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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make BIL stick to the agreement?

137 replies

DisappointedOne · 07/01/2016 18:45

DH has just turned 40. We usually have a celebration of big birthdays in the summer because nobody can be arsed at this time of year. Rather than a party, which he definitely doesn't want, I've arranged a surprise weekend for him and his 3 brothers. It's a specific thing that's only on for that weekend, and I checked with them
all that they were free for it last spring. All confirmed they were and I bought the tickets in April 2015 (ie 16 months in advance).

Now, of course, I knew something might come up at the last minute that might prevent one of them from making it. It's come up in conversation today that one of them has been invited to a wedding abroad that's on the same weekend. He's trying to find a way to do both, but in reality it will mean he makes 1 day of the thing rather than 3. Surely knowing that he would be away with his brothers that weekend he should turn down the wedding invite.

AIBU to be annoyed? WIBU to point out that he agreed to this first, and that his brother should take priority here?

OP posts:

ADishBestEatenCold · 07/01/2016 19:52

Do you think it might clarify the position for your BIL, DisappointedOne, if you point out to him that, no, he can't have his cake and eat it!

If he intends to attend a bit of the birthday event, then go to the wedding leaving the birthday boy high and dry, having his cake and eating it is exactly what he plans to do.

Remind him that you asked him over a year ahead of time and he said yes, and tell him that as you paid hundreds of pounds for his ticket/place on the three day activity, you are not prepared to let that money go to waste, so you will either apply for a full refund on his (BIL's) ticket, or will invite one of your DH's friends to go in his place.

That is, make it clear that if he isn't now going to the whole weekend, then he can't go to one day of it.

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 07/01/2016 19:53

So he should go to a birthday (of which there should be many others) and miss a (hopefully one-off) wedding? YABU.

He's managed not to acknowledge any of DH's last 10 birthdays, but yes, I'm sure he'll be right there for all future ones.

OP posts:

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 07/01/2016 19:54

It's not a family member getting married, and I'm not sure how close a friend it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 07/01/2016 19:55

It's not a music festival or a cup final, but it lasts 3 days and is in a city none of us live near.

OP posts:

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 07/01/2016 19:56

Bought them 3rd April. Event is end of July. April, May, June, July plus 12 months.

OP posts:

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 07/01/2016 19:57

is there any possibility of moving the date of your thing?

Not really. It's a one off event.

OP posts:

SirRodneyEffing · 07/01/2016 20:05

YANBU to be disappointed. YABU to think you can "make" your BIL go to your DHs birthday though

Headofthehive55 · 07/01/2016 20:06

I think his brother should take priority. After all, it was accepted first. Tell him you will go in his place!

hefzi · 07/01/2016 20:06

I am flummoxed by the prevailing wisdom on several threads today that, once you have accepted any invitation it is acceptable then to "trade up" if a better one comes your way Mind you, I am so old that I still write thank you letters - clearly, in the intervening 35 years or so since I was taught good manners, times have changed

He accepted your invitation first. He goes to the activity you've planned. Tough!

DamedifYouDo · 07/01/2016 20:08

I'd go to the wedding but I'm not into big birthday celebrations! I wouldn't hold it against my brother if he ditched my birthday celebration for an overseas wedding with 6 months notice.

yorkshapudding · 07/01/2016 20:16

Even if it is a good friend or a relatives wedding..surely a pre-arranged trip for his Brothers 40th birthday that has been booked and paid for a year in advance is a good enough reason to decline? Even the most unreasonable of bridezilla's/groomzilla's would accept that as an excuse!
I've seen many an MN'er declare they can't POSSIBLY attend a wedding for all kinds of reasons...not wanting to leave their pets, because it clashes with a hobby they do every week, their cousin who insulted them once 25 years ago might be there etc. The response is always "YANBU, it's an invitation not a summons". If OP's BIL is reneging on his commitment it's because he has chosen to do so not because he's in some kind of impossible position.

Optimist1 · 07/01/2016 20:17

I'm with SirRodney - the right thing for your BIL to do would be to honour the original agreement, but I can't see how you can force him to behave properly.

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 07/01/2016 20:22

Not easy to throttle him from 300 miles away, sadly.

OP posts:

Chilledmonkeybrains · 07/01/2016 20:23

Your BIL is in the wrong but I don't know what you can do. How do you feel about trying to guilt him into it or get the other brothers to?

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 07/01/2016 20:26

It's an option.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 07/01/2016 20:41

I can see why you are disappointed but a wedding would take precedence over a birthday. People can't really change the wedding date to suit everyone invited but couldn't you find a way of changing the day of your celebration. It's always a bit risky booking things so much in advance.

Viviennemary · 07/01/2016 20:45

I didn't read the thread. I see the dates can't be changed. Just get somebody else to go in his place. Don't let him attend one day. He goes to it all or none.

SuburbanRhonda · 07/01/2016 20:48

I would ask him for the money you spent on the ticket then give him back anything you make on reselling his ticket, including nothing if you're unable to resell.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 07/01/2016 21:16

Yanbu given the amount of money you've spent.

I think a very close friend's wedding might take priority but depends on the individuals involved

Can you explain to him about the cost and that it seems a waste if he can't attend for the whole thing. PP suggestion of getting a friend of DH to go instead is good, as long as they wont be out of place with DH and brothers. Certainly brother should be helping towards the expense (tbh I'm surprised they're not already helping, I get that it's a treat for your DH but I would expect at least an offer of a contribution to their own tickets!)

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/01/2016 23:49

The brother may want to travel with his wife overseas to the wedding, I would bet.

Wanted to ask, OP, are you the organizer of the family, do you usually do the planning, as in, are you an in charge type of person?

Has there ever been any weirdness between you and your dh's brother's wife?

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 08:08

He doesn't have a wife (hence my comment about a future wedding!). He has a partner and children, but I'm not sure they're going to the wedding. There's no weirdness between his partner and me - were she and the kids going to the wedding she would have contacted me when the issue arose last year to try and work out a solution. So either she isn't going or she's taking the stance of "his circus, his monkeys".

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/01/2016 08:15

He should honour the agreement, that would be the right thing to do, clearly.

Is he not that close to your dh and therefore not bothered about disappointing him?

Can a close mate take his place?

GruntledOne · 08/01/2016 08:37

So he should go to a birthday (of which there should be many others) and miss a (hopefully one-off) wedding? YABU.

There aren't going to be "many other" 40th birthday events for his brother. And if the wedding isn't that of a close friend or relative, it is essentially a case of the brother wanting to go to a piss-up of which there probably are many others. In any event, as pointed out, this isn't a case of the brother having a right to choose whichever is the better option once someone has gone to a lot of trouble to establish he was free and has incurred expense, and he's accepted the invitation.

OP, can the other brothers talk some sense into him?

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 09:08

They're probably the least close of the 4 brothers but i wouldn't say they aren't close IYSWIM.

Not sure about a friend going instead. It wasn't really the point.

OP posts:

FunkyPeacock · 08/01/2016 09:16

I'm torn on this one

Generally I would agree with the OP that if you commit to an event then you turn other invitations which clash with the event down but I also think that weddings of good friends & family 'trump' most other events and are the one thing that I would make an allowance for!

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