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AIBU?

do grandparents love their grandchild more than their own child?

121 replies

Hiphophap123 · 07/01/2016 15:47

MIL has been telling me repeatedly that 'grandmothers love their grandchildren more than their own children.'. She tells me her friends agree with her on this.

The first time I heard this I thought it was a bit of an odd comment. The second time I thought it was a bit inappropriate to say to me. Now with it being said repeatedly I'm feeling offended as I feel like she's suggesting that she loves DC more than I do. We have had some issues with mil being very controlling and not recognising us as the parents so that doesn't help. Im also concerned that she will say this infront of her 2 sons which could be hurtful to them. I'm particularly interested in comments from any grandparents.

is it true? Do GPs love their GC more than their DC?
is it normal to tell your DCs this?
how can I respond to this firmly without being offensive? MIL doesn't take hints u have to be clear but I really don't want to be rude! If I said ' I think u may have forgotten how u felt as a new mum. It isn't even possible for me to love anyone more than my DC' Or 'I think that's really sad for your DC maybe u shouldn't say it to me or them.' Any ideas?

OP posts:

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merrymouse · 08/01/2016 11:46

Oops wrong thread!

merrymouse · 08/01/2016 11:46

Wrong thread, please delete!

Muldjewangk · 08/01/2016 13:10

It's very hard to explain the love for a GC. I have heard a GM say she loved her GC more, though it was obvious she was a very proud and loving mother to her DD. I believe for some GPs it's not that they love their DC less it's just their DC are adults and not as vulnerable. It doesn't mean they didn't and don't love their own DC or they love their GC more than their DC do.

All my GPs were alive when I was a child, they were either quite nasty or indifferent.

Wordsmith · 08/01/2016 20:35

Not sure if you think she means she loves her GC more than ahe loves her children, or that she loves her GC more than their parents love them. Whic one do you think she means, OP?

Bogeyface · 08/01/2016 21:02

Ime grandparents get to enjoy their GC far more than they did their own children.

My parents had to work, save, pay bills, deal with illnesses, temper tantrums, school traumas, teen years....blah blah with me and my sister.

With their grandchildren they get to go out with them, play with them, treat them (more money available now) and then send them home and get on with life.

Its not that they love their GC more than me and my sister, but that they have the time to do things with them that they never had the resources to do with us.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/01/2016 21:10

It's great if people can enjoy the possibly slightly unexpected love they feel as a DGP. It's kind of a bonus thing isn't it?
And young children are easier to love than adult DC, it's (arguably) a less complicated relationship.

But people should make the effort to continue to have as good a relationship as possible with their adult DC. It's a relationship that can develop and be full of possibilities IMHO
Unfortunately some parents aren't really up for this. Which is a great pity for all involved

Chewbecca · 08/01/2016 21:41

I'm pretty sure my mum loves my DS more than she loves/loved me, I think her strength of feeling for him has taken her by surprise.

I'm pleased she loves him so much.

Jux · 08/01/2016 21:48

My mum loved dd, so much. So so so much. She said that it was completely different from your own children. I can't ask her, but I reckon it is simply that it wasn't up to her to turn a baby/toddler/small child, into a human being, so she could just love her.

KwickNC · 08/01/2016 21:50

Haven't RTFT but my mum said you love your own children but you're in love with your grandchildren.

If that's already been said sorry doing a skim read before bed!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/01/2016 21:51

Ahh, that's a lovely and very understanding post Jux

babyboomersrock · 08/01/2016 21:57

I can't imagine loving a dgc more than my own dc.

I have 3 precious grandchildren whom I adore but it's been a gradual process. I love them more each time I'm with them (which is often - I'm very lucky) but I never had the instant falling-in-love sensation which happened with my own.

I remember holding my own new babies and just recognising them, feeling that they were still part of me and that in some way they always would be.

When I held each of my newborn grandchildren, it was emotional - but I was more moved by the joy and pride on my beloved sons' faces. Those are the moments I'll treasure for ever.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/01/2016 22:01

Aww, you rock babyboomer

< a bit emotional due to double whammy of slight illness and wine >

But don't that let take anything away from it!

JessicasRabbit · 08/01/2016 22:08

My mum was shocked by just how much she loved her GDC. But "it doesn't come close to how you feel about your own children". I think it's a totally different relationship they get away with all kinds of crap that I never did and I imagine it's much less hard work, but in real terms I don't think many people love their GDC more than DC.

timelytess · 08/01/2016 22:12

Dgd sometimes 'gets away' with stuff with me but only because she works the system. "My mummy always lets me have two dishes of Star Wars cereal, Grandma." "My daddy always lets me have more juice, Grandma." And my favourite, "My mummy always lets me talk in bed, Grandma!" I checked later with dd. No, she doesn't.

chelle87 · 08/01/2016 22:16

I don't know about loving them more but my mum is 10x more affectionate with my do than she ever was with us. But I agree with comments saying it's a different kind of love and the ability to hand them back has gotta help in their patience levels. They don't have to worry about bills and work balance etc either.they get the best bits.

FreshHorizons · 08/01/2016 22:21

Very wise AuntieStella, smile and nod.
I also never understand people who have to rank love, it is all so different.
I can't see how you can love anyone more than your children, but that doesn't mean you can't love others.

apostropheuse · 08/01/2016 23:59

I love my grandchildren equally to how I love my children. This truly was a total surprise to me. When my children were young I wouldn't have believed it possible to love grandchildren as much. A little bit similar to a woman expecting a second child and thinking she can't possibly love it the same as her firstborn. Of course we all know that's not true.

I think that your relationship with your children evolves as they mature into adulthood. When they're young you feel an immense protective love, like a tigress. You've got full responsibility for raising them - they're totally dependent on you. They, more or less, see you as an all-knowing, all seeing being that can fix their problems and give them everything they need. Then they become their own person and, if you've done your job correctly they, quite rightly, become fully fledged adults who live an independent existence. They don't need you as much now. You take a step back. You still hurt when they hurt, you would rather suffer than see them suffer... Your love is undiminished, but it's not as intense. Perhaps if it was as intense you would suffocated them - become the overpowering mother - or mother-in-law - we so often read about on here.

Then the grandchildren come along and their parents love them the same way that you loved your child when they were young. You as a grandparent love them the same as your own children, but not any more than them - I don't think that's possible. You can love them with this intensity but still realise that they're not YOUR children. When my grandchildren ask for something or to do something and I'm not sure I tell them that they have to ask their mum as she's the boss. (My grandson who has autism says that Mummy's number one boss and granny's number two boss He does like a good hierarchy ).

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2016 00:02

I'd challenge those comments because they are very unloving to her own child, your husband/partner and may be unsettling for the children.

Some parents love one child more than other, they can't help it, but the only place to discuss that kind of thing would be anonymously, not in front of the children or others!

And I think what she means really is they are cute, sweet, warm lovely babies/young children and she can't remember what her children were like then, or that she had post natal depression, stresses or whatever that made that time harder for her.

It certainly doesn't say anything about your love for your kids, unless she were to attempt to subscribe this as a universal thing! implying you would love your grandchildren more etc.

Either way, tell her it is unhelpful talk and unsettling for children to feel their is a hierarchy of love within families.

Narp · 09/01/2016 06:14

What a lovely post apostropheuse

You sound like you have the same approach as my parents , and that's how it should be, IMO

annemac101 · 11/01/2016 11:10

HI here from gransnet. I don't think you can quantify love, our hearts a big enough to love everyone close to us. I don't see how you can love your grandchildren more than your children. You might enjoy them more because you don't have the discipline bits or the huge responsibility of being the parent. I also have more time when my grandchildren come to stay and that time is solely for me to be with them. Maybe the MIL in question is feeling she has to tell you how much she loves her grandchildren and that's the only way she can think to express herself. Don't be too hard on her sometimes it can be hard to work out what DIL's want from you.

RockNanny · 11/01/2016 11:53

I have a wonderful granddaughter and another grandchild due in June (my birthday month !). I feel rather guilty that I seem to notice every little development in my granddaughter, and things she does, more than I did when I was parenting my DD. I don't love her more but the relationship is different than the one I had with my DD as she was growing, mostly due to not having the everyday stresses and the overwhelming sense of responsibility that I had as a parent. I hope my daughter understands this. I have tried to express it to her in the best way that I can. I used to dread becoming a grandparent, thinking that I would be regarded as ancient and would also feel that way. However, when it happened I didn't feel that way at all and I am incredibly grateful to have her in my life and to have the chance to love and cuddle a little person again and hopefully have positive input in her life.

As for the clumsy comments from your MIL Hiphophap123, it reminds me of how my late father often hurt my feelings with things he said. My sister, who has a son with Asperger Syndrome, and myself have come to believe that Dad was probably AS himself, to a degree anyway. I won't profess to be an expert on autistic conditions but it does make me wonder if your MIL might not be as toxic as she seems but might actually be AS. I say this because of the bluntness of her comments and her apparent unawareness of the effect that they have. AS people are not able to understand and use social skills like neuro-typical people. They have no intention of offending. This is just my thoughts on the matter and I could, of course, be wrong. Forgive me if I am way off the mark.

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