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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about this reaction or lack thereof?

33 replies

Ciabattavonbreadsticks · 02/01/2016 16:51

So, I recently got engaged Grin

MIL to be is really happy & excited, 5 minutes after telling her she'd posted it all over facebook saying congratulations etc. I was planning to wait a little bit before announcing it on fb, especially as I hadn't told any of my family yet but since she'd put a post up I thought I may as well. So I posted a picture of my ring and so on. Told my family over the phone.

My parents weren't overly happy or unhappy just rather blank about the whole thing. No congratulations or similar, just concern from DM*

*Background - a few years ago I got out of a bad relationship with exH who was emotionally and physically abusive amongst other things.

Now, I understand that in the past I haven't made great relationship decisions but DP is the polar opposite of exH and we have been together almost three years so I feel fairly confident that I'm not going to repeat my mistakes.

Aibu to be upset that not a single member of my family has said congratulations or anything similar, not even a 'like' on my status or picture? I know fb isn't important in the whole scheme of things and if they had spoken to me about it off fb I wouldn't be so bothered but I've just had no reaction from any of them.

My closest female friends are both going through relationship issues at the moment so I'm not expecting them to be dancing on the rooftops about my news but they have reacted similarly.

I've had loads of 'likes' on fb from random acquaintances but no one that I actually love or care about seems to give a damn Sad

OP posts:
tomatodizzy · 02/01/2016 16:54

No one was impressed when I got engaged, I'm sure everyone thought it wouldn't last. My in laws were the only people not to let that show. We've proved everyone wrong now (been married 15 years). Don't worry about likes, or what others think and concentrate on the great change in your relationship and new beginnings. Congratulations.

araiba · 02/01/2016 16:56

did they say congratulations when you spoke to them on the phone?

or maybe, posting a picture of your ring on fb is not the way to tell your family about the engagement?

Pipbin · 02/01/2016 16:57

Aibu to be upset that not a single member of my family has said congratulations or anything similar, not even a 'like' on my status or picture?

One of the problems with FB is that some post can just get lost because they seem to put stuff in a random order.

For example, a friend of mine had a phone call at work to say his wife was in labour, this was a Friday afternoon so I spent the weekend looking at FB waiting for the pictures - nothing. Come Sunday night I looked up his page to see that he had posted pictures etc but they just didn't show up for some reason. Could it be that some people just haven't seen it?

Also, it's FB, step away from FB and stop caring at all what people say on there.

sooperdooper · 02/01/2016 16:58

Hmm, did you apologise about your mil announcing it on FB before you'd spoken to them? Maybe they're a bit put out if they saw the FB status/photo first

Original poster
Ciabattavonbreadsticks · 02/01/2016 17:05

I spoke to them on the phone before I put the post up (sorry, the way I wrote it probably did make it sound the other way around). No, they didn't say congratulations.

Dsis was not there when I phoned as she was at a NYE party but I sent her a message and the only response I got was a 'congrats'. I am very close to my sister, she is my best friend and we are a very expressive family. This was her equivalent of a flat, monotone response. She would have put x's or !'s or some sort of emoji type thing if she was genuinely happy Sad

Thank you tomato. I just feel so sad at the moment, not at all like I wanted to feel.

OP posts:
Thetruthfairy · 02/01/2016 17:15

Do your family like your DP?

Ragwort · 02/01/2016 17:15

Perhaps they just don't like your boyfriend very much Sad - is there any reason that they might be concerned about the relationship? You say you made a bad choice in your last relationship, maybe they are genuinely worried for you?

I also don't think people in general are as 'interested' in engagements as used to be traditional, I haven't really heard of anyone getting engaged for years.

But anyway, congratulations Smile.

Nataleejah · 02/01/2016 17:20

Many people just don't do personal life on facebook.

catfordbetty · 02/01/2016 17:22

Do your family like your DP?

I wondered about this too. You've been together for three years so you must have some sense of this.

Epilepsyhelp · 02/01/2016 17:24

They don't like him is the obvious conclusion - any signs or issues? Could they think you're rushing it?

I would ask them.

TeaFathers · 02/01/2016 17:25

maybe you need to just ask them outright why are they not happy for you?
are they normally jealous, begrudging people?
or are they seeing something that you can't or have chosen not to see?
clearly there's something wrong here so it's better address it rather than ignore it, i think.

Andrewofgg · 02/01/2016 17:26

After 36 years of marriage I think I have proved my long-dead DM wrong when she said that DW-to-be was not the one for me. You're the one that's engaged Flowers so just think what goes with Gomorrah.

Asskicker · 02/01/2016 17:27

Is it a bit like a second baby?

Everything be makes a fuss over the first engagement, much less over the second?

Either that or they don't like him and think you are making a mistake.

Possibly they saw mils post about the engagement before you called them?

Maybe they feel put out?

In regards to your sister, what did you expect? You text her, even though you knew she was at a party. So she text back a short 'congrats'.

Your friends, again if they are having a bad time of it, it maybe be just too much at the moment.

Original poster
Ciabattavonbreadsticks · 02/01/2016 17:28

I don't think they dislike him especially fairy I just think they don't really know him. We all live a bit spread out across the country so I know they can't exactly be overjoyed when they don't know him. Still, they must know that DP is miles apart from exH, who they hated in retrospect, with good reason!

I know they are genuinely worried for me but they really need not be, ExH was a lazy, abusive drug addict who refused to work and spent all my hard earned money on himself, then disappeared without a trace and did not make any effort to see or support his children.

Dp does not drink or smoke and works very hard, he is an absolute rock of emotional support for me and I could not have gotten through the last three years without him Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Ciabattavonbreadsticks · 02/01/2016 17:30

No asskicker, she didn't message me back until the following day.

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VaticanAssassin · 02/01/2016 17:30

OP I know how it feels, nobody seemed to give a shiny shit when DH and I got engaged.
I put it down to the fact I'd been married before, and 'second time around' events never seem to gather quite as much excitement from family though this might just be my lot

When pg with DC1, everyone was massively surprised and excited, with DC2 not quite as much, and with DC3 I got a "What, again?" before a Congratulations! Hmm Angry

Maybe they just think, since you've already been engaged and married before, that it isn't such a big thing?
Did they congratulate you when you and XH were engaged?

mrsfuzzy · 02/01/2016 17:31

i would be unhappy to hear important news like this on fb, so i don't use it and not interested in it really. but their behaviour is off to put it mildly. i think tea makes some good points, how are things normally ?

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2016 17:31

I'm going to be a bit of a downer here. Could there be a reason why your family aren't best pleased? Could they be seeing something you aren't?

Would you be able to pick one relative you trust and ask "You know, it seems the family isn't really very happy about my engagement to XXX. Is there a particular reason why? I'm willing to listening with an open mind so hopefully I can erase any doubts".

But you'll have to be ready to hear what they say and not argue back. You don't have to change anything if you don't agree, but if you do disagree it's best to just let it go for now.

YouMakeMyDreams · 02/01/2016 17:32

My parents were a bit the same when dh and I got engaged. I don't believe it was intended to be hurtful as my mum had similar concerns I guess to yours.
We got married about 18 months later and we bumped into one of ds friends and his parents at a Christmas event last month and I introduced dh and my mum was 'her husband...her new husband' I honestly thought I'd have to restrain her. Grin she was practically jumping up and down.
What I'm saying is that looking back I know my mum didn't intend to hurt me in her initial reaction she just didn't engage her brain when I told her.
Once wedding planning started she got right on board and enjoyed every minute of it. She is genuinely happy that I'm happy but I have made mistakes in the past and have had one pretty horrible relationship that resulted in two of my children.
If you feel your family genuinely like your Dp then they possibly reacted first out of concern and may be kicking themselves now. But I hope once the planning starts they all react more like mine did.

YouMakeMyDreams · 02/01/2016 17:34

And like your family mine didn't know dh that well when we got engaged because of geography but they know him much better now I made the effort to get them together more and my mum loves him now.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 02/01/2016 17:38

I wonder if they can see something too. You obviously didnt see anything wrong with your ex at first.

There's also the fact that not that long after your children are free of an emotional and physically abusive household there's now a new man and marriage on the cards.

The fact all of them don't seem pleased would suggest they all have concerns.

Asskicker · 02/01/2016 17:38

No asskicker, she didn't message me back until the following day.

Ok, so New Year's Day.

But if it was a big deal why didn't you wait until you could actually speak to her.
Maybe she thinks, that since you text her, you didn't feel it was a big deal and thought a text was appropriate.

You text her and are upset that her response was a text?

By your own admission your parents are worried you are making a mistake again. So give them time. Can you go visit so they can get to know him better?

Original poster
Ciabattavonbreadsticks · 02/01/2016 17:41

Things are normally great with me and my family, we use fb quite a lot due to living in different areas of the country but generally we are very close.

They sort of grudgingly congratulated me last time but I can see now that there were a lot of red flags with exh that I was just too stupid to see. I was very young and inexperienced with relationships at the time. Now I have the benefit of 10 years experience I'm not going to make the same mistakes again Smile

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HanYOLO · 02/01/2016 17:42

Congratulations.

I think they are just worried about you. And you probably need to be in the same room as them and have a chat and let you voice that. Don't take it as a judgement call on your relationship.

FWIW I got a similar reaction/ie "oh" from my mum when I was pregnant with my second (and third actually). She only had me, so I was doing something different to her. She found that odd. Then with the third she was genuinely (but unneccessarily) worried about me my age, my health...a whole litany of stuff. But she is the most positive adoring grandmother.

Give them time, and time to talk to you about it.

And NEVER take the huff over what happens (or doesn't) on facebook - it's just not made for proper relationships and communication.

BlueJug · 02/01/2016 17:44

TBH what does being engaged mean to anyone except you? I have always thought engagements a bit pointless - either you are getting married - in which case something to celebrate when you do - or you are not doing it yet - in which case why the fuss. However if it is important to you fair enough and if you are happy - fine - but YABU to expect others to neccesarily see it that way. (If they do - great..)