. Very similar circs, dc born prematurely and I was distraught that I wasn't producing enough milk damn those who insist every woman produces enough to exclusively feed her EBM. In the end the consultant neonatologist came to have a "quiet word" with me as I was so upset. He said that breast milk is best bla bla bla, but it really wasn't worth the upset I was putting myself through (I was forcing myself to eat a tin of sardines every day so that my BM would be rich in omega 3, 6 and 9) I am so glad he did that as it gave me "permission" to formula feed. DD was great, I was great, end of.

Enjoy your new baby OP, congratulations!

[WhatWouldTheDoctorDo]

OP, another kind YABU here. DS just refused to latch on from the off which was very distressing for me. I expressed (but struggled) to express enough. I mixed fed for around 6 weeks before switching to formula full time. It was totally fine and the most important thing was that he was fed. FWIW, DS is a very healthy 7 year old and has very rarely picked up the usual bugs and colds that go round nurseries and schools. In fact, chicken pox aside I can count on one hand twice the number of days he's missed school/nursery because he was ill.

[Husbanddoestheironing]

You are bound to feel upset, it's so difficult those first few weeks, but please try and rationalise a bit too- most of my generation were brought up on formula, it was the 'right thing' to do then, and it's way better now than it was back in the 60s. My DSD was formula fed too and she's never had more than a minor illness in her life (she's an adult now). Be kind to yourself and enjoy the cuddles anyway

[JaWellNoFine]

Sorry. But people who are so pro breastfeeding that they make others people feel like they are failures is an major issue. I experienced this and am not going to pretend that it is harmless and just a bit of support.

And not all woman who breastfeed judge and demean those who don't. So it was never aimed at those who breastfeed. Just those who consider themselves to be better mothers because they are able to breastfeed.

[Bumpsadaisie]

A kind YABU. Breastfeeding doesn't work for everyone and there are so many reasons why not, none of them related to how much you love your baby or how hard you've tried!

Its the same thing as GCSE results. When you do them at 16 they are the be all and end all. Fast forward 5 years or more and no-one gives them a second thought. Most people can hardly remember what subjects they did and what grades they got!

Its similar with feeding infants. At the time its a massive thing. But in a years time your DD will be eating 3 meals a day and snacks, perhaps having a bottle morning and night, and milk feeding, whether BF or FF, will be a distant memory. You'll kick yourself for worrying about it so much.

[Sometimesithinkimbonkers]

I had a poorly baby too. He was failure to thrive and had no suck reflex. He was tube fed and I but EBM down his tube, it wasn't enough. He needed calories I couldn't give! Over time we taught him to use a bottle and weaned him off the tube.
I cried every time I gave him formula and I used to feel really really embarrassed getting bottles out of my bag.
It's normal to feel like this!
I fed my eldest and youngest until they both self weaned at 16 months.
It felt wrong!
He has a gastrostomy now as even at 6 he can't live without the extra calories!
Don't worry it does get easier.... Just look at your beautiful baby and think you have done all you can .... And you have ! You didn't fail .... Circumstances failed!!!
Good luck xxxx

[Jux]

Very similar thing ahppened to me when dd was born. The GUILT I felt, shame and misery! Completely out of proportion. I understand, I really do.

Dd is 16. She has a great immune system, she is one of the brightest children in her year. She is on the sofa now, with her boyfriend. She not in any way compromised by my failure to bf her.

Formula was great. It meant dh could feed her, so could mum and mil. I think that really helped them all to feel really involved.

Please don't beat yourself up, it's not your fault. She will be fine, she had some breast milk early on, that's great. She will be your lovely beautiful baby and however she is fed, the thing that matters is she isn't hungry and she gains weight.

[Only1scoop]

Yabu

It's not actually poison it's bloody amazing.

Aptamil not arsenic etc.

[QuickQuickSloe]

Congratulations! You sound like you have had a really tough time.

Did you have an image in your head of a certain kind of birth and then breast feeding but circumstances changed?

It can be really hard to deal with these changes especially when the hormones are RAGING.

If breast feeding doesn't work out then formula is certainly a safe and healthy way to feed her.

A bizarre natural way to boost milk supply is to eat fenugreek if you want to try that.

Your daughter is loved, worried about, cared for and has all her needs met by you. You are doing well!

[MaccaPaccaismyNemesis]

It's formula not poison. View it as food for your baby- where it comes from doesn't matter! DS was formula fed, happy with it and I was no longer an exhausted, weepy mess. Or, indeed, formula allowed me to be a better mum.

[ColinFirthsGirth]

To the posters that have said that the Op is being insulting to formula feeders - stop being so defensive. This isn't about you! The op is no doubt hormonal and tired. It is understandable as a new mum to worry that you are not doing well enough. Have some empathy for her! She is in an emotional and difficult situation. I can well understand her concerns, she isn't trying to insult others.

[BackforGood]

That's why people have bitten their tongues and been very kind and gentle, not saying what they'd have said if someone had posted without the information about being unwell / shattered.