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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was My Colleague Totally U? I think She was..

464 replies

CaptainCrunch · 09/01/2016 15:59

Hi everyone,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am a Learning Assistant in a Primary School, we returned on Wednesday for an inservice day. There were 2 boxes of chocolates wrapped up on the staff room table with a card in a sealed envelope on top marked "To support staff".

We went off and did some training and came back for our break to see that the one of the boxes had been opened, almost completely finished and our card opened too, the envelope scrunched up beside it.

We were a bit annoyed as the teaching staff have form for horsing all the goodies before any support staff can get near it (they take their breaks before us).

With the agreement of my colleagues I wrote this note on the staff room whiteboard:

"Hi, just to say the chocs were specifically for support staff..we have no problem sharing them, but would have preferred to open the card and gift ourselves" and signed it from all the support staff.

The next day I walked into my class and a box of chocs was on my desk, turns out it was my class teacher who had opened them.

She was absolutely horrible to me and said "I'm really pissed off about that note, I've replaced the chocolates". This was in a very nasty, abrupt tone.

I said it wasn't about the chocolates it was because it was clearly marked to us and had been opened without our consent.

She then said "Well, I didn't read the envelope properly, I thought it said to ALL staff...there's a ridiculous divide between the support staff and teaching and shit like this doesn't help".

I was really stunned. We get on well together and I really admire her but I thought this was completely uncalled for.

She is correct in that there is a bit of a divide...mainly because a lot of the teaching staff treat us like second class citizens, some can barely bring themselves to say "good morning".

I'm not going to let it affect our professional relationship, but she's really gone down in my estimation and it's left a bad taste.

Am I being U to let this bug me so much?

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 09/01/2016 16:41

"Well, I didn't read the envelope properly, I thought it said to ALL staff...there's a ridiculous divide between the support staff and teaching and shit like this doesn't help"

I would probably write on the notice board 'Support staff are running reading classes for teaching staff who can't read the notes saying that the chocolates are for SUPPORT STAFF'. Lol.'

Original poster
CaptainCrunch · 09/01/2016 16:43

I can't speak for the HT and why she gave us "separate" chocolates. She gave the teaching staff stuff as well, bloody loads of it. Which they ate/drank and left us nothing.

Now we apparently can't even hang on to our "own" stuff and aren't allowed to express the fact that we're unhappy about it.

As for calling meetings, time is at an absolute premium in a primary school. Most of the support staff finish either before the end of the day or when the final bell goes. There is simply no opportunity to get together and discuss anything.

OP posts:
PreAdvent13610 · 09/01/2016 16:43

It was your teacher who replaced the chocolates because she probably recognised your hand writing. I doubt she ate almost a whole box on her own.
Either you are very lucky with the teacher you work with OR she knows your are childishly whingey.

manicinsomniac · 09/01/2016 16:43

Difficult. The teacher was wrong to open the chocolates but I would have found the PA note on the whiteboard very passive aggressive so I think you were both being unreasonable.

If I didn't know who'd done it I would have just casually raised it in the next staff meeting. Something like, 'look, no biggie, it was only a box of chocolates but as support staff we were a bit put out not to open a card and present particularly addressed to us. You probably didn't look at the envelope closely but as a group we're feeling there's a bit of a divide and things like this don't help.'

It's telling that you refer to 'they' and 'us' though. I teach in a school with almost no support staff so the 2 or 3 that we do have have no choice but to mix properly. You wouldn't know who was who. However, we have the exact same problem between teaching and domestic staff. 'They' think 'we' think we're superior (and to be fair I think some staff do act like that) and there's a definite lack of unity. You can see it at end of term functions - all academic staff at one end of the room and domestic/maintenance at the other. Really sad.

Marshy · 09/01/2016 16:44

I get that midnight but the grown up thing to do would be to have a conversation about it....either "oi you lot, stop troughing all the goodies before the rest of get a chance" or, where that kind of conversation isn't the done thing, then put it on the staff meeting agenda.

Passive aggressive notes only make things worse as has proven to be the case here

AgentProvocateur · 09/01/2016 16:45

It sounds like a petty and childish work environment. I'm glad I don't work there.

Original poster
CaptainCrunch · 09/01/2016 16:46

Support staff do NOT go to the staff meetings, there is no opportunity to discuss anything face to face.

PreAdvent, what a nasty post.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainCrunch · 09/01/2016 16:46

And I never thought for a minute she ate the whole box on her own, she admitted to opening them and sharing them amongst the teaching staff.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 09/01/2016 16:47

YWNBU
It's rude to open things that are not for you. (And if it could be for anybody, you look carefully first!)
They have form.
You have been Put In Your Place by the response, very definitely.
I'd find it hard to stay in that kind of atmosphere.

emotionsecho · 09/01/2016 16:47

It sounds to me like it's a case of 'the straw that broke the camel's back' as far as the Support Staff are concerned hence the note and, personally, I can see nothing wrong with the wording of the note at all.

It's easy to suggest a conversation, but who with? Should the support staff have gone round each and every teacher? That would have come across as childish.

The teacher saying she didn't read the envelope of the card properly is a poor defence. The Head Teacher no doubt bought them for the Support Staff because she felt they miss out on gifts and chocolates given to the teachers by parents.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 09/01/2016 16:48

Well if you want things to change for you as a team of support staff you will have to nake time for a meeting.

Don't you have a termly meeting for support staff?

Original poster
CaptainCrunch · 09/01/2016 16:48

Thanks Bluetrew. I am looking for something else. Ive been there a few years now and it's going down the pan.

OP posts:
AnneTwacky · 09/01/2016 16:48

I'm guessing what's happened here is that various things have happened in the past that have made the support staff feel overlooked. To try try and rectify this the headteacher bought them some chocs. When they were eaten by the teaching staff, the feeling of being unappreciated intensified, which is why the OP wrote the note. Not the most productive way to deal with it but I can understand the frustration that led to it.
Glad the teacher replaced the chocolates, although I would have apologised instead of moaning, if I was her.

Tbh I think I would let it go now as it looks like it could descend into an almightly PA battle of wills and that doesn't make for a good place to work.

Wombatinabathhat · 09/01/2016 16:49

As there were 2 boxes and only 1 was opened, could there have been a box for support staff and a box for teachers?

EndothermicVertebrate · 09/01/2016 16:49

If your headteacher is leaving gifts for individual groups of staff they need a kick up the backside as they are not helping matters.

Tbh, your place of work sounds horrific. I work in a similar environment and they is certainly a bit of 'them and us' between departments, but thankfully it doesn't extend to the staff room to any great extent.

If I were you I'd consider looking for another job as once this kind of thing is entrenched it never improves.

Marshy · 09/01/2016 16:49

Well maybe that's something you need to bring up with the HT then op because that's a rubbish way of running things and no wonder there are all these seething resentmentso over chocolates when you don't get a chance to air things as a group.

manicinsomniac · 09/01/2016 16:49

sorry, it was a cross post about the staff meetings.

That's pretty poor in itself though - great way to divide groups of staff. Some aren't even invited to the staff meetings ... nice!

EndothermicVertebrate · 09/01/2016 16:50

x-post - wise move OP, good luck!

TheClacksAreDown · 09/01/2016 16:50

You're hardly helping the situation - read your posts back - it is littered with "them" and "us" yet you're putting all the onus on everyone else to fix this.

Original poster
CaptainCrunch · 09/01/2016 16:50

We haven't had a meeting for months. The Business Manager has been on long term sick leave (she chairs it) and a lot of us are part time (in on different days) it's very difficult to get everyone around at the same time.

And emotionsecho, you have understood what I meant, thank you for that.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/01/2016 16:51

Totally irrelevant to the issue, but when I did some volunteering at my child's school I was really taken aback at the amount of communal chocolates and cakes that the staff scoffed their way through. If I was a teacher there I'd be putting on stones. Sounds like it's fairly widespread in school staff culture.

Original poster
CaptainCrunch · 09/01/2016 16:52

I am writing "them" and "us" as shorthand for "support" and "teaching" staff, no other reason.

OP posts:
Narp · 09/01/2016 16:52

Agree manic and Marshy

Horrible to work in an environment where staff are divided and don't feel valued

Marshy · 09/01/2016 16:53

Cross post from me also. Not being invited to staff meetings is poor.

I hope you are all managing to teach the children to be a bit more assertive than this!

sykadelic · 09/01/2016 16:54

Someone took something that was specifically for other people. No-one knew who ate them so you wrote a note so they knew they'd done wrong.

While your note was polite and I think you only meant it as a "heads up", you can see from the replies that others took it badly.

I too would be surprised by your teachers reaction, but you don't know what happened at her end (outside of the note). You don't know whether others saw her eating them and mocked her because of the note, or whether she thought you knew and were picking on her for it (bullying). You also don't know if it was simply the note and that she took it the same as others on this post.

I personally would have been mortified and apologized, but again from this thread, you can see not everyone feels the same.

I would talk to your teacher again though and tell her you didn't mean it to insult her and that the support staff were upset because it happens a lot. I would talk to her about the divide and how you all agree. Perhaps she has some insights, or perhaps you can give her some from the POV of the support staff. I'd start with not taking lunch in different groups and try and break it up differently.