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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think "You're too thin" is just as rude as saying you're too fat.

126 replies

MySordidCakeSecret · 04/01/2016 08:52

After being told the other day by my neighbour that i was too thin and i shouldn't lose any more wieght...

and it's no one's damned business what weight someone is either way!

OP posts:
BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 04/01/2016 11:19

Just got to thinking - if someone's skinny, people always ask if they're ill, but never heard that asked of a fat person.

And yet it must be just as likely that underweight is caused by an illness (eg colitis above), as overweight (thyroid/steroids/ADs/mobility loss).

How odd.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 04/01/2016 11:21

Tempus, were you overweight first, then slim, or the other way around?

Hatethis22 · 04/01/2016 11:21

Youth and thinness are held up as the ideal in our society. Women who are considered beautiful are thin. Film actresses, models, women on tv are all thin. Negative, personal comments about being 'too skinny' come from jealousy, but if someone is making you feel self conscious and ashamed of your body does the fact that they're motivated by envy make it any less upsetting? It is driven by different emotions than fat shaming but I don't think that makes it less harmful to the individual on the receiving end.

Bubblesinthesummer · 04/01/2016 11:27

I don't think I've ever heard of a fat person having what they were eating commented on breezily and by someone no closer than a neighbour/acquaintance/colleague, but it happens to me a lot.

I have seen it quite a bit. Along with certain 'should you be eating that' looks.

Shutthatdoor · 04/01/2016 11:29

People commenting on a skinny person are VERY VERY rarely being complimentary.

Those commenting on people who are overweight are NEVER complementary.

Hatethis22 · 04/01/2016 11:31

When I was fat I stopped eating at all in public because of the looks and comments from random strangers.

TempusEedjit · 04/01/2016 11:33

goodnightdarth I was slim, then obese (combination of ADs and emotional eating) then very slim, now back to obese again.

WorraLiberty · 04/01/2016 11:38

When I was fat I stopped eating at all in public because of the looks and comments from random strangers.

When I was 'too skinny' by some people's standards, I stopped eating out with certain people who would make an absolute fuss that I didn't want anything from the dessert menu.

"Oooh Worra, you don't need to watch your figure". "Oooh Worra I hope you're not dieting" "Oooh Worra, have a cream cake you could do with fattening up"

And on and on and on....

I rarely eat dessert because the main course tends to fill me up - end of.

HorseyHat · 04/01/2016 11:39

I think that people get concerned when they see very thin people because weight loss/being under weight can be related to serious illness. Its an image we may have in our minds after seeing an ill relative etc. Also weight loss can be stress related (not me though, I eat loads when stressed).

If you have lost weight then it will be will be the first thing that someone notices if they haven't seen you for a while. If something is said with concern by someone who cares I don't see the reason to be offended, if you are not ill and just very thin then you don't need to worry hey?

I have lost weight, its been a slow steady diet of nearly a year but when people see me who haven't seen me much this past year are surprised. Some mention it, some don't.

WorraLiberty · 04/01/2016 11:40

But anyway, it's not a competition.

If someone feels upset or embarrassed because other people are commenting on their weight, it's something personal to them.

Other people don't get to minimise their upset by saying they have it worse.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 04/01/2016 11:42

Those commenting on people who are overweight are NEVER complementary.

I love these tit-for-tat justifications. If that's the case (which I agree it is), can we all just agree that commenting on how much anyone eats / weighs, regardless of size, is fucking rude and we shouldn't do it at all? Or should underweight people just put up with it on the off chance that 10% of people who say rude invasive shit are trying to be complimentary (pfft)?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 04/01/2016 11:44

Sorry tempus, missed your post. If you've been fat, then slim, people will see it in a positive light (because they want to lose weight themselves), hence the compliments.

BertrandRussell · 04/01/2016 11:44

"I love these tit-for-tat justifications. If that's the case (which I agree it is), can we all just agree that commenting on how much anyone eats / weighs, regardless of size, is fucking rude and we shouldn't do it at all?"

Yes.

OnlyLovers · 04/01/2016 11:44

Agreed, goodnight.

No personal comments about weight or general appearance. Simple.

Hatethis22 · 04/01/2016 11:44

As I said, it's not less hurtful because it comes from envy.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 04/01/2016 11:46

Bertrand, if you agree, why are you so vehemently minimising what underweight people go through?

TempusEedjit · 04/01/2016 11:48

goodnightdarth it didn't feel very complimentary having people telling me I'd lost too much weight and was I ill? But to me it was still less hurtful than the "fat" comments. But both equally rude.

WorraLiberty · 04/01/2016 11:54

Whether it's more hurtful or less hurtful will depend on the individual

Which is why it's silly to try and minimise what other people feel, based on our own experiences.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 04/01/2016 11:58

Tempus Of course that's not complimentary, that's horrible. I'm surprised you found that "less hurtful", but each to their own, I guess.

Sallystyle · 04/01/2016 12:15

I have been fat and I've been very thin.

At my heaviest I wasn't what people would see as obese but I was clearly overweight. No one said a word about it.

When I lost weight people had a lot to say about that. Some of the comments were on the lines of how I look like a little girl now I've lost weight (I have small boobs and not many curves) and how unhealthy I looked. I didn't look unhealthy, it was just a shock I think because I lost it quickly.

If I was morbidly obese I may have got more comments about my weight, I didn't feel discriminated against for being fat, but maybe if I was fatter I would have been.

Comments either way are rude and can be hurtful. It didn't make me feel good to be told I looked like a little child or have my body commented on like it was everyone's right to be able to voice their opinion on it. It made me feel quite self- conscious at times.

thedevilinmyshoes · 04/01/2016 12:18

people are annoying and they simply don't think

am trying to be less eating disordered and comments about my thinness (much as they make my heart soar) are seriously unhelpful

also have an overactive thyroid but last few times I mentioned it by way of explanation people have said 'wow you're so lucky' Angry fuck off, the fatigue can be utterly debilitating

and I'm not even ridiculously thin, have had those comments at perfectly healthy bmi

BertrandRussell · 04/01/2016 12:20

"Bertrand, if you agree, why are you so vehemently minimising what underweight people go through?".
You will see from all my posts that I have said personal remarks are rude and shouldn't be made. What I am saying is that until "oh someone said I was fat today" could ever be considered potentially a stealth boast, or until a "gosh, you're fat" comment could be considered motivated by jealousy, then there is not "parity of upset".

Sallystyle · 04/01/2016 12:30

My son is underweight just like his father was. His father was 9 stone soaking wet and he could eat and eat and eat. My son hates it, he always gets called skinny, and I know when he is next to people who are broad or even average he feels physically very weak. It's a huge issue for him. Being an underweight male is very tough as well.

I think him being called skinny is just as upsetting for him as it is for someone else to be called fat.

OnlyLovers · 04/01/2016 12:31

Bertrand, I see your reasoning, but you're overlooking the crucial point that you don't get to say how upset Person A is, or should be, compared to Person B.

FluffyPersian · 04/01/2016 12:41

YANBU.

It’s not just weight, it’s everything…. I’m overweight and oddly, don’t get comments ‘Oh, you’ve put on weight, you look amazing’, however when I lose it (Yo-yo dieter trying to sort her life out, here!) I get everyone complimenting me ‘Oh, you’ve lost weight, how much have you lost? How did you do it?, you look amazing’

I’ve got naturally very large breasts and have got a LOT of comments ‘At least mine won’t be down to my knees when I’m 40’ or.. ‘I prefer women with smaller breasts, anything more than a handful is a waste’ etc etc etc… I was born this way, losing weight makes them slightly smaller, but they are still very large. I don’t ask for comments, nor do I wear anything low cut – if anything, I cover up more… yet people seem to think it’s OK to comment on my chest.

Equally, one of my sisters is very small on top and she gets the opposite… Hurtful jokes all round. Sad

Growing up, there seemed to be more ‘social acceptability’ to insult me than my sister as every woman wants massive knockers, right? Hmm yet if a woman has a small chest – poor her, pity her and hand her a plastic surgery leaflet….

I agree with the posters who say you shouldn’t judge people on their weight or appearance… It’s a shame so many still do.