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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about DH's carelessness?

138 replies

YearlyFloralMug · 04/01/2016 00:48

DH does very little around the house but whenever he decides to do something he'll do job, make a big thing about it, but make loads of big mistakes or just be generally careless, which inevitably means I have to pick up the slack and sort it out. He is also very messy and leaves stuff everywhere yet whenever he does anything he'll put my stuff in obscure places or bin things of mine. He then always laughs it off and is never apologetic.

I am highly fucked off tonight as he had a 'sort out' today and took the christmas cards down. On our mantelpiece,tucked away at the back, which was and still IS full of stuff he's put there, there was an envelope with my name on it containing some money a relative gave me on Xmas day. DH was fully aware that the envelope contained money and that I was going to use it in town tomorrow when the kids are at school.

He has only gone an fucking binned the envelope and the money. It's currently in our filthy wheelie bin in a full bin bag from the kitchen bin. What's fucked me off even more is that he laughed about it and seems to expect that I will go and hunt through the fucking bin tomorrow to retrieve it, rather than him sorting it out. I am fuming! And upset! He didn't put away or move any of the stuff he's left laying around but the one thing I'd put on there, which he KNEW was money, he has binned.

If he does laundry he will do a dark load and somehow put a new white bra or something of mine in with it so it gets ruined. He's tumbled dried tops and jeans of mine and ruined them. He's thrown away make up and things from my dressing table as he 'thought they were rubbish'. Like I said, he hardly ever does anything in the house anyway.

AIBU to be fuming? If he doesn't retrieve it I am just going to spend the money from our joint account anyway I have decided.

OP posts:
Inertia · 04/01/2016 10:22

Well, we know for a fact that none of the husband's possessions were thrown away from the mantelpiece due to incompetence MaryNary, as the OP told us that all his stuff was still there.

I know that I'm incompetent at fixing bikes. That's why I don't go and 'sort out' my husband's bike fixing tools and throw away vital parts, laughing while he goes through the bin to find them. I know he uses the garage to sort out his bike, so I don't use my incompetence as an excuse to go in the garage and make a mess everywhere while doing another job, leaving him to clean up before he gets his bike out.

cees · 04/01/2016 10:30

It does seem deliberate. Make him go and get it out of the bin. Then have a think about why he dislikes you so much and what you are going to do about him.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/01/2016 10:30

Inertia What stuff though? Was his stuff in envelopes too or was it actual objects?

WoodHeaven · 04/01/2016 10:35

Sorry, but even though I wouldn't say it was deliberate as such, I would certainly say that his 'inattention' WAS deliberate. ie he is quite capable to be careful with his stuff but not with the ones of the OP. What he is showing is that he just doesn't care at all about the Op's stuff, which also means he doesn't care at all about the OP either.
What gives it away is that he is completely unapologetic about it, is laughing at the OP and hasn't tried whatsoever to find said enveloppe. Actually he is expecting her to go through the bin to find it (Maybe he thinks it's beneath him, but not her, to go through the bin? Or just that's it's too dirty therefore doesn't want to make the effort :()
That and the fact it's not the first time it happened.

Tbh I couldn't live with someone behaving that way.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/01/2016 10:36

How much are we talking.

I'd have told him he had 2 choices either he finds it in the bin or he gives me the replaces it from his own money.

WoodHeaven · 04/01/2016 10:37

It doesn't matter if his stuff was in enveloppes though. An enveloppe is stuff. It's the OP's. He knew it (as if it wasn't his, iot had to be hers!). He has no right to put it in the bin.
God DH doesn't even throw away pieces of advert wo asking me if they have my name on it! (And nor would it btw)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/01/2016 10:40

My first thought was, either he is very unlucky, (accidents do happen) or OP is, (why is her stuff affected not his). Second thought was, did he help himself to the money.

Marzipanface · 04/01/2016 10:44

If this was my dh he would be elbows deep searching in the bin. He also would have apologised profusely. Why isn't yours doing the same? :(

Dipankrispaneven · 04/01/2016 10:45

What I find particularly odd is that a man who does very little round the house keeps deciding to "tidy" his partner's dressing table and throwing away things that he allegedly thinks are rubbish without consulting her. I can sort of see that it's not necessarily malicious because if he's a hoarder, for instance, he might find it easier to throw away someone else's rubbish than his own; but surely once you've been told not to you don't do it again?

OP, I suggest you tell him that if he were halfway decent he would have found your envelope for you by now; and if he's not prepared to do that, tell him there will be consequences in terms of you taking and selling things that he values until you are repaid.

Marynary · 04/01/2016 10:48

Well, we know for a fact that none of the husband's possessions were thrown away from the mantelpiece due to incompetence MaryNary, as the OP told us that all his stuff was still there.

He may not have thrown out any of his ornaments etc on the mantlepiece but I presume that some of the cards/envelopes he threw out were addressed to him.

Marynary · 04/01/2016 10:50

My first thought was, either he is very unlucky, (accidents do happen) or OP is, (why is her stuff affected not his). Second thought was, did he help himself to the money.

I agree that he might have taken the money. BIL would do that definitely..

Iwonderif · 04/01/2016 10:51

He's inconsiderate and unkind. If he's constantly doing things like this to your belongings etc and showing no remorse etc then it's only going to continue for as long as you stay with him. Really sorry to say this but it sounds like he doesn't like you very much & that's his problem. He has issues. He's not just a bit careless or having a "doh" moment he's aiming all this unkindness your way like a spoiled teenager wanting to piss his mom off. He needs to grow some balls and grow up. I'm not sure I could be around this man for much longer. He's doing nothing for your own state of mind.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 04/01/2016 11:04

SHE should have taken care of the cash better.

Yes. Silly girl, thinking it was safe on the mantlepiece, in her own house. Hmm Perhaps I should go and hide my jewellery in case DH bins it, or nicks it??

Damselindestress · 04/01/2016 11:13

Some of the examples do sound like he is doing it on purpose. Why would he think make-up, in the correct place on your dressing table, was rubbish? Sounds like he just doesn't value your possessions. The really annoying thing is that he doesn't understand how upsetting it is for you and expects you to hunt through rubbish to retrieve something he threw away. It comes across like he is uncaring rather than careless. You need to address why he is doing this but unfortunately it doesn't seem like he will take you seriously.

OnlyLovers · 04/01/2016 11:13

Really...SHE should have taken care of the cash better.

Oh piss off.

And even if it was an accident (and I don't think so, considering what we've heard of his past form), he should have been not only going through the bin but on his knees begging for forgiveness, not laughing about it.

ZebraOwl · 04/01/2016 11:26

My brother, with whom I share our childhood home, can be a bit scatty, and isn't the tidiest. He also works in another city much of the time so when he's here will often go in for a bit of a Taz-style tidy-up (as in, the 90's destructive living tornado of a cartoon character) to try to keep on top of his things that are here.

Clearly we don't share a bedroom, but he would never bin my toiletries that are in the bathroom, let alone any make-up I might leave in there. The most he'd do with the latter is come & give it back to me assuming (correctly) I'd accidentally left in there as I keep my make-up in my room.

Both of us check really carefully with the other before binning anything; particularly because my cats are furry little reprobates who like to make off with anything they can carry & we don't want to assume they've snaffled papers etc from one of the recycling bins when they're still needed!

If either of us binned something of the other's, we'd be out there in the bin retrieving it. And given how little goes in our dustbin, to retrieve a binbag it would take putting the bin on its side & getting in to haul the bag out. (Nice.). If it were paper we would have a nightmare because we recycle All The Things & it all goes in the one bin. But we'd still do it, while apologising frantically. And if whatever it was was Gone Forever, we'd [try to] replace it (clearly things like letters from people can't be replaced!) - I'm reliant on disability benefits but if I somehow lost a load of cash/a cheque belonging to my brother I would flipping well pay him back; & he's not very well off but would do the same were the situations reversed.

He's not always brilliant with laundry, & if he bunged something of mine in the wrong wash trying to help me out & he wrecked it, again, he'd be mortified & would apologise frantically & give me the money to replace it.

The lack of apology/contrition is what really jars with me about what happened in this specific instance & what seems to happen more generally in your household, OP. It isn't a word I'd use lightly, but I'd consider this behaviour abusive - it appears he is destroying your possessions for kicks & as a control mechanism.

LineyReborn · 04/01/2016 11:40

My ExH used to do things like this ('accidentally' chuck money out, leaving me to go through bin bags; 'accidentally' lock me out; etc) - all with a shrug or a laugh.

After he left for the OW he'd decided he deserved, it turned out he was actually an unkind, abusive man. I am grateful to MN for helping me see that in leaving, he did me a huge, massive favour.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/01/2016 11:42

Lovers you piss off.

What I said was a fact...I never defended the DH....but it's true. Money doesn't belong in an envelope on a mantle with a load of cards.

It belongs in a wallet or a bank.

OnlyLovers · 04/01/2016 11:43

Rubbish. Of course people can leave a bit of money sitting about the house.

I really can't see how it's a 'fact' that 'It belongs in a wallet or a bank.' As far as I can work out, that's an opinion.

LineyReborn · 04/01/2016 11:46

The OP wouldn't be posting if it weren't a real problem, and part of an upsetting pattern.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/01/2016 11:59

Lovers Either way, there's no need to tell people whose opinion you disagree with to piss off. It's childish.

Original poster
YearlyFloralMug · 04/01/2016 12:01

There were no cards on the mantle,just to clarify. I never said that there were...

Cards were on a card holder.

The envelope was on the mantle.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 04/01/2016 12:15

OP I think you're right to be concerned about this.

OnlyLovers · 04/01/2016 12:18

It was just a turn of phrase. But, OK.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 04/01/2016 12:21

Regardless of whether he's an idiot, thoughtless, careless or is exhibiting some dark psychological behaviour, I simply couldn't live with someone I couldn't trust. I wouldn't want to live in fear of what he's fucked up next.