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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my DP why we arent engaged yet?

183 replies

BumbleNova · 04/01/2016 11:14

I dont know if I am being unreasonable or not. I probably am. We have been together 4 years, we have lived together for 3 1/2. I am sure we both want to spend the rest of our lives together, we have discussed it and we have agreed we want kids and (roughly) when we expect that to be.

So the issue is that "we" are buying a house together at the moment. well - I am buying the house (I earn a lot more than he does) with the understanding that it is intended to be our family home.

I am making a real and very hard earned commitment to our future. I have no problem that he isnt contributing financially, but I am unhappy that he isnt committing to me to the same degree? i.e that asking me to marry him should be his part of the deal?

we first looked at rings two years ago today. I honestly couldnt care less about a ring, I dont want a diamond. its what it symbolises. I feel very taken for granted.

how do I raise this in a non-accusatory way? I tried to raise it in a jokey way on holiday about a month ago and he got very defensive. I clearly tried the wrong tack. we got back from a few days just us in a very romantic place last night and I found myself crying silently in the kitchen when we got home. just sheer disappointment. help?!

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 04/01/2016 12:28

OK, a few things that jump out at me:

  1. He is clearly putting a lot of effort into his job by working abroad all week yet all you can say about his work is that he earns less than you.
  2. You clearly have no expectations of him having a fulfilling career as you've suggested that he be a SAHD for your children when you have them.
  3. He's about to move into a house entirely owned and funded by you and you are generously going to give hima discount on living costs since he earns so much less than you.

Has it ever occurred to you that he might feel emasculated and somewhat belittled by the relationship? I'm struggling to find any mention anywhere from you of what he does to enhance your life, or any expression of any affection or love for him (the impression is that he is a convenient accessory to your visions of a future where you Have it All). No wonder he does't feel in the mood to propose.

FWIW I earn more than my husband and have no objections in principle to men being SAHDs, but I find it rather cold that you appear to have already decided for him how his career will pan out when you are both probably still quite young and a fair way away from having kids.

yorkshapudding · 04/01/2016 12:31

OP you mentioned that you previously looked at rings together and that he doesn't have much spare cash at the moment. Is it possible that he's saving for a ring and putting off the proposal until he can afford it? I don't want to get your hopes up as he could well be dragging his feet for other reasons but it's something to consider. I know you said in your OP you're only bothered about the ring in terms of it's symbolism but does he know that? As you've mentioned "romance" a few times and implied you want the traditional "proposal" he may be thinking that's what you expect and that an expensive ring is part of this. However, as with all the points raised here so far, you'll only really know for sure if the two of you sit down and talk about it.

LardLizard · 04/01/2016 12:32

It's funny how we are all feminists about something but not others

Like we expect dads to do an equal share etc yet we expect to be proposed to

Op if you want to marry him, why haven't you asked him?

Original poster
BumbleNova · 04/01/2016 12:32

Um jessieMcJessie you missed my post where the SAHD idea is all his? and I said that I am quite happy for him to change his mind?

I am not talking about his work because what he does is very niche and very specialised and I dont want to out us both. he is very talented and very intelligent but what he wants is a shed, a garden, some woodwork, family and dogs. if that would make him happy rather than commute to Europe every week i'm not sure I'm being cold?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/01/2016 12:34

I think you are flogging a dead horse here.

JessieMcJessie · 04/01/2016 12:35

I cross posted with your post at 12:17 that does answer some of the points I made.

Who suggested you move in together after only 6 months? Him or you?

JessieMcJessie · 04/01/2016 12:37

Cross posted again. That post had not yet appeared when I posted mine.

However you still say that practicalites and romace should be separate. That IS cold.

Hatethis22 · 04/01/2016 12:39

That is bloody sensible!

JessieMcJessie · 04/01/2016 12:39

Oh and the bit about him being naive about tax and now being very sorry also sounds a but patronising towards him.

Original poster
BumbleNova · 04/01/2016 12:40

jessieMcJessie he did.

yorkhapudding I hope you are right, I have been trying to tell him for the last year or so I dont want diamonds, he has said about getting me the ring I deserve which is wonderful but unnecessary.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 04/01/2016 12:40

If you're both young then fair enough. If you're over 30 then I think it's make your mind up time. I wouldn't buy a home mainly on my wages and call it a family home unless I was married. At one time men had control over proposing marriage because they held the purse strings. This is no longer the case.

JessieMcJessie · 04/01/2016 12:41

Hatethis it is sensible to not get carried away by romance without making sure you have thouht through and discussed all the practicalities. It's not necessarily a good thing for a relationship to never let a little bit of romance creep into your practical planning.

gleam · 04/01/2016 12:43

'the ring I deserve' - smacks of putting things off, imo.

EssentialHummus · 04/01/2016 12:44

OP you mentioned that you previously looked at rings together and that he doesn't have much spare cash at the moment. Is it possible that he's saving for a ring and putting off the proposal until he can afford it?

I had this experience - my DP's expectations of a ring were waaay beyond mine, and he felt he couldn't spend what he "needed" to during a period of self-employment. Got a new job, bought an engagement ring I found exorbitant after lots of time on "engagement ring forums" Confused. If I could go back in time I'd very clearly let him know that the maximum budget I'd (personally) find reasonable is circa £2,000.

Genx77 · 04/01/2016 12:52

He's got it made really hasn't he?! You're squirelling money away for a deposit whilst he pays off his debts. You're buying a house and taking on all the responsibility that goes with it, by your own admission you're looking for a family home and taking into consideration his needs too. He just moves in, gives up work when you have a baby, I think this guy is a lot clever than we are all giving him credit for!
Seriously OP, you're on completely different pages here. If marriage is what you want from this man then stick to your guns because from what I have read he is showing absolutely no commitment to you at all.

Samantha28 · 04/01/2016 12:55

I think you need to stop seeing marriage as a symbol of romance or love and recognise that it's in fact a legal contract . Then you can evaluate what you want and when you want it .

Stop reading bridal magazines and put on you solictors hat

chocorabbit · 04/01/2016 13:00

OP, what is of more interest to you? The quality of the ring or getting married? I agree that you have to ask him calmly, tell him that you would accept the cheapest golden ring (if that's what you want e.g. do you really want diamonds?) and if he still gets grumpy and irritated then I would fully agree with HowBadIsThisPlease that he doesn't give you the chance to talk properly. These were exactly my own thoughts too but I couldn't have written them down as sensibly and clearly as HowBadIsThisPlease did on the first page.

expatinscotland · 04/01/2016 13:05

You're doing all the chasing here. Why? I can't imagine chasing after someone like this. You know why? Because ten years from now, you will be doing all the chasing for an entire family - all that goes with it, all the decision, all the policing - whilst your passive partner kicks back. I've seen it happen.

PaulDirac · 04/01/2016 13:06

I don't understand the situation. Can't you just tell him you want to get married? And then get married? Or if he doesn't want to then break up.

WoodHeaven · 04/01/2016 13:09

OP imo the buying the house has nothing to do with your issue, ie commitment to the relationship.
It's your house, your name on the mortgage, you've saved for the deposit. It no mjore shows your commitment to the relationship than if you had bought a new car.

The issue there is that you are seen house = commitment when it isn't as he has had no involvement into it (ie no financial commitment, no name on the deeds, no effort to save some of the deposit etc...). This is not his responsibility. It would have been a very different matter if you had bought the house together (ie financial responsibility from both sides etc etc).

I would have a serious chat with him re commitment and do you show your commitment. You need to tell him what it meqns to you and he needs to tell you what it is to him (Or do you have an idea alreeady by any chance??)
There is nothing wrong with asking the question yourself either.
I did it and we went together to find a ring. But then I never had the 'romantic, fantastic proposal = great commitment' idea in mind. Imo these type od proposals (think going on one knee, surprise gift, splendid location and what not) aren't always the signs of a good, strong relationship.

FreshStart2016 · 04/01/2016 13:10

Call me old fashioned - but you already ARE engaged - as you have both discussed your marriage and agreed to it.

So, I would ask him, "let's set a date - when shall we hold the ceremony?"

ohtheholidays · 04/01/2016 13:15

OP you sound like your walking on egg shells already where it concerns your partner and that is not a healthy relationship,I was in that kind of relationship and it stole nearly 10 years of my life.

I would be ending the relationship if I was you not worrying about making more commitment to it.If it carrys on the way it has been can you imagine how much harder things will be when you throw children into the mix.Even couples that have the best and most stable relationship can face serious problems once they have children.I had 2 sons with my ex husband so I haven't been able to get him completely out of my life for years.

VintageTrouble · 04/01/2016 13:18

I agree with Fresh completely. You are engaged! But I have a lovely lovely friend who is essentially brow beating a BF who SAYS he wants to get married, and takes her ring shopping (sound familiar OP) but does absolutely nothing practical to get them towards the aisle. Because he doesn't want to get married. He has a whole other host of issues which I won't go into to, but it's sad and painful to watch.

Say to him, right let's not worry about the ring at the mo - when shall we get married, let's set a date - and see what he says if that's what you want.

But, what's the point in convincing, suggesting, coercing, someone into marrying you? It should be really really easy to get married or to have a discussion why you don't want to get married. If it isn't that kind of gives you your answer.

expatinscotland · 04/01/2016 13:21

K, so you want the whole thing: the proposal, the ring, the wedding. There is nothing wrong with wanting that. There really isn't. It's not an inherently bad thing to want, either. And it's what you want.

The problem is that it won't happen with this guy.

So you either accept that or move on.

Borninthe60s · 04/01/2016 13:26

Just talk to him. And buy the house in your own name.