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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dreading becoming a hated MIL

308 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 19:54

I have read so many MIL threads on MN and many of the attacks on MILs are for such petty, ridiculous and unnecessary reasons it makes for uncomfortable reading.
Does anyone else dread the thought of their DS's one day marrying a controlling MIL hater.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 06/01/2016 21:16

Oh it isn't that important to me.

I'm not going to be counting how much time I get. I'm quite looking forward to having some more freedom, going on holidays and doing all the things I didn't get to do as a young adult because I had kids so young, so I'm not going to be pining away waiting to see them all the time, but for many MILs it is an issue, especially if you read some threads here where MNers have made MIL wait for two weeks to see their grandchild while allowing their own mum to see the baby. That would upset me and most normal people I expect.

I would never put guilt on them for not seeing me as much but you do read it here often how some MILs never get to babysit, or get very limited time with grandchildren because they feel more comfortable with their own mum. I hope my son's and DIL's let me be involved to a certain extent when I'm not off having my fun

doitanyways · 06/01/2016 21:17

ButIm, I suppose for your children, really. I knew my mother's parents very well: my grandad was a rude, crude man who spat in the fire and put bets on fighting cocks and my maternal grandmother used to loudly complain about everything, call us spoiled for having toys and books, and insult my brother and I to our faces.

By contrast, my dads mum was a gentle, softly spoken lady who knitted me dresses for my dolls and loved British wildlife.

I only met her a handful of times; she died when I was six. I really wish I'd known her more but I discovered later this was my dads modus operandi and he would always be engulfed in his partners or spouses life but his former life would be excluded from theirs.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/01/2016 21:18

I think if and when dd and ds partner up it could be a little like gaining a son and daughter, not exactly obviously, but it doesn't seem a totally inappropriate or unfriendly approach to take to people who are joining your family too.

Sallystyle · 06/01/2016 21:19

And I never said it was more important to me that I see my son and DIL more, or even equal. I said that I expect to take a back seat to DIL's own mother.

Hihohoho1 · 06/01/2016 21:23

My dil is bloody ace.

She married useless lummox ds, Grinloves him and cares for him. She's excited about their first baby and they are adorable together.

We help with DIY, gardening and anything they ask really. We are there to support them. We are family.

My mil was ace too so I aim to model her.

I have 2 dds and 2 dss and totally understand that dils might want to sorbs more time with their own mothers. That's natural however my dils mother is a cow so we will be there for her if needed.

I love being a mil. Grin and can't wait to be a helpful normal sensible proud non judgemental nanna.

abbsismyhero · 06/01/2016 21:25

im more concerned about becoming the MIL from hell with my daughter than with my sons im very protective of her maybe its because she is my first?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/01/2016 21:25

Also buying advent calenders a parental role, really?
They seem to me like the perfect kind of thing a DGP might pop in the post for DGC
I sometimes send one to my DN's too. I agree if someone's going to take exception to such a gesture it is a bit petty. After all you can always just quietly buy another one if you had something particular in mind?

Enkopkaffetak · 06/01/2016 21:26

No not at all I intend to model myself on my MIL of 20 years who has been nothing but wonderful, loving, interested in me and my children. (and dh Smile There for us when needed but never prying.

My mouth has fallen open in shock several times when I read stuff here about Inlaws I am just so very happy with mine.

SoWhite · 06/01/2016 21:27

Does anyone have an anecdote about a gay son, and his mothers' relationship with her DS's partner?

I'm quite curious about how the gender would influence the dynamic.

unimaginativename13 · 06/01/2016 21:32

I look at my 10 week old DS and see why I would wear black to his wedding.

My DH said I'm a monster in law in the making. Confused

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 21:32

SaucyJack
You say - " it is overstepping the mark taking on a parental role such as buying advent calendars" Confused
Do you really consider that overstepping the mark? Buying an advent for your grandchild!
If so, then that is the sort of ridiculous pettiness I am talking about.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 21:39

Some good advice and comments on here. Thank you and noted Smile

OP posts:
ButImNotTheOnlyOne · 06/01/2016 21:39

Sorry U2. That came out all wrong. I realise you weren't saying you would become one of those MILs who count up the time spent and decide you have been short changed.

I like the sound of your plans. I'm very much of the same mindset myself.
Apologies again.

LineyReborn · 06/01/2016 21:40

I think it's the 'first' of something, isn't it? Buying the first of something, for a first baby, without mentioning it?

Personally the advent calendar thing doesn't bother me. But if it were part of a pattern of something, a subtle or unsubtle usurping of a new mum's role, I might get a bit fucked off even if I couldn't always articulate it.

ButImNotTheOnlyOne · 06/01/2016 21:43

I'd be fine with the advent calendar.

Sallystyle · 06/01/2016 21:45

Yeah, parenting role to buy a kid a bloody advent calendar? Hmm

If my DIL ever thinks I'm overstepping because I buy my gc an advent calendar I would seriously worry. I can't ever imagine my husband or any men in my family caring if their MIL bought their child an advent calendar. Not than I can imagine many women caring either.

I understand the straw that broke the camel's back.. BTDT with my own MIL, but it is not overstepping the parenting role to buy your gc a piece of cardboard with chocolate in.

It is far too simplistic to say 'don't be a dick and you will be fine' If your child marries a decent reasonable person then yes, great advice, but it really isn't always the MIL. There are just as many petty DIL's who find their MIL's a threat and get consumed in jealousy and insecurity as there are MIL's who are arseholes.

You can read gransnet to see that.

LordBrightside · 06/01/2016 21:45

"I look at my 10 week old DS and see why I would wear black to his wedding"

I'm sorry, but can you explain this? What drives these thoughts?

unimaginativename13 · 06/01/2016 21:48

I'm half joking

I'm just in a mummy boy new mother mode.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 21:48

My ex who is my DSs father has a partner.
They have a 6 month old baby. We all get along well. Thankfully.
When the baby was born I bought it a teddy bear as a gift.
Ex's partner was so pleased with it and said how lovely it was as it was their babies first teddy. Not a problem at all.

One day I went to collect DS from their house and my ex's partner said "oh she loves that bear you bought her"
How nice is that? Normal behaviour I think.

OP posts:
SoWhite · 06/01/2016 21:48

I've never bought my kids an advent calendar. Grandmas always did it. Why should I care?

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 21:51

U2HasTheEdge
Spot on Grin

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 06/01/2016 21:51

It's fine But :)

My mum is fantastic, but she hasn't been one who has been eager to babysit lots or change lots of nappies and bathe them. She loves my children loads but she is far too busy having fun and working to care when MIL sees them or how often. My older children call her all the time to talk to her, especially if they have a problem and want her opinion as well but she is very different to my MIL.

My 16 year old son told me that when he has children I could see him once a fortnight for a cup of tea for 30 minutes Grin

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 21:52

LordBrightSide
The mind boggles sometimes Confused

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 06/01/2016 21:54

Well I'll pick something else then if advent calendars aren't a big tradition in your family Flat. First haircut? First shoes? Making the birthday cake?

None of them are life or death in the grand scheme of things, but it's just the tiny things that show a grandmother can't let go of the role of mother in the family. They've their turn with their own children. It's unfair to push it onto the GC and DIL if it's unwelcome.

Good GPs make their own traditions with their GC, and leave Santa stockings or choosing the pram to the real parents.

Treats · 06/01/2016 21:56

We've had the advent calendar discussion before. it's no good dismissing it as 'petty' because the advent calendar scenario can happen in a number of different contexts.

  1. Grandmother buys advent calendar for DGC. Parent hadn't thought/ remembered to buy one. Everyone's happy.

  2. Grandmother buys advent calendar for DGC. Parent had already bought advent calendar, but is quite happy for DC to have another.

  3. Grandmother buys advent calendar for DGC. Parent has strong feelings about not having chocolate calendar/ non-religious element or has spent many hours crafting their own special calendar. But Granny didn't realise and thought she was doing a nice thing.

  4. Grandmother buys advent calendar for DGC. Parent has strong feeling....(see above). Granny is perfectly well aware of strong feelings but buys calendar anyway.

Obviously, in scenarios 1 or 2, there's no problem. Scenario 3 is irritating. Scenario 4 is symptomatic of a toxic relationship.

So "complaining about advent calendars" might be petty, or might not be. If you're a Scenario 1 or 2 MiL, you won't see the problem, but if you're the DiL in a Scenario 3 or 4 situation, you will.