To say something - MIL advice

[MilAdvice16]

I've name changed so this doesn't link to my other threads.

I have 2 DDs, 1 is 4yo and the other is 2 months, I'm currently on mat leave. When I was at work MIL watched our oldest every Monday.

MIL is on her own with no other family nearby so I invited her to spend a few occasions with my family over the Christmas period that they were hosting. DH was working all of these bar one.

At 2 of these MIL continously discussed how much junk food she fed my DD when she watched her and how she took her to McDonald's for chicken nuggets even though she knew she "was naughty" for doing so as I didn't like it. Also how she fed her sweets and sugar loaded crap constantly.

Now I am aware she does that especially now DD is old enough to tell me! MIL is well aware how i feel about too much sugar in DD's diet and I've been annoyed for years that she does this behind my back. DD does get treats and sugary things with us but not to the extent that MIL feeds her as well as the ridiculous volume of food throughout the day.

I've let it slide so far keep the peace whilst making it known DD should not be getting fed crap constantly.

It's now got to the stage that I'm really annoyed about it more so because of the things she was saying in front of my family undermining my parenting and going on about how she feeds her sweets and McDonald's. As well as continuously loading up DD's plate with more food after I'd specifically said no more on several occasions. I bit my tongue in front of everyone so as not to embarrass her or myself.

I don't know how to go about saying something without coming across like a bitch. DH agrees with me to my face but he's never said anything to her and I know that if he did he would say it in an eye roll way and say you know what DW is like because he wouldn't want to offend his mum. I feel quite hurt that he watched it going on and never said anything.

AIBU to say something?

As an aside I'm looking into alternative childcare for the girls for when I go back to work specifically for this reason. I feel guilty because she has nothing else in her life and my DD and her adore each other.

It's a moot point just now since I'm on mat leave anyway. So I guess currently it's more of an issue between DH and me and the fact he's let the undermining of me go for this long. And that he was witness to one of the occasions over Christmas in front of everyone and said nothing

Get details off the internet to do with the effects of a high sugar and fat diet, obesity and dental problems in under fives to help put your case over to DH. These are genuine concerns.

Try and discuss the childcare issue as being more beneficial for the DD's from the point of view that they will have access to more playmates, wider range of toys and play equipment, etc.

Remember that if MIL feels criticised, you feel undermined and disrespected. When it comes down to it, you don't feel able to trust her with the DC over food and keeping secrets about it.

I say again, it isn't for you to provide MIL with entertainment by way of your DC, when she clearly can't respect your wishes and co-operate with you. Maybe not having the DC one day a week will encourage MIL to pursue other activities.

This 'naughty' business seems to be a consistent phrase she's coming out with to everyone in sight.

Which suggests she's getting a buzz from doing something she knows you don't want her to do, she's liking the attention and the feeling from doing it and she's making a game/cute social acceptability out of overriding your wishes and doing things not in dd's interests. She also seems to be ensuring that it gets around that she's doing this, so she wants people to know, including you.

The only way to really manage that is a straight forward 'if you won't keep our rules then sadly you can't have dd unsupervised. We'd rather she was with you but we can trust a nursery not to feed her crap all day or overfeed her.' Make it her choice. This 'I'm a naughty girl' business is not cute, and teasing anybody with 'look what I did that you didn't want me to! I got one over on you again ' is not ok behaviour and doesn't happen without the person doing it being aware of doing it. This is intentional and she needs calling on it.

How did the chat go OP?