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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Awkward mum threesome? Wwyd

80 replies

Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 11:13

I am friendly with a mum and she is friendly with me and another mum. The problem is that the other mum is constantly unkind to me and makes a lot, and I mean a lot, of unwelcome comments - about me, my DD, my home etc etc. I have not said anything to anyone - don't want to be bitchy- but resolved to breezily avoid her. Unfortunately the friend I do like is keen to bring us together as a threesome, and will make arrangements with me and then invite her. Do I say something directly? Or just cry off once I have found out she's invited? I am not great friends with the mum I like, IE not anywhere near the point of being able to speak completely frankly, but certainly enjoy her company.

OP posts:

reni2 · 08/01/2016 11:43

Alternatively, tell nice mum not to invite awkward mum because she says unpleasant things, surely nice mum knows that anyway?

AppleSetsSail · 08/01/2016 11:46

Just say "That's a bit harsh/ an unkind thing to say/ could be seen as judgemental" if she says something terrible again.

I love this and wish I were enough of a grown up to say it.

dreich · 08/01/2016 11:48

Yes you certainly need to sort out those tensions in your threesome if you want it to develop further should have checked which part of the board I was on before posting

WeAllHaveWings · 08/01/2016 11:50

I would try another couple of days out and start using the "what do you mean?"/"that's a bit unkind" tactic, then if it doesn't work your friend mum will hopefully have noticed and will understand when you tell her you'd rather it was just the two of you in the future.

roundaboutthetown · 08/01/2016 11:57

There is always the possibility the nice mum is doing it deliberately because she can't understand why you two don't like each other and thinks it's a misunderstanding that could be cleared up if you got to know each other better. After all, if she gets the same comments but tolerates it, she obviously sees something in this woman that you have missed! I think coming up with excuses at the last minute is just going to backfire on you. I think you need to say something to your friend to explain why you would rather not meet up as a threesome.

VocationalGoat · 08/01/2016 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SevenOfNineTrue · 08/01/2016 12:11

If she asks you to get together as a three I'd say "Better not, after all the rude comments she makes at me and the faces she pulls, it is clear she dislikes me. Let's just keep it you a me."

Pumpkinpositive · 08/01/2016 12:17

This thread is totally not what I was expecting.

Original poster

Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 12:23

Haha I totally did not see the innuendo when I wrote that! I think I'm going to have to say something... I think mean mum has got into a bit of competition with me over nice mum! Has told me when she's having meet ups with nice mum, pointedly not invited me, really made me cry I'm embarrassed to say! Hate this kind of thing. Mean mum is a pain.

OP posts:

PitPatKitKat · 08/01/2016 12:23

Couple of things occur to me...maybe "nasty" mum just wants to be one on one friends with "nice" mum, and she is equally uncomfortable with a three? Hence the sarky comments. In which case just say to nice mum you think "two's company, three's a crowd" and you'd be happier just keeping to to the two of you.

If nice mum insists on a three when the other two of you aren't comfortable, I'd back away from altogether. Some people prefer friendship groups than having one on one friendships, some people don't.

Also, be open to the slight possibility that nice mum isn't as nice as you think and is bitching about you behind your back to nasty mum, and nasty mum isn't as good at hiding it. If there is any hint of someone wanting to be a queen bee of a group then run!

tobysmum77 · 08/01/2016 12:29

Just tell her that you don't like mum 3 and let her make up her own mind. If she won't meet up alone then ditch her. As you say she's only a potential friend not someone you're close friends work.

tobysmum77 · 08/01/2016 12:30

with

amarmai · 08/01/2016 12:34

Hi,op, i find this sort of insult disguised as a joke a little bit hard to decipher on the spot-admit i take longer processing due to crossed wires in the brain. However once i realised the pattern as to how i felt-put down- after these sallies , i disengaged and felt glad.

2rebecca · 08/01/2016 12:36

I agree with others re making it clear to nice mum that you don't like her friend and don't wish to go to events involving her. If she wants to socialise with the other woman she can do so but make it clear you don't want any more threesomes.
Agree that I'd ditch her if she refuses to meet up without snide mum. If nice mum enjoys the company of snide mum she'd maybe not that nice anyway.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 08/01/2016 12:39

Invite nice mum to your house then she can't invite the other mum as its your turf.

wheresthebeach · 08/01/2016 12:40

...will raise myself out of the gutter and try to engage with the actual topic of the thread...ahem.

Suggest you say to 'nice' friend that the other woman isn't really 'my cup of tea' so next time can we meet up 'just the two of us?'

You know...an exclusive relationship!

futureme · 08/01/2016 12:49

Another one expecting something more er interesting.

Original poster

Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 12:50

Yes out of the gutter!

Thinking maybe best to have distance from both as noted the raised eye brows and long looks are going to nice mum who doesn't seem to mind! Maybe not so nice as I think. God it's like being back at school myself!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 12:51

Hard to make friends as an adult eh

rueful

OP posts:

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/01/2016 12:52

dear friend
please stop inviting friend B along to everything, she spends the whole time making rude and personal comments- I don't want to see her. understand?

simples!

wheresthebeach · 08/01/2016 12:52

Just dusting myself off...

Oh yes...if they are sharing 'jokes' at your expense then time to run a mile.

Original poster

Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 12:53

Yes I think so... Bit upsetting but life is too short, right

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 08/01/2016 12:54

Certainly avoid meeting just the two of them. But in a larger gathering I don't think you need to turn down an invitation just because she's there. I think you should say to the friend you like that you don't really enjoy being in x's company so won't be coming to any more events where it's just the three of you. And this person can't be that nice if she let's it go when somebody else makes nasty comments.

Original poster

Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 13:08

That is true... And she certainly doesn't remark on them or anything , just carries on... But has told me she doesn't like to be on the receiving end

OP posts:

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 08/01/2016 13:14

It's hard to make friends as adults, but I think this is a make or break point with the nice mum.
The bitchy one is probably jealous of you, so I'd keep away from her and if the nice one insists on a "3-some" I'd phase her out too.
Sorry, but life is short for passive-agressive games and worrying about people we don't want to be with.

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