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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make BIL stick to the agreement?

137 replies

DisappointedOne · 07/01/2016 18:45

DH has just turned 40. We usually have a celebration of big birthdays in the summer because nobody can be arsed at this time of year. Rather than a party, which he definitely doesn't want, I've arranged a surprise weekend for him and his 3 brothers. It's a specific thing that's only on for that weekend, and I checked with them
all that they were free for it last spring. All confirmed they were and I bought the tickets in April 2015 (ie 16 months in advance).

Now, of course, I knew something might come up at the last minute that might prevent one of them from making it. It's come up in conversation today that one of them has been invited to a wedding abroad that's on the same weekend. He's trying to find a way to do both, but in reality it will mean he makes 1 day of the thing rather than 3. Surely knowing that he would be away with his brothers that weekend he should turn down the wedding invite. Angry

AIBU to be annoyed? WIBU to point out that he agreed to this first, and that his brother should take priority here?

OP posts:
FunkyPeacock · 08/01/2016 09:18

I would however expect him to be very apologetic and make sure the OP is paid what is owed!

pinkdelight · 08/01/2016 09:38

If he's not acknowledged your DH's last 10 birthdays then it's not surprising he doesn't prioritised this one over a wedding piss-up which you say he would always be up for. And as you said, you knew that booking ahead had its risks. YANBU to be pissed off, but surely the answer is to just make him pay for his share, then it's up to him whether he goes for one day, all of it or none of it. You paid for it on the basis that them all being there was part of the gift to your DH. If he wants to dictate terms and dick you about, he should refund you. Next time just book something for the two of you. Familles are flakey.

HaPPy8 · 08/01/2016 09:48

Im with you OP. You've spent a lot of money and its his brother. I'd be pissed off too.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 09:51

Next time just book something for the two of you.

I took him (and DD) away for his actual birthday. His brothers asked me what they could do with him later in the year........

OP posts:
sandylion · 08/01/2016 09:54

You know it really fucks me off when I see AIBU posts when you are not interested in differing opinions and get arsey when people don't agree.

You said you have a right to be annoyed. You asked AIBU to be annoyed. If you think you are right then this is entirely pointless for everyone.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 09:56

You know it really fucks me off when I see AIBU posts when you are not interested in differing opinions and get arsey when people don't agree.

Where have I got arsey or not been interested in others' opinions?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/01/2016 09:58

So he'll make Friday; the first day, then leave Saturday morning?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/01/2016 09:58

So the weekend isn't even on your DH's actual birthday? Or even close? And the DB doesn't normally acknowledge your DH's birthday anyway?

I can see why the DB is prioritising the wedding. Not necessarily that he's right to do so, but I can see why.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 10:02

So the weekend isn't even on your DH's actual birthday? Or even close? And the DB doesn't normally acknowledge your DH's birthday anyway?

As per the first 3 sentences of my OP. Hmm

OP posts:
Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/01/2016 10:04

This is why I would never agree to anything so far in advance! If I was your BIL and then a good friend announced their wedding, not a chance would I miss it! My siblings are all reasonable types though and would be fine with changing plans, we often have to cancel/reschedule things planned if something else crops up.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 10:05

So he'll make Friday; the first day, then leave Saturday morning?

The Saturday is the main day of the thing they're going to.

I think I'll have to take the tack that as long as he pays for the whole weekend he can do what he likes.

OP posts:
Whoknewitcouldbeso · 08/01/2016 10:06

Of course you are correct to be pissed off. I think all you can do is say you are disappointed but it's up to him and if he is absolutely not going see if you can find a mate to take his place or sell the spare ticket on eBay.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 10:10

The tickets had to be bought that far in advance - they sold out in a couple of hours. I was prepared for sickness or new babies or whatever to cause issues nearer the time, but I suppose I'm cross that he hasn't mentioned the wedding before now (and seems to be doing very little to actually decide what he is and isn't available for).

How would your siblings rearrange if you'd got tickets for something like Glastonbury and then one of you got an invite to a wedding (not sure it is a close friend yet either)?

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 10:12

He wants to do some of it, it seems. He's trying to find a way to do both, but I can see where this is heading to be honest.

Gutted for DH because he does feel he's "out of sight, out of mind" with his family. This was something where finally they were doing something for him and now he's being de-prioritised again. Sad

OP posts:
TheOptimisticPessimist · 08/01/2016 10:13

I think it's utterly shit of him to be honest. I'd probably understand if it was a birthday weekend away that could be rearranged or something, but the fact you paid for a one off event on his willingness to go and now he's planning on missing the majority of it is ridiculous.

If he wants to go to the wedding then so be it. I'm sure your Dh will still have a good weekend without him, but I'd be making sure he reimburses you so you aren't left out of pocket because of his choice. He can explain to your DH why he's leaving early.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/01/2016 10:14

So I didn't go back and reread the OP of a thread I'd already posted on, sue me. Hmm

Those were the three facts (one of which wasn't mentioned in the OP at all Hmm) that have made me see it from the DB's perspective.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 08/01/2016 10:19

It's unfortunate but you can't make him stick to the agreement and since you seem to know very little about the wedding, I'm not even sure that he is being unreasonable (because that would depend on whose wedding, who he is going with, whether or not he has a role at the wedding eg if it's his best mate and he's always said he would be best man then I think it's fair enough he's going to the wedding).

Work out what is annoying you most about this. If it's the possible loss of money then either ask him to pay for his ticket or have a chat with all the brothers and see if there's another relative or friend who could go instead.

tbh if your BIL manages to make a bit of your DH's weekend before he goes to the wedding, I think your DH will probably be happy that he's made the effort. I don't think your DH will have the issue with it that you do and since this is supposed to be about your DH, I think you need to let go of your anger about this not panning out how you thought it would. It's also not unreasonable to ask another relative or friend if they want to come for the 2 days that your BIL is missing but let all your BILs have input into that discussion.

Potatoface2 · 08/01/2016 10:23

is it the british grand prix......much better than a poxy wedding.....his brother is being very unreasonable....give the ticket to your husbands best mate!

shinynewusername · 08/01/2016 10:36

In general I'd say that you should stick to a prior arrangement but there has to be some flexibility for scale. Funerals trump almost everything and weddings are pretty high on the social trump list too. I get that it is extremely annoying for you, OP, and your BIL sounds a bit of an arse but I do think it is a difficult situation for him and it's not going to be much fun for your DH if you guilt the BIL into attending the birthday weekend when he is feeling bad about missing the wedding. Personally I wouldn't want a sibling or close friend to miss a wedding for my birthday, even though I'd miss them.

BIL should definitely pay for the full cost though.

WhyDoesGastonBark · 08/01/2016 11:07

Kind of depends whose wedding to me... There are very few events I would commit to 16 months in advance though so I doubt I would ever have that situation

WeAllHaveWings · 08/01/2016 11:35

Considering you booked the tickets 16 months in advance there was no way his brother would really know if he was free that weekend or not.

If he committed to paying for anything he should still pay.

YABU to be annoyed, but NBU to be disappointed for your dh if all the brothers cant make it.

YABU to tell him his brother's birthday should take priority over a friends wedding, that's his and only his decision to make. I would assume it is a close friend as wedding's abroad tend to be smaller and close family/friends only.

He will be well aware of the disappointment your dh or the bride/groom will feel if he's not there, doesn't need to tell him that.

LeaLeander · 08/01/2016 12:00

Of course he could know that he was "free or not" that weekend -- by being an adult and either making a commitment to the birthday event, or declining. You don't get to hedge your bets by accepting "unless something better comes along." Not in the adult world anyway.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/01/2016 13:39

We'd just sell it to a friend or advertise it, I'm probably in the minority here but I really wouldn't be that bothered. If its a popular event, and it must be as it sold out in a couple of hours, there will always be someone who wants to buy it Smile

rookiemere · 08/01/2016 13:51

It's a difficult one I feel as your BIL didn't pick the date of his friends wedding and whilst I generally believe you should honour existing commitments, there are some friends I have where I just would want to be there for them, regardless of what else was in the diary.

I think if this is the situation ( and there's clearly not good history here with the BIL so that's clouding this) then it sounds from a bystanders perspective as if BIL is trying to make everyone happy by doing both.

I can see why you'd be disappointed for DH.

I think the best thing you can do here is tell BIL that you appreciate him trying to do both but as the tickets are so expensive you think it would be better if he didn't attend for part of it, then either see if you can get a friend of DH's to attend or if you can resell it.

FunkyPeacock · 08/01/2016 14:24

BIL can't really win. Whatever he decides to do will probably leave someone feeling disappointed

If he goes to the event then he will probably find himself the subject of another AIBU

"AIBU to be offended our good friend is missing our wedding to go to Glastonbury with his brother who happened to turn 40 at some point in the last 12 months"