Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make BIL stick to the agreement?

137 replies

DisappointedOne · 07/01/2016 18:45

DH has just turned 40. We usually have a celebration of big birthdays in the summer because nobody can be arsed at this time of year. Rather than a party, which he definitely doesn't want, I've arranged a surprise weekend for him and his 3 brothers. It's a specific thing that's only on for that weekend, and I checked with them
all that they were free for it last spring. All confirmed they were and I bought the tickets in April 2015 (ie 16 months in advance).

Now, of course, I knew something might come up at the last minute that might prevent one of them from making it. It's come up in conversation today that one of them has been invited to a wedding abroad that's on the same weekend. He's trying to find a way to do both, but in reality it will mean he makes 1 day of the thing rather than 3. Surely knowing that he would be away with his brothers that weekend he should turn down the wedding invite. Angry

AIBU to be annoyed? WIBU to point out that he agreed to this first, and that his brother should take priority here?

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 14:54

That's a little unfair. It's been agreed elsewhere that 2nd January is the worst day of the year to have a birthday (all 3 other brothers have summer birthdays - it's not a coincidence). They asked me to arrange something for later in the year. Then we found out about this thing and they all wanted to go. So I waved my magic wand and made it happen (extending an interest free loan for the costs). I would be less upset had he mentioned it when the wedding issue came up - he didn't. He waited till I asked something routine and then dropped the "I'm going to a wedding too" line.

Taking a friend won't work, and I don't think the tix can be resold, so BIL's going to have to stump up for the costs I've incurred for him at the very least.

OP posts:
FunkyPeacock · 08/01/2016 15:05

Sorry disappointedOne, I Didnt Mean to belittle the effort you have gone to to organise this event for your DH and his brothers but you do seem very determined not to see it from your BIL's POV

Yes he should absolutely make sure at the very least he pays for his ticket but nothing you have said suggests that he is unlikely to do that. YANBU to be massively disappointed and I am guessing your BIL is probably pretty gutted by the date clash too.

Could it be he didn't say anything sooner about the wedding because he was scared what your reaction would be? It is never easy letting people down even if your feel you are making the right decision.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 15:17

I suspect he accepted the wedding invitation without remembering that he was already away that weekend. You're right that he probably feels he can and should do both, but it makes a relatively straightforward weekend into something of a dog's dinner. There is history - as a family they make zero effort whatsoever, and Thai brother in particular makes even less than that. So having to yet again change plans to suit him boils my piss, frankly.

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 15:18

*This, not Thai!

OP posts:
TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 08/01/2016 15:31

your main mistake was organising the event for them.... the lazy pricks now have no investment in this other than to turn up or not as it suits them, you are the fall guy!

I think bil is being unutterably rude....mind you I could be biased as I HAD a friend who did this, couldn't or wouldn't commit, claimed last minute (non existent) emergencies/exhaustions/excuses and then was stupid enough to fill her facebook with tags and photos the next day.

Headofthehive55 · 08/01/2016 15:58

I feel sad you you and your DH. Friends come and go, families tend to be around much longer!

In any event he committed. He didn't have to but he did and therefore should follow through. Just because something more exciting has come up shouldn't excuse him.

I am quite shocked at the fickle nature of people.

LittleBeautyBelle · 08/01/2016 16:32

OP, this might sound like a silly question because I realize this is a weekend for all the brothers; but, are you also going on this weekend trip?

Also, is the event something the other brothers would normally be interested in apart from the fact it's for celebrating their brother's birthday? What is the event?

You say the brother has not acknowledged your dh's birthday the last ten years. That fact says a lot, doesn't it? You organizing a three day weekend, 16 months in advance, with its attendant expenses to bring together brothers who don't even bother to keep in touch very often...perhaps the brothers would not have chosen to do a three day weekend and may have felt compelled to go along with your plans for them? I'm just throwing some ideas out there.

Then the brother got invited to an overseas wedding of probably a good friend or someone who means a great deal to him. He waffled at first, not knowing what to do because you'd made these expensive, involved plans that he possibly didn't want to feel forced to participate in in the first place even though he loves his brother, then the thought of missing a good friend's wedding to attend something for three days that he kind of resented being foist upon, he finally decided to do what he felt was more important to him. And he gets to pay for his part that you planned for him, he is probably feeling a bit hostile himself.

Many people resent someone else planning things like that for them, even "fun" occasions when they truly would rather just come see the birthday brother for the day, or something more low key, less expensive, etc, or simply decide themselves how they wanted to celebrate their brother's birthday. The last ten years, they decided to do nothing. Going from nothing to a three day, expensive, planned out trip they had no say in, may have caused some resentment or bad feeling.

FunkyPeacock · 08/01/2016 17:30

Sorry DisappointedOne but you do sound too over invested in this event

If BIL only attends for part of the weekend and then leaves to attend his friend's wedding then how does that necessitate you having to change your plans or cause the weekend to be a 'dog's dinner'?

His other 2 brothers will still be there so no reason why they can't have a great time and if he isn't very close to this brother anyway then will it really matter that much?

BIL won't be getting value for money out of his ticket but as long as he pays you then that's not your problem is it?

Howdoesironmanwee · 08/01/2016 17:39

I agree, you make snippy comments about him not being around fod the last ten birthdays etc so why did you expect him to start being nvolved and reliable now.
Yes, he's been a dick, but I wonder how pushy you've been.
I think that this is one of those things were no one is right, you're all being childish.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 17:52

I don't think so, Belle. It went like this:

Last April: Bro 4 to group - what are your plans for Bro 1's birthday? Me: not sure. Any ideas? Them: new year is tricky. could do a week away somewhere later in year. (1 of the has baby due in spring so suggested summer). Bro 4: what about x thing? It looks awesome. All: yep, well up for that. Me: which day would be best? Bro 2: it's not much more for a weekend pass. Let's do that. Too far to go for a day anyway. Me: cool. Long weekend then? All: yes.

Booked and confirmed tix.

September-October: me - what about accommodation? Them - don't know area, could you look? (It's somewhere I used to live.). Me - 3 possible options here. Meet all/most requirements and within budget (tricky). Them - option 1 looks best. Me - shall I book? Them - yes please. We'll all travel together and you just get Bro 1 there. Me - cool.

So it hasn't been me driving it. It's quite hard to explain but it's as if they forget about him because they don't see him as often as they see each other (they all live within 40 miles and 2 work for same company whereas we're 300 miles away).

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 17:53

No, I'm not going. It's something they've been into as a family since childhood and I thought a weekend just them would be good (hard now with partners and babies etc).

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 17:57

When I say they haven't bothered with his birthday, brother 2 has a party every year (summer birthday) which we all go to. Brother 4's birthday falls when there's an annual event on, so they get together for that. Brother 3 usually goes away for his birthday. DH's isn't acknowledged because "it's too close to new year to do anything and we'll be wrecked from NYE". So we decided that we'd do something more for the big birthdays. He doesn't even get a text on his birthday the other years.

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 18:00

The disruption comes from the one brother needing to get to an airport to fly abroad. The airports are far from where they are, so travelling to the airport will mean him missing most/all of the main day of the event. So they'll have to do dinner/drinking on the 1st night and will be in a state on the main day rather than on the day where it won't matter so much if they feel rough.

OP posts:
FunkyPeacock · 08/01/2016 18:50

How on earth does them having a big night out on the first night rather than after the first full day at the event cause you any 'disruption'?

They are grown men, so I would leave them to sort it out between themselves TBH

If you aren't able to let them get on with it without dictating which nights they are allowed to get pissed on and where they are eating dinner then I think you have greater problems than your BIL's flakiness!

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 18:52

I couldn't really care less about where they eat or when they get pissed. They're the ones that have been planning all that!

OP posts:
FunkyPeacock · 08/01/2016 18:56

If you couldn't care less then why start the thread?

Howdoesironmanwee · 08/01/2016 19:04

She's pissed off with bil and losing sight of normality. Easily done.

Furiosa · 08/01/2016 19:07

As previous posters have said before, it depends on whose wedding it is.

If one of my close friends said they couldn't come to my wedding because it was their brother's 40th Birthday party, I'd be hugely upset. I'd understand, but I'd be upset and I'd be thinking surely my wedding is more important than a birthday party (which isn't even on their birthday).

YABU to think that you can make him attend his brother's birthday event.

YANBU to be hurt and annoyed though, but it's not just you and your husband's feelings that are at stake. Also, it doesn't sound like you like him very much, so maybe it's best that he doesn't go?

littleleftie · 08/01/2016 19:09

I am a bit confused.

You booked this event for DH and his brothers. Did you intend to pay for all of them?

If not, surely they all paid you at the time you booked?

Is it just BIL who isn't going you are intending to charge now, or are all of the brothers expected to pay nearer the time of the event?

If BIL pulls out that is pretty shitty, but not the end of the world as hopefully DH will still have a lovely surprise.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 19:09

If you couldn't care less then why start the thread?

I said I couldn't care less where they eat and drink. I care that DH has a good time WITH HIS BROTHERS WHO WANTED TO DO THIS WITH HIM.

I was pissed off because BIL is likely to turn around and say he's not paying for days he's not there, which will hit my pocket. But as others have suggested, if he covers it he's free to do why he wants.

Believe me, this is one weekend of many. His parents arranged to come down in Sept 2014 but cancelled at the last minute because a neighbour needed them to look after a dog. They were going to "rearrange ASAP"............. We're still waiting.

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 19:11

They are expecting to pay for themselves, but I said I'd pay and they could pay me back nearer the time. So I've paid out £800 and expect to get £600 back eventually.

OP posts:
Furiosa · 08/01/2016 19:16

In that case Disappionted write him off.

He's going to the wedding and you can't stop him. Just let him know the cost of what he'd previously committed to from your own purse and chase him for it. Tell him what he owes you and wish him well.

littleleftie · 08/01/2016 19:20

Ok, so you basically lent them the money.

The advice to never lend what you cannot afford to lose springs to mind.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/01/2016 19:21

Do you think he'll reimburse you?

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/01/2016 19:26

I can afford to lose it. But I'm not going to.

OP posts: