to ask my DP why we arent engaged yet?

[BumbleNova]

I dont know if I am being unreasonable or not. I probably am. We have been together 4 years, we have lived together for 3 1/2. I am sure we both want to spend the rest of our lives together, we have discussed it and we have agreed we want kids and (roughly) when we expect that to be.

So the issue is that "we" are buying a house together at the moment. well - I am buying the house (I earn a lot more than he does) with the understanding that it is intended to be our family home.

I am making a real and very hard earned commitment to our future. I have no problem that he isnt contributing financially, but I am unhappy that he isnt committing to me to the same degree? i.e that asking me to marry him should be his part of the deal?

we first looked at rings two years ago today. I honestly couldnt care less about a ring, I dont want a diamond. its what it symbolises. I feel very taken for granted.

how do I raise this in a non-accusatory way? I tried to raise it in a jokey way on holiday about a month ago and he got very defensive. I clearly tried the wrong tack. we got back from a few days just us in a very romantic place last night and I found myself crying silently in the kitchen when we got home. just sheer disappointment. help?!

From what the OP says, all the works away stuff I wonder if her chap is a 'rolling stone' type?
Not in his nature to settle down
Maybe their needs and goals are just not aligned....he's a round peg and she wants to fit him into a square hole

johnluther

just saying from what I have seen this has been the case

I have seen female friends waiting around for years for a proposal and it makes me cringe. and they are never happy once they are married as the man wasn't really arsed about it and the woman knows full well that they wouldn't be married if they hadn't have kept going on about it

dh said that right from getting together with me, the depth of his feelings scared him, and he had never had this feeling before (even though he had been married before!) and he could not imagine life without me, hence the speedy proposal.

so just out of interest, did you not know your DW was the one quite quickly? and why not? why did it take so long ?

sorry if that's nosey, just wondering as would be interesting to hear a males perspective

When we chatted about it later, he said that he got defensive because he sort of felt that asking me to marry him was his decision, and that he wanted it to be something that came from him - not something that looked as if he had been talked into.

I find this very depressing. Surely marriage should be a mutual decision, not a good conduct prize awarded by the man to the woman.

I'm beginning to think the whole proposal business is sexism writ large.

OP, in answer to your question. I think you should tell your partner that you want to get married and that until he's prepared to commit to you, you don't want to commit to him.

Unfortunately I fear you'll go on underwriting his lifestyle and making excuses for why he doesn't propose.

Rhi yes that's very worrying actually. And sexist.

In OP's shoes this would actually be a deal breaker for me.

it's not 1836! Women don't have to be mute wallflowers any more!!

I'm sorry, I haven't read the whole thread

I would not be jointly investing in any shape form or fashion with someone who has displayed reluctance to commit to a relationship such as you seek OP. What exactly is contributing? For you to have children, you go back to work, while he lives in a house with babies, a house that you have financed?

Call me what you like posters, but I wouldn't shape up to that call.

I thought he had his own job: the nanny will be looking after the children

Thehouse it's not a deal breaker for the op (though it would be for me) as she also wants him to ask and it to be his decision.

So they are possibly well suited

No funnyperson OP clearly says the idea is for the DP to be a SAHD.