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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More of a 'help me be reasonable' (14yo DD related)

32 replies

LilaTheTiger · 08/01/2016 14:37

14yo DD has been off school for the last 4 days with a very painful sore throat, temperature and generally feeling awful.

She stayed at her dads last night and I was expecting her to go to school today. She hasn't, ok, still ill.

She's now text me and says she feels better. Can she go out for the afternoon tomorrow, spend sat night at her dad's with her friend and Sunday day out.

I'm thinking NO WAY. But I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable.

The actual plan for this weekend was to paint her bedroom anyway, and she has to clear it up a bit to enable this.

Stick to my instinct and say no? Because 1. She's been ill and need to rest before school next week and 2. We already had plans?

Or give in for a quiet weekend and no sulking teenager ?

OP posts:

goodnightdarthvader1 · 08/01/2016 14:39

I would say no for the reasons you mentioned. But I'm a hard ass

Original poster

LilaTheTiger · 08/01/2016 14:43

I try not to be too hard ass. She's a good kid when she is not being very 14 . But meh...

I'll await a consensus

OP posts:

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 08/01/2016 14:48

You could say yes if she cleans her room first?
Could be like a test, if she's well enough to do a good job, she's well enough to go out with her friend.
Disclaimer: my eldest dc is 8 so I may be being far too soft on a 14 year old.

FauxFox · 08/01/2016 14:50

I would say yes as long as she comes home tonight/tomorrow morning to clean her room ready for painting.

Original poster

LilaTheTiger · 08/01/2016 14:55

She's definitely home tonight, so that's a good idea

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 08/01/2016 15:06

I'd be no way!
She's been off school for four days. She wasn't well enough this morning but now suddenly feels better now it's the weekend.
Absolutely not.

Morecheesegrommet · 08/01/2016 15:10

Sick kids get better - that's what usually happens....
Unless she has a track record of faking illness to avoid school, I would take her at her word and let her go out as long as her room is sorted and home work done.

Original poster

LilaTheTiger · 08/01/2016 15:11

This was my initial reaction.

I've just said I'll think about it.

OP posts:

AppleSetsSail · 08/01/2016 15:12

I'd facilitate gentle social engagements but nothing strenuous. I'd be ruthless only if I suspected feigning illness, which is clearly not the case.

She's probably got cabin fever, poor girl. Glad she's on the mend.

Original poster

LilaTheTiger · 08/01/2016 15:12

Yes. I don't want to punish her for being ill. She wasn't faking btw. I'm not daft

OP posts:

Morecheesegrommet · 08/01/2016 15:13

The "we'll punish her - just in case!" approach seems crazy unless there is history.

Original poster

LilaTheTiger · 08/01/2016 15:19

I do try and be fair. I'm struggling a bit. I was grounded pretty much from 14 til I left at 17 for pretty much everything I said and did, so my parents were not useful examples. According to DP and his mum he was bloody perfect so that doesn't really help either.

OP posts:

lexlees · 08/01/2016 15:22

I would say no to Saturday and yes for only part of sunday (i.e., be home by 3)

Original poster

LilaTheTiger · 08/01/2016 15:26

My thinking is ok to the sleepover, but pick up in the morning Sunday to sort room out after I've painted on Saturday.

OP posts:

TeenAndTween · 08/01/2016 15:31

If she's been poorly enough to be off school all week, she needs a quiet-ish Saturday at least to recharge her batteries really.

Now she's better, she also needs to catch up on any homework set this week...

diddl · 08/01/2016 15:34

Is she supposed to be painting with you or just clearing up?

Surely if she's well enough to get her room ready for you to paint then she's well enough to be out & about?

I think yes to tomorrow afternoon if she's done what needs doing. OK to staying over, but not a whole day out on Sunday.

Jessbow · 08/01/2016 15:35

compromise, come home Sunday morning, say 11ish, get ready for school next day, some down time before she's back at school next day, reasonably early night etc etc

limitedperiodonly · 08/01/2016 16:48

As she's been so ill, I wouldn't make her tidy her room ready for painting. I'd just leave her to rest and do it next week.

In this case, I'd let her do what she wants, because you're only 14 once and she's probably got a fun offer.

But I'd remind her that if she was too tired to go to school on Monday, she'd be going anyway. And then I'd ask her what she really wanted to do...

goodnightdarthvader1 · 08/01/2016 16:51

limited, you'd not have her tidy her room so that she can rest, but let her go out which is not resting?

VimFuego101 · 08/01/2016 17:03

I would say OK as long as the room was cleared up, but I would expect her to be up and ready and well to go to school on Monday.

AuntMabel · 08/01/2016 17:13

I own an (almost) 14yo too. If she'd been sick enough to be off school for 4 days I'd have her at home where I could keep an eye on her recuperation. My DD would probably become unwell again if I didn't pull the "Because I said so." card. My opinion is probably muddied by the fact that for some reason she and most of her peers think coats in the rain and freezing temperatures are optional. I am so old and sensible.

"...you're only 14 once" well, there are 51 other Saturday's she can pop out with her chums when she hasn't missed the best part of the first week of the new school term due to illness aren't there.

limitedperiodonly · 08/01/2016 17:41

That's about the size of it darth.

If she was so ill I probably wouldn't have wanted her to go to her dad's. But I don't know what the family dynamics are. Maybe she was feeling better - she might have been because OP said she expected her to go to school today.

At 14, you sometimes get more appealing options than tidying your room ready for painting. I'd tell her she could go ahead and do it and we'd paint next weekend.

But I'd also say: 'Do not even think of saying on Monday that you're too tired to go to school. Now do you want to go out and have fun, or do you want to have a quiet weekend at home and we WILL do the painting next weekend. Your choice.'

goodnightdarthvader1 · 08/01/2016 17:45

At 14, you sometimes get more appealing options than tidying your room ready for painting.

Well, of course, but at 14 you're also capable of understanding that chores have to be done, and if you want your room painted, you have to contribute and not expect mum to do it all. It's not like she's a little girl!

limitedperiodonly · 08/01/2016 17:48

"...you're only 14 once" well, there are 51 other Saturday's she can pop out with her chums when she hasn't missed the best part of the first week of the new school term due to illness aren't there.

AuntMabel it's not being soft. It's presenting a very young adult with the options and the consequences and giving them a choice, within limits.

If she chooses a weekend with her mates over resting and feels like shit on Monday, fine. That's what adults have to do. Meanwhile the chore of tidying and painting looms next weekend.

It doesn't work for everyone. But it works for me.

Saxons · 08/01/2016 17:56

I'd say tidy room and go out for the afternoon. Sleep at home to aid recovery. Don't over stretch commitments as she may feel ill again.

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