DP and I thought it would be nice to take both mine and his kids away on a holiday to America. My son is 15 and his sons are 18 and 20.
First issue we had was that in the past his ex has said she didn't want him taking them on holidays abroad "showing off" his money etc etc (she doesn't work and apart from that, doesn't like the hassle of going abroad). So for the past 6 years, his kids have no been abroad.
Well his kids are now adults so we decided to take them abroad if they wanted to go and there would be little she could do about it.
Well she managed to talk SS1 out of the first destination we had planned. However, now that it has changed to New York he says he definitely wants to come however, naturally she is refusing to pay for passports and his kids don't work so we said we'd buy the passports. Now, apparently DSS does not use a mobile phone, WhatsApp or any means of normal communication (bullshit) so DP has to rely on facebook messaging to contact him - which 99% of the time, DSS ignores.
Now we're waiting to book flights but really need to passports sorting first. DP said he'd give the money to DSS and he could sort them out. No reply. A day later he said he could transfer the money into his mother's account for them to sort it out from there - no reply. Finally, DP sent a message asking if they just want us to sort it all out - no fucking reply.
It's just ridiculous. This lad ignores all messages from DP unless he wants something. He says he wants to come on this holiday yet ignores every message about sorting the passports despite the fact that we've now offered to pay for them AND organise them. Meanwhile, we're hanging around like idiots not knowing whether to book flights or not.
I said to DP "do you not think it's a bit rude for him to ignore you like this when we're trying to sort out a holiday for him??" and he thinks the sun shines out of his arse and says "no he's not ignoring me, he just doesn't use facebook much". Bullshit - he logged in an hour ago, those messages have been sat there for days plus, he knows DP is trying to sort this out so surely he'd have the sense to check his messages even if he genuinely didn't use facebook much? and to say he has no mobile or other means of contact?? at 20 years old??
I'm just so frustrated. How is it so difficult to book a holiday with what is essentially, a group of adults??
AIBU?
To be furious at the messing around we're having regarding taking his kids on a holiday???
SpiderStardust · 12/01/2016 10:28
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This is winding me up just reading about it, you must be an angel SpiderStardust .
I'd say it's perfectly reasonable for YOU to send him a message saying you are booking the flights on such and such a day, and to let you know if he is still coming or else you will take it that he doesn't want to.
I don't see how you DP can have a problem with this, as long as you keep it polite 
There's no way you're DS should miss out on his holiday just to accommodate your DP's disrespectful DS.
I feel for your elder DSS, actually. Sounds as if he's stuck between both parents and possibly getting some heavy pressure from his DM not to go on holidays etc with his DF. Yes, I understand he's an adult now as everyone else has said - but that doesn't make him automatically able to disengage from his DM and whatever emotional pressure she's putting on him! As if it's that easy for any of us 
The rigid contact arrangements are absolutely ridiculous though, and it's crazy that your DP panders to such tomfoolery - though I can understand why. He loves his boys and is scared stiff of losing them. I have sympathy for him too. But it's a shame this has to have the effect of making it painfully, obviously clear to all concerned that the boys' mother is still firmly in charge of their relationship with their father.
Having said all that, it seems fairly clear that at this point, your elder DSS does not want to go on holiday with you all. Even if this is more because of pressure from his DM than his own feelings, I'm not sure what your DP can really do about that, from where he's sitting. Your DP knows this - that's why he gets upset/defensive when you try and talk to him about it all.
I'm answer to your immediate question: I think you need to book and go on holiday without your DSS I'm afraid. If they were going to come, they'd have shown more interest by now.
Tbh it sounds like there are way bigger issues behind the scenes then your holiday and maybe it's time you questioned your future with your partner altogether.
You can't change him or their relationships, all you can do is change your reactions to it all. Like it or lump it, he's still a package deal with potentially damaged kids from a separation even if they're not toddlers anymore.
However I would say I'm always a bit at anyone who says "it's all the ex's fault, she's just crazy!" They had a life of some sort together before you were around and who knows how he contributed to either her being the way she is, or the kids being the way they are.
Stop being angry at your DSS and the Ex and focus on the one you're in a relationship with.
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