do grandparents love their grandchild more than their own child?

[Hiphophap123]

MIL has been telling me repeatedly that 'grandmothers love their grandchildren more than their own children.'. She tells me her friends agree with her on this.

The first time I heard this I thought it was a bit of an odd comment. The second time I thought it was a bit inappropriate to say to me. Now with it being said repeatedly I'm feeling offended as I feel like she's suggesting that she loves DC more than I do. We have had some issues with mil being very controlling and not recognising us as the parents so that doesn't help. Im also concerned that she will say this infront of her 2 sons which could be hurtful to them. I'm particularly interested in comments from any grandparents.

• is it true? Do GPs love their GC more than their DC?
  
• is it normal to tell your DCs this?
  
• how can I respond to this firmly without being offensive? MIL doesn't take hints u have to be clear but I really don't want to be rude! If I said ' I think u may have forgotten how u felt as a new mum. It isn't even possible for me to love anyone more than my DC' Or 'I think that's really sad for your DC maybe u shouldn't say it to me or them.' Any ideas?

[maizieD]

Of course not. I utterly adore my DD. Love her DS but not in the same way at all!

[Asskicker]

They get bought ice creams, sweets and so on from my mum that I would never have been allowed.

Same here. I think it's because they aren't in charge of the day to day stuff. Worrying about how many sweet treats they have had this week, isn't their responsibility.

This is the one area I had to put my foot down with my parents. Because they don't have them a lot they want to treat them when they do.

[LittleBeautyBelle]

Not sure how your mil means that statement, would have to have more info with the context around her saying that...if that is the only thing she says or does that bothers you, then I'd say try to accept that she feels so strongly about the gc, but if there's weirdness in your or your dh's relationship with her already then that's different. If this is one more odd thing on top of a bunch of other malicious things she's said and done, like my mil, then I understand why this could be the last straw type of statement. Could you give us more context?

I can give you my own mother's feelings. She had six of us children, and also has six gc. She has always said it this way: she loves her grandchildren not more than her own children, but double, because each grandchild is the child of her own child so it feels like double the love. The way she puts her feelings about it is very endearing to me and does not mean she loves us any less and the gc more. She has a fantastic and loving relationship with all of us grown kids, and all of our children, and all our spouses, whom she considers her own children too.

[Atenco]

Strange thought. I can't see how I could love my dgd more than I ever loved my dd, but maybe because she is a child, at the moment it is a stronger love than I have for my dd.

[badg3r]

My mum says before my DC was born she didn't think it was possible for her to love anyone as much as she loves her own DC (first GC). But it's a very strange thing for your MIL to say that she loves the GC more than her own DC.

I would say something like "Gosh, you've mentioned that a few times now. It's such a strange thing to say. I can't possibly image anyone loving anyone more than I love DC. It's so sad you don't feel the same way about your own DC." And in my head I would be thinking "You weird-o, stop being so weird. DC loves me about a billion times more than they love you. If we're playing that game. Which we're not."

[Narp]

I think it's crass for them to say they love their grandchildren more than they loved their children, but I do understand that maybe the love they have is less complicated, and goes along with less stress and worry

[magimedi]

I'm another new grandmother. I always hoped to be a grandmother & was looking forward to it but I was amazed at the rush of love & emotions that came when PFGC was put in my arms.

I love my GC very dearly but not as deeply as I love my DS.

[steppemum]

Next time she says it turn to her with a look of surprise and say:

'how sad for your boys that you didn't love them that much'

[UndramaticPause]

My mum sees me as a means of getting access to my dc. She makes no bones about this fact either and if she had her way she'd choose to remove me entirely from the chain

[MitzyLeFrouf]

Are you never tempted to remove her from the chain Undramatic?

[aprilanne]

to be honest no while i adore my grandaughters .i dont think it is possible to love anyone more than my son,s.its a different kind of love you must understand you are not there number one there parents are .they are my childs child not mine

[Duckdeamon]

undramatic.

[LeotardoDaVinci]

Not necessarily. My mum who adores her grandchildren says that I came and so come first!

[tiggerkid]

I may be wrong here but my personal observation is that usually grandparents don't love their grandchildren any more than they loved their own children. If they love their children, they tend to love their grandchildren. If not, then they are quite indifferent to the grandchildren too.

I would only agree that grandparents often tend to spoil grandchildren more and I think that's because of generally 2 reasons:

1. they don't work and hence don't feel as stressed
   
2. they are older and become a bit wiser having learnt from some of their mistakes as parents
   
   Neither of these scenarios applies to my case unfortunately

[MaidOfStars]

I'm feeling offended as I feel like she's suggesting that she loves DC more than I do
That's not the logical conclusion. She's saying she loves your DC more than she loves her own children (their father). There's no way to measure her statement against your love for your children.

Of course, that's just the technical logic. What she means is that you can't possibly understand how she feels about your children and that it is somehow greater than your depth of feeling. But I agree with badg3r - you deal with her statement at face value with "How sad to say that you love your grandchildren more than you love your son."

[Goingtobeawesome]

I read it as she is saying she loves her grandchild more than she loves her child, not that she loves the GC more than the parent does. And just because anyone says their friend agree with them it doesn't make it true! They probably think she's a loon but don't like to say.

[EndothermicVertebrate]

I sometimes wonder if my mum feels like this.

She and I have a pretty good relationship but we are very different characters and my God can we rub each other up the wrong way!

With DD she gets all the good stuff plus the bonus of DD being a little bit more similar to her and less likely to argue/answer back.

Having said that, DD is 11 and very much a teen in training so I suspect Mum might be in for a rude awakening in the not too distant future .

[Branleuse]

a bit of a weird thing for her to say, even if it is true for her. Doesnt make it true for other people

[bigTillyMint]

I don't think that is generally true. However, as the last part of most parents experience of parenting is the terrible teens, then I'm sure a baby/toddler/small child looks way lovelier in comparison - speaking as a mother of 2 adorable teens

[UndramaticPause]

mitzy it wouldn't be fair on my dc or my dad who have done nothing wrong. I just make sure I don't leave them alone with her.

[scarlets]

My 3 colleagues who are grandparents prefer grandparent-ing to being a parent even though they love their children and have good relatinshops with them.

[HeartShapedBox]

I remember sitting on my bed in the maternity ward, holding pfb, (who was approx 17 hours old) and saying to Dm "isn't he just the most beautiful baby you've EVER seen?"

Dm looked at me like and said no.
I was extremely hurt and went off on one, she was all "but you're the most beautiful baby I've ever seen, of course he's lovely but he's not mine, etc etc etc" - in my loopy post-natal state, this did NOT cut the mustard at all. Poor Dm (still not forgiven her )

OP, your Mil sounds weird. How hurtful for her kids.

[patterkiller]

My DM lost interest in me the day my dd was born. Not so much with my sister when she had dcs. But hey ho that's life. Dhs mother adores him and the dcs are just an appendage to him so are loved but always second to him.

[UptownFunk00]

No, but they are more protective as they are younger.

At least that's the case with my parents.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I can't imagine loving a gc as much as my dc. I imagine it to be a similar love but much more watered down.