do grandparents love their grandchild more than their own child?

[Hiphophap123]

MIL has been telling me repeatedly that 'grandmothers love their grandchildren more than their own children.'. She tells me her friends agree with her on this.

The first time I heard this I thought it was a bit of an odd comment. The second time I thought it was a bit inappropriate to say to me. Now with it being said repeatedly I'm feeling offended as I feel like she's suggesting that she loves DC more than I do. We have had some issues with mil being very controlling and not recognising us as the parents so that doesn't help. Im also concerned that she will say this infront of her 2 sons which could be hurtful to them. I'm particularly interested in comments from any grandparents.

• is it true? Do GPs love their GC more than their DC?
  
• is it normal to tell your DCs this?
  
• how can I respond to this firmly without being offensive? MIL doesn't take hints u have to be clear but I really don't want to be rude! If I said ' I think u may have forgotten how u felt as a new mum. It isn't even possible for me to love anyone more than my DC' Or 'I think that's really sad for your DC maybe u shouldn't say it to me or them.' Any ideas?

[Hihohoho1]

She sounds unhinged op.

What a ridiculous daft statement.

I wouldn't let a lunatic like they near my children. Horrible vile statements and designed to hurt I think.

I will soon be a grandmother and love him already because he's a part of my child a part of our genes and lovely dil too.

It's like saying you love one child more than another. It's that stupid.

[KP86]

I don't think she's saying she loves your DC more than you do, but rather she loves her GC more than she loved her DC.

It's so much easier for GP the second time around. But yes, it is a hurtful thing towards her son, rather than you.

[CwtchMeQuick]

I'm not a grandparent, but I don't think this is true.
I know my mom likes DS more than she likes me, but I don't think she loves him more. It surprises me actually because I'm very different to my mom and DS is very much like me, but I think she was always expecting me to raise a stubborn, wilful and over opinionated child so it wasn't a shock like I was
For my dad though, he adores DS but there's no way he loves him more than he loves me. I'm his eldest and the only girl. He loves DS differently to how he loves me, more like how he loves my brothers. I don't think he's so fiercely protective of them, but that doesn't mean he loves them less.
There are different kinds of love, but I find it baffling that she's described one as being greater than the other

[meercat23]

I'm a grandmother and it is not true for me. I love my GC very much but I love my own DC very much too.

It is different though. With the GC I don't have the responsibility in the same way so I can just enjoy them without the hard work bits. My eldest GS is in his teens now and I don't get quite so much of the moody teen stuff as my DD does, he doesn't have to test his strength against me in the same way that he does with his Mum and Dad.

I found the comment a bit strange and competitive somehow but I can't quite put my finger on exactly how. Mind you I might be projecting a bit because I had a MIL who liked to ask all her GC "Which GM do you love the best". I vowed I would never be like that and to be honest I have never felt like that either.

[Wombatinabathhat]

I have a DGD who is 12. (Her mother and my DS split up when she was 1 year old) I have always been very close to DGD and even as a baby, she has stayed over at my home on alternate weekends, sometimes week nights. DH and I have done school pick up/drop offs. I occasionally take her out for a meal, just the 2 of us, on a girly night. I love her and enjoy spoiling her, but in no way do I love her more than DS.
It is a different kind of love I suppose. I enjoy not having responsibility for her full time, so it makes the time I do spend with her more fun.
I don't think my friends who are grandparents would agree with your MIL either. She sounds weird to me.

[grimbletart]

It would not be possible for me to love my GC more than I love my children.

If I did I would wonder whether I had been a crap mother or had crap DCs.

[SchnooSchnoo]

My daughter has been very ill, and my mum is obviously adores her, and is concerned for her well being but she has definitely been more worried about me, and my wellbeing through the whole ordeal, so I definitely don't think that's universally true!

However, I expect there is a more visceral feeling of love for babies and children that probably wears off as your children grow up. Perhaps that's what she's feeling now? Still a weird thing to keep saying though.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Now with it being said repeatedly I'm feeling offended as I feel like she's suggesting that she loves DC more than I do. "
What do you think she'd say if you were to raise this exact point with her. i.e. if you actually said 'Are you trying to claim that you love my child more than I do? Really??'

You are quite right to be offended. It is offensive.

[Nanny0gg]

It's different. Not measurable really. One doesn't match or trump the other.

It's just different.

[Chottie]

What an odd thing to say!

I am a DM and a DGM.

I love my DCs dearly and I love my DGSs just as much.

[Octopus37]

I have heard other people say that that most people are better Grandparents than parents and that you can be nicer without it. However, i the case o my Dad the opposite has occurred for various reasons. Definitely dont think it is appropriate to say this out loud though.

[Nightzone]

I think a lot of grandads enjoy their grandchildren more than they enjoyed their own children because they see them more.

[Janeymoo50]

I am not a parent, or grandparent but having seen the Grandmother relationship between my mum and my nephews and nieces, it is truly unique and was incredibly special. I might not be qualified to comment, but don't think they love them more, but just very differently (if that makes sense). I think a lot of Grandparents are far more relaxed by the time they hit grandparent hood and have the time and emotion to invest in their GC unlike often as parents when life is often one mad blur of getting through the day.

[bushtailadventures]

I'm a grandmother, and I love my dgd dearly, but it's different to how I love my dc. It's not as primal (not sure if thats the right term) as the love I have for my dc, but I would still step in front of a car for her

However, even if I did think I loved her more than my dc, I wouldn't say it in front of them, that's just cruel.

[smalldinosaur]

New grandma here. I love dgd as much as dd but I enjoy her far more than I did dd because I had dreadful pnd, no support and a shit marriage. All these things made having a baby and small child really tough. I feel hugely protective towards dgd and couldn't love her any more if I tried. It's the same sort of protective and total love of a parent. I feel so happy that my dd is able to enjoy her dd's babyhood but it's also made me very sad for what I missed and what she missed by having a happy mum.

[Talcumsoul]

I'm a grandma. I love my dgd immensely. I think my love for her is tied up with my love for my DS. It's part of the same thing.
My love for my two DC is the biggest and most steadfast love in my life. My love for my DGD is part of that.

[FuzzyWizard]

My Nan has lost a grandchild and a child. She was obviously very upset by the death of her grandchild and incredibly sad for her son who had lost a child but the death of her own child completely devastated her. I've never seen someone look so utterly broken as she did at that funeral.

[NickiFury]

I think a lot of parents screw up their relationship with their own children and see the grand children as a chance to get it right.

The toxic ones though probably do love their grandkids more because their own kids don't like them very much and toxic people tend to find a way to make the person they've treated badly take the blame for the bad relationship. There's an element of look what a great grand parent I am, obviously I wasn't that bad a parent if I can be like this so get over it.

It's easier to love new, happy little babies than screwed up, resentful adults, even if your parenting is what screwed them up.

[magimedi]

Talcumsoul

• You have said it so succinctly - yes, it's all tied up with the love for your DCs.
  
  Must admit I do look for my DC in my GC.

[IamChipmunk]

My own mother told me she loves my ds more than me and dsis!

Her exact words were 'I never thought I could love anyone more than you and your sister, but I do'

I can't remember what I said, just 'hmmm' I think!
She is obsessed with him but completely useless due to several reasons.
She lives about 15 minutes away from us. I try and see her as little as possible as I find her very hard to deal with.

I am now pregnant with dc2 and when we told her at Xmas she (literally) screamed 'thank you' and has already said she hopes it's a girl.

sigh I don't always think kind thoughts about her!

[MaidOfStars]

From an evolutionary POV, it would make sense to love your grandchildren (or even younger generations) the most - they are the most likely to carry your genes the furthest into the future.

[ForalltheSaints]

It varies, but I know of examples where I think this is true. My late uncle for example.

[OohMavis]

My FIL says this to DH's face. Not that DH needed confirmation of FIL's lack of a shit he gave about him.

I just can't imagine saying this out loud, even if I thought it.

[eastwest]

when my DS (her first grandchild) was born my mother told me and my sibling that her priorities had changed now, that she 'wasn't interested in us' any more, and that she 'would die for' my DS.
Bit harsh I thought.
YANBU OP.

[tilliebob]

My mum doesn't love my dc more than me, but they are her child's children, which she says gives her double mother tiger instinct for them. She also has time to spend with them that she didn't when we were of similar ages as she was the stressed working mum that I now am. She's also mellower and has more experience so is calmer with them than DH and I are at times.