Dreading becoming a hated MIL

[FlatOnTheHill]

I have read so many MIL threads on MN and many of the attacks on MILs are for such petty, ridiculous and unnecessary reasons it makes for uncomfortable reading.
Does anyone else dread the thought of their DS's one day marrying a controlling MIL hater.

I hope I get a MIL like mine. She's warm and kind, she dotes on the children without being stifling (the kids stay with PIL almost weekly for a night or two and love it), she encourages their interests and she only ever offers advice if it's asked for and never takes offence if we don't take it. She also respects our parenting styles/choices even if she doesn't agree. She believes that she had her chance to 'make her choices and mistakes' and a Grandparent's job is to spoil the child, support the parent and give me a break when I'm at breaking point with illness/sleep deprivation etc.

I am sure that anyone who follows Hesterton's advice can't fail to have a positive relationship with their DILs

@I would always go to my dm rather than my mil. Not because we don't get on, we get on amazingly, but she's not my mum."

This I don't understand either. Why do so many grown adult women "need" their mothers in this way?

Lord Because their mums are one of their closest friends? And friends share things, and help each other out?

Its not a need. Its a want.

My mil is lovely and kind and would do anything for my DS. I think I'm the problem - I can relate to the advent calendar comment as I can imagine myself being irked if she did something like that, even though I know it's incredibly petty and ridiculous of me. I'm trying really hard to just let stuff like that go.

Hesterton - if my MIL wasn't so amazing I'd swap her for you.

You're bang on, lovely lady

Cotto

LordBrightside I know what you mean but my daughter wanted me to stay after dgd was born on the basis she'd had a c section and needed help to wash for her knees down for a few days. As much as she gets on with her MIL she said that she feels more comfortable with me with visceral stuff like that. And I can understand that. She also knew that I had a tough time after she was born and so I could empathise with how crap she was feeling and didn't have to act anything other than frazzled, weepy and totally knackered.

While she is a very independent person, I totally understand why at vulnerable times in your life, you'd want your Mum as opposed to your MIL

If I mean more to my ds than his wife then something has gone wrong surely.

And I'm a woman who has lost her identity a bit because I've had three children quite spaced out and been at home for most of it. But I'm determined to have my own life and social network.

I'll be there of course, if and when I'm needed. But I won't rely on my children for happiness, that's not fair.

I would always go to my dm rather than my mil. Not because we don't get on, we get on amazingly, but she's not my mum

But why would that worry you about being a MIL, I dont get your point?

Shaffron
I like your way of thinking. I hope I am like you describe one day

Op I haven't read the full thread but simply for opening your mind to ask this question tells me you will be a great MIL. It seems to be the narrow minded ones who get into trouble (I say this as a mum to DS!)

You sound lovely; you won't be hated

Also agree with usual. It cuts both ways - MIL should respect DIL, but DIL must similarly respect MIL. Mutual accommodation and toleration of differences

I have seen time and time again MIL's not getting as much time with their son and grandchildren as DIL's own mother does. Simply because DIL is more comfortable around her own mother and does most of the socialisation organisation and the men happily go along with it. I know that is a generalisation and there will always be exceptions to the rule (I'm actually one of them!) but very often when children are born DIL's family gets to spend more time with them and that is nothing against the MIL and this is even when the relationship between MIL and DIL is a good one. So I don't worry my DIL's will hate me, but I do know there is a good chance I will not get to see them much as future DIL's parents will and I might take a back seat.

I have also known women with great MILs who are simply just jealous of their MIL for no real reason and want to be the main woman in their husband's life and find MIL a threat simply because she exists.

Of course I know many MILs who are arseholes and can only blame themselves for the bad relationships they have, but I don't think it is as simple as to say just be nice. It can be quite complicated.

Hesterton - that advice is spot on.

MILs seem to run into problems when they can't accept their son's are grown up, capable adults. And so are their DILs.

Smalldinosaur - I felt exactly the same when my dc were tiny. Battered, bruised, vulnerable me wanted my mum. My Mum who would forgive me crying when my nipples hurt when breastfeeding was hard, who wouldn't judge me for being in my PJs at 3pm and who would reassure me I was doing okay. The same mum who had looked after me when I was poorly and vulnerable as a 6 year old!

Not MIL who would tell me I was pathetic for crying, spread round her home town that I wasn't coping because I was still in my PJs in the afternoon and bitch to DH about me

YANBU but it's not set in stone
Sometimes they get along just fine.

I do think we'll learn from ours what not to do

My mil is very old fashioned in her views. It is a huge problem for her that I'm not a mini her.
She says ' not telling you your business, but' a lot!
I wish she communicated more with Dh & less with me. My mother wouldn't ring Dh to get our news.

You don't gain a daughter when your son marries.
That is a ridiculous notion.

U2 - why is it so important that you see more of your dgc than the other side of the family?

MIL pulls me up on this all the time and so now I don't tell her when we see my own mum.

It comes across as controlling.

No, I look forward to my DC (teenagers ATM) having friends and partners in the future.
I look forward to meeting and getting to know them
DGC would be an amazing, awesome bonus one day too, but I try not to have expectations - it's their life. I just look forward to being a part of it all - just occasionally, or as needed

If I ever become a MIL to one of my 3 ds's partners I am going to be fucking ace!

That is all.

Well said secondtime Its ridiculous to think a DIL is going to solve a shitty relationship between a mother and her son.
Gaining a daughter is not true.

In my experience there are people that seek to build relationships with others and there are those that avoid them or, once established, look to break them up.

I suspect that the DILs that raise apparently minor, petty complaints (we can never know the full story, admittedly) may themselves become the MILs of their own nightmares.

After all, what we think and say of others usually says more of ourselves than them.

butimnottheonlyone

I don't read U2s post as saying that.

"As I said its some threads ive read in the past for example whereby a MIL bought grandchild its first ever Advent Calendar and the DIL was fuming as she wanted to buy the childs first Advent . Did it really matter? That sort of petty thing"

Yes, it matters very much to some parents. See OP- this is exactly the sort of "petty thing" that quite often turns out to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

As grandparents we will be many things to our grandchildren, many of them wonderful, and we will be able to create our own memories and traditions with them when they come along.

But we will not be, never were and never will be our GC's parents, and as such it is overstepping the mark to take on a parental role (such as buying advent calendars) unless invited. Our own tiny babies will have grown up and made lives of their own, and will now be the parents to their own children.

IMO it's the refusal to accept that ^^ that leads to about 99.99% of problems. Respect that your DC and DCIL are adults and you should be fine.