Dreading becoming a hated MIL

[FlatOnTheHill]

I have read so many MIL threads on MN and many of the attacks on MILs are for such petty, ridiculous and unnecessary reasons it makes for uncomfortable reading.
Does anyone else dread the thought of their DS's one day marrying a controlling MIL hater.

I'm not taking it out on anyone (apart from my PILs who frankly are horrible people).

However, you might want to read the posts with an open mind as your insistence that eg it's fine for anyone to buy a child an advent calendar may not be the same in all families. As your future possible DIL comes from another family, she may feel differently about things from you! Shocking, I know, but worth considering.

We have no contact with DH's mother (he refuses to even refer to her as mother, he calls her "that woman" on the few occasions she crops up in conversation). She is utterly toxic and our lives are so much the better without her in them. As a result I have a clear idea of what sort of MIL I want to be if/when I get the chance.

It's not so much about not be if a dick, even though this is important in itself, it's about following their lead and not forcing the relationship along. A whole new adult with their own thoughts, feelings, and upbringing has joined your family (and your DC has joined theirs), it takes time to adjust to the new dynamics. Treat it like any new relationship that you want to grow - be open, be kind, listen, and be respectful and hopefully you'll get the same in return. And if grandchildren should happen to come along, remember that they are not your child born again, it's not your second chance at raising them. Love them, spend time with them, try to treat them all more or less equally, and bite your tongue with parenting advice unless asked for it.

Ambroxide you I just reminded me - my ExMiL said she 'didn't approve' of breastfeeding, so I was told to do it upstairs in her spare room.

Her own daughter however was allowed to do it anywhere she liked, including in their busy living room and dining room, a year later, because it was 'best for the baby'.

Odd shit.

Do GP really have to consult the parents re gifts confused
Not where I come from! People give and receive graciously

One way of looking at it is it is quite helpful to do so, especially if the item you are thinking of sending as a treat is something that many parents like to limit the quantity of,
Or if it's something that is huge,
Or something you are not sure the child will actually enjoy,
Or something that has quite obvious mixed views (like the toy gun thing)
Or something that creates a huge amount of mess,
Or something that you do not know if they already have.

Im currently being stared out by 9 track master Thomas's that are all identical,they are giving me evils. If a few people thought to have a conversation those Thomas's would not be looking at me accusingly Splatter would not be hiding under the table and Diesal 10 wouldn't be intimidated to fuck! And 8 people wouldn't have wasted their hard saved cash

My own MiL was a real diamond. I was lucky to have her, if only for 9 short years. Now that my eldest son is married, I pattern myself on her;

1-My son's first loyalty now is to his wife, not to me.

2- I know that am blessed that he has found a lovely woman to love him and who wants his happiness just as much as I do.

3-In the event of a marital spat, my job is to stay out of it.

4-If my son comes around to complain about things at home, I will send him right back to her to work things out.

5-I tell my DiL how much I love her and how lucky my son is to have her.

No grandkids yet, but we were told over the weekend in an oblique way that they've been trying 'for a while', and DiL is getting worried. I kept my gob shut, asked no questions and offered no advice. Just said that I love them, I'm sure things will be OK, and if there's anything I can do or if they want to talk, let me know.

It was quite hard, you know, because DS1 has always said he didn't want children so I was quite surprised and full of questions!

I think we may be sharing some kind of bad MIL karma, Liney. Same here. In fact, when I announced my intention to breastfeed, I was told I was being selfish (to which I replied 'well, I am being selfish on behalf of my baby because it's best for them') but when SIL breastfed for about two minutes it was a bloody miracle beyond miracles.

Also, they both used to peer at me from close range when I was BFing DD which was fucking weird and quite offputting. Oh how I wish I never had to see them ever again.

How many of the complaining DILS now will be the nightmare MILs of the future...I would bet when the shoe is on the other foot they will view things differently..yes I'm looking you you DIL..

On MN you get the problems and there is no reason why it should be like that in RL. The rhyme about a DD all your life and a DS until he gets a wife is a load of rubbish!
You do have to have let go and be treating your DS as an adult, and you do have to welcome any girlfriends early on and get to know them and make them feel at home.
My sons have all chosen women that fit in and that are quite similar to me.
I have also had a good relationship with my MIL and have often had my mother and MIL visiting together. I very firmly believe that marriage is a joining of families.
MN seems very odd to me, a parallel universe in many ways and quite unlike RL, but there seem to be some very difficult women, both as MILs and DILs.
In my experience women who are close to their own mothers are very open to being close to a MIL. Maybe I am just lucky but my DILs are very family orientated.

I really like all three of my ddils and I hope they like me too.
Advice- never favour you dd's dc over your ds's and never complain about the fact that your ddil very naturally puts her own mum before you. She'd be a bit odd if she didn't!

My mil is a lovely person but sadly got it wrong with me.

I married her only child who is now 40, she still asks if he has his coat with him when it's chilly, still fusses and bosses him around.

We now have one child, a son. She encouraged him to call her 'Mum' when he was a toddler and had her own clothing, toys and buggy for him. We had everything and spares but she refused to take them, instead turning him into her own for the day.

12 years on she still calls him by dh name [her son].

Note to mil's the child is not yours, be there in a special granny role but don't ever try to undermine and alienate the dil.

Referring to her being fat and voicing dislike of her natural hair colour and housekeeping is also another bullet in the head.

It's not a competition! I aim to be totally different of course.

Ambroxide - sorry if I misrepresented you. And I'm very sorry that you've had that experience with your daughter. I just think that the OP is being a bit blinkered in insisting there could never be anything wrong with GPs buying any number of gifts for their GC, and that the parents should just be grateful. There could potentially be a lot wrong with it, and your post happened to illustrate that rather well.

My mother was very odd about BFing.
When I did it,it was shameful and gross and attracted all sorts of negative comments, when my SIL was unable to I was banned from doing it in my mothers house.
When my sister did it she was the second coming of Christ until she stopped and switched to bottles as soon as she did I became a freak again.

My mother loves my SIL, I love my SIL but by god I pity her having my mother as a MIL

Feckitall
Brilliant

I appreciate my MIL. Thanks to her I have a long list of things I will never do when my DSS's or DS bring someone home.

One of the comments that always stands out was her forgiving me for being pregnant with a boy. I don't think she sees me as an actual person.

I always had a slightly iffy relationship with my MIL, mainly because she made it clear to me more than once that she wished DH had married his ex-gf instead of me. But having a son did make me think about our relationship and want to improve it - because she's not actually a bad person, just a bit insensitive - and I hope DS's future wife will make an effort to see the best in me one day as well.

So I make sure we all keep in touch with her, because I think it must be hard not to see much of us (we're hundreds of miles away), and when she visits I make sure she gets time with both the GCs and DH, because I'm sure when DS is all grown up I'll still like to spend time just the two of us, and I don't give her a long list of rules to follow when she's with the kids, because she raised two herself, into pretty fine people, so must know a thing or two, even if she doesn't do things the same way as me.

It's not always easy, but I think it's worthwhile, and hopefully I'll store up some good karma for when it's my turn.

I only have a DD, but surely, the whole point of being a parent is that you raise your children to be adults and make their own choices and do it well? One of those choices is a partner (hopefully for life) and another is having children and frankly, as a mother of a child, I have no input into either of those choices apart from hopefully offering a bit of babysitting (if wanted) in future. Or any other support that is asked for/needed. I won't be buying anyone advent calendars or first shoes or first haircuts unless I am specifically asked to do so!

FreshHorizons
I like your comment. It makes a lot of sense. Wise words.

Thank you

The MIL threads are about horrible people. You're not planning to become horrible are you?

Treats, you didn't misrepresent me at all. Thank you for seeing what I meant - you were right about what I was saying. I am grateful for the support and kindness.

I only meant to say that I wish I had spoken up more loudly and earlier. I found it very hard to believe that my PILs didn't have DD's best interests at heart. Not all grandparents do.

Should any of you find yourself with parents or PILs who don't have your DC's best interests first and foremost in their minds when in charge of them, probably best to disengage a bit.

The tooth thing was just the most obvious example of what was wrong. But actually the basic problem is that they just never ever listened to anything I said.

LucieLucie your MiL called your baby by her son's name? Which wasn't the baby's name??

I'm not close to either my mother or my mil. Both kind, opinionated and rather controlling women. They both try to push their (different) religions onto dd. We are agnostic. I like them both but deplore that tendency they both have to judge our actions. This year I am also making dds birthday cake myself. Mil has taken this as her job for the last 10 years and I'd love to do it myself.

Oh, Geranium, enjoy making it.

Can I ask, what stopped you taking that task back yourself before?

YANBU, but theres not much you can do about it if you are unlucky. Just be yourself and keep your fingers crossed

Ambroxide - until last year it wasn't too much of an issue, but last bday dd didn't have a party but mil made the cake anyway, so we had to invite herself, fil, sil and nephews over to eat it. Youngest nephew broke dds toys and behaved really badly. Sil did nothing about it . Dd ended up in tears. So this year I make a small cake and we don't have in-laws to visit.