do grandparents love their grandchild more than their own child?

[Hiphophap123]

MIL has been telling me repeatedly that 'grandmothers love their grandchildren more than their own children.'. She tells me her friends agree with her on this.

The first time I heard this I thought it was a bit of an odd comment. The second time I thought it was a bit inappropriate to say to me. Now with it being said repeatedly I'm feeling offended as I feel like she's suggesting that she loves DC more than I do. We have had some issues with mil being very controlling and not recognising us as the parents so that doesn't help. Im also concerned that she will say this infront of her 2 sons which could be hurtful to them. I'm particularly interested in comments from any grandparents.

• is it true? Do GPs love their GC more than their DC?
  
• is it normal to tell your DCs this?
  
• how can I respond to this firmly without being offensive? MIL doesn't take hints u have to be clear but I really don't want to be rude! If I said ' I think u may have forgotten how u felt as a new mum. It isn't even possible for me to love anyone more than my DC' Or 'I think that's really sad for your DC maybe u shouldn't say it to me or them.' Any ideas?

[Mari50]

My mum loves my DD more than me and frequently tells me (and DD). Personally I think it's because I'm not quite so gorgeous and a bit grumpy too.

[eastwest]

NickiFury I think you're right.

[sandylion]

I think what she means is she we enjoys them more. The joy of handing children back must be deep.

[Mouseinahole]

I don't love my grandchildren more than I love my children but I think I love them as much, though in a different way. I can't rank love and I am very aware that it is a privilege to have a big role in dgc life whereas with my own dc it was mine and dh' responsibility, terrifying, wonderful but absolutely ours.
Parents can choose the extent of grandparents' involvement.

[marriednotdead]

As a grandparent, it's definitely more fun. Because there's a finite limit to what you have time to do as a parent without life getting in the way.
I've managed to successfully get my DCs to adulthood so I am more relaxed about my parenting ability.
I have DGS for a wonderful day once a week and it's all about him, then he goes home and I can lay in the bath and have an early night cos he wears me out.
I don't love him more, I love him differently. And it reinforces my love for my DCs. Your MIL is a loon.

[junebirthdaygirl]

I have 3 children whom l love dearly. I also have lots of nieces and nephews whom l love. But when my gd was born l felt nearly that same connection as with my own. Not totally but definitely something very special which l was not prepared for.I'm not the sort of Gran who buys lots of sweets etc but l do understand why grans are more lenient. When you have gone through worrying that your child might buy drugs you realise fussing over sweets in the early days was a bit of an overreaction. When you wait up til all hours waiting to hear them come in you realise having a very strict bedtime routine isn't life or death. I think when mine were young l wanted to get things right so they wouldn't grow up a mess but with my gd l don't worry about any of that. I just enjoy her so much and presume just like my own she will grow up fine.

[Lonelynessie]

Yanbu. My mum used to say this all the time, and yet she didn't understand why I would be upset about it. I was 12 years old at the time she said it and I thought she meant she didn't love me any more and loved my niece instead. I definitely became closed off to her and actually our relationship never really recovered.

[BarbarianMum]

My mum told me that the greatest shock of becoming a grandmother was realising that she loved her grandchildren just as much as her children - she really wasn't expecting the strength of feeling.

[LegoRuinedMyFinances]

My DM said that having a grandchild gave her the same feeling of love as having her own children, but without all the work. That's got to be a lovely feeling?

My DM is a wonderful granny and the kids adore her - DM has said its so much more fun with grandchildren (except if she's had them for a long weekend then shes quite happy to hand them back! ).

May be different if you have toxic grandparents who are trying to take a main role over and above a parent - which is weird. My DC are so close to my mum but my mum has always deferred back to me for decisions and has always been there to support my role as mum, which means that even if DM said she loved my kids as much or more than I do I would know it came from a place of love and nothing else.

[BarbarianMum]

Actually, from an evolutionary point of view it makes more "sense" to protect your children than your grandchildren (at least whilst your children are of reproductive age), as they carry 50% of your genes . Grandchildren only carry 25%.

[DisappointedOne]

Psychologically speaking, you protect the ones that have the best chance of surviving.

[blueturtle6]

Dont think they love them more. It is enjoy them more as they get all the good things with non of responsibilities' q

[SheGotAllDaMoves]

In the same way that many mothers are convinced that they love their DC more than other mothers love theirs, some grandparents are convinced that their feelings towards a grandchild are far stronger than anyone else.

It's self absorbed nonsense and should be treated as such.

[timelytess]

What a load of rubbish!
My dgd, I love her as my dd. She's dd's flesh, part of her body, and so she is precious to me. And she's precious to me in her own right, because she's a wonderful little person. Both babies, the grown up one and the little one, are so important. Son in law too, after fourteen years as part of the family, is another of 'my' precious babies, and they all and each fill me with awe and wonder.
Perhaps, in survival mode, grandmothers are focused on the little ones because they need support if they're going to survive.

[Sometimesithinkimbonkers]

My mum used to say GC are better and it was lovely to see them coming to visit and it was lovely to see them leaving !!!

[ArgyMargy]

SheGot has it right. This says a lot about your MIL's selfishness - and you worrying about its effect on your DCs suggests a lack of confidence on your part. I'd be tempted to respond by laughing as if it's the most ridiculous thing you've heard in a while.

[merrymouse]

I think that in general she is talking absolute rubbish.

If it is true of her, it implies that either she can't love somebody when that love has to be truly selfless, only when she can cherry pick the easy parts of the relationship; or that she means that she loves being a grandparent more than a being a parent, perhaps because of the lack of responsibility and obligation.

Either way I would pick her up on it.

[gotthemoononastick]

My children are my life's work...would walk over coals for them still.

The grandmother love is a fierce unexplainable emotion,but slightly removed from being the protector of the new family member.

Easier to stand back and watch and be so,so proud of how well the young ones are doing.

They know much more nowadays.We did lots on a wing and a prayer in the'olden days'

[timelytess]

They know much more nowadays.We did lots on a wing and a prayer in the'olden days'
And they have access to so much information and support.
I was really lucky that another woman (an ABM counsellor) took pity on me, gave me support and let me borrow loads of her books (Gill in the IOM, haven't forgotten. Still ski-ing?) but without that I'd have found it much, much more difficult. Especially as I wanted to be a radical mother and do all the things like extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping (family bed), that were 'strange' then and are commonplace nowadays. She suggested I get a sling, so I did. Its called 'baby-wearing' now - the names of things really amuse me.

[NarcyCow]

Yes.

When I was pregnant with DD, my mother introduced my bump to someone before me - 'this is my first grandchild, we're very excited, blah blah blah...oh and this is her mother'.

She still does the same thing now - introduces the kids to people and then tacks DH and I on as afterthoughts. It's mortifying.

A few years later she told DD that she wasn't my mum any more, she'd finished doing that, and now she was just DD's grandmother.

[merrymouse]

It might be true that some rather strange individuals talk like this - that doesn't make it a general thing.

I think it says more about some people's parenting than grandparents in general.

[HoHoHoandaBottleOfRum]

Very true deep in love and love.


I think also there might be some feeling of wishing you could start over, knowing all that you know now.

lashings of this too but for god sake it isn't their second chance.

there are some mad old bats out there who cant control themselves arnt there!!

its not bad or unusual to have these feelings but to act out on them, say what you want etc...

[HerbieRidesAgain]

I love my children, unconditionally, and that never waivers, with my grandchildren likewise I love them unconditionally but its more like I fall in love with them a little bit more each time I see them or even think of them. Its the same love it just feels more intense but I think thats because they are 'children' as opposed to adults. When my children were little it was the same intensity but I wasn't able to bask in that love, to enjoy it as much if that make sense.
When I collected my children from school they were happy so me, and occasionally would run to me, though usually just acknowledged my existence and carried on with their friends playing etc, but my DGD oh my she RUNS and knocks me over but its because I don't do the school run that often due to distance, her face when she sees me just blows me away sniff
All my children know that even a mention of DGC will make me smile and I can actually feel my heart swell with pride that MY DD made those delightful DGC

[merrymouse]

Anyone can enjoy the pleasant bits of parenting and grandparenting.

Love is the thing that drives you when you are dealing with the difficult bits.

The only way a grandparent can have an equivalent love is if for some reason they are actually parenting their grandchild.