No idea why DP is having the snip today

[Notgrumpyjustquiet]

He's been going on about it for years without action yet suddenly decided to actually go through with it and his appointment is today. He says he wants to do it as a gesture to me and so we don't have to worry about pregnancy any more. I've told him I can't see the point because we hardly ever have sex I'm 44 but he's become insistent. I've asked him straight out if he's about to leave me for a younger woman and he swears no he'd say that anyway though wouldn't he. I just can't see why he's doing it. I've tried not to labour the point and I've ended up saying that it's his choice as it's his body. Which it is.

I don't really know what my question is...

Am I being unreasonable to think he's putting himself through something completely unnecessary?

Grumpy now you put it like that! Of course it's because he wants to relax about sex! My DH is paranoid about it but doesn't fancy the operation!

And for the record, yes I would very much like to have more sex with him.

Just to be cynical, men about to leave you for a younger model very much do not have the snip. It's generally the other way round - reversals left, right and centre.

I suspect he fancies you but is super scared of a late baby and decided to try and rectify things.

As he says he hopes it invigorates things perhaps he hopes you'll have more sex and knowing you can't pregnant will make it better!

What contraception are you using at the mo OP?

I also think it's a sign he wants more sex but is afraid of pregnancy. Surely this is a good thing?

If you're not using contraception at the moment, I can see that he would like more sex. Hopefully this will 'invigorate' things as a previous MN thread was eye opening about the number of ejaculations it takes to eradicate those pesky sperm from the tubes.

My parents had a child when my mother was forty three, completely unplanned (but very loved)

I don't imagine he's planning on ditching you - it doesn't sound likely to me. Maybe he's worried that you might ditch him due to lack of sex? You never know

You sound in a very similar situation to me OP. I have the mirena coil and we have always had problems with a lack of sex and it has made me really really depressed. We had a massive row frank conversation about it a couple of days ago. When it happens its wonderful but by God I wish he would initiate it more. If my DP had decided to have the snip I think I would be floored also. But I have been quite sad when I have heard about my friends husbands and partners going for a vasectomy because I feel that is a commitment to the relationship and your wellbeing. I really think thats what has happened here but I understand your reservations. He has done a good thing.

My DP became very focused on a vasectomy when he began running out of years before retirement. He was 48 and had the opposite of a biological clock ticking.

I was very pleased and relieved when my husband had the snip, it was great not having to worry anymore about contraception and the risk of unplanned pregnancy.

We've never looked back

I'm not sure why you think your husband is about to leave you, has he shown signs of this? Are you feeling insecure about things as it might be clouding your judgement.

I do think his motives are quite sweet and thoughtful: Wanting to take responsibility for contraception and also re invigorate your sex life. Totally wouldn't worry about younger women. Seems he's committed to you and has the family he wants.... Fingers crossed you have lots of fun once he's over the surgery....

People have said to me that the sex was so much better/frequent/free from worry and abandoned , after their DH had a vasectomy. Some people can be quite evangelical about it . So it could be someone has had one and told him this? It might have tipped the balance if he always meant to and didn't quite get round to it, but is secretly hoping it would lead to nights of abandoned passion but won't admit to it.............

What contraception do you use at the moment? If you both know your dh can no longer get you pregnant, it can hugely improve the spontaneity and frequency of sexual activity. However, you will almost certainly find him looking very sorry for himself for the next few weeks and worrying about how it's all healing, so be kind!! He also will not immediately be infertile - he'll need two or three months of regular ejaculations and a test to confirm the success of the procedure, first.

I always worry that once the risk has gone, so will some enjoyment...I also worry that if DH does get it done, will he feel "less of a man" or something?

I think his age is more relevant than yours. Your fertility will have dwindled to pretty much nothing by now but his won't. His vasectomy affects his fertility, not yours and perhaps he wants control both in the here and now and in the unknown future.

I think it's silly for anyone to think they or their partner is less of a man because he can't get a woman pregnant. You never hear of a woman feeling less of a woman because she has been sterilised. Men need to see themselves as more than a penis. As do some women.

OP if you are worried he isn't happy with you then talk to him. Having the snip doesn't mean not planning to leave if he is. It means he doesn't want any kids.

Talk to him. You know him, we don't, but if you are feeling insecure it's his job to listen to you and for you to hear him and hopefully put your mind at rest.

"Your fertility will have dwindled to pretty much nothing by now "

Public information announcement: THIS IS NOT TRUE. You're a lot less fertile but you are not infertile. Apparently a significant number of women getting terminations are women in their 40s who thought "I'm over 40, my ovaries have withered, there is no way I can get pregnant, no need for contraception!" and then suddenly find themselves up the duff. Continuing to have kids into your 40s was relatively common in the days before widely available contraception.

Signed: 43, just got a new coil because I'm damn sure I'm still ovulating.

Have you spent time with Other Peoples Children over Christmas? Sometimes spending time with babies or toddlers reminds you just how much you don't want any more children.

Honestly, I'd be thinking 'He's keen to have unprotected sex with someone and its not me'. Because if it had been you, you'd be having more sex already. Sorry.

once a month at 44? I'd have the snip too!!!

You cannot rely on no contraception until you are over 50 and have had no periods for a year.
So you've got a bit to go, so I think it is a very reasonable decision by him.

Abortions quite common in 40+ women who have assumed they are not fertile and then have unwanted pregnancy.

He might find his sex drive better if no risk pregnancy. Or maybe he is stressed/ tired and you could gently ask if he thinks anything else affecting sex drive - like medication, alcohol etc

My wife and I were early 40s when I was done. You all know how badly mine went

Fingers crossed he falls in the 90% that go ok. God you'd be mad if he hit the 10% = no sex life