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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make BIL stick to the agreement?

137 replies

DisappointedOne · 07/01/2016 18:45

DH has just turned 40. We usually have a celebration of big birthdays in the summer because nobody can be arsed at this time of year. Rather than a party, which he definitely doesn't want, I've arranged a surprise weekend for him and his 3 brothers. It's a specific thing that's only on for that weekend, and I checked with them
all that they were free for it last spring. All confirmed they were and I bought the tickets in April 2015 (ie 16 months in advance).

Now, of course, I knew something might come up at the last minute that might prevent one of them from making it. It's come up in conversation today that one of them has been invited to a wedding abroad that's on the same weekend. He's trying to find a way to do both, but in reality it will mean he makes 1 day of the thing rather than 3. Surely knowing that he would be away with his brothers that weekend he should turn down the wedding invite. Angry

AIBU to be annoyed? WIBU to point out that he agreed to this first, and that his brother should take priority here?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/01/2016 19:27

He'll readily cough up the cash then?

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 19:30

I'll get it out of him, yes.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 08/01/2016 19:31

as a family they make zero effort

That's how they are as a family, I can see why you are having problems if you are trying to make them something they are not. Not your place to try to change that.

Get your money back and leave it to your dh to make (or not) plans with his brothers in the future.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 19:34

Yes, DH is responsible for arranging anything to do with his family now. (That's why they haven't seen us since August.)

Can't really get him to organise his own surprise weekend though!

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 08/01/2016 19:39

No, but knowing his brothers you could have arranged a surprise weekend away with you instead.

DontMindMe1 · 08/01/2016 19:44

i'd be pissed off at the situation too. however, applying any pressure or guilt trips on bil is just going to make things more awkward in the future.

i'd just accept that some people don't have that kind of relationship with their siblings/family - for whatever reason - and step back from making the effort to change that. that's something for dh and bil to deal with.

if it were any other occasion i would see it as bil being a dick, but as it's a wedding abroad, personally i'd be more understanding. i know i'd choose the wedding over the weekend even though i really wanted to go to weekend as well. i'd be feeling pretty bad it anyway and digs from others wouldn't make it any better.

concentrate on the ones who are going for the whole weekend and get all your money back from bil - use it for his replacement. then enjoy the weekend Smile

then it's up to your bil to 'make up' to dh for it Grin

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 19:47

I just did almost a week for us for his actual birthday Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 19:48

then enjoy the weekend

I will - I'm not going! Grin

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 08/01/2016 19:50

he's got to pay and then never arrange anything with him ever again.

LittleBeautyBelle · 08/01/2016 20:06

Thanks for giving more details, OP. I do think it is strange that the other brothers make a big deal out of their own birthdays but not your dh's. That hints at deeper issues regarding closeness.

But with that said, the brothers are acting true to form.

They've never bothered about dh's birthday before and that hasn't changed in spite of them giving you a show of being interested this time; you still did all the work of planning, paying, researching, booking, everything in fact.

They've so far invested 0% beyond what they probably considered a casual conversation on their part.

No wonder one of them is not respecting the commitment you consider stone solid and they consider an abstract concept in the distance, and the wedding that actually means something to the one brother will naturally to him be the priority. I think the fear now is that the other brothers will begin dropping out one by one until dh is the only one left going on his own birthday trip. And that would be a sad surprise.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 23/01/2016 15:45

Update - the other brothers have been asking him what's happening for the past couple of weeks with no reply. One has got stroppy with him today and he's admitted to booking to go away for the wedding for longer than DH's weekend. At what point he thought he might deign to tell us I don't know. Brothers not happy. He's paid for his ticket though. Whoop-di-do. Am resisting the temptation to rip him a new one. Angry

Ah well, hope he's not expecting anything special for his in a few years.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/01/2016 15:59

At least you've got the money off him, I didn't think he'd cough it up.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 23/01/2016 16:02

Doesn't cover the accommodation though.

Or the fact that he's a twat.

OP posts:
Evabeaversprotege · 23/01/2016 18:14

Can someone else go in his place? Their father or a BIL perhaps?

nutellacrumpet · 23/01/2016 18:32

Birthdays happen every year... weddings are once in a lifetime. I think YABU.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 23/01/2016 18:38

Thanks for that Nutella, you're not late to the party at all. 😂

DH only has brothers, no BILS and no, their dad wouldnt be a good replacement (he wouldn't go anyway). I'm sure they'll work something out between them. I'm washing my hands of it for my own sanity!

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 23/01/2016 18:39

And actually, Nutella, you only turn 18, 21, 30, 40 etc once in a lifetime. Plenty of people get married more than once too.

OP posts:
Evabeaversprotege · 23/01/2016 18:45

Do you have a brother? Or is there a close friend?

Hopefully something can be sorted out.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 23/01/2016 18:51

No I don't. Just a sister (who like me won't go anywhere near this thing!).

They don't really have shared friends due to age differences and us living so far away. BIL3 has said he'll sort it, so I'm leaving it to them now.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 23/01/2016 19:01

Your dh will have a great weekend with his two db. The other one has a completely acceptable reason to not be there. Good to hear you're letting it go. Causing a drama over it will only tarnish your dhs weekend.

If no one can fill the free ticket it's not a problem as db has paid for it.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 23/01/2016 19:06

Makes the accommodation more expensive for the remaining ones though.

I'm at peace with it. DH will be disappointed, I'm sure, but he has an advantage in being the oldest. Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 23/01/2016 19:07

The unacceptable bit was not telling me/us.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 23/01/2016 19:55

Selfish idiot. And he's sticking his brothers with his share of the accommodation costs?

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 23/01/2016 20:16

Looks like it.

Revenge will probablybe sweet though. He'll be turning 40 in a few years and may get married too. I've a feeling we'll be busy. Wink

OP posts:
CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 23/01/2016 22:22

I can understand you being disappointed. Yanbu in that.

It should have been an event for ALL the brothers to enjoy, and now there'll be one missing.

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