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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed about DH's carelessness?

138 replies

YearlyFloralMug · 04/01/2016 00:48

DH does very little around the house but whenever he decides to do something he'll do job, make a big thing about it, but make loads of big mistakes or just be generally careless, which inevitably means I have to pick up the slack and sort it out. He is also very messy and leaves stuff everywhere yet whenever he does anything he'll put my stuff in obscure places or bin things of mine. He then always laughs it off and is never apologetic.

I am highly fucked off tonight as he had a 'sort out' today and took the christmas cards down. On our mantelpiece,tucked away at the back, which was and still IS full of stuff he's put there, there was an envelope with my name on it containing some money a relative gave me on Xmas day. DH was fully aware that the envelope contained money and that I was going to use it in town tomorrow when the kids are at school.

He has only gone an fucking binned the envelope and the money. It's currently in our filthy wheelie bin in a full bin bag from the kitchen bin. What's fucked me off even more is that he laughed about it and seems to expect that I will go and hunt through the fucking bin tomorrow to retrieve it, rather than him sorting it out. I am fuming! And upset! He didn't put away or move any of the stuff he's left laying around but the one thing I'd put on there, which he KNEW was money, he has binned.

If he does laundry he will do a dark load and somehow put a new white bra or something of mine in with it so it gets ruined. He's tumbled dried tops and jeans of mine and ruined them. He's thrown away make up and things from my dressing table as he 'thought they were rubbish'. Like I said, he hardly ever does anything in the house anyway.

AIBU to be fuming? If he doesn't retrieve it I am just going to spend the money from our joint account anyway I have decided.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 04/01/2016 04:43

Wow, he sounds nice.

He's not going to retrieve it from the bin himself - that much is clear.

3littlefrogs · 04/01/2016 04:46

I think he did deliberately throw it away. Given his behaviour generally.

venividivicky · 04/01/2016 04:49

Do you think it was deliberate OP?

Why would he take make up from your dressing table?

He sounds like a bit of a psycho. I would be afraid to live with someone like that.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/01/2016 05:52

The money in the envelope incident is odd, yes I'd be furious too, if he didn't retrieve it from the bin himself I'd find it hard to forgive him for his selfishness alone.

Throwing away make up from your dressing table is just bizarre.

2ManySweets · 04/01/2016 06:08

Either
A) he's a total idiot who genuinely does not "get" one iota how upset you are and is behaving like a jumped up little brat because of your reaction OR
B) this is all deliberate cos he resents you

My XH was firmly in (what I thought) was "A" but on reflection it was "B" leading to "A" as me getting pissed off was not only "funny" but would kick start a chain of events that would put us back in the state he liked and could recognise best - at daggers drawn.

As a PP said, retrieve the money from the bin, and (as you would with a child) sit him down and explain to him why it's out of line and how upsetting his (childish) reaction is to you.

Just be careful; when confronted by this my XH would be all like "fine, I'll ONLY clear MY stuff away from now on, you can't ever complain again about me not tidying up properly because you've made it impossible for me to do so" ----then flounce out

If this is the attitude - or if he just laughs in your face again - you have a fundamental and endemic respect issue that you guys would need to address asap.

Loss of respect for each other is relationship cancer: it breeds a host of unpleasant and resentful behaviours that if left unaltered lead to an appalling home life for both parties.

Sorry for the doom-laden post, this scenario sounds all too familiar to me (then I left him, and I've never looked back Grin)

Sending Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/01/2016 06:21

That's not carelessness, that's deliberate and is an attempt to stop you ever asking him to do anything ever again. If he was contrite, or tried to redress the situation, I wouldn't say this - but he laughs in your face and expects you to deal with it yourself - that's deliberate.

He has no respect for you, your opinion, or your belongings.

Why do you want to be with him? Does he have any redeeming features?

Gliblet · 04/01/2016 06:28

Do these little episodes of 'carelessness' by any chance coincide with you asking/reminding/'nagging' him to get off his arse and make himself useful?It sounds to me like he's somehow punishing you for something without actually having the balls to admit to it. Either way, he's not a child - I would at the very least replace anything ruined/binned from the joint account in future (although I wouldn't be surprised if he then finds some way of 'accidentally' overspending from that account to leave you short) but tbh I'd be more inclined to go with the suggestion of putting everything he values out in the garden and emptying the bin over it for him to scrattle through.

bimandbam · 04/01/2016 06:46

My dp has done stuff like this in the past. It was never deliberate. He just genuinely couldn't imagine that him tidying up wasn't helpful.

A box with some bits and pieces for an mp3 player years ago. An envelope with money in. Other important things 'put away' and lost. Always in obscure places like the top of the kitchen cabinets or in a strange cupboard.

I just ask 'where is X, it was here and now it's not' and sit down and let him look.

It's not that he does it deliberately it's just that it genuinely doesn't register on his radar that it might be important.

A few times he has had to empty the bin. We haven't ever had to replace anything yet but he knows it would come from his money if we did.

It helps if I make sure everything has a place and don't leave stuff lying around that he might tidy away.

And with regards to housework he knows if he does it wrong or without care and attention it gets done again by him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/01/2016 06:51

So he doesn't laugh in your face then, bimandbam? He's apologetic and tries to make amends for his errors, yes?

LindyHemming · 04/01/2016 06:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohfuckohfuckofuck · 04/01/2016 06:59

Dh and I have both overzealously binned gifts, cheques etc, accidentally. The responsible party feels terrible and starts searching (in icky bins) furiously, the other will usually help. If it's not found, it'll be replaced.
There's no laughing and definitely not a repeated action.
He is, at best an arse. At worst, a dangerous, malicious sociopath. I suspect he lies somewhere in between.
He certainly has no especially god you, so you need to find some for yourself, address this with him, then act accordingly.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 04/01/2016 07:00

Very deliberate behaviour, is he spiteful in other areas of your life? Do you have kids together?

ThomasRichard · 04/01/2016 07:09

That sounds awful OP. As others have said, it sounds as though he expects you to do everything and that he hates you.

Ohfuckohfuckofuck · 04/01/2016 07:17

Especially hod = respect for
Poor typing. Sorry...

RideEmCowgirl · 04/01/2016 07:18

OP - He sounds really nasty and you must be so miserable living with him. He has no respect for you. What are you going to do? You deserve so much more.

Needtobebetter · 04/01/2016 08:31

If it was accidental he'd be remorseful and it doesn't sound like he gives a crap about any of it. If the washing was an accident then he'd ask you every time he went to put a wash on, if throwimg out your make up was a genuine mistake he'd have offered to replace it and if putting that envelope in the bin was a genuine mistake he'd have been out there the second he realised what he'd done.

He sounds like he's trying to keep you in 'your place', he wants to be spiteful and nasty. The envelope is one thing, if it was an isolated incident then it could probably just be forgiven, but this sounds like it's an ongoing issue. There is no way you, or anyone else, should put up with crap like that. I'd be showing him the door and I don't usually suggest that as a solution to anything.

LordBrightside · 04/01/2016 08:37

He sounds like a total and utter prick. Put him in the bin.

rookiemere · 04/01/2016 08:39

I feel your pain OP. DH once threw half of the Hoover in the wheelie bin as he claimed he thought it was a disposable filter despite being large and plastic.
In this case I can see how it happened. DH doesn't remember half of what I say so I can believe that your DH threw the money away by accident. However his reaction of laughing and not raking through the bin himself is disrespectful.

1frenchfoodie · 04/01/2016 08:53

Annoyingly scatty and half arsed behaviour but surely he'd just forgotten the envelope had money in when he threw it. He should retrieve it but sounds like you have wider issues to discuss if his not tidying up after himself is making you feel so stressed.

EveryLittleThing · 04/01/2016 09:01

Yearly - I think that you would be well within your rights to take money from the joint account if he will not retrieve your card for you. However - I don't think you should consider this as a solution to the matter - it would more likely be the start of uncovering what is really going on and whether you both are actually happy in your relationship. Clearly he is not respecting you. And clearly you are (rightly) unhappy with the way you are being treated and cannot respect a man that behaves in this way. No healthy relationship can function without mutual respect! Good luck OP Flowers

Pidapie · 04/01/2016 09:03

I would be so angry!! :O He should be going to that bin and find the money!

Goingtobeawesome · 04/01/2016 09:05

What a controlling, abusive, spiteful bastard you are married too. Now that you know he is not the lovely man who thought you'd married what are you going to do about it? Sad

pinkyredrose · 04/01/2016 09:10

He's a cunt.

nonetcurtains · 04/01/2016 09:12

I'd have to retrieve the envelope if only
to check the cash was still in there...could/would he have taken it out either to 'give' it back to you (I'm a super hero mentality) or worse, kept it for himself?

CocktailQueen · 04/01/2016 09:13

I'd put any valuables out of harm's way in future, sounds like he has form for cocking things up.

Horsemad, really?? Is that how you should live with your husband? I don't think so.

OP, he sounds awful - and this is deliberate. How long has it been going on? What's he like with the dc's stuff?

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