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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about DH's carelessness?

138 replies

YearlyFloralMug · 04/01/2016 00:48

DH does very little around the house but whenever he decides to do something he'll do job, make a big thing about it, but make loads of big mistakes or just be generally careless, which inevitably means I have to pick up the slack and sort it out. He is also very messy and leaves stuff everywhere yet whenever he does anything he'll put my stuff in obscure places or bin things of mine. He then always laughs it off and is never apologetic.

I am highly fucked off tonight as he had a 'sort out' today and took the christmas cards down. On our mantelpiece,tucked away at the back, which was and still IS full of stuff he's put there, there was an envelope with my name on it containing some money a relative gave me on Xmas day. DH was fully aware that the envelope contained money and that I was going to use it in town tomorrow when the kids are at school.

He has only gone an fucking binned the envelope and the money. It's currently in our filthy wheelie bin in a full bin bag from the kitchen bin. What's fucked me off even more is that he laughed about it and seems to expect that I will go and hunt through the fucking bin tomorrow to retrieve it, rather than him sorting it out. I am fuming! And upset! He didn't put away or move any of the stuff he's left laying around but the one thing I'd put on there, which he KNEW was money, he has binned.

If he does laundry he will do a dark load and somehow put a new white bra or something of mine in with it so it gets ruined. He's tumbled dried tops and jeans of mine and ruined them. He's thrown away make up and things from my dressing table as he 'thought they were rubbish'. Like I said, he hardly ever does anything in the house anyway.

AIBU to be fuming? If he doesn't retrieve it I am just going to spend the money from our joint account anyway I have decided.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 04/01/2016 09:13

Why on earth is everybody so convinced that he is doing it on purpose?

He sounds pretty hopeless, but it boggles my mind that one of the first conclusions posters jump to is that he is spiteful and controlling. There are other types of man you know. Hopeless and useless is not that unlikely.

Kintan · 04/01/2016 09:23

He sounds like a very spiteful man. What is his problem!

rookiemere · 04/01/2016 09:24

I agree tatty.

When DH managed to dump half the hoover in the wheely bin my first thought was not LTB, more palm to forehead "DOH" moment.

He did plenty of hovering and cleaning in preparation for our guests this weekend, so I don't think it was a conscious action, he is just a bit like that. You'd have to be incredibly controlling and weird to throw out money.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/01/2016 09:25

Tatty - because of this: "He then always laughs it off and is never apologetic." and this "that he laughed about it and seems to expect that I will go and hunt through the fucking bin tomorrow to retrieve it, rather than him sorting it out."

NORMAL people are contrite and apologetic and will try to redress their error. THIS fuckwit is a spiteful bastard.

NightWanderer · 04/01/2016 09:25

TattyDevine Mon 04-Jan-16 09:13:53
Why on earth is everybody so convinced that he is doing it on purpose?

Because he always trashes the OP's stuff and not his own and because he shows no remorse. It's classic passive aggressive behaviour.

Gliblet · 04/01/2016 09:26

Tatty because he's reacting by laughing it off, finding the OP's distress funny, not helping to resolve the problems he causes her and not learning from it. My DH can be a bit scatty sometimes - for example he once tumble dried a favourite cardigan and left it about 4 sizes too small. Did he laugh? No. He apologised and bought me a replacement.

Marynary · 04/01/2016 09:27

You say that he "knew" that there was money in the envelope but if he had forgotten about it then he didn't "know" at the time he threw it away and it was therefore a mistake. He should take it seriously now he does know though and make an effort to retrieve the money.
If you are certain that he threw it away despite knowing money was in the envelope then there is something very wrong with him and/or your relationship.

YesterdayOnceMore · 04/01/2016 09:32

Accidentally doing stupid things is fine, albeit a little annoying.

Not apologising, laughing at you and expecting you to go through the bin is not on. This is the problem, not the bad tidying.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 04/01/2016 09:33

I agree, if it really is always (or usually) your things that get thrown away or spoilt, then it is more than carelessness.

My DH is careless "heavy handed" as he puts it - but it's not always my things that get broken, moved, thrown out etc. It's just "stuff" in general, might be mine, might be his, might be something belonging one of the DCs or might be a general household item. Although, it's more likely to be a botched up attempt at putting up a curtain pole or gloss paint on the carpet Hmm.

You need to decide which it is OP, carelessness is annoying but not malicious. Deliberate acts of spite are entirely different.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/01/2016 09:36

How many times has he "accidently" ruined or thrown out something of his?

I think the answer to that question will tell you if it is carelessness or spite.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 04/01/2016 09:37

Has he always been like this?

Inertia · 04/01/2016 09:45

If it were carelessness, he'd be remorseful and offer to help resolve the problem, not laugh in the OP's face. If it were carelessness then all of the stuff would be sorted through and binned, not just the OP's carefully hidden envelope- he hasn't just binned the lot, his own things are still in exactly the same place, he'd had to have deliberately removed the envelope.

There are just too many instances of this for it to be genuinely accidental. If he were genuinely obsessively tidy and ruthless about throwing things away then it might be a bit more understandable that the OP's stuff accidentally got ruined or thrown away; however, he picks through the OP's things to find stuff to bin and generates loads of mess of his own which he leaves OP to clean up.

I'd say it's more than deliberate. He wants to make you clean up after him, to keep you in your place. He laughs at the work he generates for you. And now he wants to humiliate you by making you scavenge through bin bags to retrieve your money so he can laugh at you. Calling it carelessness is too generous in my opinion- it sounds actively malicious to me.

diddl · 04/01/2016 09:49

Has he really thrown it away or hidden it?

Either way he sounds horrible!

Marynary · 04/01/2016 09:49

He sounds pretty hopeless, but it boggles my mind that one of the first conclusions posters jump to is that he is spiteful and controlling. There are other types of man you know. Hopeless and useless is not that unlikely.

I totally agree. As the saying goes "Never ascribe to malice that which can be explained by incompetence."

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 04/01/2016 09:53

Tatty - picture the scenario.

The mantlepiece has got random crap all over it, some of it is yours.

You think, Ooh, better tidy that up!

So you leave all the random crap that belongs to you; you take an envelope with your partner's name on it from the very back; and you throw it in the bin. Everything else, you leave.

How likely is that?

(And that's before you get to his reaction)

nocabbageinmyeye · 04/01/2016 09:55

I would have to go through the wheelie bin to see if the cash was still in the envelope, if it was I would take it and the money from his account and have double what I thought. If the envelope is there but not the cash then you have a much bigger problem on your hands

FayKorgasm · 04/01/2016 09:56

The laughing and general attitude towards your stuff OP suggests its not carelessness. He sounds mean snd spiteful.

Marynary · 04/01/2016 09:56

*Because he always trashes the OP's stuff and not his own and because he shows no remorse. It's classic passive aggressive behaviour.8

He probably does trash his own stuff but OP doesn't know about it. He shows no remorse because he doesn't want to admit or take responsibilty for all his mistakes. It's classic fuckwit behaviour.

Inertia · 04/01/2016 10:01

When the 'incompetence' is so targeted that it affects only the OP's possessions (while the husbands clothes are perfectly laundered and his stuff is strewn across the house), when the response is to laugh at the OP rather than offering to help remedy the mistake or apologise, when the 'incompetence' leaves the OP skivvying to clean up the mess or going through bins while being laughed at, it stops looking like incompetence.

amarmai · 04/01/2016 10:07

an envelope with money in it does not feel empty. He selected her envelope from behind others/his and laughed at her upset.This is part of a pattern and shows intent. Do you have cc ,op?

Marynary · 04/01/2016 10:10

When the 'incompetence' is so targeted that it affects only the OP's possessions (while the husbands clothes are perfectly laundered and his stuff is strewn across the house), when the response is to laugh at the OP rather than offering to help remedy the mistake or apologise, when the 'incompetence' leaves the OP skivvying to clean up the mess or going through bins while being laughed at, it stops looking like incompetence.

I very much doubt that the incompetance is only targeted at OP's possession and that his clothes etc are perfectly laundered etc. Incompetent people often do not admit their mistakes, make amends or learn from them.

BathtimeFunkster · 04/01/2016 10:10

You have to be really determined to turn a blind eye to malicious cruelty to describe this targeted behaviour as incompetence.

So determined, in fact, that you will gleefully take part in a woman being gaslighted by her abusive prick of a husband.

Shelby2010 · 04/01/2016 10:12

The money shouldn't come from the joint account as that means the OP is replacing half of it herself.

I would open the bin bag and tell him you've accidentally dropped his car keys/ credit card/ small but critical item of his in the bag, so he can get that back at the same time as finding your money. You don't actually have to bin the item as long as he believes you have.

Alternatively, any time he loses/spoils something of yours, take something of his to sell to replace it.

Probably less effort to chuck his sorry arse out though & live a less stressful life.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 04/01/2016 10:14

I agree with your last sentence Shelby2010. Why would anyone live with someone this spiteful?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/01/2016 10:21

MaryNary you echoed my feelings exactly! It's odd...all these posts "He's spiteful!" Confused surely it was an accident.

I know OP said he knew there was money in the envelope but she never said it wasn't an accident..she said he cleared all the cards from that area...the envelope obviously got mixed in with those.

Really...SHE should have taken care of the cash better. Though HE needed to be the one to go through the bin! Not her.