Is anyone else on MN an only child? Does it bother you much if you are one?

[MotherHen680]

I'm an only. I've always been a bit wistful about not having siblings, and I think it bothers me more than it should. Apart from the practical advantages that come with having siblings, including having another family member to lean on when you're in a crisis, looking out for each other, and being able to share the burden when a parent dies, I don't really understand the logic in choosing to only have one child. I don't actually know anyone in real life who's an only, apart from me.

Jeez Marilyn I realise you are quoting your mother, but that's quite an extreme point of view, don't you think?

I'm an only. Growing up it was great, could be a bit lonely (I was bullied and didn't have many friends) but I've always liked my own company so it was fine. And I was the 'only' grandchild (my older cousins live quite far away) for a long time, so got loads of attention when I wanted it. Then, in my late teens, my Dad buggered off and left DM and I with huge financial burdens. DM is still depressed and struggling, and I find it hard to support her on my own all the time. I do, of course, but sometimes I wish there were two of me. They did try to have another but I was a bit of a miracle baby so it wasn't to be.

I don't have any cousins my age, either. I'm slap bang in the middle, with 6 years between me and my youngest-oldest cousin, and even more between me and the oldest-youngest (if that makes sense!).

My DH has a sister who is nearly 10yrs older than him, so he says he felt like an only child growing up, but doesn't now. She has DC so our DD has cousins. I'm planning on another child one day soon, if we can.

Being an only child worked for me, but being an only adult child can be hard.

My son will be an only (unless a miracle happens) I would have loved more for him rather than for me as he makes me happier than I have ever been. But I do take comfort that there are a lot more onlies now in his generation than in mine so should make it easier for him not to feel left out. And I think parents of onlies who would have liked to have had more are really conscious about giving their child all the possibilities to socialise etc which also helps as there is always people around to organise play dates / days out with etc.

I'm an only child and I don't mind it at all. It's just completely normal to me so I've never had any thoughts or feelings about it TBH.

As a child it was quite lonely at times but as an adult I'm glad I don't have siblings.

DH has a brother and a sister and hates them both for various reasons. Their relationships are awkward but they feel that they have to keep in touch for their parents' sake. I'm glad I don't have any other adults in my life I feel forced to maintain a relationship with just because you grew up in the same house. Then you add to the mix that both his sister and brother have a child each, it just adds to the politics.

On the other hand, it is a huge burden being the only person there to support my mum as she gets older. She's also a single parent, which means I really am the only one she's got. That's an enormous pressure, especially at Christmas when I don't feel particularly free to do my own thing.

I'm an only, and my parents were both onlys too (dear father has passed away), so no aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews or nieces.

I had a very happy care free normal childhood. Lots of friends, lots of independence.

Since being an adult however i have felt the weight of my mothers expectations of me to 'be there' through her old age since long before she was actually old. Now she IS old i've no one to share that burden with, mentally or physically. The guilt trip was well and truly laid and i've never felt able to do the things in life i'd have liked to have done like emigrate.

I've got 4 DCs. I'm making sure they never feel obliged to live their lives ''keeping me in mind''.

I was an only and like StillDrSeth grew up in a low income family - I was really happy with great parents, but we really had it tough financially.

I have a DS who is an only and he has a great life, with loads of friends and hobbies and we can afford holidays etc as there are only 3 of us.

I did get all the care decisions with my parents, but I've noticed that in all families there is one child who gets all the responsibility while others don't get involved. To that end I'm glad I don't have to answer to others for my decisions!

''Nothing I have seen of various sibling relationships has made me want one!''

... to quote a pp up-thread, and i agree with this. I've known loads of people as good as estranged from their siblings by the time they reach mid-life. I've also seen first hand how it's often one sibling who ends up doing the lions share of the staying nearby and caring for the parents.

None the less it's hard to define the feeling of being the 'only one' once you're an adult though

Only child with aging parents: Maybe it's a bit like being a single parent? Yes, it's perfectly possible to be happy, yes, when you look at the grief some people give out you can say you're well out of it; but there are so many occasions when you just wish the buck didn't stop with you every.single.time.

the parents yearn for a second child (or more) and don't think about the impact on their existing child or children at all.

this was what my own mother failed to see. A new baby every two years and the older ones were pushed out. With so many there was so little money to spare. Often were hungry. I remember my Gran not my mother had to buy my first bras because mother had too many children that she couldn't afford to keep us or be there for us emotionally. We were squished into a tiny one bedroom flat at one point. 8 of us in a 1 bed flat.

I would rather be in a position to clothe and feed one child than give my one child lots of siblings and be raising them in poverty and unable to meet all their emotional needs.

I am an only child of and only child. My DM had a brother but he disappeared so has never really been part of my life.
I never felt lonely as a child - me and my mum had a great relationship as I grew up and I was confident to chat with adults and in adult company. I am still pretty self sufficient and independent.

I learnt that family is about more than DNA. I am very close to my godparents and their children, and when I lost my dad last year (a year after my mum suffered an huge, life changing brain injury) it was them who rallied round.

My DD is likely to be an only too. I will make sure she is surrounded by good friends who love her and us - those we have chosen to have in her life, rather than those who are simply there by quirk of DNA.

Lots and lots of assumptions on this thread...

If you have a sibling they'll be your ally in childhood
If you have a sibling they'll be the person to support you in adulthood
Parents will be a shared burden for siblings

I have siblings (who I get along fine with) but none of the above is true for me.

Happy only child here. Never felt the need for a sibling. Great relationship with my parents. I have wonderful friends, and a decent enough extended family. Don't know what being lonely feels like.

It will be utter shit when my parents die, because they are my parents and I adore them. However I know there will be lots of people sho will rally round.

DH is one of 5, DM of 3, and Ddad of 4. The sibling relationships range from getting on well but only seeing each other once every few years, to NC (must do an aibu about my uncle one of these days)

I have never seen the sibling relationship yet that I have been jealous of, or that has made me feel I missed out. It's lovely to see siblings that are good friends of course, but I have good friends too. I don't need to be jealous.

I am not an only but was for 7 years. Love my sister to bits but we are at different stages in life and are not "close" in so many words (though we do have a nice time when we get together.)

Mine are 2 years apart and seeing them play together and their bond, I have real sense that their childhood is very different from mine. In our house now, there are 2 parents, and then there are 2 children. They hang out together (of course they want us to be around and on hand, but the default is they hang out together). Whereas in my original family it was much more of a threesome, me, mum and dad hanging out together.

My parents and in-laws are also from sibling sets with wide age gaps, and both of them comment on how different it is to have a sibling close in age.

I'm an only; I loved it as a child, wasn't lonely and had an amazing childhood, but as an adult I really wish I had a sibling. It's the lack of shared history and full parental responsibility things that make me feel it the most. I also think that experiencing some childhood sibling bickering can be a good thing - DP jokes that I'm a fussy beggar because I always got my own way but joking aside, I am almost pathologically conflict-avoidant, I really don't deal with it well at all as I never had much practice.

I know there are no guarantees about getting on and all that, but the vast majority of people I know do get on with their siblings. I have two cousins (also onlies) who both grew up in the same small town and are both brilliant, but it's not really the same. I think about it a fair bit and would never have an only child myself by choice.

I envy the relationship that DP has with his brother (in a nice way, not a bitter way!). He doesn't live near us and they don't live in each other's pockets by any means but they adore each other and are very 'easy' and funny when together.

I am and I've always loved it although as DM (lifelong single mum) gets older I do sometimes wish our family was bigger than two. It's not so much sharing the burden as it is someone who remembers a shared life. Although if we're wishing I'd rather have a dad than a sibling.

I have a best friend I've had since birth and a cousin with whom I am very close so that's nice

I have many siblings, but it will be me looking after my mum as she ages, me sorting the care, the nursing through illness and death, the funeral. I know this because I have already been through it with my dad. There are no guarantees.

I do like the fact that I can laugh with my sibs about our crazy childhood, but then we all have a very different perspective on it. Memory is very selective and personal actually.
I have an only, and he will stay an only. This makes me sad because he wanted a brother so badly, but it is what it is.
All families are different, and there is no general rule or formula for happy secure people.
You play the hand you have been dealt.

That's nice to hear heyhey, speaking as a single mum ☺
I like to think my dc has the sibling type bickering in his life, as we bicker and laugh all the time, which I think comes from being a little unit of two (and me being terribly immature )

I'm an only and I suspect it - or rather our family dynamic - was really good for me at some points in my life, and really shit at others. No cousins either, or family friends with children.

So when I was little I think my parents were great with me and I had lots of positive attention - mum taught me to read very young, did lots of stuff like den building and potato printing and that kind of thing. All the stuff I feel guilty for not having time to do with my two preschoolers now. When I was in primary school I had my own friends, and also neighbourhood kids I could knock about with.

But as I got older it started getting more difficult. By around 9 I wanted my own interests and they weren't interested in encouraging them, apart from one lesson a week. Weekends were spent with me in my room a lot, reading or playing by myself. Family holidays were spent on static caravan parks in bits of countryside where my mum and dad could pursue their hobby - I always liked the bigger parks best as there would be other kids to play with, my parents always liked the most remote sites with just one caravan in a field. One year we went to Cornwall and I body boarded every day, it was my best holiday ever. My parents hated it because even though the beaches were beautiful they weren't so great for the particular thing they wanted to do there. We never went back.

We hardly ever went to a theme park or family attraction, and I never had anyone to play with at them anyway. Things like a trip to an ice rink, cinema, or pool with flumes happened with friends and their parents, not mine. I look now at my distinctly unbiddable children and I can't imagine making them just fall in with stuff that they hated doing in all their free time, or sticking them in a corner with a book. Our free time now is primarily about making fun for them, and DH and I enjoy it along the way.

By my mid teens I had made some close friends at school and basically spent every available weekend at their house whenever homework allowed. During my 20s I had very little regular involvement from my parents. Now I'm a parent they're more involved in my life again, and as we spend more time together I'm starting to notice it becoming difficult again. But I know if I wasn't an only I wouldn't have had the education I had (it was a struggle for one, would've been impossible for two), wouldn't have gone the uni I did, and my life would likely be very different.

If I had only has one child I wouldn't necessarily think it a bad thing, but I would work very hard on making some big changes from my childhood. As it happens the decision was made for us!

I'm a bit of both. Was an only for 13 years then my mum got pregnant with my sister. Nice to have an extra person and we get on well now but raised completely differently and until she was 16 or so had very little in common. She thinks I'm old (36 ).

I wouldn't be without her but don't necessarily have any shared experiences until she was mid to late teens and beyond.

From what you've said, snow it seems that your childhood was the product of your parents' attitude to childrearing rather than you being an only child. Do you think they would have parented differently with a second child?

I'm an only and I hate it. I've never had children either, both my parents are dead and it's bloody hard.

I think to a certain extent they might have had to Compo. It is probably easy enough to get one bored but fundamentally well behaved child to drag around the 70th archaeology site or trainspotting expedition or whatever that week, but with two, once it stops being fun the two will likely start making mischief together, which either means the kids are having more fun or the boring adult stuff has to stop!

I have a sister and we're close. Not in your pocket close, as we live in separate parts of the country and we don't even talk weekly as we're both busy. We can call each other up whenever we need. Not to say we don't disagree with stuff (and fought as teenagers) but I love her a lot and do miss living near her. I always thought I'd have two close in age, but struggling so much with my first pregnancy I'm really not sure I can ever envisage doing this twice. Still, hopefully my sister will have babies soon so there'll be cousins of a similar age.

I have a brother but the thought of trying to work together as a team to do anything for my parents in old age or when they pass away makes me very nervous, we are so different, I can't imagine us agreeing on anything. It would be easier to be 'burdened' alone to be honest.

I guess it is one of thosegreat unkowables, snow but we were similarly dragged around historic battlesites during school holidays with both of us bored to tears. Misbehaviour would have been dealt with via smacked legs.

If you are a similar age to me (mid 30s) we probably grew up in less childcentric times. Even when I went on less dull but worthy holidays with my grandparents (static caravan in Rhyl) there was no expectation that children would be entertained. Most evenings would be sat outside the social club with the adults Inside. Every couple of hours someone would come out with a bottle of pip and crisps.

YY to that compo
This stands out to me : "I can't imagine making them just fall in with stuff that they hated doing in all their free time, or sticking them in a corner with a book. Our free time now is primarily about making fun for them, and DH and I enjoy it along the way."
In some ways, learning to put up with stuff that isn't for you is very good for the character! I went through a phase where I felt like all my free time was about kids stuff, and it really got me down. I have friends whose every moment away from work is "family time, complete with endless outings for children who are activitied up to the eyeballs and i wonder if a bit of aimless boredom might not stand them in better stead in the long run, as well as making the parents less exhausted.
I don't think your childhood was an only child thing, just, as compo says, less child centred times.
It probably was often harder for onlies back then when they had to "fall in " with adult plans, than if you have siblings to kick about with though.