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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think "You're too thin" is just as rude as saying you're too fat.

126 replies

MySordidCakeSecret · 04/01/2016 08:52

After being told the other day by my neighbour that i was too thin and i shouldn't lose any more wieght...

and it's no one's damned business what weight someone is either way!

OP posts:
insertimaginativeusername · 04/01/2016 12:43

Whether it's more hurtful or less hurtful will depend on the individual

Which is why it's silly to try and minimise what other people feel, based on our own experiences.

^Yes

Bertrandrussell my friend is a size 6. She has countless comments on her weight which are hurtful her as people imply she must have an eating disorder. I know having lived with her that she eats like a horse. So yes, a person can be that size regardless of what they eat and yes it can be rude to imply otherwise.

spilttheteaagain · 04/01/2016 12:44

I objected to being told I was too thin when my BMI was between 19 and 20, because I wasn't I was ideal for me (small wrists etc so not a big frame). However when through illness I dropped down to BMI 18-18.5 and friends said I looked too thin that was fine, they were concerned, and I wasn't well so it was warranted. 8st4/5 when you are 5 ft8/9 ish is a bit small, or at any rate it was on me!

snowinginthewoods · 04/01/2016 12:57

Betrand it bloody well is upsetting, to be honest how dare you try and minimize how it makes me feel? I've also (very recently) had a total stranger (friend of a friend) put her fingers around my upper arm and squeal in front of a table full of people at how thin I am. I was totally mortified and my friend spoke to her afterwards to tell her as much. I would bet £50 here and now that no-one would consider doing that to an overweight person.

As it happens I have a lot of overweight friends and I think I would know if they had ever had comments made about their weight. My closest friend of 40 years is pretty big and she's never mentioned anything and I know she would tell me if she had.

You are free game if you are thin and that is the end of it.

WhirlwindHugs · 04/01/2016 13:00

It is justas hurtful.

The thing that gets me is when I am honest and say 'actually I'll always be small because of ill health' people reply 'oh you're so lucky!'

FUCK OFF.

I always dread January because diets etc become normal small talk.

The worst thing will always be the sonographer who accused me of being anorexic and hurting DD1. I am not anorexic and never have been.

thedevilinmyshoes · 04/01/2016 13:00

it's hurtful AND it can be harmful

the very notion of parity of distress between individuals is utterly fucking absurd

Lurkedforever1 · 04/01/2016 13:02

Yanbu. It's so rude. I wouldn't dream of randomly commenting on someone's appearance/ possible eating habits/ how feminine/ attractive/ their mental state etc based on their % body fat, so why it's fair play when you're thin is beyond me.

I'm thin, and look thinner still cos of my build, height and enjoyment of sport. I'm also the picture of health with a healthy self regulating appetite. Dd is the same. And I have no intention of being ashamed of my body because somebody elses insecurity leads them to insult my shape.

And yy on size 6 being natural for some of us. Let's face it, without vanity sizing it's an old size 8.

thedevilinmyshoes · 04/01/2016 13:02

something more than unwittingly stigmatising about the general affront at 'accusations of anorexia' though

it's not a crime or something to be ashamed of, is it? Eg I wouldn't feel 'accused' of epilepsy if my eyes glazed over momentarily

goodnightdarthvader1 · 04/01/2016 13:03

Bertrand You never answered my question: are you thin? I'm guessing the answer is no.

As PPs have pointed out, you don't get to decide that comments about being thin are less hurtful than comments about being fat. They're equally as hurtful.

snowinginthewoods · 04/01/2016 13:05

Yes being a 6 is natural for me in that I eat what I want and stop when I'm full. There is no restriction of food so therefore it is my natural state of being. Just because I eat less than someone who is a size 20 doesn't make me any less 'natural' surely?

WhirlwindHugs · 04/01/2016 13:07

She told me I was hurting my baby by not eating enough. That's an accusation and a half.

I was eating enough - I had severe morning sickness plus my underlying health issue (there are surgical scars on my stomach if she hadn't read the notes) I spent months panicking then DD1 was born weighing a perfectly healthy 7lb8oz.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 04/01/2016 13:09

The thing that gets me is when I am honest and say 'actually I'll always be small because of ill health' people reply 'oh you're so lucky!'

Whirlwind, I used to delight in when people would say (with a nasty gleam in their eye) about how lucky I was to be thin, and I would answer, "Well, I've also been naturally thin but at the age of 21 I developed diarrhoea-predominant IBS and I'm now lactose and gluten intolerant and spend most of my time feeling ill, so I don't feel very lucky." That was in the days when I shrunk from being a size 10 to a size 6. Even the assholes would struggle with a comeback for that. It was pure gold.

I also got to pull that explanation out when at restaurants and was questioned on why I was eating the chicken salad instead of a burger (or the many many other items on the menu that contained lactose and/or gluten).

ricketytickety · 04/01/2016 13:12

fluffy - I have that too - from men and women. I've had men tell me the don't like large breasts in conversation at work!! Who cares?!!! A woman who remarked on their size when we were introduced. How do you answer 'wow, you've got massive boobs!'. I think it's an easy way to objectify therefore insult you with less conscience.

FluffyPersian · 04/01/2016 13:16

Rickey – It’s just so odd and bizarre isn’t it?

I’ll always remember when I was at Uni at the age of 19.. and there was this creepy bloke on our course who was about 45.

He steered at least 50% of the conversations he had with me (whilst standing with my friends and others on the course) round to how ‘He’d never liked women with a large chest’ and ‘What’s the point of having a large chest?’ and ‘Most men who want you are probably obsessed with porn’.

I said NOTHING to him to have him comment like that – and it’s happened on a number of occasions.

It’s like, if you met a bloke, stared at his crotch and then said ‘Listen mate, I don’t like men with big todgers’….. Who would do that??? Noone!

I try very hard to not care, however I do have a lot of minimiser bras at home as it’s just crap when people stare when you’re out in public Sad

Funinthesun15 · 04/01/2016 13:28

As it happens I have a lot of overweight friends and I think I would know if they had ever had comments made about their weight. My closest friend of 40 years is pretty big and she's never mentioned anything and I know she would tell me if she had.

Just because you haven't heard of it, it doesn't mean it hasn't happened. People on this thread have said they have. Do you not believe them, just because it isn't your experience?

I have never had any comments about my weight, nor have others I know. Doesn't mean others people haven't

I'm a size 10 before someone starts the 'are you thin' questions

goodnightdarthvader1 · 04/01/2016 13:34

I think we can agree that under- AND overweight people have had offensive comments thrown at them. It probably, in the grand scheme of things and considering how many assholes exist, ends up being about the same number for both groups.

However, it is more socially acceptable to skinny-shame than it is to fat-shame (in casual conversation - not talking about the amount of weight-loss tools and adverts, etc. that bombard people on a daily basis).

We can also agree that both are BAD, and that people should keep their ignorant comments to themselves.

Lightattheend · 04/01/2016 14:03

Yanbu. I have been both slim and overweight, another yo-yo person here. I hate anyone commenting on my weight, it's my business, no one else's. I once had a boss who threatened to speak to my doctor as I had lost weight. My bmi was about 26. Last year my bmi was over 30, no one said a word (thankfully) but that is more of a concern for ill health. When I loose weight and become more healthy I am very self conscious, work colleagues should keep it zipped!

CakeFail · 04/01/2016 14:12

Yanbu! It is jolly rude to make negative comments (or sometimes even positive comments) about someone's appearance. People should just keep their mouths shut.

It's a very boring subject anyway - can't stand it when it's all anyone wants to talk about; "doesn't cake look great at the moment?" meaning "so much better than before". Not that I'm projecting at all... .

LadyBaelish · 04/01/2016 14:28

YANBU. There's no acceptable way to pass casual remarks on someone's weight. I had an awful time with my IBS a couple of years ago (5 week 'flare up' where I was pretty much only eating fish, boiled potatoes, and apples) and lost over a stone, several people complimented me and completely ignored the part where I'd mention it was due to illness. And I wasn't overweight or looking slim down any beforehand, so there was no way to take it as a compliment!

Alastrante · 04/01/2016 14:34

I agree it is rude to comment (whatever the weight!).

I did do it once though. I had a very slender friend who was a) a close friend, and b) a bit too fond of doing women down who didn't eat the way she did, exercise the way she did. Nothing serious but bitchy all the same and happened a bit too often.

She was saying that someone had commented on her ribs being visible in a low cut top, and how she thought it looked fine and nobody noticed anyway. I said, yes, it is a thing that people notice and it doesn't actually look great.

I think I'd just had enough of her pointing out other women's 'defects' Blush

TheSultanofPingu · 04/01/2016 14:38

You really are so wrong Bertrand. Of course it can be just as hurtful.

I was very thin right up until my mid 20s. Name calling at senior school was relentless. We had to wear a skirt, and I remember wearing two pares of socks to try and make my legs look fatter.
I can remember one day during PE, someone saying that thin ankles were a sign of beauty. One girl piped up "Sultan has thin ankles hasn't she", and everyone burst out laughing.
I still don't really like wearing skirts to this day, it has stayed with me.

I really don't understand how you can see it as a stealth boast.

shazzarooney99 · 04/01/2016 14:40

I am so glad you posted op, ive lost quite a bit of weight through stress with my son and when people come out with comments it makes me feel worst!

thedevilinmyshoes · 04/01/2016 14:40

it's a form of misogyny isn't it, if a woman is perceived to conform to the thin ideal or the large breasted ideal or any other such thing then we are supposed to take it as a compliment

snowinginthewoods · 04/01/2016 16:05

Sorry funinthesun I absolutely didn't mean to imply that it never happens to people who are overweight but just my little straw poll of about a dozen friends and me (as the only slimmer one) none of them have ever reported nasty comments made to them. Well I lie one of them has but that was by her husband who called her fat at a dinner we were at but that's a whole other story.

snowinginthewoods · 04/01/2016 16:09

TheSultan oh I so remember being at junior school aged around 8 years old (so 40 years ago) and feeling so self conscious in gym clothes and people sniggering. It sticks with you forever and to this day I'm still dreadfully self conscious.

The skinny rib chest how I loathe it and I promise on my life that isn't a stealth boast it just looks vile. I look utterly dreadful in a bikini but part of me does think sod it I can't help it.

OnlyLovers · 04/01/2016 16:49

How do you answer 'wow, you've got massive boobs!'.

With a Paddington Bear hard stare and the Mumsnet stalwart 'Did you mean to be so rude'