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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Awkward mum threesome? Wwyd

80 replies

Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 11:13

I am friendly with a mum and she is friendly with me and another mum. The problem is that the other mum is constantly unkind to me and makes a lot, and I mean a lot, of unwelcome comments - about me, my DD, my home etc etc. I have not said anything to anyone - don't want to be bitchy- but resolved to breezily avoid her. Unfortunately the friend I do like is keen to bring us together as a threesome, and will make arrangements with me and then invite her. Do I say something directly? Or just cry off once I have found out she's invited? I am not great friends with the mum I like, IE not anywhere near the point of being able to speak completely frankly, but certainly enjoy her company.

OP posts:

roaringfire · 08/01/2016 13:18

I'd be frank with and go with the 'I find her negative comment' next time you are invited.

Next time she says something rude (to either of you), say lightheartedly, 'I'm sure you didn't mean it so, but that came across as rude / unkind /'.

amarmai · 08/01/2016 13:28

thats why she wants you there,op= she doesnt want to be on the receiving end=not a friend.

PiglettWithAttitude · 08/01/2016 13:30

She wins if you back off completely, which is what she wants, she is pettily jealous of your relationship with nice mum and probably knows nice mum prefers you because you are not a bitch.

Honestly, like is too short for this nonsense. Decline her invitations and invite just nice mum, saying 'please don't invite mean mum, I don't find her very kind'. In no way does that make you look bad at all.

Hate women like mean mum - I used to have one if my life and managed to phase her out.

roaringfire · 08/01/2016 13:32

BTW, is the fact they are mums relevant - are they just not women??

londonrach · 08/01/2016 13:35

Please mntters with reading ths one and the yogs im laughing too much and not getting my bathroom clean..

Agree with others sal re saying something lighthearted or phasing her out. At least next time you see her you remember this thread and smile about the gutter thinking mntters....

Aeroflotgirl · 08/01/2016 13:36

I would be straight and honest with nice mum, that this woman is unkind to you and that you don't want anything to do with her, please when we meet up, do t bring her along. If she does make your excuses and leave, or be accidently busy.

SeaMagic · 08/01/2016 13:38

Saluna I can completely identify with your situation because I also find myself in a similar predicament with a school gate Mum 'threesome'.

My nemesis is also a little sly, makes vaguely judgemental, competitive comments and wants to control social interactions, for example she will organise a night out and leave me out of the arrangements until the last minute [or not tell me at all]. Fine, she can do what she wants but what really gets my goat is she then wants to tell me all about how she and 'nice' Mum went for coffee or out for drinks together and what a great time they had.

Which is all well and good and I would prefer just to leave the two of them to it. But 'nice' Mum and I get on really well together and I would like to do more things with her alone... but 'nice' Mum always invites 'competitive' Mum to things. And I was pissed off when we had a little Christmas party organised with our kids... 'nice' Mum invited 'competitive' Mum and I thought okay I will now have to get a little present for her kids as well as 'nice' Mum's... and I did because I didn't want her kids to feel left out. But 'competitive' Mum turned up with only presents for 'nice' Mum's kids and for me the cluck struck thirteen. She knew my kids were also going to be there and without an ounce of apology or shame announced that she had a couple of presents for 'nice kid 1 & 2'... and that was that

I now want nothing to do with her. It is not the only time she has left my children out of something, and they have noticed, this was the last straw. Life's too short for spending time with people like that.

So I empathise OP and I would let your friend know that you would prefer to just meet up with her in future without 'negative' friend. I will be going the same.

xmasseason · 08/01/2016 13:44

There isn't any need to criticise the negative mum. Just tell nice mum that you don't really get on with her.

Original poster

Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 13:46

Sea magic, that is exactly exactly what this mean mum is like!!! It's awful because it's so pa and I don't want my dd to notice- life is too short. Ditch ditch ditch. I'm going to be upfront with nice mum as pp have suggested and if she wants to hang out with me - I consciously don't want to hurt anyone and would never behave like this idiot- she can.

Righteous fist pump.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/01/2016 13:47

Oh OP, I do feel for you but really I would have to say something to "nice" mum friend about it. If she has already said that she doesn't like "mean" mum's snidey comments, then use that as an introduction of the topic - but get it out there that you'd rather not keep company with "mean" mum as she upsets you.

It may mean you see less of "nice" mum as well, as she may be a fence-sitter, or able to take the snidey comments more on the chin - but that's a risk you'll have to take. I certainly agree that I couldn't be doing with someone who constantly has little digs at you and yours, that would be upsetting and very very wearing.

mum2mum99 · 08/01/2016 13:56

No hope for a threesome OP .
Thought school gates were getting a bit raunchy nowadays...

toffeeboffin · 08/01/2016 13:59

All girl threesomes just don't work.

Tried it a few times - just doesn't work - the dynamic is always off.

ZaZathecat · 08/01/2016 14:08

I would say to the 'nice' woman something like "I know x's cutting comments and looks wash over you but I'm a bit sensitive and they upset me, so I'd rather not meet up as a threesome".

AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2016 14:13

I had a similar coworker so I didn't have the chance to really exclude her. Whenever she made a 'remark' I responded "Sorry, I didn't get that, what did you say?" to try and make her repeat it. She'd either say "Oh nothing" or if she did repeat it I'd either say 'Really?' with a cocked eyebrow or I'd just give her a then turn away. I found that people who say things like that just want to fire their 'bullet' and don't like having to repeat their comments, it shines too much light on them. She stopped after while.

2rebecca · 08/01/2016 14:14

I'd never describe myself as !a bit sensitive" to me that's code for hard work and prickly. You're not sensitive just unwilling to be insulted and bullied.

MNHQ

BeccaMumsnet · 08/01/2016 14:17

You lot are filthy

All the best to you OP!

ZaZathecat · 08/01/2016 14:18

It was supposed to be tactful 2rebecca!

roaringfire · 08/01/2016 14:40

seamagic what a cruel woman!

Original poster

Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 14:55

Thanks becca!

I'm feeling a lot more empowered. Life is too short , right

OP posts:

BillBrysonsBeard · 08/01/2016 15:36

Life is definitely too short to put up with this! Sometime we can get caught up with social niceities and what people think of us. But when you think of the big picture... This is YOUR life and there is someone in it who make you feel shit and who you don't like anyway. You have the power to not have these people in your life! Have a word with nice mum, I think she will be alright with wanting to keep things seperate.. but on the off chance she isn't, then maybe not worth having after all then.

BillBrysonsBeard · 08/01/2016 15:36

Too many Thens there

Original poster

Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 19:11

That's all right then bill

Your right. Thanks and I feel a lot better

OP posts:

SeaMagic · 08/01/2016 21:19

Agreed Bill.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/01/2016 02:09

. Mum threesome.
How old is the mean mum. 12. I think she thinks she's still playing house. The daft bitch.

I agree about challenging her.

Narp · 09/01/2016 07:48

Totally agree with all comments, especially Thumbwitches

AS time has gone on I see less of school mum friends because I don't like many of the dynamics that happen when it's more than one other person . Life is too short to feel worse after social interaction than better

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