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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that we have been incredibly inadvertently rude!

32 replies

Iambubbles86 · 04/01/2016 19:12

Its my BIL birthday next week so Ive been looking at presents within the agreed price range (£20 limit started by dps family years before we met) when it occurred to me that for the last 8 years we've been together we has massivly fucked up. We've been spending 20 on one present for permanently single bil but for our birthdays he spends 20 each meaning for years his outlay had been double ours and I never even noticed. Rather than getting him one 20 present we should have got him one each or a 40 present. I feel so stingy and embarrassed. I don't think he's noticed or if he has he hasn't said anything but other than spending the correct amount in the future not sure really what I could do to make up for the last 8 birthdays (and Christmases too)

Oh and now I just realised that we do it for everyone who buys us singular presents rather than joint... Fuck fuck fuck

OP posts:
MamaLazarou · 04/01/2016 19:13

Don't be daft. That's not how things work at all.

EponasWildDaughter · 04/01/2016 19:15

No, no, no.

We buy only for the DCs in DHs family, and the agreement is to only spend x amount on each. We have 4 DCs. Others have 2, 3 or 1. Each child still only gets x spent on them.

Maudofallhopefulness · 04/01/2016 19:15

Just get him a really nice gift and forget about it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/01/2016 19:21

I've had this realisation too, sort of. We have 3 dc who get £20 spent on them, whilst other families we but for who have two dc we also spend £20 on. I've started spending more on them tbh. It bought me up with a start when I realised it too, OP.

Groovee · 04/01/2016 19:21

Surely it's the thought which counts.

ImperialBlether · 04/01/2016 19:21

This is EXACTLY what was discussed on the taxi thread!

OP, why did you think you and your husband operated as one entity?

RNBrie · 04/01/2016 19:24

Is this on the back of the cab ride thread???

I think this sort of thing comes up a lot. In my family we don't do presents for adults and I'm the only one with dc (at the moment). My sister always sends really thoughtful gifts for them and it only occurred to me this Xmas that as she has now decided not to have children, I'll never return the favour. So I sent her a gift "from" my dc and will continue to do so.

I don't think you've been unspeakably rude and I wonder if he's even given it a second thought. But there's no harm in rectifying it in future if you want to.

NorthernRosie · 04/01/2016 19:25

You're just buying a present for one person so that's fine. If he chooses to buy presents for both you and your husband that's his perogative, he could easily buy you a joint one couldn't he?

Original poster
Iambubbles86 · 04/01/2016 19:26

Imperial- taxi thread? Is it current? I Dont know why, its not like I've fine it maliciously so you don't need to have such an accusing tone. I have a lot of difficulty with social awareness and ability to recognise/notice if I'm being rude. I am trying to work at it.

I'm obviously not the only one as pp have said they do the same.

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Original poster
Iambubbles86 · 04/01/2016 19:28

Found the taxi thread. Sorry I hadn't noticed a thread running with a similar theme

OP posts:
MsColouring · 04/01/2016 19:29

I think it's fine. As a couple you end up buying for both families whereas a single only has to pay out for their own iyswim. When I was single I was more than happy to pay out for my brothers, their wives and children at Christmas and birthdays and didn't expect the equivalent value back. Plus when you are single without kids you tend to have more of a disposible income.

Original poster
Iambubbles86 · 04/01/2016 19:30

If it helps if we buy rounds or share taxis we always pay an equal percentage ie if there are 10 if us eating we pay 40% to cover us and our kids (oh god please tell me that's right)

OP posts:
JessicasRabbit · 04/01/2016 19:37

I don't think you're rude! I'm single and buy for my bil as well as my sister and their three kids. Never get the same value back, and it's never crossed my mind til this thread. I buy for people I like and don't waste time adding up the total I've spent vs the total cost of gifts received. That's not the point of gifts.

If you're really worried dh could always ask his brother if it is a problem.

Shutthatdoor · 04/01/2016 19:39

Plus when you are single without kids you tend to have more of a disposible income.

Don't agree with that I'm afraid.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 04/01/2016 19:39

It's fine Op. People tie themselves up in knots trying to decide what's "fair" but how many variables can you introduce? How many inlaws you have to buy for compared to how many he buys for? How many children each family has? Higher v lowers earners? I mean you could go on and on!

It's a gift, presumably effort is put in to buy him something he'll like and really if it gets to the point that adults are saying "you didn't spend enough on me" then that will be the time to consider knocking it on the head.

Thetruthfairy · 04/01/2016 19:43

Maybe you could buy him an extra little something from you dc's?
I wouldn't worry about the money though, I'm sure he won't be xxx

Original poster
Iambubbles86 · 04/01/2016 19:48

Thankyou to everyone who has said it's OK. Its not what I wrote the thread for as I was genuibly expecting a slight bashing but to be told to make up for it in the future and it won't be so bad but its a relief to find out I'm not the only one and that actually a lot of people in bil position don't really mind. I will check with him though and maybe instead if doing a full double increase to 30 as truthfully we have nowhere near enough disposable funds to increase more.

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Joskar · 04/01/2016 19:48

But when he gets a partner or has kids or whatever then they'll be bought for too. If you ramp up to £40 for his gift it'll make his gifts to you look pants and he'll have to ramp up too. It'll spiral out of control. Pretty soon you'll be buying him cars and houses...don't do it. Just leave it as it is. Safer.

Original poster
Iambubbles86 · 04/01/2016 19:49

Truth- we do get uncle gifts too but then he spends 20 on them whereas we spend 10 from them to him.

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CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 04/01/2016 19:55

Yes what Joskar said. Seriously Op, don't get caught up in this. The point of setting a limit is to avoid cost getting out of control as families grow and is sensible but over thinking how much everyone spends is losing the point of gift giving imo. Presumably if he got an amazing gift for £15 for one of your DC you wouldn't be wondering where the extra fiver was? It really is the thought that counts (or it's supposed to be).

Libitina · 04/01/2016 19:57

I have one child, most of my friends have 2 (or more). They always buy my child just one present when I fork out for two.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 04/01/2016 19:57

I like PP suggestion of a gift from DC for childless aunts/uncles.

Get him an extra nice gift this year then don't worry.

Tbh I don't really get all this adding up of gifts (taxi fare and drinks yes). I tend to do handmade gifts so may spend less than is spent on me, but I put a lot of time and care into them. And I just can't afford t reciprocate cost wise. But I don't expect gifts in return, it's nice to receive of course, but if someone is a good friend and treats me well all year (generous in other ways eg. Always offers to include me in family things, feeds me etc) I'm not gonna stress that they don't rush to get me a generic gift just cause it's Christmas.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 04/01/2016 19:58

I'm not having a go at OP btw! I realise you're adding up and feeling guilty not hard done by

Pipistrella · 04/01/2016 20:24

Can you not ask your DP or his family to clarify?

Original poster
Iambubbles86 · 04/01/2016 21:05

Sorry long phonecall have clarified with dp that he really doesn't think his brother minds. And we agreed if/when he had partner or kids we would do twenty each on them too so he reckons carry on as is. Hr also noted that I bought Hus brother a eukelele for Christmas which he is thrilled to bits with and probably wouldnt have got if the budget was higher. Thanks everyone

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