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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dreading becoming a hated MIL

308 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 19:54

I have read so many MIL threads on MN and many of the attacks on MILs are for such petty, ridiculous and unnecessary reasons it makes for uncomfortable reading.
Does anyone else dread the thought of their DS's one day marrying a controlling MIL hater.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 22:24

Treats
Do GP really have to consult the parents re gifts Confused
Not where I come from! People give and receive graciously

OP posts:
Ambroxide · 06/01/2016 22:25

So it's in the wardrobe for the next family baby.

Well that sounds eminently sensible. If only all PILs were as level-headed!

As I'm letting rip, here are some other things I felt bloody annoyed about:

  • feeding DD mashed potato all the time despite the fact that I kept telling them that she didn't like it (she is 9 and would still currently like to live a potato-free existence) and being surprised every week for years on end that she didn't like it EVEN THOUGH I KEPT TELLING THEM! Listen to what I am saying and perhaps I'd like you a bit more.

  • continually telling me not to be a 'precious parent' about letting DD spend a night with them. What actually happened was DD was breastfed until 2yo and then told me in no uncertain terms that she didn't want to spend the night with them.

  • continually ignoring anything I ever told them about DD's wishes/likes/dislikes/ideas/desires. I could and have literally said fifty times 'DD would love to go swimming with you' and yet they still demand to take her to bowling (she loathes it).

  • when taking care of DD in my house, allowing her to write on walls, stick stickers in inappropriate places, draw on floors (this when she was too young to know it was wrong, like age 2) and yet they are so houseproud it's actually painful to be in their house.

  • Not listening to DD telling them that she doesn't like pink or glitter or other traditionally 'girly' stuff and buying said glittery pink crap for her every single Christmas and birthday. DD is just used to their presents being rubbish, but I think that's a bit sad for her at 9. She has told them her favourite colours/styles many times.

SaucyJack · 06/01/2016 22:26

But isn't your thinking in your post at 22.06 exactly the sort of thing that would make you a nightmare MIL?

You don't think it's important that certain things are special "firsts" for the parents to do- but rather than respecting that your DIL may value these things and want to do them for her own children herself, you'd do them anyway and accuse her of ridiculous pettiness or being a jealous control freak if she dared to object.

Do you see?

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 22:29

Lostinmiddlemarch
What a very nasty uncalled for comment. You know nothing about me.
Lets hope your own DD does not have the traits of her mother or she will be every MILs nightmare.

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 06/01/2016 22:29

Why can't women stay close to their mum's FGS? Confused

I love my mum and she won't be around forever. I enjoy spending time with her. And my sisters too.

DP isn't as close to his mum as I am to mine. Partly because she lives further away. If he wanted to spend more time with her I'd have no problem with that. She's a lovely woman. But if I was feeling fragile or needed to confide in someone of course I'd go to my mum over her. Just like DP would go to his mum over mine. Don't see what's weird about that.

Sallystyle · 06/01/2016 22:31

If your MIL buys the first pair of shoes without asking or buys an advent calendar and you care then tell her. If you tell her to ask you next time and she doesn't then you have every right to be pissed off and feel undermined.

MIL once bought DD's first shoes and I wanted to do it, I didn't tell her and then she ended up buying a coat which I wanted to choose (we had very different tastes). She thought she was being helpful and no ill intent was meant. If I communicated with her there and then the problem would have been solved straight away. The problem is some people assume MIL do it to override them when they may have genuinely thought DIL wouldn't care because after all, child can have more than one pair of shoes.

I would never buy shoes or coats without asking first but I can see why others may not think it is a big deal.

BTW I love it now when she buys them shoes and coats as it saves me money.

The secret to not being a hated MIL is obviously being a reasonable person who doesn't interfere and respects boundaries, but also your child marrying a reasonable person who communicates their boundaries if you accidentally overstep them and isn't petty helps. I just hope my children marry reasonable people and if I do anything to ever accidentally overstep my boundaries they tell me so I don't make the same mistake again.

I had problems with my MIL, but most of it could be solved if we made our boundaries crystal clear and DH actually dared to say something a lot sooner than he did. Mine and MIL's relationship is back on track now after years of shit, and I look back at it all now and can clearly see my role in it as well and certainly my husbands.

Ambroxide · 06/01/2016 22:32

What you are not getting here, FlatOnTheHill, is that it's not about every MILs nightmare - as a MIL you will likely only make your own nightmare as frankly most people with young children are delighted to have other helpful adults around and don't alienate them lightly. It's really about being kind to new mothers, I think. That's what these nightmare MILs fail to get, mostly. You're going to have to let your DIL have her own ideas, and if those include her being the person who buys her child his or her first advent calendar, you are just going to have to suck it up.

Sallystyle · 06/01/2016 22:33

No one said you can't be close to your mum did they?

I thought that poster simply meant it isn't fair that women are 'allowed' to be close to their mums but if men are they are often seen as weak and mummy's boys which is wrong. That is how I took that comment anyway.

Treats · 06/01/2016 22:34

Read ambroxide's two posts again. GPs continually buying chocolate for their GC despite being repeatedly asked not to. GC's teeth now having to be removed.

"Give and receive graciously" - no. Not when your DC's health or wellbeing are at stake.

And - as the PARENT - the person with primary responsibility, it's not controlling or petty to say that there are things you would rather your children didn't have.

maybebabybee · 06/01/2016 22:34

Oh OK maybe I misunderstood! I thought there was a comment upthread about grown women shouldn't need their mothers.

NanaNina · 06/01/2016 22:34

It's SO simple OP don't buy an advent calendar

I can't believe how often this has come up on this thread. Ridiculous!

usual · 06/01/2016 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 22:36

Ladies/Gentleman
We post threads to get an opinion. Whether we agree with it or not is another thing. We are all up for a debate.
Why do some people have to comment with such venom. Why are their comments so bitter and angry for no reason. What is wrong with debating without being nasty or cutting. Why cant people be nice. Its generally not men its the bloody women.
If you dont agree with this thread then thats fine but there is no need for nasty cutting remarks when you know nothing about me yet you grasp that one thread to pass judgement. Some people are quite unbelievable

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/01/2016 22:36

I'm with saucy I may or may not be bothered by one of the children's extended relatives taking on a basic task or tradition, but unless I am asked or the matter is discussed with me then the person doing it puts themselves at risk of being considered to be annoying and overstepping.

Why is it so hard to understand that different people are irritated by different things or that a childs actual parents may wish to be asked first.

I struggle to comprehend why fully grown adults without some form of additional need can not cope with the thought that different people have different views and boundries and that you only get to choose your own and you do not get to choose them for other people's children.

Sallystyle · 06/01/2016 22:36

There may have been another post I missed.

I am incredibly close to my mum. I call her daily and if it is odd then I'm more than happy to be odd!

Ambroxide · 06/01/2016 22:37

How do you know we haven't got a reason to be bitter?

maybebabybee · 06/01/2016 22:38

Me too U2 :)

OP, "bloody women"? Really? You're accusing others of being nasty while throwing in a bit of casual misogyny there?

Horsemad · 06/01/2016 22:38

I don't really go a bundle on marriage being a 'joining of families'.

I prefer both sets to be very separate (easy to do as both families live miles from each other) and so I didn't like being referred to as her 'new Daughter'.

I already had my reservations about her before that Xmas.

Washediris · 06/01/2016 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 22:40

If someone said not to buy something of course I would not.
But turning up with a nice bag of goodies for your grandchild is not a bloody crime

OP posts:
storynanny · 06/01/2016 22:40

Smalldinosaur, same here, Ive learned a lot!
In every role we have in life eg daughter, daughter in law, nanny,mother,wife, there is a learning curve and being a mother in law is no different. Its a new experience when we enter it for the first time. I think I am better at my mil role second time round. Of course we will get it wrong at times just like we got it wrong at times when we were new mums.
I have 3 sons so one more dil and I might get it nearly right! Though what one dil finds acceptable another one might not of cpurse.
Just like any relationship it has to be worked at.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 22:42

U2
I phone my mum twice a day

OP posts:
Ambroxide · 06/01/2016 22:42

Read ambroxide's two posts again. GPs continually buying chocolate for their GC despite being repeatedly asked not to. GC's teeth now having to be removed.

To be fair, it is partly my fault as I honestly believed that they would have DD's best interests at heart and understand what I was saying. They didn't. I should have realised earlier how much they weren't listening. She is now 9 and her early tooth removal will have lasting consequences for her dental health. I feel immensely guilty that I did not protect her better. I just kept thinking that surely they must understand what I was saying and would stop giving her so much sugar.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 22:44

Ambroxide
If people have a reason to be bitter, then dont take it out on others that are not bitter Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 22:46

Maybebaby
Bloody woman/bloody man
There you go Hmm Happy? GrinGrin

OP posts: