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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Awkward mum threesome? Wwyd

80 replies

Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 11:13

I am friendly with a mum and she is friendly with me and another mum. The problem is that the other mum is constantly unkind to me and makes a lot, and I mean a lot, of unwelcome comments - about me, my DD, my home etc etc. I have not said anything to anyone - don't want to be bitchy- but resolved to breezily avoid her. Unfortunately the friend I do like is keen to bring us together as a threesome, and will make arrangements with me and then invite her. Do I say something directly? Or just cry off once I have found out she's invited? I am not great friends with the mum I like, IE not anywhere near the point of being able to speak completely frankly, but certainly enjoy her company.

OP posts:
MoMoTy · 08/01/2016 11:15

What types of things does she say? When she does it, challenge her or question her further in front of the friend you like so she can see for herself.

antimatter · 08/01/2016 11:15

regardless you should just reply to unkind comments in MN style: "What do you mean?"
OR
"Did you mean to be rude to me"

GeraldineFangedVagine · 08/01/2016 11:17

I thought this was going to be a COMPLETELY different thread! Grin

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/01/2016 11:17

Anyone who made those comments to me would not be welcome at a get together.

Tell your friend you find the other woman difficult and why you don't want to spend time in her company.

Pobspits · 08/01/2016 11:19

Tbh if she's overtly rude Id challenge her on it but also Id question why the other (non rude) mum didn't notice it and didn't say anything because in that situation I would Be put right off someone being so horrible.

InTheBox · 08/01/2016 11:21

What sort of things does she say? I can't imagine a grown adult woman making explicitly unkind comments about a child, your state of home etc. Unless she takes a passive aggressive approach to it? Even still you need to pull her up on it every single time.

Original poster
Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 11:21

Yes I'm amazed that nice mum puts up with it at all because she makes those comments to her as well, although less of them... It's difficult to quote them but they are always a little sly and makes you feel bad about whatever it is she is talking about but you feel silly asking for clarification if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 11:22

It's jokey little comments and face pulling mainly... I just wouldn't choose to be anywhere near her

OP posts:
londonrach · 08/01/2016 11:23

Glad im not the only one geraldine...

Original poster
Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 11:23

London, Geraldine, I see what you mean now! Grin

OP posts:
Joolsy · 08/01/2016 11:24

Oh how pathetic! Sounds like she is extremely jealous of you. I'd go along to the next get together and maybe say something innocent, in front of the other mum, like "excuse me, do you have a problem?"

Original poster
Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 11:25

Still staying- I would like to do that!

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheLane · 08/01/2016 11:26

Just ask your nice friend to do things which YOU arrange and when she arranges things ask outright "Is x coming?" and if she says yes, say "I think Ill give it a miss."

No need to explain why. If she presses, then tell her "I find her negative." and don't be pushed on it.

DragAct · 08/01/2016 11:27

I never get the 'Oh, I didn't say anything because I don't want to be bitchy' approach. It seems like a fundamental misunderstanding of what bitchiness is. OP, there is nothing remotely bitchy about taking a polite but direct approach with the other woman who makes remarks you don't like. A simply 'What do you mean?', as someone else suggested, is a good place to start. It's non-aggressive but assertive, and does not give anyone ammunition for thinking you are starting a fight, while giving the other person a chance to rethink or retract. Start with that, and/or tell your friend you don't want to spend time with the other woman, and would prefer to see her alone.

Original poster
Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 11:28

I wonder if that is it joolsy - if not jealous, perhaps competitive? Not that I give a monkeys about this kind of thing but she certainly seems concerned about her own house size / profession Al level/ attainment of her DD/ success of her dh. I'm no great shakes in any of these but maybe she sees me as close competition, I'm not sure. I genuinely don't care about being better than others, would quite like happy kids and money left over in the budget for a camping hol!

OP posts:
DragAct · 08/01/2016 11:28

And yes, I did also think this was about a lesbian threesome who had met at the school gate, and things had gone wrong in bed...Grin

MoMoTy · 08/01/2016 11:28

That's why when she does say something you say, 'can You explain further what you mean by that'. Or when she pulls a face ask her if something is wrong? Put her on the spot and hopefully she feels ashamed enough.

Original poster
Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 11:29

The house- that sounds good

OP posts:
Original poster
Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 11:30

Momo I think I'd lose my cool if I did that, that's the problem.

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 08/01/2016 11:31

Next time your nice friend mentions that unkind mum is invited to something, it's not too hard to say "I know she's a friend of yours but I really can't warm to her, so I'd prefer it if it was just you and me.", is it? If she quizzes you about what you mean, keep it vague and un-catty ("She's just not my type" or similar). I can't think this would damage your friendship.

Original poster
Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 11:34

The prob is, is nice mum says- ooo not caught up in a while how about we do xxx and then day of day before there will be a group fb message to the 3 of us conforming plans, which means I feel awkward pulling out last min with a fib

OP posts:
kissmethere · 08/01/2016 11:38

Ooh avoid and tell your friend how you feel. I really don't have time for those kind of people. She's making herself feel better about herself by putting you down, ie she's a bully.

DragAct · 08/01/2016 11:38

Say it directly to her face to face that you would prefer to see her one on one without the other woman present. Then she won't keep inviting her, surely?

AppleSetsSail · 08/01/2016 11:41

You need to have a word with nice mom pronto and tell her you don't wish to be involved in plans with mean mom any further.

Is it possible that mean mom is jealous of your (fledgling?) friendship with nice mom?

reni2 · 08/01/2016 11:42

I expected this to be a lot less... vanilla Grin

I think you need to stop awkward mum in her tracks. Just say "That's a bit harsh/ an unkind thing to say/ could be seen as judgemental" if she says something terrible again.